Hello and welcome to my landmark 17th column. The reason this is so special to a motherfucker like me is that this is the first time I have written a column since seeing the Golden Globe Awards program. I have never watched this show before but as an important film Writer I felt it was my duty, my privelege and oh hell it was my honor to watch this awards broadcast presentation.

You see now that I am a part of the Cinema Writing community I am starting to anticipate the OScars awards ceremony. I know it will not quite be the Outlaw Awards but then what the hell is? You gotta keep an eye even on the mainstream fucks and what they are up to as far as giving awards. Since I have been out of the picture for a while and I wasn’t really as much of a Cinema appreciater before going down I really can’t remember the last time I saw them. I vaguely remember Marlon Brando’s indian gal but that’s about it. Anyway according to some information I have researched it turns out that the Golden Globes are one of the major precursors, inspirations and omens for the oscars. They are given out be the foreigner press who I don’t think are actually critics, alot of them may just write gossip if I understand correctly. But anyway, they are what alot of dudes apparently use to predict the oscars.

And by the way who are we fooling of course american beauty is gonna win and hell I loved the movie but it’s gonna feel kind of anticlimactic in my opinion because people have been overpraising this piece for months and it’s starting to get full of itself. And just a by the way within the by the way, I would like to thank David Poland from Roger Ebert’s Movies show for saying how the academy doesn’t have the BALLS to nominate 1999 Outlaw Award Winner for best picture since I got out of prison Fight motherfuckin Club.

But anyway watching the golden globes was a practice run for me. What I did I watched this pre-show deal where all the film workers were arriving, however I do not know a whole lot about the dresses but there was a lot of talk about it, etc. The funniest part was when Ruben the Hurricane came up the red carpet and a reporter, I swear I am not making this up, asked if when he was in prison he ever thought he would be at the golden globe awards. Yeah lady, I thought about it every day in the yard. The other cons thought I was crazy for saying it. “Maybe the Oscars, Hurricane. MAYBE. But the Golden Globes? No fucking WAY you’ll be presenting at the Golden Globes.” (more…)

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Okay I’m gonna be up front about this. I know very well what you motherfuckers expect out of me this week. I’m not stupid. You think just ’cause I’m an ex-con I’m gonna spend this whole column gushing all over that new three hour prison movie that motherfucker Tom Hanks has.

Well guess what Jack, there is more to my life than prison. To be honest I don’t even want to revisit that territory anymore because who the fuck cares. I don’t even want to think about prison anymore. I gotta leave all that traumatic shit behind.

Well okay no that’s not true at all. Actually I just haven’t seen the movie yet. It’s hard to get three hours free to watch yet another Tom Hanks prison guard movie when you are a Writer like myself who is busy sculpting words or experiencing life which to be frankly honest is the most important element of a man’s Writing.

I promise I will Write a review of the green mile at a later date however right now I am preoccupied with a new discovery of mine which, I gotta be honest, is much more important. So in the tradition of my life lets set the prison aside and look forward to the future.

You see, this weekend I rented a few movies on the recommendation of some rec.arts.movies.current-films guys and in these movies I discovered an unknown actor who I believe will blow that jackass Tom Hanks out of the fucking water. This is a man who has barely hit the scene however in the glimpses of him that I have seen I have detected a raw, powerful talent which I believe you also will appreciate some day.

When I tell you this man’s name you will say “Who?” You will have no idea who the fuck this is. You might even think I am making him up or that he is a friend of mine whose career I am hoping to give a kick in the ass. Well hell all you gotta do is trust me on this one. If all is just in the world (and I know it’s not, but what the hell) then this man will soon have a loyal cult following. People will obsess over him on the newsgroups. They will worship him. They will rent any movie that he appears in. When they talk about whose going to play Batman or Superman or Spiderman or whatever cartoon strip movie they’re making now, they will say this dudes name first. They will always try to say he should be a leading man in the big movies. This dude will be called a god, like that chow young fat. He will be an icon. (more…)

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