Outlaw Awards 1999

Hey buds welcome to the first ever VERN’S motherfuckin OUTLAW AWARDS 1999 brought to you exclusively by VERN.

The OUTLAWS were given away January 8, 2000 in a special party at Vern’s house. Although there was alcoholic beverages involved I swear to fucking christ that I (vern) was 100% sober the ENTIRE time.


Well, uh, hey guys, you all know me. Vern. Well ladies and gentlemen, this is the Outlaw Awards that we are, uh, having here today for 2000. This is the 1999 awards right here, we are having.

These particular awards follow a different type schedule than most of the better known critics circles and what not. But you know I only got out of the can in August I feel that it wouldn’t be fair to pretend these awards represent all of 1999 in my opinion.

Er, fuck, what was I gonna say. Uh– oh yeah so maybe I oughta call it VERN’S motherfuckin OUTLAW AWARDS Since I Got Out Of Prison. Instead of 1999. But I am going for the mainstream type appeal with this one so, you know I want to use the more streamlined name you know. Er, shit, whatsit– Oh yeah so before I forget, I’d like to thank, whatsisdick (Walter Leno of Walter Leno Pop Designs), for helping out with the site again, uh, today. The, with the artwork.

Hold on. (unfolds notes) Er, fuck. Okay, I hope… what is that. I hope… the filmmakers… filmmakers and Cinema Artists who made these films will be honored to receive these first ever OUTLAWS but I guess I can’t complain if they refuse to accept or acknowledge them. I mean [unintelligible]. The OUTLAWS are a more… hardcore type of award, that may be too controversial for a major Hollywood studio that is all worried about PR and what not. In my opinion.

Yeah it’s in the refrigerator bud. Yeah, yeah, don’t worry, take it. No prob. Yeah, no go ahead.

Let’s see. Okay, uh… hrm. So congratulations to all the winners of the OUTLAWS awards and I would like to thank each and every one of you motherfuckers for respecting the artform of Cinema as well as helping to promote the Badass movement which means so much to many of us, both, uh, in my house and uh, and in the world of, uh… hrm.

Well I guess now, without… with no more, uh, ado, I would like to present to you motherfuckers the first ever VERN’S motherfuckin OUTLAW AWARDS!!!

Outstanding achievement in running, foreign language

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, that German gal can run. And before you start giving me shit about being old and out of shape let me tell you 1) I am in pretty good shape for my age as far as benching, fighting, etc. and 2) I know a thing or two about running in my opinion.

As a teenager I was involved in an intramural track team, where I ran the 100 yard, 500 yard, 1 mile etc. Quite often between the ages of 12-25 I found occasion to leap naked from a window running for dear life, angry father’s shotgun blasting at my ass. This continued into my twenties as did many spirited runs through rough terrain, ducking helicopter spotlights, jumping over dogs, etc. In more recent years, as I have mentioned I also had my share of failed escape attempts, and even now as a free man I will at times run down the block chasing some punk kid that, for example, smashed my pumpkins on Halloween.

So believe me, I know of what the fuck I speak when I say this little gal can run. At the beginning of the movie, she runs. Middle of the movie, runs. End of the movie – I mean, this gal just keeps running. Yeah she gets sweaty, yeah she turns into a cartoon for some parts, but still, this gal can run. Good job Lola.

Congratulations to Lola, Franke Potente, Tom Tykwer, and the germans.

Full Run Lola Run review

Outstanding achievement in fighting dirty

Tyler Durden, puking blood into face, FIGHT CLUB
Now let me tell you I have seen a lot of dirty maneuvers in my day. I’ve seen all the old cliches – dirt in the eye, kick in the teeth, you name it. I’ve seen the bit off finger, the sharpened spoon to the ear, the melted toothbrush to the cheek, the pitbull attack to the balls. I’ve seen the compound fracture stab, the hit a guy with a shovel and then bury him alive, the shove cocaine up a guy’s ass at the airport and then call in the sniffer dogs. But one thing I have never seen is the puke blood in a guy’s face.

Now in retrospect it may seem obvious. The blood is so universal, so primal. It is equally appealing/appalling to men, the hunter-gatherers, and to women, who have the power of menstruation. Blood has always had power for filmmakers, in fact for storytellers in general, from the myths of vampires and tyrants bathing in blood all the way to the scene in EVIL DEAD PART 2 where Ash chainsaws his possessed lady friend into a big damn mess.

But when, in film or in life, has a motherfucker thought to use his own blood as a weapon? As The Fight Club was unspooling for the first time on opening day October 15, you could almost hear it spreading across the country, that declaration of I can’t believe I never thought of that before and then, after a moment, Man I wish I thought of that.

My hat is off to Tyler Durden for this groundbreaking technique. That is a metaphor because I do not generally wear hats. However I hope this award will help to remind people, years from now when the blood puking is a more common move, that this little picture is the one that started it all.

Congratulations to Tyler, Chuck Palahniuk, Jim Uhls, Brad Pitt and David Fincher.

Honorable mention: executing a man for not having a lighter on him, PAYBACK

Full Fight Club review

Inspirational Catch By An Old Dude

Sean Connery with Catherine Zeta-Jones, ENTRAPMENT
Well this is always going to be a highly competitive category especially as long as guys like Danny DeVito are still working. But it looks like a huge upset this year and I think this one is going to be VERY fucking controversial in my opinion. Most of the major critics circles probaly went with AMERICAN BEAUTY on this one. People are going to be saying look man, the girl is a cheerleader, I believe he gets a chance to lick her nipples, this is a middle aged man with a teenage girl we’re talking here, plus it’s a good movie.

Well I agree and I also happen to think ENTRAPMENT is a huge load of crap as far as a movie HOWEVER, I stand by my choice on this award. This young gal Catherine Zeta Jones is VERY sexy in my opinion, I mean you’ve seen the ass shot. And by the same token Mr. Connery is VERY old. Connery was exactly 39 years and one month old on the day of Catherine’s birth. As Catherine had her first taste of mother’s milk, Connery was reflecting on how fast time flies. Christ man it’s hard to believe it’s been two whole years since the release of YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE.

On the downside I don’t think Sean’s character actually gets laid in this movie, but Catherine does try for a seduction which is why the movie is eligible. The sexual tension is palatable so yes we are definitely talking some HAROLD AND MAUDE type material here in my opinion.

While Kevin Spacey does receive an honorable mention in this category, I want to make it VERY fucking clear that an older guy like myself can better relate to a guy like Connery. I should also point out that Michael Douglas got engaged to Ms. Jones on New Year’s Eve, proof positive of the influence and encouragement this film provides for older gentlemen.

Congratulations to Sean Connery, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael & Kirk Douglas.

Special Technical Award

Digital Versatile Disc (DVD)
Well although personally I am more of an organic type of guy, more for the nature and everything I also do think it is important to acknowledge the scientific guys and inventors and what not who make all the technology for us. I mean without these brainiacs I wouldn’t have a web sight for one.

This year the award goes to the Digital Versatile Disc (DVD) technology, a new format which compresses information so that moving images can be put on discs like music is on a CD.

Technology, like Cinema, is a collaborative type artform in my opinion so this award can be shared by many scientists and companies. Sony, Philips and others developed the MMCD DVD format, while Toshiba, Matsushita, Time Warner and others offered the SD. IBM and other computer companies basically grabbed the electronics guys by the balls and forced them to settle on a single standard.

DVD is a dream come true. The picture is MUCH better than video, the sound is better, and there is still room on the disc for extra features like commentary tracks. The most promising is the angles feature which allows you to look at the pornography from different angles. Let’s say you want to see the ass better, just hit the angles button and it changes to the other camera, where you see the ass (or whatever your into, it could be anything.)

Already DVD technology is beginning to be used for more than just pornography, which will be a VERY good thing for the Art of Cinema in my opinion. I have ARMY OF DARKNESS on DVD and it’s pretty fucking great.

Best performance by a supporting badass

Well this is unusual and to be honest I don’t think most years this award would go to an alien or ghost. Maybe this has been a slow year for supporting badasses BUT that should not take away from this motherfucker’s work which is fucking phenomenal in my opinion.

Not many dudes can pull off two classic roles so completely different in one year. In SLEEPY HOLLOW, he plays the Headless Horseman whenever he is not on a horse, but doesn’t have a head. Christopher Walken plays him when he has a head, both on and off horse, and some other guy plays him if he’s on a horse, but doesn’t have a head. Ray Park is mostly doing the sword, although I believe not when he is on the horse, which is a different guy, but I believe the same guy from when he’s on the horse but with no sword (if there is no head).

In the Star trek movie though he DOES have a head, and a good one in my opinion. He has a whole bunch of horns like the god damned devil and his eyes are yellow and evil. There are sharp teeth and black and red skin. This is a very Badass looking fellow and a lot of the power is in the intense look in his eyes, which is why it is such an achievement to also be able to do a role with no head (or eyes).

This dude is very good with swords, kicks, ax, etc.

Honorable mention: Gregg Henry, PAYBACK

Full Sleepy Hollow review

Best performance by a Badass in a non-Badass role

Well I gotta be honest here man, I would have liked to see Bruce put out a DIE HARD PART 4 this year to celebrate my release from prison, however Bruce is his own man and he’s got a plan and this is what the plan dictates I guess.

Now Bruce is original a comedy actor as you know but Moonlighting also entails a whole lot of drama in my opinion. And that is why I think Bruce knows how to pull this off. So he can come in here and play this guy who’s a child psychiatrist and kind of a pussy and everything and we can totally buy it.

In the beginning, when a naked guy attacks Bruce with a gun, Bruce just stands there and tries to reason with him. In any other movie Bruce would get a little scared but then he’d figure out some kind of trick and he’d kill the guy and call him a motherfucker. Not this Bruce, though, and it’s still believable. It’s that great.

Congratulations to Bruce and M. Night Shyamalan the Writer and director of this filmwork

Full The Sixth Sense review

Best performance by a non-Badass in a Badass role

Keanu Reeves, THE MATRIX
Well I remember this kid from the BILL AND TED movies and if my hunch is correct he is somewhat of a wuss in real life. A lot of these dudes who smoke a lot of pot, the brain works real slow and the lungs are real black. If you can’t breathe that well you can’t really have the endurance required to go the distance bareknuckle in my opinion. That is why the puffing on a blunt guys only use guns, it is less personal and much quicker, but that does not necessarily make you a Badass in my opinion.

But in this movie this Keanu does a lot more than just guns (although there are some good shootouts). I guess to make this movie what they did they sent the cast out to some kind of shaolin temple or something where they had to become monks for a couple years and learn all of the different types of karate. So these guys are doing almost all of their stunts, Keanu is swinging around on ropes and kicking and everything.

They also gave him some type of attitude training I believe, teaching him how to hold himself, type of sunglasses to wear, trenchcoat, etc.

It is fitting that this dude had to be trained to be a Badass in the behind the scenes, because think about it bud that’s what the movie is ABOUT. Here is this pale skinned computer nerd plucked out of his bedroom, taught kung fu, trained to manipulate reality and become some kind of chosen one Badass. In the next movie, he will be a Badass from frame one, something which could NEVER have been accomplished without this story.

Best Badass, male

Mel Gibson, PAYBACK
Here’s one I didn’t see coming. Obviously this is a HUGE comeback for Mel Gibson who we haven’t heard much from since the MAD MAX films. Well yes he is still working and this is him at his best. He is not trying any of that charming crazy guy bullshit anymore, this is just a bad motherfucker with very few morals and only a slight sense of honor, like Mad Max. I mean this dude just wants 1) payback and 2) money back.

And yes I am Positive at this point in my life and do not condone this type of Negativity that the character Porter is involved in however you must admire this kind of work ethic and dedication to artistry in my opinion.

Porter is almost inhuman in his quest. He just wants back a small amount of money and he will bust your ass if you try any hindering. Near the end I think he’s trying to prove he’s a hero by not giving in to torture. The bastards are pounding his “little piggies” with a hammer and he refuses to sell out his lady. Fortunately this heroic action coincides with the goals of the Badass. A true Badass, of course, doesn’t give in to torture either, even if he doesn’t mind giving up the information. I mean what are a few toes, man, fuck, who cares when you’re a badass like Porter.

When he tears out of the trunk, through the backseat of the car, it is like the car is giving birth to him. And what could be more American Badass than being the son of a car. Even if Mel is some kind of Australian I think he’s earned his green card with this fine performance.

Full Payback (and Payback Straight up) review

Best Badass, female

Carrie-Ann Moss, THE MATRIX
I think there are a lot of guys out there who are offended by the idea of a strong woman, a feminist icon or whatever who busts ass just as good as a man does. I’m talking about ripley from the aliens, etc. HOWEVER, I think there are a lot more guys out there who aren’t exactly women’s libbers either, but they get a bigass boner from this type of character.

Well I think the best Badass, female award will satisfy both types of motherfuckers as well as those of us who either a) are women or b) respect Women. You see as a Positive individual and even in the past I have always believe in treating a lady with respect. and even if I didn’t I am pretty sure this gal would give me a run for the money I mean this gal is TOUGH.

Like her co star reeves Carrie Anne lived life as a monk for several years before filming and clearly she received the same attitude, sunglasses training as well as a black leather outfit. Carrie Anne opens the film with one of the best scenes, where she does some kind of freaky ass swan kick and freezes mid air and the camera flies around her you know what I mean.

Honorable mention: Milla Jovovich in THE MESSENGER. Say what you will about this crazy jungle chick, I like a badass who has to give confession every time she chops a dude’s head off. I probaly would have given her this award if I could find a picture of her all covered in blood but no, these fucks are trying to market it as a religious film.

Best picture – karate

Unfortunately in the american market there is not much competition for the karate type picture. Bruce Lee has been dead for quite a while now. Jackie Chan has not had a theatrical release at least since before I got out of prison. Van damme also is doing only straight to video. THE MATRIX I did manage to catch on video and although that is a good american version of the karate type picture the karate of the picture is only a small percentage of the material in the picture in my opinion.

Black Mask is not the best karate type picture of all time HOWEVER it is a good little picture with super warriors, karate, and lasers.

Jet Lee is a very famous guy in Hong Kong although this is his first movie ever released in the US because hollywood doesn’t want him putting keanu, schwarzengger, etc. out of business (although he is no threat to Bruce, in my opinion). This is a comic book type of movie with Jet Lee dressed up like Kato (Bruce Lee) calling himself the black mask, he is fighting against an army of these psychotic fucks who are part of the same genetically engineered army warrior type dudes, or whatever. Although it is dubbed into english the actors such as Jet and Francoise Yip, and others are very charismatic. There is some rapping music involved which fits surprisingly well. There is a good fight in a graveyard, on a high ledge, and in water where jet jumps and puts one foot on each wall so he can stand above the water so he is not electrocuted.

Not sure what this one is about but there are lasers, etc.

Best picture – comedy, musical, or Badass

This will be a big surprise to my regular readers cause although one or two of my buds did recommend this piece to ol’ Vern I never saw it until recently in the second run type theater and have not yet reviewed it on the sight. Well lets just say this motherfucker gives fight club a run for the money.

In this film Terence Stamp plays Wilson, an old ex-con who flies over to california to get to the bottom of who killed his daughter. One catch though this guy is british (that’s why he’s called the limey) so he is not exactly one of my guys or anything but this guy is cool.

The cinematographic techniquery that these gentlemen are using is really something special in my opinion. The editing skips around through time so you don’t know WHAT the fuck is going on at first but as it goes along it slowly falls into the place. I mean to be honest I don’t know WHAT the fuck happened at the end but the thing was so good I didn’t really care. It is very suspenseful, kind of somber, but also very funny.

There are some scenes in this movie that are too good to be believed. I think this guy is older than me even but he exudes pure Badass. He doesn’t have big muscles or scary tattoos or scars. If it is physical it is in his eyes, in his walk, it is not the usual bullshit. I mean whatever it is, that pure essence that makes people piss their pants in your presence, this motherfucker has it. I think in ten or thirty years when this guy is dead and buried he’s still gonna have that posture and everything that just makes people not want to make eye contact. When you see what this motherfucker does at the warehouse, and at the pool party, you will just lose it man.

I don’t think there is a better role model on film, in my opinion, than this limey. It is pretty fucking ridiculous that the limey did not receive more Outlaws, in my opinion. I mean jesus christ what does a guy have to do to get an award these days. I would not be surprised if there is some SERIOUS looking into the rules, regulations and the categories and everything next year to make sure a movie like this does not EVER slip through the cracks again.

Best picture since I got out of prison

FIGHT CLUB diected by David Fincher
Well here it is, the big award, the premiere honorary type prestigiousness ever awarded on this particular sight. I guess this one was pretty much a shoe in. You probaly expected it especially if you read my message on rec.arts.movies.current-films where I said that I was going to create a new type of award just in response to all the critics circles not giving an award to FIGHT CLUB.

Well okay so it was obvious but then it fucking deserves it in my opinion. This is just what the title says the best movie I have seen since I got out.

I have heard some people in rec.arts.movies.current-films talkin bout “Oh this is just a bunch of gen-x whiners, all their doing is whining, don’t they know the generations before FOUGHT and DIED so these motherfuckers could HAVE this money and consumer products that they are fucking CRYING about like a bunch fucking WHINING little CRYBABY PRICKS.” (paraphrase)

Well first of all, what I think is the main flaw of that argument as far as I can see is basically just that it is a big load of horseshit. Look, you and I both know people who have fought in all of the more popular wars, and I guaran fucking tee you if one of these motherfuckers had written down every single reason why they were fighting, your little argument there would be considered a VERY liberal interpretation of the text. I never ONCE heard anyone say, “I want my grandchildren to live a hollow, empty existence as materialists with soul-sucking, immoral jobs and if I have to fucking DIE for it then stick the bayonet in my squooshy little belly right here and now motherfucker!”

The very fact that motherfuckers are MAKING that “gen-x whiners” argument PROVES the reality of what the movie is saying: that people in this culture expect money and material items to make them happy, that they want a nice condo and high paying job and they can’t understand how anyone could have those things and still feel empty. And when people have those things but feel empty, they think maybe soemthings wrong with me, and they just suppress their need for something else, but they still aren’t happy.

This is not a generational problem, it is a human problem. Hell I don’t know monkeys might even have this problem but I doubt it. Anyway it can apply to a hell of a lot more than the characters in the film, their age group and social class. I mean I didn’t know WHAT the fuck Ikea was I still knew exactly where these dudes were coming from.

In fact as I tried to imply in my review it applies very easily to the world of the hollywood studio system which in my opinion stands in direct opposition to the Art of Cinema. These are motherfuckers who it would only occur to make a movie that makes money, some kind of Inspector Gadget or Wild Wild West or Armageddon or what not. They can’t even comprehend what it means to make a movie you actually care about, a movie that has your heart and soul and fucking blood sweat and tears in it. Because they want a nice condo and high paying job and a box office record and they can’t understand how there could be anything else that would make them more happy. Like having a soul! Like making a fucking reasonably emotional or thoughtful movie you piece of shit I’m gonna kill you come here you little prick I’m gonna break your fucking neck.

I’m sorry this hypothetical motherfucker is pissing me off. Sorry I will calm down.

Well these characters are people who realize they are not getting this happiness from their jobs and their furniture. There is something they are missing and they go looking for it in the most pathetic ways possible. They are so lost that they become addicted to support groups for diseases they don’t have or beating each other up as therapy. But I think it is through rebelling creatively against society’s illnesses, making liposuction fat into soap and selling it to department stores, that they find some of the fulfillment they are looking for.

Because I think what this movie is about also is the balance between narrator and tyler durden. I don’t think Tyler is the hero NOR do I think narrator is entirely worthless. I think the movie is about finding a middle ground between the timid conformist and the soup-peeing anarchist. I mean you don’t have to go peeing in soup and you really shouldn’t be threatening castration and blowing up buildings and what not even if you don’t actually hurt anyone. But wherever you choose to draw the line it is important to be in touch with your inner Tyler Durden, to question your beliefs and your place in society, to reach for what you want and what you believe in even (in fact, ESPECIALLY) if it is not something material and societally approved, but something more abstract. In fact that it was being a Positive Outlaw is all about in my opinion, fucking shit up without holding a gun on anybody.

FIGHT CLUB to me is an american classic, it will go down in history as a classic from america. It is all style and also all substance. It graphically illustrates the depravity and sickness of our coporate culture and somehow makes it funny as all hell. I think FIGHT CLUB will be a textbook. It will not be a textbook for blowing up buildings you idiot, it will be a textbook to life for those who know what a metaphor is, jackass. Jesus man give me a break.

Full Fight Club review. Alot of fellow Cinema appreciaters like myself have Written and said they really liked that review. Although to be frankly honest I think it was more they liked the story about Sweet Jimmy Sinclair than anything I said about the movie.

Also posted at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/4972