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Welcome
to the redesign!
I'm
so excited to announce that after nearly ten years of struggling
in obscurity and independence on geocities I have finally gone pro.
As of today I have sold my websight and obtained sponsorship so
that I can pursue a much more professional style of movie coverage
like you all crave.
Don't
worry, I am still allowed to write words like m-----------, a------,
g-- d----, etc., I'm just not allowed to spell them out or use them
more than 12 times per pay period. And so far I have not once been
asked to tone down my attacks on directors or movies connected to
our advertisers, such as Michael Bay. I have done that completely
on my own volition because I don't want to get anybody in trouble.
Also I am against "torture porn" like everybody else now
because that would look bad if I said I was for it.
It is
every person's dream to get paid for doing what they love, and it
is my dear hope that doing this blog will still count as doing what
I love. At first I was worried that the blog format might be bad
news, I might end up posting all kinds of half-assed stupidity just
because you need to keep posting in order to keep people interested
so that they will keep coming back so that they will keep clicking
on ads so that sponsors will keep buying ads so that I can pay my
bills so that my electricity will not be turned off so that I will
not have to wear longjohns. Actually I am still kind of worried
about that, my fear has not subsided, but hopefully it will turn
out okay. What do you folks think?
(visit
an archive of the old sight site here)
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EXCLUSIVE
FIRST LOOK: Shrek 4 window decal
Posted April 1st 2008 4:55PM by Vern
File Under: Animation, Farting
Goblins Or Whatever, Window
Decals
Vern's
Hollywood Movie Biz Blog is very proud to have received
this exclusive sneak peak of one of the most highly
anticipated of the two upcoming Shrek sequels. We have
learned that the title is Shrek Goes Forth and it's going
to be presented in the 3-D format from PDI Dreamworks Animation
SKG Inc.
This
is a window decal that will be on the windows at some theaters,
to advertise Shrek 4. I think this is a very clever design we were
very lucky to get this here first. You see it is a number 4 only
it has antennas on it, like Shrek does. This is not even available
in theaters until tomorrow and will not be on the web anywhere else
for an EXCLUSIVE 72 hour window. We would like
to give our most sincere thanks to PDI Dreamworks Animation SKG
for giving us this opportunity and especially to Dana, Pam and Kelly
from their promotions office for making this all possible as well
as my tech team and I would also like to give BIG props to Jacob
who sent alot of emails and Julie who spent many long hours on the
phone trying to iron out all the details to bring you guys this
special treat. Remember, you saw it here first.
Thanks
guys for checking out this exclusive first look and hopefully with
our new relationship with the publicists we will be giving you alot
more amazing inside looks like this one. We'll keep our eyes out
for any window decals for Shrek 5 although from what I
understand from their publicists they are planning to first release
Shrek 4 and only then will they start to unveil the plans
for how to promote Shrek 5. That's Hollywood for ya! But
you can bet we'll be there whenever it happens and you will get
the scoop as soon as we do!
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Today's
Poll: Originals or Sequels?
Posted
April 1st 2008 3:52PM by Vern
File Under:Sequels, Real
Interesting Questions to Ponder, Polls
Everybody
likes a good, strong movie with characters you've never seen before.
But an argument could be made that you also like to see those characters
that you love return for more adventures! That's why The Godfather
is good but what about The Godfather Part II? Are you with
me?
What do you think? Do originals really rock your world? Or are sequels
the "part 2" watch for? Which one do you prefer, originals
or sequels? Don't be shy, make your opinion known!
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Exclusive
Paraphrase: Transformers 2
Posted
April 1st 2008 2:58PM by Vern
File Under:General Motors, Xbox
360 , Mountain Dew
Our
colleagues over at PopcornExplosion.net
got their hands on a real juicy scoop - a look at the script and
a possible teaser poster for Michael Bay's highly anticipated sequel
to the smash hit Transformers! You can click on the link
to read the original story or stay tuned here to see the same information
communicated using different words!
According
to the report:
"The
current draft of the script really ups the ante from the first
film. Although we will continue to explore the burgeoning romance
and manhood of young Sam Witwicky as well as all the other beloved
characters such as John Turturro, the dog, the black guy that
ate the donuts, the team of computer experts, the secretary of
defense, the secretary of defense's assistant, and several new
ones, Transformers 2 sets the stage for some incredible
special effects which will blow your mind! There has never before
been so many special effects!
"The
third act builds to an apocalyptic battle or 'judgment day' when
armies of good and evil Transformers robots wage war on each other
for earth supermacy and the future of robots and mankind. The
title on the script is 'Judgment Day' which fits with what we
have been hearing, that this is not a working title but in fact
the official subtitle of the movie."
If that's
not enough to whet your appetite they also got their hands on a
potential design for the T2 teaser poster! Keep in mind
this design is not final, so the colors and fonts may be imperceptibly
tweaked before Bay, Spielberg, Dreamworks, Hasbro and Mountain Dew
are all willing to sign off on it.
Man,
I hope they stick with this design! Looks like an early contender
for poster of the year. It really captures the dynamic action of
the franchise. For those of you who are not total "fanboys"
like us the characters pictured are (left to right) Megatron, Frenzy
(in front), Optimus Prime, Barricade, Megatron in a different pose.
UPDATE:
I have been told I had the poster upside down. I'm not so sure but
just in case here it is the other way.
I
prefer the other way but even if this is the correct orientation
it is a thrilling poster design. I cannot wait for this trademarked
property to return in 2009! |
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Vern's
Six To Grow On: Top 6 Movies I Don't Have Anything Insightful to
Say About
Posted
April 1st 2008 12:32PM by Vern
File Under: Lists of Various Shit,
Gandhi, Jane
Fonda hot
Gandhi
I've actually never seen thihrough I don't think. I like Gandhi
though, the guy, not the movie. I should see this one. The director,
Richard Attenborough, also was in Jurassic Park, and I liked that
one.
Jurassic
Park
This was a pretty cool movie in its day, the effects were really
amazing. Children love dinosaurs. the lawyer gets bit on the toilet
LOL.
Drive
starring Mark Dacascos
This was a straight to video movie alot of people said was good,
and I thought it was okay but I didn't really get that into it.
This one guy used to always email me talking up the director and
begging me to review it, so I watched it again, but I didn't really
know what to say about it so I never wrote about it. The guy that
played Dwayne Wayne on A
Different World is in it too. I think he even has those
flipup glasses. Maybe not. I don't really remember.
TIE:
Get Carter
Michael Caine was so badass in this one. british I believe.
and
Romeo
and Juliet
by Franco Zefirelli
This was a popular movie version of the famous play by William Shakespeare,
a famous playwright.
Chariots
of Fire.
On Golden
Pond
I always thought Jane Fonda was a hottie, but not in this one. This
one is not really about that so much. I haven't seen it since the
'80s though. Maybe it is awesome, who knows. One of my top three
of all time.
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[-1] |
PULP
FICTION REVIEW
 Thanks
for checking out our Pulp Fiction review.
THE GENERAL IDEA
Pulp
Fiction revolves around John Travolta who plays a hitman who will stop
at nothing to obtain a briefcase for his boss Marcellus Wallace (Ving
Rhames). However he also has to look after Marcellus's wife (Uma Thurman)
who has nice, tempting feet. Samuel L. Jackson plays Jules (Samuel L.
Jackson), Vincent (John Travolta)'s Bible-quoting partner. Meanwhile
Bruce Willis (Bruce Willis) plays a boxer who refuses to throw a match
for Marcellus. But everything changes when some redneck perverts do
Marcellus up the butt in the basement of a pawn shop. If I were Marcellus
I'd call the Better Business Bureau!
THE
GOOD
It's
great to see John Travolta in such a great role for the first time before
he squandered all the good will that he got for this role on the other
roles that he did after this role. There is lots of crisp, quotable
dialogue courtesy of writer/director Quentin Tarantino, who also plays
the part of Jimmy. I'm not saying it is an Oscar winner but it is pretty
good, and also did win an Oscar. The direction is adequate. DON'T READ
THIS PART YET JUST SKIP TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH: after I figured it out
I decided it was real clever so it should go in the "the good"
paragraph and not "the bad" paragraph.
THE
BAD
Tarantino's
direction is confident, perfectly framed and he is clearly superb with
actors, but I would rather see that camera flying around and goin whoosh
and shit like that, that's what directing is, dude. Learn it. Also I
have a beef with the writing, I was a little confused by it because
it's all out of order, you're not sure which part happened first, which
part happened second, which part happened third and worst of all which
happened after that and almost as bad which happened last. However once
it was over I sort of figured out so PLEASE SKIP BACK TO LAST SENTENCE
OF "THE GOOD" SECTION AT THIS TIME THANK YOU.
Alot
of the dialogue is witty and entertaining but it loses some of its power
from being quoted by everybody you ever met for the past nearly decade
and a half, so obviously it was written in a pretty short-sighted manner.
The plot could be tighter, tying up loose ends such as what is
in the briefcase anyway and why does it always show people talking on
the way somewhere or something, usually that's the part of the story
you're supposed to skip over. Should be more action.
OVERALL
Pulp Fiction is a funny, warm and ultimately endearing film
that I just loved. John Travolta shows us he’s evolving as an
actor, the framework of the movie (three different connected stories)
is interesting and functionally works very well. I’m not the biggest
fan of non-linear storytelling at all, but if more of them were like
Pulp Fiction, I’d be a whole lot more excited about seeing new
ones when they came out. Overall I’m going to give Pulp Fiction
an 8.5/10 
| Pulp
Why drink orange juice with pulp in it, or without pulp in it, when
you want it the other way? Orange juice and other juices available
with or without pulp. thejuicemaker.com
|
Fiction
Look for your favorite fiction and non-fiction books online using
our fiction finder
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EXCLUSIVE
GALLERY: New stills from Ultimate Pandas
Posted
April 1st 2008 10:55AM by Vern
File Under:Pandas, Adorable
bear-like creatures, Endangered
animals
My friends - I used to think those other panda DVDs were as good
as it was gonna get. Pandas are an endangered species, they don't
like to screw very often, they are hard to find in the wild, at
least in the U.S. I figured they had gone pretty much as far as
technology would allow as far as DVDs about pandas and panda related
issues.
That
was before I found out about Ultimate Pandas. Now, listen
to me - I want to be very clear about this. Make no mistake about
it. I want you to forget about all other panda DVDs. This
is Ultimate Pandas. By definition, all other panda DVDs
are penultimate or less.
Obviously I'm not gonna tell you people what to do, but I will tell
you honestly what I am going to do. I am going to hang onto my
other panda DVDs for the time being. But as soon as I have Ultimate
Pandas in my possession, at least after I have opened it up
and tested the disc to make sure there are no manufacturing errors,
I'm gonna throw those g-- damn things out the window. If it's not
ultimate then what use is it? Nothing. I wouldn't even donate them
to Goodwill or a hospice or anything because why insult those people
by giving them an out-of-date product? I care too much to do something
like that.
I have
not seen this DVD yet so this is not my review, but let me give
you an example of why my expectations are high for this f----r.
On the websight web
site for Ultimate Pandas they use the pun "unbearable"
and refer to pandas as bears. I was pretty upset because I had known
for many years that pandas were not bears, they were a member of
the raccoon family. This is why they have dark circles around their
eyes. Pandas are not bears, they are raccoons, that's just how I
was raised. I couldn't understand why Ultimate Pandas would
say something so incorrect, how could it still be ultimate?
But
then I did some research and I learned that pandas are now bears.
When I was growing up pandas were considered raccoons but scientists
have now promoted them to bears due to genetic testing that proved
they in fact had bear in them and not just raccoon. Ain't that a
bitch? I guess that explains why they look like bears. Ultimate
Pandas knows that pandas are bears because Ultimate Pandas
is at the very cutting edge of panda research. That is why they
can make a pun like "unbearable" which would have been
impossible on previous, no longer relevant panda DVDs such as Panda
Totally Panda or Meet
the Pandas or in my opinion even Baby
Panda's First Year.
Anyway
without further adue we at Visa/Quiznos Vern's Movie Blog are very
f---ing proud to have been given this EXCLUSIVE still gallery from
Ultimate Pandas. You will not see these stills ANYWHERE
else. If you do it's because some g-- d--- c--------- thief f------
robbed it from us to take credit for something the f----- had nothing
to do with. This is your one and ONLY place on the web for Ultimate
f------ Pandas pics. They will give you a sneak peak
at what is in store for you on Ultimate Pandas to whet
your appetite. WARNING: THESE PHOTOS CONTAIN MAJOR PLOT SPOILERS
FOR ULTIMATE PANDAS
CLICK
HERE TO SEE THE EXCLUSIVE GALLERY!!!
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BREAKING:
Hollywood plans controversial Reservoir Dogs sequel
Posted
April 1st 2008 10:52AM by Vern
File Under:Quentin Tarantino,
Sequels, Hard
News
 Well,
the Internet has spent years talking about The Vega Brothers
but now it looks like Hollywood plans a different approach. Screenwriting
newcomer bitterfig
has penned Reservoir
Dogs 2: Pink and Brown according to movie news site fanfiction.net.
Fans
will be delighted to hear that the new screenplay is jampacked with
references to popular culture such as The Brady Bunch and
Frankenberry. But one aspect may divide fans. (Warning, this
article contains spoilers.) According
to the article, the new screenplay involves some serious sexual
tension between Mr. Brown (Quentin Tarantino) and Mr. Pink (Steve
Buscemi), culminating in a climactic five minute kiss.
No word
on when filming will begin, but it looks like they've
already started up the viral marketing to hold us over for now.
Personally I'm not sure what to think. Like the Ferris
Bueller 2 that is currently in the works by a guy in Arizona
this is a sequel that could go either way. Here's hoping it is a
high quality sequel worthy of the Dogs franchise and not
just a cheap cash-in.
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[2]
4-1-2008
@ 7:06PM
DarthShaunoftheDead said...
you stupid cocksucker that's a shitty fanfiction, not a real
movie. check your facts asswipe
Reply |
4-1-2008
@ 8:22PM
HollandsOpus32 said...
Awesome! I'm geeking out because I'm a huge Tarantino
fanboy! Buscemi better still be Mr. Pink! Don't get Zac Efron
or somebody lol ;}
Reply |
|
THE BOX OFFICE DEAD ZONE:
Best Box Office Predictions On the Web
Posted April 1st 2008 10:49AM by Vern
File Under:Finance, Calculations,
Bizarre Fetishes
As
you know I am an expert on how much money other people will earn
for things, but even for me the first weekend of April is a tough
one to predict. Everybody can do 4th of July weekend or third week
of September but the beginning of April does not always stick hard
and fast to the same logorithms and formulas. Still, I know how
vital it is to all of our readers and their families to read different
people's predictions of what the early estimate will soon be for
how much money we consumers gave to a particular corporation during
a specific two day window. So I will not let you down.
1.
$21.9 million
Sadly, there will not be a huge smash hit this weekend, I predict
whatever the top movie is will only make this amount. Enough to
buy off any one of our families to sell at an exotic meat store,
but still a huge embarassment for a corporation trying to sell a
movie. Hollywood should be ashamed of themselves and I hate them
for this god damn bullshit. Fuck you Hollywood. Do better.
2. $13.2 million
For second place this time of year this is not too shabby, I was
pretty surprised to predict this.
3. $9.7 million
If weather predictions don't hold up in the midwest there is a possibility
this could fluctuate between .2 and .3 million but I am going to
stick with $9.7 just on a gut feeling.
4. $8.7 million
Given the number of major studio releases in the past three weeks
and the available screens $8.7 million is not too shabby for fourth
place, I am very proud of whatever corporation receives the money
for this picture.
5. $5.2 million
On the other hand, nobody should be bragging about making just over
$5 million dollars in 2 days, what the fuck is wrong with you people,
get a new job. what the hell are you cocksuckers fellows
gonna do with only that many millions of dollars for your corporation,
what could you even buy with that it's ridiculous. Sorry I'm getting
a little worked up here I have to stop and go calm down for a while
6. $4.9 million
7.
$4.72 million
8. $4 million and seventy-five cents
The ticket prices at the Magic Johnson theater chain just went up
twenty-five cents
9. $3.3 million
10. $2.8 million
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Boxes
Etc.
America's top box and
container store: Boxes Etc.
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Review:
Taboo: Love Hurts - Vern's take
Posted
April 1st 2008 9:22AM by Vern
File Under: Torture Porn, Outrage,
Taking a bold stand
 Although
as a professional movie writer I do not follow horror movies, I
have enjoyed many horrors such as The Exorcist all the
way to Poltergeist. However I can not help but be angered
and incensed by the direction that modern horror has taken. Films
such as Hostel, Saw, The Devil's Rejects just try to top
each other with their brutality and graphic violence. They have
no plot or content, they are nothing but a guy getting his head
cut off and dropping the f-bomb while he tortures girls for 2-3
hours. I haven't seen them but I bet that's what they're like. Whatever
happened to the old time horrors where not everything had to be
shown in order to be scary. They didn't need torture to make The
Exorcist scary, although they did have a girl masturbating
with a crucifix, which I'm against.
I
am proud to say that I have always been against Saw and
Hostel ever since the very first time I read a hysterical
and uninformed editorial against them. I have been a very vocal
opponent of the genre for years now but with Halloween coming up
in only six months I thought it would be a good time to see one
for myself. I didn't know where to start but the helpful staff at
Blue Video on Aurora Avenue told me some of the more popular torture
porn movies to check out and one of the ones I ended up going home
with was Taboo: Love Hurts. I am not familiar with the
other works of director Lee Forbes, but if they're anything like
this he's no Alfred Hitchcock in my opinion. His camerawork is merely
adequate and he seems to have little interest in story or character,
it's all just an excuse to get to the next "scary" scene
of girls being tied up and having sex.
I'm
not even going to dignify this "film" with a plot description,
not only because there is not a press kit for me to cut and paste
it from but because I am so offended I almost s--- my pants. Although
there is very little attempt to develop their characters it is very
upsetting to see the graphic and demeaning situations that happen
to the characters played by young actresses Shyla Stylez, Tory Lane,
Britney Mason and Sativa Rose. And no matter what the sleazy producers
may say about it, in my opinion the subplot about Rita Faltoyano's
"cruel secretarial training" has nothing to do with being
a good office worker. It's just filth.
Everyone
involved in this picture should be ashamed of themselves and their
bodies. I know people need to pay the bills but it's a wonder how
even a lesser known actress like Mistress Dragon (best known for
her turns in Eye Candy: Camp Fuck-A-Lot and Grand Theft
Orgy) would be willing to take on a role where she has to be
so abusive to other women. It's not scary and it's not art. It's
just so pointless. This may not have occurred to the filmmakers
but I would not be at all surprised if there are some perverts
out there actually getting off on this stuff.
On
the positive side, the costumes (made mostly out of latex) are quite
imaginative. Hopefully some time in the near future the talented
individuals in that department will be able to apply their craft
to a movie that is more worthwhile.
After
Hostel Part II's lowan-expected box office take I was really
hoping that the torture porn trend would be over. Unfortunately
that could not be further from the truth. In fact at the store where
I rented Taboo: Love Hurts there is an entire section of
these Saw knockoffs with titles such as Interrogation:
South American Style, Anxious in the Dungeon, Orgasm Hostages and
Medical Pain Sluts. I also watched and was offended by
many of these, but this blog's parent company, Quiznos-Halliburton,
would not allow me to reproduce their cover art, or describe their
cover art, so I reviewed this much tamer movie instead. Still, I
hope you will share in my disgust and outrage. There is a line and
these "filmmakers" have crossed it. They have been very,
very naughty and we, as a society, should punish them.
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Torture
Well, really it's more like "enhanced interrogation."
We do not torture.
|
Porn
Did you know there are works of pornographical photography
which may be viewed while one manipulates his genitals manually?
To learn more, check the internet.
Ads
by Google
|
|
Hey
look, I'm a blogger!
Posted
April 1st 2008 9:01AM by Vern
File Under: Excitement,
Optimism,
Naivete
Notice
anything different? That's right, this is the very first post in
a new era for your ol' outlaw. I am going to deliver you the same
high quality writing as always but with backing from some fine companies
and in this new "blog" format that is so popular. I fully
intend to maintain my dignity, integrity, etc. although I will be
doing new things they asked me to do like polls, box office coverage,
etc. Please be sure to support all of the consumer products that
are advertised on here because I quit my job and I am hoping to
still have shelter and heat as well as food.
I'm
sure it it will be awesome! What do you folks think?
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