Welcome to the redesign!

I'm so excited to announce that after nearly ten years of struggling in obscurity and independence on geocities I have finally gone pro. As of today I have sold my websight and obtained sponsorship so that I can pursue a much more professional style of movie coverage like you all crave.

Don't worry, I am still allowed to write words like m-----------, a------, g-- d----, etc., I'm just not allowed to spell them out or use them more than 12 times per pay period. And so far I have not once been asked to tone down my attacks on directors or movies connected to our advertisers, such as Michael Bay. I have done that completely on my own volition because I don't want to get anybody in trouble. Also I am against "torture porn" like everybody else now because that would look bad if I said I was for it.

It is every person's dream to get paid for doing what they love, and it is my dear hope that doing this blog will still count as doing what I love. At first I was worried that the blog format might be bad news, I might end up posting all kinds of half-assed stupidity just because you need to keep posting in order to keep people interested so that they will keep coming back so that they will keep clicking on ads so that sponsors will keep buying ads so that I can pay my bills so that my electricity will not be turned off so that I will not have to wear longjohns. Actually I am still kind of worried about that, my fear has not subsided, but hopefully it will turn out okay. What do you folks think?

(visit an archive of the old sight site here)

EXCLUSIVE FIRST LOOK: Shrek 4 window decal

Posted April 1st 2008 4:55PM by Vern
File Under: Animation, Farting Goblins Or Whatever, Window Decals

Vern's Hollywood Movie Biz Blog is very proud to have received this exclusive sneak peak of one of the most highly anticipated of the two upcoming Shrek sequels. We have learned that the title is Shrek Goes Forth and it's going to be presented in the 3-D format from PDI Dreamworks Animation SKG Inc.

This is a window decal that will be on the windows at some theaters, to advertise Shrek 4. I think this is a very clever design we were very lucky to get this here first. You see it is a number 4 only it has antennas on it, like Shrek does. This is not even available in theaters until tomorrow and will not be on the web anywhere else for an EXCLUSIVE 72 hour window. We would like to give our most sincere thanks to PDI Dreamworks Animation SKG for giving us this opportunity and especially to Dana, Pam and Kelly from their promotions office for making this all possible as well as my tech team and I would also like to give BIG props to Jacob who sent alot of emails and Julie who spent many long hours on the phone trying to iron out all the details to bring you guys this special treat. Remember, you saw it here first.

Thanks guys for checking out this exclusive first look and hopefully with our new relationship with the publicists we will be giving you alot more amazing inside looks like this one. We'll keep our eyes out for any window decals for Shrek 5 although from what I understand from their publicists they are planning to first release Shrek 4 and only then will they start to unveil the plans for how to promote Shrek 5. That's Hollywood for ya! But you can bet we'll be there whenever it happens and you will get the scoop as soon as we do!

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Today's Poll: Originals or Sequels?

Posted April 1st 2008 3:52PM by Vern
File Under:Sequels, Real Interesting Questions to Ponder, Polls

Everybody likes a good, strong movie with characters you've never seen before. But an argument could be made that you also like to see those characters that you love return for more adventures! That's why The Godfather is good but what about The Godfather Part II? Are you with me?

What do you think? Do originals really rock your world? Or are sequels the "part 2" watch for? Which one do you prefer, originals or sequels? Don't be shy, make your opinion known!

Are you an originals guy/gal, or a sequel lover?

Originals are the only way to go!

Sequels are my favorite


No opinion

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Exclusive Paraphrase: Transformers 2

Posted April 1st 2008 2:58PM by Vern
File Under:General Motors, Xbox 360 , Mountain Dew

Our colleagues over at PopcornExplosion.net got their hands on a real juicy scoop - a look at the script and a possible teaser poster for Michael Bay's highly anticipated sequel to the smash hit Transformers! You can click on the link to read the original story or stay tuned here to see the same information communicated using different words!

According to the report:

"The current draft of the script really ups the ante from the first film. Although we will continue to explore the burgeoning romance and manhood of young Sam Witwicky as well as all the other beloved characters such as John Turturro, the dog, the black guy that ate the donuts, the team of computer experts, the secretary of defense, the secretary of defense's assistant, and several new ones, Transformers 2 sets the stage for some incredible special effects which will blow your mind! There has never before been so many special effects!

"The third act builds to an apocalyptic battle or 'judgment day' when armies of good and evil Transformers robots wage war on each other for earth supermacy and the future of robots and mankind. The title on the script is 'Judgment Day' which fits with what we have been hearing, that this is not a working title but in fact the official subtitle of the movie."

If that's not enough to whet your appetite they also got their hands on a potential design for the T2 teaser poster! Keep in mind this design is not final, so the colors and fonts may be imperceptibly tweaked before Bay, Spielberg, Dreamworks, Hasbro and Mountain Dew are all willing to sign off on it.

Man, I hope they stick with this design! Looks like an early contender for poster of the year. It really captures the dynamic action of the franchise. For those of you who are not total "fanboys" like us the characters pictured are (left to right) Megatron, Frenzy (in front), Optimus Prime, Barricade, Megatron in a different pose.

UPDATE: I have been told I had the poster upside down. I'm not so sure but just in case here it is the other way.

I prefer the other way but even if this is the correct orientation it is a thrilling poster design. I cannot wait for this trademarked property to return in 2009!

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Vern's Six To Grow On: Top 6 Movies I Don't Have Anything Insightful to Say About

Posted April 1st 2008 12:32PM by Vern
File Under: Lists of Various Shit, Gandhi, Jane Fonda hot

I've actually never seen thihrough I don't think. I like Gandhi though, the guy, not the movie. I should see this one. The director, Richard Attenborough, also was in Jurassic Park, and I liked that one.

Jurassic Park
This was a pretty cool movie in its day, the effects were really amazing. Children love dinosaurs. the lawyer gets bit on the toilet LOL.

Drive starring Mark Dacascos
This was a straight to video movie alot of people said was good, and I thought it was okay but I didn't really get that into it. This one guy used to always email me talking up the director and begging me to review it, so I watched it again, but I didn't really know what to say about it so I never wrote about it. The guy that played Dwayne Wayne on A Different World is in it too. I think he even has those flipup glasses. Maybe not. I don't really remember.

Get Carter
Michael Caine was so badass in this one. british I believe.


Romeo and Juliet by Franco Zefirelli
This was a popular movie version of the famous play by William Shakespeare, a famous playwright.

Chariots of Fire.

On Golden Pond
I always thought Jane Fonda was a hottie, but not in this one. This one is not really about that so much. I haven't seen it since the '80s though. Maybe it is awesome, who knows. One of my top three of all time.

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Thanks for checking out our Pulp Fiction review.


Pulp Fiction revolves around John Travolta who plays a hitman who will stop at nothing to obtain a briefcase for his boss Marcellus Wallace (Ving Rhames). However he also has to look after Marcellus's wife (Uma Thurman) who has nice, tempting feet. Samuel L. Jackson plays Jules (Samuel L. Jackson), Vincent (John Travolta)'s Bible-quoting partner. Meanwhile Bruce Willis (Bruce Willis) plays a boxer who refuses to throw a match for Marcellus. But everything changes when some redneck perverts do Marcellus up the butt in the basement of a pawn shop. If I were Marcellus I'd call the Better Business Bureau!


It's great to see John Travolta in such a great role for the first time before he squandered all the good will that he got for this role on the other roles that he did after this role. There is lots of crisp, quotable dialogue courtesy of writer/director Quentin Tarantino, who also plays the part of Jimmy. I'm not saying it is an Oscar winner but it is pretty good, and also did win an Oscar. The direction is adequate. DON'T READ THIS PART YET JUST SKIP TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH: after I figured it out I decided it was real clever so it should go in the "the good" paragraph and not "the bad" paragraph.


Tarantino's direction is confident, perfectly framed and he is clearly superb with actors, but I would rather see that camera flying around and goin whoosh and shit like that, that's what directing is, dude. Learn it. Also I have a beef with the writing, I was a little confused by it because it's all out of order, you're not sure which part happened first, which part happened second, which part happened third and worst of all which happened after that and almost as bad which happened last. However once it was over I sort of figured out so PLEASE SKIP BACK TO LAST SENTENCE OF "THE GOOD" SECTION AT THIS TIME THANK YOU.

Alot of the dialogue is witty and entertaining but it loses some of its power from being quoted by everybody you ever met for the past nearly decade and a half, so obviously it was written in a pretty short-sighted manner. The plot could be tighter, tying up loose ends such as what is in the briefcase anyway and why does it always show people talking on the way somewhere or something, usually that's the part of the story you're supposed to skip over. Should be more action.


Pulp Fiction is a funny, warm and ultimately endearing film that I just loved. John Travolta shows us he’s evolving as an actor, the framework of the movie (three different connected stories) is interesting and functionally works very well. I’m not the biggest fan of non-linear storytelling at all, but if more of them were like Pulp Fiction, I’d be a whole lot more excited about seeing new ones when they came out. Overall I’m going to give Pulp Fiction an 8.5/10

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EXCLUSIVE GALLERY: New stills from Ultimate Pandas

Posted April 1st 2008 10:55AM by Vern
File Under:Pandas, Adorable bear-like creatures, Endangered animals

My friends - I used to think those other panda DVDs were as good as it was gonna get. Pandas are an endangered species, they don't like to screw very often, they are hard to find in the wild, at least in the U.S. I figured they had gone pretty much as far as technology would allow as far as DVDs about pandas and panda related issues.

That was before I found out about Ultimate Pandas. Now, listen to me - I want to be very clear about this. Make no mistake about it. I want you to forget about all other panda DVDs. This is Ultimate Pandas. By definition, all other panda DVDs are penultimate or less.

Obviously I'm not gonna tell you people what to do, but I will tell you honestly what I am going to do. I am going to hang onto my other panda DVDs for the time being. But as soon as I have Ultimate Pandas in my possession, at least after I have opened it up and tested the disc to make sure there are no manufacturing errors, I'm gonna throw those g-- damn things out the window. If it's not ultimate then what use is it? Nothing. I wouldn't even donate them to Goodwill or a hospice or anything because why insult those people by giving them an out-of-date product? I care too much to do something like that.

I have not seen this DVD yet so this is not my review, but let me give you an example of why my expectations are high for this f----r. On the websight web site for Ultimate Pandas they use the pun "unbearable" and refer to pandas as bears. I was pretty upset because I had known for many years that pandas were not bears, they were a member of the raccoon family. This is why they have dark circles around their eyes. Pandas are not bears, they are raccoons, that's just how I was raised. I couldn't understand why Ultimate Pandas would say something so incorrect, how could it still be ultimate?

But then I did some research and I learned that pandas are now bears. When I was growing up pandas were considered raccoons but scientists have now promoted them to bears due to genetic testing that proved they in fact had bear in them and not just raccoon. Ain't that a bitch? I guess that explains why they look like bears. Ultimate Pandas knows that pandas are bears because Ultimate Pandas is at the very cutting edge of panda research. That is why they can make a pun like "unbearable" which would have been impossible on previous, no longer relevant panda DVDs such as Panda Totally Panda or Meet the Pandas or in my opinion even Baby Panda's First Year.

Anyway without further adue we at Visa/Quiznos Vern's Movie Blog are very f---ing proud to have been given this EXCLUSIVE still gallery from Ultimate Pandas. You will not see these stills ANYWHERE else. If you do it's because some g-- d--- c--------- thief f------ robbed it from us to take credit for something the f----- had nothing to do with. This is your one and ONLY place on the web for Ultimate f------ Pandas pics. They will give you a sneak peak at what is in store for you on Ultimate Pandas to whet your appetite. WARNING: THESE PHOTOS CONTAIN MAJOR PLOT SPOILERS FOR ULTIMATE PANDAS


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BREAKING: Hollywood plans controversial Reservoir Dogs sequel

Posted April 1st 2008 10:52AM by Vern
File Under:Quentin Tarantino, Sequels, Hard News

Well, the Internet has spent years talking about The Vega Brothers but now it looks like Hollywood plans a different approach. Screenwriting newcomer bitterfig has penned Reservoir Dogs 2: Pink and Brown according to movie news site fanfiction.net.

Fans will be delighted to hear that the new screenplay is jampacked with references to popular culture such as The Brady Bunch and Frankenberry. But one aspect may divide fans. (Warning, this article contains spoilers.) According to the article, the new screenplay involves some serious sexual tension between Mr. Brown (Quentin Tarantino) and Mr. Pink (Steve Buscemi), culminating in a climactic five minute kiss.

No word on when filming will begin, but it looks like they've already started up the viral marketing to hold us over for now. Personally I'm not sure what to think. Like the Ferris Bueller 2 that is currently in the works by a guy in Arizona this is a sequel that could go either way. Here's hoping it is a high quality sequel worthy of the Dogs franchise and not just a cheap cash-in.

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4-1-2008 @ 7:06PM

DarthShaunoftheDead said...

you stupid cocksucker that's a shitty fanfiction, not a real movie. check your facts asswipe

4-1-2008 @ 8:22PM

HollandsOpus32 said...

Awesome! I'm geeking out because I'm a huge Tarantino fanboy! Buscemi better still be Mr. Pink! Don't get Zac Efron or somebody lol ;}


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Best Box Office Predictions On the Web

Posted April 1st 2008 10:49AM by Vern
File Under:Finance, Calculations, Bizarre Fetishes

As you know I am an expert on how much money other people will earn for things, but even for me the first weekend of April is a tough one to predict. Everybody can do 4th of July weekend or third week of September but the beginning of April does not always stick hard and fast to the same logorithms and formulas. Still, I know how vital it is to all of our readers and their families to read different people's predictions of what the early estimate will soon be for how much money we consumers gave to a particular corporation during a specific two day window. So I will not let you down.

1. $21.9 million
Sadly, there will not be a huge smash hit this weekend, I predict whatever the top movie is will only make this amount. Enough to buy off any one of our families to sell at an exotic meat store, but still a huge embarassment for a corporation trying to sell a movie. Hollywood should be ashamed of themselves and I hate them for this god damn bullshit. Fuck you Hollywood. Do better.

2. $13.2 million
For second place this time of year this is not too shabby, I was pretty surprised to predict this.

3. $9.7 million
If weather predictions don't hold up in the midwest there is a possibility this could fluctuate between .2 and .3 million but I am going to stick with $9.7 just on a gut feeling.

4. $8.7 million
Given the number of major studio releases in the past three weeks and the available screens $8.7 million is not too shabby for fourth place, I am very proud of whatever corporation receives the money for this picture.

5. $5.2 million
On the other hand, nobody should be bragging about making just over $5 million dollars in 2 days, what the fuck is wrong with you people, get a new job. what the hell are you cocksuckers fellows gonna do with only that many millions of dollars for your corporation, what could you even buy with that it's ridiculous. Sorry I'm getting a little worked up here I have to stop and go calm down for a while

6. $4.9 million

7. $4.72 million

8. $4 million and seventy-five cents
The ticket prices at the Magic Johnson theater chain just went up twenty-five cents

9. $3.3 million

10. $2.8 million

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Review: Taboo: Love Hurts - Vern's take

Posted April 1st 2008 9:22AM by Vern
File Under: Torture Porn, Outrage, Taking a bold stand

Although as a professional movie writer I do not follow horror movies, I have enjoyed many horrors such as The Exorcist all the way to Poltergeist. However I can not help but be angered and incensed by the direction that modern horror has taken. Films such as Hostel, Saw, The Devil's Rejects just try to top each other with their brutality and graphic violence. They have no plot or content, they are nothing but a guy getting his head cut off and dropping the f-bomb while he tortures girls for 2-3 hours. I haven't seen them but I bet that's what they're like. Whatever happened to the old time horrors where not everything had to be shown in order to be scary. They didn't need torture to make The Exorcist scary, although they did have a girl masturbating with a crucifix, which I'm against.

I am proud to say that I have always been against Saw and Hostel ever since the very first time I read a hysterical and uninformed editorial against them. I have been a very vocal opponent of the genre for years now but with Halloween coming up in only six months I thought it would be a good time to see one for myself. I didn't know where to start but the helpful staff at Blue Video on Aurora Avenue told me some of the more popular torture porn movies to check out and one of the ones I ended up going home with was Taboo: Love Hurts. I am not familiar with the other works of director Lee Forbes, but if they're anything like this he's no Alfred Hitchcock in my opinion. His camerawork is merely adequate and he seems to have little interest in story or character, it's all just an excuse to get to the next "scary" scene of girls being tied up and having sex.

I'm not even going to dignify this "film" with a plot description, not only because there is not a press kit for me to cut and paste it from but because I am so offended I almost s--- my pants. Although there is very little attempt to develop their characters it is very upsetting to see the graphic and demeaning situations that happen to the characters played by young actresses Shyla Stylez, Tory Lane, Britney Mason and Sativa Rose. And no matter what the sleazy producers may say about it, in my opinion the subplot about Rita Faltoyano's "cruel secretarial training" has nothing to do with being a good office worker. It's just filth.

Everyone involved in this picture should be ashamed of themselves and their bodies. I know people need to pay the bills but it's a wonder how even a lesser known actress like Mistress Dragon (best known for her turns in Eye Candy: Camp Fuck-A-Lot and Grand Theft Orgy) would be willing to take on a role where she has to be so abusive to other women. It's not scary and it's not art. It's just so pointless. This may not have occurred to the filmmakers but I would not be at all surprised if there are some perverts out there actually getting off on this stuff.

On the positive side, the costumes (made mostly out of latex) are quite imaginative. Hopefully some time in the near future the talented individuals in that department will be able to apply their craft to a movie that is more worthwhile.

After Hostel Part II's lowan-expected box office take I was really hoping that the torture porn trend would be over. Unfortunately that could not be further from the truth. In fact at the store where I rented Taboo: Love Hurts there is an entire section of these Saw knockoffs with titles such as Interrogation: South American Style, Anxious in the Dungeon, Orgasm Hostages and Medical Pain Sluts. I also watched and was offended by many of these, but this blog's parent company, Quiznos-Halliburton, would not allow me to reproduce their cover art, or describe their cover art, so I reviewed this much tamer movie instead. Still, I hope you will share in my disgust and outrage. There is a line and these "filmmakers" have crossed it. They have been very, very naughty and we, as a society, should punish them.

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Well, really it's more like "enhanced interrogation." We do not torture.


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Hey look, I'm a blogger!

Posted April 1st 2008 9:01AM by Vern
File Under: Excitement
, Optimism, Naivete

Notice anything different? That's right, this is the very first post in a new era for your ol' outlaw. I am going to deliver you the same high quality writing as always but with backing from some fine companies and in this new "blog" format that is so popular. I fully intend to maintain my dignity, integrity, etc. although I will be doing new things they asked me to do like polls, box office coverage, etc. Please be sure to support all of the consumer products that are advertised on here because I quit my job and I am hoping to still have shelter and heat as well as food.

I'm sure it it will be awesome! What do you folks think?

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