Kick or Die
There is a movie that was released by American International Pictures in 1987 that’s still only available on VHS, and the name of the movie is KICK OR DIE. If you need any more information than that, please enjoy this review.
KICK OR DIE is a particular type of ‘80s b-movie that I have a soft spot for because it’s very serious but has a deranged view of human behavior, and every once in a while the drum machine and the synthesizers kick in and people start fighting. It’s far from the best of this sort, but it’s novel because it lumps together a couple different popular movie types of the era that you wouldn’t necessarily expect to overlap: 1) night stalker whodunit 2) karate movie 3) lady trying to make it as a singer.
That first one might understandably keep some people from watching it. A serial rapist has been attacking women on a college campus. The scenes of the attacks are over quick, but obviously unpleasant to sit through. In the daylight the campus is swarmed with media and protesters as the board of directors or whatever meet about what to do. The football coach says “I say we hire a karate expert to come and teach the girls how to kick his god damn balls in!” (read the rest of this shit…)
Trancers II: The Return of Jack Deth
TRANCERS II: THE RETURN OF JACK DETH is a DTV sequel that came out in 1991, six years after the original TRANCERS, and four years after the at-that-time-unreleased anthology short TRANCERS: CITY OF LOST ANGELS. The cop from the future was now starting to be a relic of the past, like he’d always dreamed.
A new screenwriter, Jackson Barr (BODY CHEMISTRY, SUBSPECIES, ROBOT WARS, MANDROID) joins director Charles Band (PARASITE), but otherwise everybody is back. Tim Thomerson (between an episode of The Flash and an episode of Baywatch) is Jack Deth, the time traveling future cop now well established as an old-timey private eye in 1991 Los Angeles. Despite the subtitle he’s not returning from anywhere, he’s just sticking around in the same place. (And he beat BATMAN RETURNS to it by a year.) He’s married to Lena (Helen Hunt, a year before starting Mad About You) and they live in a mansion with Hap Ashby (Biff Manard, DESERT KICKBOXER), the former MLB player they saved from homelessness. In the intervening years Hap “made a pile of money” on “commodities speculation” and now collects firetrucks (?!).
The biggest tension in Jack and Lena’s relationship is that Lena wants them to buy their own house to settle down and have a kid in. Gone are her punk rock days. She wears bland ‘90s jeans and has regular-colored hair. She looks like Helen Hunt, actually. (read the rest of this shit…)
Blades of the Guardians
BLADES OF THE GUARDIANS is the new movie that’s gonna make me even more confused when I’m trying to remember which OF THE GUARDIANS movie is the owl one and which is the Jack Frost/Easter Bunny one. But I’m willing to face that challenge in exchange for a new movie directed by the now 80-year-old legend of martial arts choreography Yuen Woo-ping. (Holy shit, MASTER Z: THE IP MAN LEGACY was almost 8 years ago?)
(Note: the full on screen title is BLADES OF THE GUARDIANS: WIND RISES IN THE DESERT. Man, I love movies!)
Wu Jing (LEGENDARY ASSASSIN, KILL ZONE 2, WOLF WARRIOR 2) stars as Dao Ma, a bounty hunter and bodyguard for hire who’s also the second most wanted fugitive in the empire. I actually didn’t recognize him for a second because he has long hair and looks a little older and smaller than I think of him as. In a good way, though. He kinda looks like Vampire Hunter D with his all black outfit and wide brimmed hat. He travels with his young nephew Xiao Qi, but it’s not like LONE WOLF AND CUB because he tries to cover the kid’s eyes when there’s violence. (read the rest of this shit…)
Your Monster
YOUR MONSTER is a 2024 romantic comedy with a fantastical genre concept. Laura (Melissa Barrera, ABIGAIL) is a theater actor who gets dumped by her longtime boyfriend Jacob (Edmund Donovan, CIVIL WAR) while she’s in the hospital getting cancer treatments. She lived with him, so when she gets discharged she goes to stay at her wealthy but absent mother’s house to try to put herself back together. But she doesn’t really get around to that. She mostly eats pies that her mom sends and cries so much that she starts getting regular Kleenex shipments from Amazon.
Then one day she’s startled by a monster (Tommy Dewey, STEP UP REVOLUTION) in the closet. He’s not that fancy of a monster, just kinda like Ron Perlman’s Beast on Beauty and the Beast – gnarly brow, lion-like nose, long hair and beard, hairy hands. He is a monster, but he wears t-shirts and just talks like a dude. When she wakes up from fainting he’s kinda offended she doesn’t remember him. He reminds her she saw him under her bed when she was a kid. And he chased off some dork who tried to kiss her and tried to shame her for not wanting to. I think she remembers.
Anyway, he says the house is his now and she needs to get the fuck out. She cries for a while, so he gives her two weeks. (read the rest of this shit…)
The Secret Agent (2025)
THE SECRET AGENT (O Agente Secreto) is the last 2025 best picture nominee I hadn’t seen, but I was gonna see it anyway. By coincidence I had just caught up with writer/director Kleber Mendonça Filho’s 2019 film BACURAU (which he co-directed with Juliano Dornelles) right when this came out here. THE SECRET AGENT is slightly more normal, but still very distinct, and a leap forward in terms of filmmaking prowess. As far as Oscars it’s a surprising choice because it’s in Portuguese and it’s odd and puzzling and and takes its sweet time letting you know what it’s about. But also it kinda makes sense because it’s unique and great and though it’s about Brazil in 1977 it has many echoes of things going on right now over here and elsewhere.
Last year also had a Brazilian best picture nominee – I’M STILL HERE – a haunting story about how people tried to go on living while authoritarianism and corruption were corroding their society in the ‘70s. This tackles overlapping material in a completely different way, a little more comparable to my favorite movie of the year, ONE BATTLE AFTER ANOTHER. It’s serious and tragic but also very funny and satirical, a realistic world peppered with the surreal, the absurd, the arguably exaggerated that’s somehow truer than if it wasn’t. And it’s that rare pleasure of a movie where I truly have no idea what it’s going to be about or sense of where it’s going but I stay enraptured. (read the rest of this shit…)
Goku Midnight Eye / Goku Midnight Eye II
I don’t identify as an anime fan. Not because I’d be ashamed to, but because I don’t want to steal that valor. Real anime fans contain volumes of cultural knowledge that I lack. I don’t think I’m a tourist, but maybe a vacationer. At most a dabbler, a casual partaker, an occasional appreciator. But I love the artform of animation, so some of that stuff hits the spot.
Recently I made the connection that a bunch of the ones I’d enjoyed were directed by Yoshiaki Kawajiri: WICKED CITY, NINJA SCROLL, VAMPIRE HUNTER D: BLOODLUST, THE ANIMATRIX and HIGHLANDER: THE SEARCH FOR VENGEANCE. (I also reviewed AZUMI 2: DEATH OR LOVE, a live action movie he wrote.) I like his outlandish characters, his wildly exaggerated violence, and his general approach of style and energy taking precedence over all else. So I remembered the name when I came across a blu-ray called GOKU MIDNIGHT EYE. It’s directed by Kawajiri and written by/based on a manga by Buichi Terasawa, who created another one I really dug called SPACE ADVENTURE COBRA. I’m glad I paid attention, because this is a really good one. (read the rest of this shit…)
Rumpelstiltskin (1996)
The idea of a horror movie called RUMPELSTILTSKIN seemed funny enough to me in the 1990s that I got a poster for it in the free bin at the video store (“1996 THEATRICAL RELEASE!” it exclaimed) and hung it on my wall, but not enough that it ever occurred to me to actually watch it. Then a couple years ago the eccentrically curated label Terror Vision put out a fancy 4K/blu-ray special edition, and I thought, “Could it actually be good?”
Well, that depends on how you define “actually good.” I’d say I got more out of JACK FROST, which had almost the same trajectory for me. But RUMPELSTILTSKIN is one of those movies, scarcer and arguably more charming now, that take an absurd horror concept and go to town with it, knowingly silly and with some jokes but with at least a main character who treats it with complete sincerity. At the time it was easy to hate, but now it’s easier to at least get a smile out of it. (read the rest of this shit…)
40 Acres
40 ACRES is a 2024 post-apocalyptic movie, set 12 years after a fungal infection killed all the animals, causing civilization to collapse. It centers on Hailey Freeman (Danielle Deadwyler, THE HARDER THEY FALL) and her family, who grow corn and weed on their farm, which they protect fiercely and skillfully. In the opening some raiders show up (mostly white, mostly rednecks), maybe thinking the Freemans will be pushovers, but at first they can’t even find them. They just hear them whistling. Next thing they know they’re being shot and sliced and chased through the corn field. When it’s over we see that even the Freeman kids were part of the battle, and they’re very proud of their headshots.
We notice some trepidation from big brother Emanuel (Kataem O’Connor, TIME CUT), though. He unmasks the last one he shot and is clearly bothered that it was a young woman. Then she turns out to be alive and he hesitates to finish the job. But his mom orders him to, so he does it. (read the rest of this shit…)
You Can’t Win (2026)
I watched a curious new movie that nobody else seems to know about. Just came out on DVD yesterday, no fanfare whatsoever, and I couldn’t find any reviews or even promo photos of it. It says “based on the bestselling book by Jack Black,” but I don’t think it’s trying to trick us into thinking that’s the same Jack Black from I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER. This one spent his life riding the rails and stealing, and then he wrote a memoir about it that was published by Macmillan in 1926. I admit that I never heard of it before, but it seems it was a sensation in its time and it’s stayed enough of a cult book that it was reprinted by Amok Press. Apparently William S. Burroughs read it when he was a kid and cited it as an inspiration. (This was before Encyclopedia Brown.)
That seems like a book I should read, but more relevant for this moment it sounds like good source material for a potentially interesting movie. And what really sold me on it is that it’s directed by Robinson Devor, whose debut was the excellent Charles Willeford adaptation THE WOMAN CHASER. He also did the documentary ZOO that some of you might remember me reviewing for The Ain’t It Cool News.
YOU CAN’T WIN is kind of like an evil cousin to TRAIN DREAMS. It’s another hazy, non-linear contemplation of a quiet, simple man’s life in the late 1800s and early 1900s. Both were filmed and partially set in Washington state, and IMDb says they share nine crew members, plus Will Patton (THE POSTMAN), who appears on screen this time, he’s not the narrator. Both movies include problematic encounters with Chinese immigrants (this guy gets caught trying to steal from James Hong). But while Mr. Train Dreams spent his life working what was considered an honest job and yearning to be home with his family, this Jack Black does nothing but crimes for most of his life, always riding the rails, never sticking in one place except when he gets locked up. He does have a girlfriend at one point, he finds her on a river bank crying, she seems like an interesting character who says her name is Annie but implies that’s not her real name. I believe they stick together for a while, but whether that can be measured in weeks or years I couldn’t tell you, because those sorts of things are never made very clear in this movie. (read the rest of this shit…)
Bloody Nose, Empty Pockets
BLOODY NOSE, EMPTY POCKETS (2020) is an incredible slice of life movie. It’s not a documentary but it sure feels like it is (you even see the camera operators a couple times). It’s kind of like a more verite take on another indie drama I love, LAST NIGHT AT THE ALAMO. It’s the story of the last day of operations for a dive bar called The Roaring 20s, from the morning to the next morning. You’re in this old place full of history, walls covered in photo collages and in-jokes, now joined by hand-written signs with messages like “Y’all don’t come back now, y’hear?” You’re spending a day and a night with a bunch of drunks and weirdos and bartenders, experiencing the power of human connection and the beauty of life in all its flaws and failures and sad endings. So much to love, so much to mourn, this is life.
I love how a movie like this creates a feeling of time. No matter when you watch it you experience the start of a day, the morning greetings, the guy who brought donuts. And eventually it’s dusk, and then it’s the middle of the night, then the sun rising, and though it was only the length of one movie you feel like it was a long day. But a good one. (read the rest of this shit…)
1. Patreon
Toss me a couple bucks a month, support the good shit, also get access to a bunch of exclusive writing. This is my primary source of writing money that has allowed me to cut down to part time at the day job. Thank you!
2. Buy my books from your local bookseller or somebody
click here for my Amazon author page (NOTE: My ten year contract has passed on the Titan books, so I don't get residuals on them like I do WORM ON A HOOK and NIKETOWN, but I would love for you to read them because I'm proud of them)
EXTRA CREDIT: Review them on Amazon! That would really help me out. Unless you didn't like them, in which case forget I said anything.
4. My exciting line of fashion and leisure products
(I get a couple bucks per item, you get a cool t-shirt, mug or lifestyle item)
-
