THE PAPERBOY is the new one from Academy Award nominee for Best Director Lee Daniels. That’s the guy that did PRECIOUS, BASED ON THE NOVEL PUSH BY SAPPHIRE as well as SHADOWBOXER, BASED ON THE IDEA THAT HELEN MIRREN AND CUBA GOODING JR. ARE ASSASSINS AND SHE RAISED HIM BUT ALSO THEY’RE FUCKING AND SHE HAS CANCER. I feel like the critical community embraced PRECIOUS without really picking up on how nutty it was, or doing a background check on Mr. Daniels’s previous work. So they did cartoony “wh-wh-whUHHH?” double-takes when THE PAPERBOY played at Cannes and had a part where Nicole Kidman territorially pisses on Zac Efron from HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL. Because it’s a Lee Daniels movie. (read the rest of this shit…)
Remember when it got out that Channing Tatum had been a stripper before he was an actor? I forget if he said it in an interview or if it was Wikileaks or something, but there were alot of stories about it in the entertainment journalism and it was a big joke to everybody. But who’s laughing now, motherfuckers? Tatum found the best possible way to own that on the set of HAYWIRE when he convinced Steven Soderbergh that his experiences would make a good movie. It might’ve gone a different way if it was on the set of GI JOE and it was Stephen Sommers that ended up directing MAGIC MIKE. But Soderbergh is the guy to take any subject matter, find what’s interesting about it, bring out the innate and sometimes unknown talents of his cast, and shoot it beautifully. He’s made one of his little independent character pieces, but he threw in just enough shirtless cowboys humping stages to advertise that for the ladies.
After the election on Tuesday, which brought us 4 historic gay rights ballot victories, the first openly gay Senator and the most women in the Senate ever, it was a no-brainer to spend Friday night watching Spielberg’s movie about Abraham Lincoln and his people’s fight to eke together a coalition to pass the 13th amendment to the Constitution, ending 400 years of slavery. Also, SKYFALL was sold out. (read the rest of this shit…)
After discovering THE LOST a couple weeks back I wanted to see what else writer/director Chris Sivertson had done. The answer was I KNOW WHO KILLED ME and this underground fighting movie that coincidentally has just come to disc. It’s like the guy predicted when I would catch up with him and said “You know what, I want to do something special for ol’ Vern. Give him a movie in a genre he enjoys.” (read the rest of this shit…)
What if there were like a book of maps, only it was made out of the sky? That would be weird.
Well, anyway. At a climactic point in CLOUD ATLAS a character talks righteously about freedom, and about refusing to accept boundaries. And that’s what Lana and Andy Wachowski (who directed this along with Tom Tykwer) have done with their lives, their careers and this movie in particular. If you haven’t heard what CLOUD ATLAS is, it’s a nearly 3-hour epic based on a supposedly unadaptable book. It takes place in a bunch of different time periods ranging from the age of slavery to a dystopian future to even a post-apocalyptic future after that. But not in order – it jumps around from story to story, like a bunch of unrelated movies edited together as a weird joke on Youtube. (read the rest of this shit…)
You guys know who Booker T and the MGs are, right? The amazing instrumental R&B group, centered around soulful organist Booker T. Jones, with a group of super-tight studio musicians including Blues Brothers Steve Cropper and (in a later lineup) Donald “Duck” Dunn. They were the house band for Stax Records, so not only did they have all their great albums but you can hear them backing up Otis Redding, Wilson Pickett and others.
If you know them you might also know this song, “Time Is Tight”:
Recognize that? Their somewhat similar song “Green Onions” is used in way more movies, but “Time Is Tight” is in FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS, so you’ve at least heard it in there.
One thing I didn’t know until a couple years ago is that this song was originally composed as part of the score for a 1968 movie called UP TIGHT, directed by Jules Dassin (RIFIFI). I found the soundtrack on vinyl, but at that time the movie had never been on video. It finally came out a couple weeks ago so I checked it out.
As I start writing this I haven’t read any reviews or comments on THE MASTER yet, but I’m betting there’s alot of this:
1. It’s a masterpiece, if you don’t get it you’re dumb, why don’t you go see some mainstream movie like whatever that one movie is called, the one that you like, I don’t know the name because I don’t watch that kind of crap or know what it is
2. It’s pretentious nonsense that is pretentious, if you like it it’s Emperor’s New Clothes. It’s totally meaningless. Boring. The critics! Fuck!!!!!
Probly heavier on #2.
I would like to propose a third view, which is B. Kind of in the middle of the two. But in a separate column I think.
Sonny Boy (Michael Griffin) is a young man who lives in a metal shed, raised by a small town crime lord named Slue (Paul L. Smith, Bluto from POPEYE) and his lady Pearl (David Carradine – I think he’s playing a transvestite but maybe it’s gender-blind casting). Pearl has been protective of Sonny Boy ever since he was a baby. But obviously not protective enough, since they cut his tongue out (as a birthday present, they say), torture him with fire to give him tough skin, and train him to bite the necks of their enemies. (read the rest of this shit…)
What was the STEP UP saga missing before? Bikinis. The series began in Baltimore and in part 3 it continued into breakdancing’s birthplace, New York. Part 4 here is Assignment Miami Beach. We take up with a new set of characters, a group called The Mob, who stage ridiculous “flash mob” dance numbers as part of a Youtube competition to be the first dance crew to get 10 million hits. But when an out of town developer (Peter Gallagher, CENTER STAGE) plans to demolish their predominantly Latino neighborhood and replace it with a resort, they decide it’s “Enough performance art, time for protest art.”
As we learned last week in this Comedy & Laffs Marathon, Bobcat Goldthwait directed SHAKES THE CLOWN in 1991, then sort of disappeared from the movie world. He was still doing shit, like touring as the opening act for Nirvana and getting in trouble for lighting Jay Leno’s set on fire (as most comedians were doing in the ’90s, if I remember right). But he stayed away from directing until he started doing TV shows in the 2000s.
SLEEPING DOGS LIE (2006) started out as a script he wrote but knew nobody else would ever make. So his wife convinced him to take the plunge into no budget independent filmmaking. He literally hired the crew on Craigslist. (That’s why he wasn’t making movies in the ’90s – he would’ve had to use AOL or Prodigy or something.) Luckily the movie got into Sundance, got him some respect and now this is what he does is write scripts nobody else would ever make and then make them.
Here’s why he knew nobody else would make it: it’s a deeply-felt relationship dramedy entirely revolving around the lead character (Melinda Page Hamilton) having once given her dog a blowjob. I know, but hear me out. It happens in the opening scene. She’s home alone, reading a book, probly had a couple glasses of wine, the dog is laying there, she gets a mischievous look on her face…
ah, shit. I can’t explain it. There is no rational justification. But she does it. (Off screen, thank the Lord.) (read the rest of this shit…)
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if that's your thing:
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2. Buy my books from your local bookseller or somebody
(NOTE: My ten year contract has passed on the Titan books, so I don't get residuals on them like I do WORM ON A HOOK and NIKETOWN, but I would love for you to read them because I'm proud of them)
EXTRA CREDIT: Review them on Amazon! That would really help me out. Unless you didn't like them, in which case forget I said anything.
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THANKS EVERYBODY. YOUR FRIEND, VERN
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Recent commentary and jibber-jabber
Franchise Fred on The Inkwell: “Post John Wick Keanu has said he’d do Speed 3 publicly. How Fox didn’t put a writer on that immediately…” May 3, 00:11
grimgrinningchris on Serial Mom (+ intro to my new summer series): “That is likely my least favorite of the 80s-now Waters movies, but I even still like that one a lot.…” May 2, 19:32
Mr. Subtlety on Abigail: “Coming in late, but I think you all are crazy to focus so much on whether this was “spoiled.” Yes,…” May 2, 18:10
Dreadguacamole on Boy Kills World: “I categorically did not like this. Hate it might be too strong a word, but I found it hollow, dumb,…” May 2, 16:05
Inspector Hammer Boudreaux on Boy Kills World: “See, I took the ending as being kind of an OLD BOY rip-off. The LADY SNOWBLOOD assassin from birth finding…” May 2, 14:15
CJ Holden on The Inkwell: “Coming in 2025 to Netflix: THE SPEED, in which Keanu reprises his role as Jack Traven. A copycat killer who…” May 1, 23:53
Franchise Fred on The Inkwell: “Now I want to see the Flintstones attempt even if it was aborted. There is a world where there was…” May 1, 23:15
Glaive Robber on Boy Kills World: “First of all, it is the honor of honors to be mentioned in a Vern review. Thank you for that.…” May 1, 21:35
Ben on Boy Kills World: “@Kaplan I would also be down for that, but lets be real, there is more chance of me being picked…” May 1, 20:04
MaggieMayPie on Boy Kills World: ““Hopefully this is just my own hangup and it won’t bother you as much, if at all.” Vern, I agree…” May 1, 19:25
Kaplan on Boy Kills World: “@Ben They could always make less Star Wars movies. That is an option.” May 1, 18:41
Ben on Boy Kills World: “@kaplan I’m sorry a Star wars version of this would rule pretty hard. We’ve got like 11 classic star war…” May 1, 18:26
Kaplan on Boy Kills World: “Glad this got a review, as I didn’t want to discuss it in the Rebel Moon comments. It mostly worked…” May 1, 18:06
Ben on Boy Kills World: “People keep talking about how this movie is loud and abrasive and the cool fights don’t save it, but as…” May 1, 17:42
Ben on The Inkwell: “ya know in retrospect it’s kinda weird we haven’t gotten a speed reboot or legacy sequel or whatever. Like you…” May 1, 15:11
VERN’S “I RECOMMEND THE SHIT OUT OF THIS PRODUCT” CORNER: