"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

Worm on a Hook

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Terrifier 3

In 2022, a transgressive gorefest called TERRIFIER 2 was given a limited unrated release in AMC theaters. Kinda like GODZILLA MINUS ONE the next year it proved to be so popular they kept adding another set of screenings and another and another. There was enough of a buzz that I set aside my usual disdain for clown horror and fired up the first TERRIFIER on the ol’ Roku. That went pretty well so when TERRIFIER 2 screened in Seattle again I went, and kind of loved it. Later I caught up with ALL HALLOW’S EVE, the anthology made from two short films that introduced the idea of TERRIFIER.

So by the time of TERRIFIER 3 I’m a fully converted fan of the series, and there must be a whole lot of other people who followed that path, because this is truly unprecedented: an extremely gory unrated part 3 slasher movie that opened #1 at the box office. For extra laughs, it happened to beat out week two of a Hollywood evil clown sequel with literally a hundred times its budget. I’m pretty sure no one in the TERRIFIER camp was even trying to do that. But it’s a genuine phenomenon. (read the rest of this shit…)

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

For their 1978 remake of INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS, director Philip Kaufman (writer of THE OUTLAW JOSEY WALES) and screenwriter W.D. Richter (later did BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA) updated the Don Siegel film and/or Jack Finney story into a chilling paranoia tale for their era. But it has held up incredibly well, remaining one of the more unsettling alien invasion movies in existence. The original was a low budget indie production, this is a much slicker production, but they were allowed to keep their gut-punchingly pessimistic ending, and that goes a long way.

This came out the year before ALIEN, and its opening has a similar combo of timeless practical effects and matter-of-factness about mysterious threats from the dark reaches of the universe. The credits play over a gorgeous sequence of strange plants on some planet somewhere – transparent tubes, whisps of smoke, I don’t know what – as their seeds float up and drift through space, as mentioned in the Siegel film.

In San Francisco the seeds land on some wild plants and, over time, produce some sort of slime. I have no idea how they did the shot of tiny tendrils reaching out from a leaf. Small pink blossoms sprout on top of other plants, and a woman notices one and plucks it off. She is Elizabeth Driscoll (Brooke Adams, SHOCK WAVES, DAYS OF HEAVEN), she works at the health department and has an interest in plants and says she thinks it’s a grex. “That’s when two different species cross-pollinate and produce a third completely unique one.” (read the rest of this shit…)

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956)

Don Siegel’s INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS (1956) is a fun movie and a bonafide sci-fi/horror classic for the resonance of its premise alone. A group of friends notice some people acting odd in their California town, then find a strange humanoid drone body that turns out to be the result of alien seeds that drifted through space and grew pods that create lookalike bodies of humans and replace them. The doppelgangers duplicate every cell and even the memories of the infected, but they lack human emotions. The more observant people start realizing their loved ones aren’t themselves, but nobody believes them.

It’s just such a timelessly unsettling idea – sensing that something isn’t quite right, not being able to convince anybody, even questioning it yourself, until you realize it’s a massive conspiracy. The one thing maybe creepier than finding an unfinished clone unconscious in your basement or greenhouse – what in the holy fuck!? – is seeing people gather in a parklet to distribute truckloads of pods for infiltrating the surrounding locales. They’ve taken over enough of the town that they’re comfortable doing this out in the open now.

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Slasher Search Presents action-horror double feature: HELLKAT / SHADOW: DEAD RIOT

A couple years ago, you may remember, I was kind of giving up on my Slasher Search tradition, because the pickings were getting really slim when it came to the type of undiscovered ‘80s slasher I was looking for. Some of you talked me into broadening or adjusting the criteria, so I’ve been experimenting with the mostly more modern horror obscurities that can be found scrolling through the horror sections on Tubi and similar free streaming services. That’s been going okay so far, so I’ll try dipping in a little again this year and see what happens.

For today’s special programming I tried out two movies that stretch the definition of “slasher,” but they seem at least tangentially related to supernatural slashers like Freddy and Candyman. Or at least one of them has Tony Todd in it. Okay, these are not really slashers, they’re action horror. Instead of a final girl running from a killer they have a martial artist who falls into monster troubles and has to fight.

HELLKAT (2021) stars Sarah T. Cohen (EASTER BUNNY MASSACRE) as Katrina “HellKat” Bash, a former champion fighter who, after a career ending loss, goes on a road trip, gets stranded, finds herself at a mysterious bar with an unholy secret. I was a little worried when Katrina’s “fall from grace” in the ring was depicted with voiceover only, no fighting seen. No ring. Then some pretty rough green screen driving and cg smoke. But that’s okay. That’s what we’re dealing with. Cohen at least has a good tough girl presence to go with her neck tattoos, chainsmoking, fishnets and Doc Martens. (read the rest of this shit…)

In a Violent Nature

IN A VIOLENT NATURE was one of this year’s most hyped and intriguing indie horror movies. It’s a slasher hailing from the land of Canada (see also: BLACK CHRISTMAS, PROM NIGHT, MY BLOODY VALENTINE), but it it takes an unusual approach that made some describe it as an “ambient slasher” or “slow cinema” after its midnight Sundance premiere. Writer/director Chris Nash cited Gus Van Sant’s camera-following-people-walking-around trilogy and Terrence Malick as inspirations, while many reviews compare the style to the Dardenne Brothers and Bela Tarr. So when I finally saw it on Shudder I was surprised that it’s much closer to a normal slasher movie than the arty deconstruction or reinvention I’d pictured from all that.

Yes, the approach is inspired by the above-named filmmakers, but this is not some self-serious, nihilistic chiller. It winkingly repurposes arthouse techniques for pulpy purposes. Alex Nino Gheciu of the Globe and Mail wrote that the film “has no protagonists. Everything is shown from [the killer’s] perspective,” which puts in mind the opening of THE TOOLBOX MURDERS, but it’s not that either. You have your usual characters, they’re just not at center frame the whole time. (read the rest of this shit…)

Dead Silence

This may be lost to time now, but back in the aughts when SAW was a new thing it was seen as a huge underdog story. These clever young Australians, director James Wan and writer Leigh Whannell, had taken first Sundance and then the world by storm with their gritty, against-the-grain little high concept horror movie that cost a million dollars and grossed more than 100 times that much just in theaters. Soon it would be tarred as “torture porn” and looked down on for having an endless series of sequels, and then it would sort of outlive that criticism and become a beloved institution. It hasn’t been Wan’s baby for most of that time, but unlike the makers of THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT or PARANORMAL ACTIVITY, he was able to grow a bigger directing career from that success. He didn’t want to repeat himself, and stepped back to executive produce the first sequels while he and Whannell hooked up with Universal to make a $20 million ghost story called DEAD SILENCE.

But it was seen as a huge dud. It made less than its budget in theaters and received “generally unfavorable reviews” according to Metacritic. Man, I should’ve known to see it anyway. I mean I did, I always meant to catch up with it, but it took me this long. It’s funny because you can see how people back then who pegged Wan as this extreme horror guy and wanted something really seedy were like, what the fuck is this? Haunted dolls? Flying cameras? I want to see something fucked up! I don’t think I would’ve agreed with them at the time, but today this is definitely the kind of enthusiastic absurdity I want from the director of MALIGNANT. (read the rest of this shit…)

A Quiet Place: Day One

A QUIET PLACE: DAY ONE is something rare and kind of lovely: a big franchise genre movie that uses those expensive trappings for something modest, simple and beautiful. As the title implies, it takes place right before and during the initial onslaught of super-hearing monsters from space that eat anybody who makes a sound, quickly causing the fall of society and leaving a smattering of by-necessity-non-verbal post-apocalyptic survivors. We get those monsters, some tense set pieces, some clever ways to deal with them, some (I believe) new information about how they work and how mankind first reacted. But really it could be almost any disaster scenario, because what’s great about it is that it spends this day of almost certain doom with a protagonist who was already about to die anyway.

You see, it opens in a hospice somewhere outside New York City, where Sam (Lupita Nyong’o, NON-STOP) is grouchily living out her last days. We see a little bit of her life before the aliens, but at that point she’s already dealing with a different apocalypse. Before that she was a poet, daughter of a jazz pianist, we don’t know much else. Now she’s funny but kind of a bummer, anti-social, disruptive of the peace. A friendly nurse, Reuben (Alex Wolff, HEREDITARY) seems worried about her, is trying to nudge her out of her grim mood by convincing her to come on the weekly field trip to see a performance in the city. He bribes her with a promise to get pizza afterwards, and she brings her cat Frodo. (read the rest of this shit…)

The Substance

At some point in the last decade or so the movie-discussers really latched onto the term “body horror.” They kinda act like if you can identify a movie as body horror that means it’s legit. But also when they say it they almost always mean one thing: it has some David Cronenberg-inspired New Flesh type stuff at some point. I kinda wonder how many of the people comparing any vaguely misshapen flesh to Cronenberg bothered to see his last movie, but I suppose that’s irrelevant.

THE SUBSTANCE definitely fits the category, and there are reasons to compare it to Cronenberg, but tonally, I gotta say, this is way more Frank Henenlotter and Brian Yuzna. Picture a movie that’s a descendent of SOCIETY and the BASKET CASE trilogy and makes you wonder what Screaming Mad George is up to these days, but that also boasts an acclaimed lead performance by Demi Moore, won Best Screenplay at Cannes and is distributed by MUBI. That’s what THE SUBSTANCE is.

For me it was a must-see because it’s movie #2 from Coralie Fargeat, writer/director of REVENGE (2017). It sucks that it took her 7 years to do another feature (with only the serial killer convention episode of The Sandman in between), but thankfully she struts into her delayed sophomore outing like she has diplomatic immunity. She brings along her stylish design, blood-smeared rich people homes and mythic battles between beautiful women with star-shaped earrings and awful men, but this time in a sci-fi vein and much broader, sillier and more indulgent. I’m not sure if I would’ve noticed it was 141 minutes if I didn’t know it going in, but I love Fargeat’s dedication to overdoing absolutely everything, beginning with its narratively redundant (but all the more beautiful for it) time lapse sequence about the lifespan of a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. (read the rest of this shit…)

Infested

INFESTED (Vermines) is a very good French giant spider movie I watched on Shudder a while back and I’m happy to recommend it for your October viewing (or otherwise). It’s a movie with tons of style, energy and personality as well as, you know, spiders. The opening has almost an INDIANA JONES, adventure movie kind of feel, as we follow a pick up truck of Arab smugglers into the desert where they smoke a swarm of rare spiders out of a hole to capture in plastic containers. These things are so deadly that when one of their crew gets bit they have to put him out of his misery with a machete, but they still pack some of them up. And one of them will end up in Paris.

This is a good creature movie, but for me it could go in some other genre direction and still be amazing, because it’s just so good at establishing this setting and the main character Kaleb (Theo Christine, GRAN TURISMO), and you may assume one thing or another about him but you keep finding out he’s more odd and complicated than you had previously assumed. (read the rest of this shit…)

Ayiti Mon Amour

As I write this there’s a terrible sickness going around. All the world’s authoritarian assholes have agreed it’s time to whip out the ol’ “immigrants are scary” cliche to rile up the dumbest motherfuckers on earth. In my country there’s a specifically idiotic one where the two sweaty goblins running on the Keep Trump Unaccountable For His Crimes ticket purposely spread a racist myth about Haitian immigrants in a specific town in Ohio, leading to weeks of chaos, harassment and bomb threats. And of course they’ve refused to apologize, doubled down on the lies, and promised to deport these (legal!) immigrants if they manage to take power again.

What can I do about this within my chosen medium of outlaw film criticism? The level of ignorance and gullibility a person would have to possess in order to believe these particular grifters on this specific con seems almost unfathomable, and I do not think it’s within my gifts as a writer to express the humanity of Haitians to somebody lacking the wisdom of the common housefly. All I can do is enlighten myself a little by watching a movie from Haiti and trying to learn a little something. There aren’t many of them available in the U.S., but I found a pretty good one. (read the rest of this shit…)