"KEEP BUSTIN'."

Steven Seagal

Seagalogy Studies: The Page…

On Deadly Ground
1994
On Deadly Ground

But the real attraction here is first-time director Steven Seagal, who also stars as Taft. I don’t know if you boys are familiar with Mr. Seagal’s other work, such as MARKED FOR DEATH and ABOVE THE LAW and OUT FOR JUSTICE and other movies with those same type of titles. He fights in what I call a Dolemite style, which means that he’s kinda fat and slow but they pretend he’s beating everybody anyway.

Half Past Dead
2001
Half Past Dead

To be fair, there is a part where Seagal and Chestnut fight while swinging around on chains, Thunderdome style. That was pretty good. But otherwise Seagal tries to stay rested. As a result, there is not a whole lot of bloodshed.

Out for a Kill
2003
Out for a Kill

Things get even worse for Yale’s most distinguished academician when he gets attacked at a restaraunt (why do thugs always flip over the tables before they start shooting?) and then at the assistant’s funeral. Plus they kill his wife! What a bunch of assholes! So he goes to the assistant’s dad and says, “The souls of our enemies will be ashes and dust gone in the sky before the funeral of our loved ones. That’s a promise.”

Belly of the Beast
2003
Belly of the Beast

Anyway, most Seagalogists don’t care as much about the political type subtext as they do about the action. Seagal is just as slow and unconvincing as in all of his recent movies, and whenever “he” suddenly does a big spin kick or something without his face showing it is laugh out loud funny.

Out of Reach
2004
Out of Reach

Unfortunately, OUT OF REACH is one of the shittiest pictures Seagal has ever made. It’s not as boring as THE FOREIGNER and maybe makes more sense than BELLY OF THE BEAST but the low quality of this one is pretty astounding. I mean say what you will about Seagal, but this is a guy who used to make real movies.

Into the Sun
2005
Into the Sun

All he really does to investigate is look at a video and ask a couple people if they know anything, but coincidentally he bumps into a young Yakuza on the street and gets into a fight, beating them all senseless. Next thing you know the poor kid has to cut off his pinky as a “token of regret” and the bad guys are worried about this “American who grew up in Japan… apparently he is a sword master.”

Submerged
2005
Submerged

There’s a little more gore than in recent Seagal pictures, but the same small amount of action. Just alot of shooting, a couple fake looking models exploding and a car chase that Seagal’s not even in where a car crashes into a watermelon truck. Seagal’s aikido looks completely unimpressive, but Vinnie Jones has one good fist fight.

Today You Die
2005
Today You Die

Seagal has some funny moments though. He knocks on the front door at Max’s place and the security guy asks “Who are you?” He says, “Uh… Girl Scouts of America.” Okay, doesn’t sound good, but I liked his delivery. I wouldn’t say the same for his attempts at ebonics, though. Ice tells him he’s a cold motherfucker and he says, “Ice cool, ya’all.”

Black Dawn
2005
Black Dawn

Anyway, I think fans will like this better than THE FOREIGNER because it’s not nearly as dull, but I gotta say that it’s equally complicated and mostly humorless. It’s also not as silly as the most entertaining Seagal pictures, but it definitely has its moments.

Mercenary for Justice
2006
Mercenary for Justice

This is not my favorite type of Seagal picture. I wish he would get back into the intimate hand-to-hand on the street type of fighting. Instead the DTV era is more about traveling around to different countries tracking people down and then most of the action is machine guns and exploding cars.

Shadow Man
2006
Shadow Man

SHADOW MAN, I’m sorry to say, is the most boring movie Seagal has made so far. At least on my first viewing. To be fair, both THE FOREIGNER and THE PATRIOT seemed alot more fun the second time I watched them. In some ways maybe Seagal movies are like operas, you gotta understand the plot first before you can appreciate all the pageantry. But still, this is not one of my favorites.

Attack Force
2006
Attack Force

Before I was able to rent this one I got two emails telling me it was the worst movie Seagal had ever made, a real piece of shit. Both specified that they even enjoyed SHADOW MAN. Well, I think I see where they’re coming from. There’s just not enough Seagal in this movie.

Flight of Fury
2007
Flight of Fury

In some ways the movie seems more competent than the last one, ATTACK FORCE. For example, we know they knew what the plot was before post-production, because it was already available on DVD as BLACK THUNDER. But in other ways you gotta wonder what the hell they were thinking.

Urban Justice
2007
Urban Justice

URBAN JUSTICE is a huge leap ahead, a very enjoyable picture. Seagal has shown that he can make a good Charles Bronson type of picture. Next I think he should show that he can still make a good Steven Seagal type of picture.

Pistol Whipped
2008
Pistol Whipped

Before anybody gets too excited, I should mention that nobody gets literally pistol whipped in this movie. That may be an oversight but I think the title is a play on the term “pussy whipped.” He’s henpecked by his pistol.

The Onion Movie
2008
The Onion Movie

So as far as 5-year old DTV comedy that you watch with extremely low expectations, it’s passable, or at least gets over quickly. But looking at this thing through the eyes of a Seagalogist it’s more of a bust.

Kill Switch
2008
Kill Switch

Seagal gets sole screenwriting credit, and while it’s not a very good story it does have a few memorable touches and variations on the usual Seagalogical scenarios. For the first time he has flashbacks not to some important experience in his career but to his childhood: he had a twin brother whose throat was slashed during a game of hide and seek.

Against the Dark
2009
Against the Dark

What? You seemed pretty high on vengeance a minute ago when you shot that guy! Now you act like you’re hearing about it for the first time and you sympathize with the dude. See, this movie would be better if it either a) was good or b) had more ridiculous crap like that. But this is about all you get.

Driven to Kill
2009
Driven to Kill

Seagal does try for a Russian accent throughout the movie (unlike in HALF PAST DEAD where he was also supposed to be Russian but only had a Kevin Costner level of dedication to the accent). I’m one of the bigger Seagal fans you will find but I have to admit that accents are more one of his hobbies than one of his talents.

The Keeper
2009
The Keeper

THE KEEPER isn’t bad, but it’s not one of the movies where Seagal goes the extra mile. In fact, not even the full mile. His first lines of dialogue are dubbed by someone else, and there are several obvious uses of a back-of-the-head double. On the other hand, he completely owns the role of The Keeper, or at least the packaging claims so: STEVEN SEAGAL IS THE KEEPER.

A Dangerous Man
2009
A Dangerous Man

“You know brother, where I come from the definition of death is emptiness. If that’s the case I’ve been dead for a long, long, long time.”

In fact there are so many of these type of lines, not to mention gratuitous boob shots, that it almost plays like the ultimate Seagal DTV movie in some ways. Just not my favorite ways.

Machete
2010
Machete

MACHETE embraces absurd gore, exaggerated stereotypes and a cartoonish sense of reality, similar to BLACK DYNAMITE’s philosophy of stealing all the most awesome parts of blaxploitation but making them 10% more ridiculous. For what it is the tone is just about right. I think it’s a little closer to a Real Movie than PLANET TERROR was.

Born to Raise Hell
2010
Born to Raise Hell

I’m not clear why he’s Born To Raise Hell, though. That doesn’t seem like an accurate description of his destiny or behavior. I suppose he could be Liable To Cause a Ruckus, but I wouldn’t go much further than that.

Maximum Conviction
2012
Maximum Conviction

But like I said I had low expectations, and although obviously I’d like to see better from these two titans of DTV action I honestly thought it would be alot worse. You get a small sampler of their appeal. It’s watchable enough.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 28th, 2012 at 11:49 pm and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

25 Responses to “Steven Seagal”

  1. Hi,

    Thought you might be interested in this, on BBC Radio 4 tomorrow.
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b01rl8nd

    Cheers,
    Ben

  2. Anyone seen Seagal spilling the beans on his five favorite movies over at RT?

    Regarding Henry
    The Last Emperor
    The Godfather
    Red Beard
    Yojimbo

    Except for “if I comb my hair forward maybe I’ll get an Oscar”-Ford it’s a good list.

  3. Surprisingly classy list, kinda surprising he doesn’t have even one martial arts film in there. Now, if only it were possible to discern any meaning whatsoever from his rambling commentary…

  4. Happy Steven Seagal’s birthday, everyone!

  5. I’m afraid we’ve got some more bad news about Seagal beyond him being a Trump supporter, it sounds like he’s also a sleazebag ala Harvey Weinstein.

  6. Yeah, disturbing news.

    We were
    discussing it yesterday in this CODE OF HONOR thread.

  7. YouTube

    Enjoy the videos and music you love, upload original content, and share it all with friends, family, and the world on YouTube.

  8. Cool to see, thanks

  9. I was about to say that this is the first time Ed Norton has ever come off like a cool guy without a stick up his ass but then I realized he’s admitting that he knows martial arts and NEVER ONCE USED THEM IN A FILM and I’m back to thinking this guy is no fun at all.

  10. He’s right though that scene is something else. Especially the escape via guy through window. ABOVE THE LAW will never get old.

  11. Wow. This brings up so many questions.

  12. Hey remember when Edward Norton was the big bad of the Jeremy Renner Jason Bourne spinoff that completely left you hanging and never got a sequel? That interview makes me wonder for the first time if there was actually going to be a physical confrontation between the two eventually, which is odd because it’s not like Norton is too old or out of shape or anything – he just seems to be more of a cerebral villain even though he was in a movie called Fight Club and everything.

  13. FYI – If you can still stomach movie podcasts, the newest episode of Saturday Night Movie Sleepovers is on Marked for Death and they have good things to say about Seagalogy and Vern (or, uh…”Vern from Ain’t It Cool News”). I’ve substantially lowered the number of movie podcasts I listen to because most of them just enrage me with their snarky attitude, but SNMS is consistently one of the best (the episodes do run way, way too long though – Marked for Death’s episode is 2:13 and I think as a general rule no movie podcast should be longer than the movie it’s discussing)

  14. What is the gimmick for them? I only listen to one movie podcast.

  15. Thanks for the tip, I’ll check it out.

    Which podcast is that again, Sternshein? I’ve gotten really into Blank Check recently. They’re harsher than me but share my fascination with auteurs who use their clout to make weird mainstream movies, they often stand up for widely hated movies (including ones I don’t like, such as GEMINI MAN!), have some really great analysis and make me laugh. I’m not current on them, though – I’ve been listening to an old Tim Burton series.

  16. Sternshein – I guess the gimmick is just “movies that we watched together at sleepovers growing up”, so mostly 80s/90s action flicks like Robocop or Predator, etc… even though every once in a while they’ll throw in a modern movie like John Wick or an older one like For a Few Dollars More. I’m pretty sure I watched most of Seagal’s Golden Era during sleepovers at a friend’s house too, so I can definitely relate. (I wonder do kids these days still sleepover at a friend’s house and watch Scott Adkins movies or something?)

    Vern – I’ll have to check out Blank Check then. I’ve somehow pivoted away from “Snarky movie podcasts where a talentless guy with a mic tells us how Director X fucked up and how he could have done it better” to “Snarky political podcasts where a talentless guy with a mic tells us how Democratic Candidate X fucked up and how he could have done it better”. So yeah, I’m in a constant state of enragement and I don’t know why I keep doing it to myself.

  17. For a sample you can look up the episode of The High and the Mighty about HOBBES & SHAW. Blank Check’s host Griffin Newman is the guest and he is so right on about not just that movie, but the appeal of FAST & FURIOUS, Vin Diesel, Sylvester Stallone, why The Rock’s movies aren’t that good, and many other things.

  18. Vern, I’m referring to Junkfood Cinema. I really tried to get them to bring you on as a guest to talk about Seagal movies but I’m not even sure you really want to talk about Seagal movies. BTW, you and Cargill were both AICN people I read, do you keep in touch with anybody on a semi-regular basis?

  19. Sternshein – I wouldn’t say I’m in touch with anybody other than on Twitter. But I keep up with what Drew and Quint and Jeremy Smith are up to. I should check out that podcast.

  20. I’ve listened to some of BLANK CHECK but I find the hosts a bit annoying to be honest. I will have to check out Junkfood Cinema and the Sleepovers one…although my podcast queue is probably about 9 months long.

    Some movie podcasts that I enjoy:

    HOW DID THIS GET MADE – I know some of you really hate this one for some reason. You just don’t like being happy I guess? My only knock on this one is that I don’t listen to episodes for movies I haven’t seen – which is most of them. But when I do listen I love it.

    THE REWATCHABLES – I really like this one even though the hosts can be annoying and have terrible takes. And the categories are also annoying. But some episodes are really good (like the BLOODSPORT one).

    UNSPOOLED – It’s like THE REWATCHABLES but with way less annoying hosts, way more research, and only covering the AFI’s top 100 movies. I would highly recommend this one to the crew here because they really do a deep dive on great movies. I just listened to the one on the WILD BUNCH and it was really good and informative.

    THE PROJECTION BOOTH – It’s like UNSPOOLED but waaaay more of a deep dive. So if you want to listen to a four podcast about GHOST DOG or MAD MAX, this is the one for you.

    DOUG LOVES MOVIES – a classic, but not as good lately. Still, a fun podcast which is basically a bunch of comedians talk about what movies they’ve seen and play movie trivia games. And he gets some good actors/directors from time to time (e.g. Riann Johnson was on recently to promote KNIVES OUT). It’s too bad he doesn’t do the Leonard Maltin game anymore as that was the best part of it (especially when Leonard Maltin is actually on the podcast).

  21. Man, Belly of the Beast…maybe the last time anyone worked on a Seagal movie who actually gave a shit. Horrible, horrible movie but it had some really good fights in it. Not shocking considering the director. The best is the big one at the end because it mostly focuses on the villain who is great at martial arts and only uses Seagal for close ups for the most part. Gotta love these movies that have Seagal doing shit he couldn’t even do in his PRIME.

  22. Seagal the dog-killing, serial-raping, slave-keeping, pants-crapping, morbidly fat Russian agent has just popped up again for whatever reason, this time in the country where journalists are killed with drills, and with a mask on his greasy chin.

    He now looks like an overinflated rubber rhinoceros with a plastic wig dropped on its head.

  23. I knew Seagal soiled his pants when Gene Lebell slapped him, and I knew he urinated in them when he dealt with Sonny S. but it turns out that in the latter situation, he cried in fear after meeting the “boys”, too!

    Sammy has just told the story and it’s hilarious:

    "Steven Seagal Was Hysterically Crying, FBI Agents Had To Hug Him" | Sammy "The Bull" Gravano

    Sammy "The Bull" Gravano shares a story about meeting actor Steven Seagal, and his relationship with the mafia._________________________________________Join ...

  24. That might only be of a little bit of interest for most people here, but Ekkehardt Belle, who was Seagal’s German dubbing voice for a long time, has died. Like I guess everybody else here, I stopped watching Seagal’s output long ago, so a recast of that part won’t be as annoying as when the standard voices of Tom Hanks or Robin Williams died. But he was in general a very prolific voice actor and had a really distinctive raspy voice, that could go from “cartoony evil” (He did indeed voice a bunch of cartoon villains from my childhood, like Phantom Fink in YOGI’S SPACE RACE or Negaduck in DARKWING DUCK) to badass. I think Seagal was his only standard actor, but he also appeared sometimes as Eric Roberts, Kevin Sorbo (during his whole HERCULES run) or Danny Trejo.

    Man, all our voice acting legends are dropping like flies these days. In his case it was complications from a surgery.

  25. It must be a mini relief of sorts to hear Seagal being dubbed because the movie itself is being dubbed in a specific language as opposed to him being dubbed EVEN in English, which has been the standard in the Seagal oeuvre of the last decade, rivalled only by the number of times he’s body doubled. It’s sort of a blessing in disguise, as when he uses his own voice, it’s either a half garbled, mumbled whisper forcing you to turn on the English Subs (for an English language movie), or an annoying (one could even say racist) attempt to sound Black when he’s talking to Black actors.

    I’d be down for a documentary featuring all of Seagal’s Body Doubles and Dub Artists, guys we’ve actually been seeing and hearing more than Seagal himself in the last 35 movies he’s made and the effort it took to make The Great Pony-Tailed One seem bad-ass. The mystery of how Seagal drops 50 pounds on the walk from his apartment doorway to his car, then gains it all back when it cuts to the shot of him inside the car. How he can sound like up to 3 different people in a single movie. And a breakdown of the Seagal Vs Mike Tyson fight in CHINA SALESMAN, the Apex of Body Doubling Magic, because reportedly, there wasn’t a single day when both were present on set at the same time.

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