"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

Ranking the Live Action Comic Book Movies of the ’90s

I have an extensive new piece over on Polygon where I rank and discuss all* of the live action comic book or comic strip based theatrical or DTV movies of the 1990s. I know it’s weird for me to be writing on a video game sight, but did you know that I’m actually pretty good at Ms. Pac-Man? You might be surprised.

This was fun because I didn’t really realize until I compiled a list how familiar I am with the topic. I’d seen almost everything that qualified, although I had to fill in a few holes and rewatch several that I hadn’t seen in decades (some of which I’ll be reviewing soon). I have my memories of what I thought of the movies at the time and it’s interesting to look at them all as one movement and consider how different they seem now that they’re artifacts of a bygone era.

Please don’t take the rankings too seriously. I’m already questioning why I didn’t move certain things around. For example, I know I put SPAWN up too high, trying to give it credit for notoriety. Hopefully my write-ups show a joy for what’s unique about this genre even in the lesser ones. Judging from the comments, my low ranking and lumping together of the three TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES movies is the most controversial choice. I didn’t see that coming, and I think it’s a generational difference – I’m just too old to understand why it’s so fucking hilarious that they love pizza. I’m more of a cats eating lasagna guy. But apologies for the blasphemy.

I wanted to mention here, since it didn’t really fit in the article, that looking at them all together made me realize one particular artist’s contribution to this genre. That person is not Danny Elfman, because I’d noticed he scored DICK TRACY, BATMAN RETURNS and MEN IN BLACK, plus the theme for The Flash on television, so I already associated him with comic book movies of that era. No, my new realization was that Nils Allen Stewart, guy who played Jesse Ventura in a TV movie and veteran action henchman with the weird hairdo in the ON DEADLY GROUND bar fight, appears in THE MASK, THE SHADOW, FIST OF THE NORTH STAR and BARB WIRE. Not bad.

Anyway, PLEASE ENJOY THE ARTICLE BY CLICKING HERE and let me know what you think.

*Zack Clopton on Twitter pointed out that I fucked up – I missed PRINCE VALIANT (1997). Damn it.

March 7th, 2019 | 74 Comments »

Iron Eagle On the Attack

IRON EAGLE ON THE ATTACK is part IV of the IRON EAGLE saga, made at a time when the series had transcended numbers. And theatrical releases. Specifically that time was 1995, so this is a little movie over on the fringes trying to keep the dream of the ’80s alive while DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE, GOLDENEYE, DESPERADO, CRIMSON TIDE, HEAT, BRAVEHEART, UNDER SIEGE 2: DARK TERRITORY, RUMBLE IN THE BRONX, SUDDEN DEATH and yeah, sure, MORTAL KOMBAT were keeping us occupied in theaters. So I guess I didn’t notice it.

According to IMDb, ON THE ATTACK went straight to cable in the U.S., but it doesn’t feel like as huge a step down in quality as some of the other TV sequels such as DIRTY DOZEN: NEXT MISSION or FIRESTARTER REKINDLED. It feels legit. Sydney J. Furie returns to the director’s cockpit, this time with a new writer, Michael Stokes (JUNGLEGROUND, NO CONTEST II, Paw Patrol).

The first thing you need to know about ON THE ATTACK: it’s the IRON EAGLE movie that sources its pilot team from a reform school. So it’s got the DREAM WARRIORS teen underdog thing going for it. (read the rest of this shit…)

March 6th, 2019 | 12 Comments »

Aces: Iron Eagle III

ACES: IRON EAGLE III is an impressive sequel because it brings back Louis Gossett, Jr. as Colonel Charles “Chappy” Sinclair in yet another humble day job, and then recruits him for yet another off-the-books missile-run into foreign lands, yet it switches the scenario around enough to still feel very new. See, this time he’s not mentoring a young hot shot – if anything, he is the young hotshot. He works at an aviation show with an international squad of surviving WWII pilots who perform simulated combat firing red paint bullets at each other. (Yes, a bad guy later replaces some of the paint bullets with real rounds.)

When the chips are down these grumpy old man space cowboy tough guys come out of retirement for one last job to prove that pilots were better before all these fancy pants doodads and what not. “Agh, flying computers, Captain. In our day it used to be the man, not the machine.”

They convince their boss, (Fred Dalton Thompson, DIE HARD 2) to let them soup up their air show planes even though he says they’re “priceless antiques” – he seems less concerned that the pilots are too – and they fly into action. (read the rest of this shit…)

March 5th, 2019 | 5 Comments »

Iron Eagle II

I don’t think I’ve ever seen any IRON EAGLE sequels, and I always love to see how the franchises unfold, so let’s do it. Part two came two years later, in 1988, with director Sydney J. Furie returning after SUPERMAN IV: THE QUEST FOR PEACE. The script once again is credited to Furie and Kevin Elders (Albert Pyun’s RAVENHAWK).

I was glad to see Jason Gedrick back as Doug Masters, now graduated from the academy that Chappie got him into at the end of part I. Oddly call-signed “Thumper,” he’s still popping in the rock ‘n roll cassette tapes to inspire his F-16 hotshottery. I was less glad to realize a couple scenes later that it was supposed to be his jet that got blown up in an encounter with Russian MiGs when they accidentally went into Soviet air space while fucking around, and that part II is about his just-introduced best friend Captain Matt “Cobra” Cooper (Mark Humphrey, FAMILY OF COPS II-III). (read the rest of this shit…)

March 4th, 2019 | 8 Comments »

Iron Eagle

I always remembered IRON EAGLE as a chintzy ripoff of TOP GUN, but in fact it came out six months earlier. Shame on you, TOP GUN. Did you think we’d never find out the truth? You’ve got alot to answer for.

Both movies involve hot-shot rule-breaking F-16/F-14 pilots who have run-ins with Russian MIGs, but IRON EAGLE is the only one that uses a stencil font at the beginning. That means it’s a legit b-action movie and therefore follows two tried and true traditions:

1) the UNCOMMON VALOR/RAMBO FIRST BLOOD PART II/MISSING IN ACTION off-the-books P.O.W. rescue mission

and

2) the RED DAWN/TOY SOLDIERS teens-take-matters-into-their-own-hands wish fulfillment adventure (read the rest of this shit…)

February 28th, 2019 | 21 Comments »

Iron Protector

a.k.a. THE BODYGUARD
a.k.a. SUPER BODYGUARD

IRON PROTECTOR (2016) is a fun and pulpy if not groundbreaking modern Chinese martial arts picture with a little bit of a throwback feel. The opening credits are throbbing with kung fu, c.g., three dimensional letters, fire and explosions, and the movie maintains that level of shameless flash, but it’s old school in the sense that it has lines like “Brother, your iron fist has improved alot,” and “Brother, everyone in my bodyguard company is a champion in his own right,” and “I let you help me start my bodyguard company because I wanted to develop the spirit of the Iron Kick,” and “You must live on for the spirit of the Iron Kick.” Also they make a big deal about writer/director/star Yue Song doing all his own stunts and not using wires.

It’s style is not unimpeachable. It has a cheesy transition effect that I think is supposed to remind you of a comic book. I always hate that shit. I guess that’s why reviews like this one on Cinapse call it a superhero movie, but it doesn’t seem to me like super powers as much as just classical martial arts mythology. Our hero Wu-Lin (Song) is the last master of a secret fighting style, the Iron Kick. His feet have stayed encased in metal boots for ten years as part of mastering the technique, so that’s where the Iron comes in. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 27th, 2019 | 3 Comments »

First Reformed

FIRST REFORMED is another Paul Schrader broken-man-slowly-boiling-over character piece in the tradition of TAXI DRIVER and ROLLING THUNDER. This time his subject is Ernst Toller (Ethan Hawke, DAYBREAKERS), the very nice and thoughtful reverend of a small 250 year old church in upstate New York that still exists because it’s a historical landmark. He sermonizes to about half a dozen people on Sundays, but his duties also include being a tour guide and stocking the gift shop.

He cares about the job, but it seems like it’s one of those transferred-to-Antarctica type situations. We slowly piece together some of the problems he has, the things he’s punishing himself for and how his life went south after the death of a son in the military. He writes journal entries in a spiral-bound composition notebook which we hear as calm, reasonable sounding voiceover, but sometimes he’ll casually drop in some bit that makes you do a double take, like when he laments, “If only I could pray.” Uh… you seem like a guy who would pray, is all I’m saying. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 26th, 2019 | 30 Comments »

Rest Stop: Don’t Look Back

I remember REST STOP (2006) being a decent DTV horror movie. I remember nothing else. I thought maybe it was about a slasher who hides in a rest stop restroom or something. I don’t know. So the opening of the sequel, REST STOP: DON’T LOOK BACK (2008) was a little befuddling. It starts in 1972 on “The Old Highway,” when a “Yes Jesus Loves Me” singing family picks up a hitchhiker in their RV. Weirdo mother Diane Salinger (CREATURE) ends up seducing him and then screaming in delight when her husband (Michael Childers, SOUTHERN JUSTICE) catches them together and kills the guy. The family – also consisting of twin sons and a disfigured dwarf – delightedly bury the body at a (the) rest stop, but suddenly the guy they’re burying appears, chops them all up, and buries their bodies.

Okay, so it’s a ghost movie, I don’t remember this at all. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 25th, 2019 | 10 Comments »

Pre-Oscar thoughts 2019

Okay, time for my traditional pre-Oscars post. As you have probly gathered by now, I enjoy watching awards shows, I do not think they are too long, I do understand that they don’t represent the best of cinema, and that it doesn’t really matter that much, and I’m not offended if you don’t care about the Oscars. It’s fine, we all do what we want to do. And here’s my piece about my favorite movies of 2018, which only slightly overlap with the things that were nominated.

For those who are interested though I wanted to gather links of my reviews to the nominated movies along with who I’m rooting for in some (not all) of the categories and some other related thoughts. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 22nd, 2019 | 54 Comments »

Nightshooters

NIGHTSHOOTERS is a low budget 2018 UK action movie that starts out feeling like a broad indie comedy but turns deadly serious when its regular non-warrior characters start getting killed. It takes place over one night as a small guerrilla film crew shooting without permission in an about-to-be-demolished office building happen to witness gangsters setting a guy on fire and have to fight for their lives.

Like so many movie-within-a-movie movies, it opens with their horror movie in progress, a zombie action film called DAWN OF THE DEADLY. It’s interesting because there are plenty of horror movies about people making a horror movie and encountering real horror (DESTROYER, SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE, DIARY OF THE DEAD, CUT, THE DEAD HATE THE LIVING, FURRY NIGHTS), but I don’t know of any other action ones. And this very much has the feel of a homegrown horror movie, from the type of characters (a little overly dickish, but eventually turning sympathetic) to the references to favorite movies. In this case, though, they’re not tipping the hat to horror movies – they talk about wanting their cinematography to look like JOHN WICK, and their star brags about being in a scene with Scott Adkins. It’s a weird feeling to see movie characters who know who Scott Adkins is. Even in the real world you gotta run in the right circles for that. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 21st, 2019 | 5 Comments »

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