I gotta tell you, I was surprised how much I liked HOUSE PARTY 4 (aka HOUSE PARTY 4: DOWN TO THE LAST MINUTE). A clever and meticulously constructed re-invention of the orig- Nah, just fucking with you. HOUSE PARTY 4 is a terrible movie. It’s the first in the series that’s at least as bad as I figured it would be, but not at all in the same way I thought it would be. It was made DTV in 2001 with the style and production value of some cable TV show made for 11-12 year olds (who would’ve been babies when the first HOUSE PARTY came out). In fact, I think the only thing making it higher than a PG rating is a song that plays on a radio that uses the word “pussy.” Otherwise it’s safe for Saturday morning TV. (read the rest of this shit…)
Kid, you look different since Part 2. Did you lose weight or something?
Okay, I’m not saying it’s very good, but I gotta admit, HOUSE PARTY 3 wasn’t as bad as I expected. Actually I was kinda impressed that each installment covers a different part of Kid’s life. Part 1 he’s (improbably) in high school maintaining friendships, bonding with his dad, starting his first serious relationship. Part 2 he’s going to college, learning about his heritage, facing challenges in keeping his girlfriend, dealing with loss. Now, for part 3, he says goodbye to childish things. He’s lost the fade and is thinking about cutting his hair altogether. He must decide how much he believes in his future as a rapper, accept that his parts 1-2 girlfriend Sidney wasn’t who he was meant to be with, and trust that his woman Veda (Angela Means) loves him even when she’s around naked dudes. All this because he’s about to get married. In HOUSE PARTY 3, Kid becomes Man.
You know how nowadays everybody wanna talk like they got somethin to say, but nothin comes out when they move their lips, just a bunch of gibberish, and motherfuckers act like they forgot about Dre? And this despite the widespread recognition of Dre Day, and everybody’s celebratin? Well, that must be tough for Dre, but it’s even worse for Dré.
Dr. Dre – title abbreviated, name spelled with an ‘e’, not an ‘é’ – is the famous producer/rapper, the genius behind NWA, discoverer of Snoop and Eminem, headphone consultant, Dr. Pepper advocate. He still produces, is still highly respected despite unleashing 50 Cent, appears on commercials all the time but somehow still has a mystique about him. He recently released a song from the album he’s been working on for ten years, so he’s on the cover of magazines and people are really believing it’ll come out in February. And plan to buy it. Most rap careers don’t last as long as just the time people have been anticipating this one album by Dre.
Meanwhile Doctor Dré – title spelled out in full, name spelled with a little wavy thing above the ‘e’ – you could definitely make a strong argument that motherfuckers weren’t acting, they sincerely had forgotten about that particular Dré. (read the rest of this shit…)
Recently I told you about how the Warner Archive and similar programs are releasing thousands of previously unavailable movies through the magic of made-to-order DVD-R. They’ve managed to finally release some real gems this way, but it also works for other less valuable minerals like HOT TO TROT, FEDS and CLASS ACT.
CLASS ACT is a Kid ‘n Play comedy vehicle released during the 3 year gap between HOUSE PARTY 2 and HOUSE PARTY 3 (a period known to many as The Struggle). It is not part of the HOUSE PARTY saga, they are playing different characters with different names. In this one Kid is a goodie-two-shoes science genius, Play is a notorious gangster troublemaker, and their identities are mistakenly switched when Kid falls face-first into the principal’s fat secretary’s boobs, causing her to drop their files and switch their headshots. (read the rest of this shit…)
The best thing about HOUSE PARTY was missing from HOUSE PARTY 2, that was Robin Harris. Of course they probly would’ve worked him in somehow if he was available, but he died of a heart attack in his sleep shortly after the release of the first one.
Harris seemed like he was on the verge of much bigger fame, at least according to two DVDs about him: ROBIN HARRIS LIVE FROM THE COMEDY ACT THEATER and WE DON’T DIE, WE MULTIPLY: THE ROBIN HARRIS STORY. (read the rest of this shit…)
HOUSE PARTY 2 has that typical sequel problem: holy shit, the first time we were just doing what we wanted to do, now we gotta live up to people’s expectations. So in the beginning they kinda redo the beginning of the first one. It’s another fog machined dream of people dancing, but this time they got recent Academy Award winner Whoopi Goldberg to do a cameo as an evil professor. And there’s lightning and stuff. Spooky.
They also had a less typical sequel problem: holy shit, the best part of part 1 died right after it came out. So they dedicate the movie to Robin Harris, have Kid say a little prayer to Pop, have photos of him around that sometimes come to life in brief clips from part 1. At the very beginning of the movie Kid says, “About that party – you were right to whoop my ass,” referring to the beating he was about to get as the credits rolled. Weird that that’s what his mind jumps to when he remembers his dad. Only way I can explain it is either Kid knows he’s in a movie about that house party, or Pop died while administering that beating. (read the rest of this shit…)
It goes without saying that this year of 2010 is the 20th anniversary of the release of the movie HOUSE PARTY starring the late ’80s/early ’90s pop rap duo Kid ‘n Play. The actual release was in March, of course, but we’re celebrating all year long. Please join me this week as we revisit all of Kid ‘n Play’s cinematic works and try to understand what the fuck we, as a nation, were trying to pull in the ’90s. (read the rest of this shit…)
This episode opens in the SUV with Colonel Fortunato getting a phone call. “Is that the narc call we’ve been expecting?” Seagal asks/expositions. They go to back up narcotics in stopping a vehicle they suspect of transporting large quantities of the wicked substances. As they watch the stop go down Seagal observes, “That’s strange, man. They got two women in the vehicle.”
It gets stranger, Chief. As the dope dog sniffs around you notice they got a baby in the car too. “Just ain’t right” Seagal says. This theme goes back to the previous episode, Seagal’s indignation at people putting children at risk by having them around criminal activity.
It turns out it’s just weed, but it’s huge bricks with the weight already Sharpied on them. They use Fortunato’s phone to add it up and if the measurements are correct (which I bet they are, if you’re responsible enough to label each package I’m sure you’re gonna get it right) it’s just under 100 pounds. (read the rest of this shit…)
Next week, if all goes as planned, I will be doing an in-depth analytical study that will completely reinvent film criticism forever as well as change the definition of what it means to be an American, a human, or a spiritual being. In my opinion. Obviously I’m toning that down a little so that your expectations are not too high, but it should be pretty good.
In the near future I also hope to review BORN TO RAISE HELL, the new Seagal movie that’s available in Region 2. But before I do either of those things I think it’s important to fulfill previous obligations, so I will be reviewing the last four episodes of season 2 (and the series?) of STEVEN SEAGAL: LAWMAN. At the end of those I will introduce a new still-evolving theory about the current state of Seagalogy. (read the rest of this shit…)
I always try to stay up to date on my favorite action movie guys. I accept them as human beings who age and deteriorate like all of us do (not including Prince), and I am very interested in their later works. But alot of people don’t, they turn on their stars if the oxygen ever hits their skin or if their metabolism betrays their bellies. That Australian beer commercial with Steven Seagal that came out recently, I saw comments on other sights it was posted and everybody fixated on his weight, obviously not having seen any of the 26 movies or two seasons of reality TV he’s done in the past 10 years. Same thing with Stallone, every time he comes out with a new one people start gagging about him being old, like it’s the most appalling thing they’ve ever seen. This is just the people reinforcing Hollywood’s obsession with young pretty people, but look at Clint. He’s older, greyer, more withered and hoarse than either of those guys, and I don’t think I’ve heard anybody feelin lucky enough to make fun of him for it. (read the rest of this shit…)
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Recent commentary and jibber-jabber
CJ Holden on Apex: “This director’s first credited directing job was the very first stage version of the Icelandic kids show LAZY TOWN, which…” May 1, 11:30
Rossco Beans on Apex: “A Lonely Place to Die is a great movie!” May 1, 06:56
Borg9 on Apex: “Yeah, this probably won’t get me back on the Netflix, but when I do fall off the wagon this will…” May 1, 04:14
Matthew B. on Apex: “SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER but I could not for the life of me figure out why she doesn’t try to solo…” Apr 30, 21:16
Schmoe Gunn on Apex: “It’s a shame this is Netflix-only. So much art is now hidden in walled gardens built by rentiers who use…” Apr 30, 12:33
BESTIEunlmt on Apex: “No mention of the human jerky connection to Lou Ferrigno’s ‘The Hermit’?” Apr 30, 12:04
dreadguacamole on Fatal Deviation: “Yeah, whoever said this was the worst movie ever made clearly hasn’t seen enough movies, and would never make a…” Apr 30, 10:04
dreadguacamole on Redline (2009): “This movie fucking rules, no other way to put it; Exhuberant is exactly the right word to describe it. It…” Apr 30, 09:35
Max K. on The Christophers: “Yeah, Coel’s prospective take on Bloodsport is still sight unseen maybe the most comedy skit accurate movie thing that’s happened…” Apr 30, 03:04
Birch on Redline (2009): “This really is The anime movie to me. Lots of fun and just absolutely gorgeous. Everyone I have ever shown…” Apr 30, 00:09
so-and-so on They Will Kill You: “thanks for reviewing this, i wouldn’t have heard of it otherwise. i watched Why Don’t You Just Die? back when…” Apr 29, 19:31
Gary Jive on Fatal Deviation: “@The Cosh – I was at the GFT too! Yeah, the movie pretty much sucked but it was an interesting…” Apr 29, 07:27
Martijn on Fatal Deviation: “If you’re looking into first martial arts movies made in… an interesting one might be the Dutch film Fighting Fish…” Apr 28, 23:24
Adam C aka TaumpyTearrs on Fatal Deviation: “Seconding the love for 1900HOTDOG.com and the Dogg Zone podcast. They also did an episode about Trancers 2 right around…” Apr 28, 23:01
Adam C aka TaumpyTearrs on Redline (2009): “I am genuinely jealous you got to experience this on the big screen, the speed and fluidity of the animation…” Apr 28, 21:51
EPILOGUE: 
Okay, I’m not saying it’s very good, but I gotta admit, HOUSE PARTY 3 wasn’t as bad as I expected. Actually I was kinda impressed that each installment covers a different part of Kid’s life. Part 1 he’s (improbably) in high school maintaining friendships, bonding with his dad, starting his first serious relationship. Part 2 he’s going to college, learning about his heritage, facing challenges in keeping his girlfriend, dealing with loss. Now, for part 3, he says goodbye to childish things. He’s lost the fade and is thinking about cutting his hair altogether. He must decide how much he believes in his future as a rapper, accept that his parts 1-2 girlfriend Sidney wasn’t who he was meant to be with, and trust that his woman Veda (Angela Means) loves him even when she’s around naked dudes. All this because he’s about to get married. In HOUSE PARTY 3, Kid becomes Man.
You know how nowadays everybody wanna talk like they got somethin to say, but nothin comes out when they move their lips, just a bunch of gibberish, and motherfuckers act like they forgot about Dre? And this despite the widespread recognition of Dre Day, and everybody’s celebratin? Well, that must be tough for Dre, but it’s even worse for Dré.
Recently I 
The best thing about HOUSE PARTY was missing from HOUSE PARTY 2, that was Robin Harris. Of course they probly would’ve worked him in somehow if he was available, but he died of a heart attack in his sleep shortly after the release of the first one.
HOUSE PARTY 2 has that typical sequel problem: holy shit, the first time we were just doing what we wanted to do, now we gotta live up to people’s expectations. So in the beginning they kinda redo the beginning of the first one. It’s another fog machined dream of people dancing, but this time they got recent Academy Award winner Whoopi Goldberg to do a cameo as an evil professor. And there’s lightning and stuff. Spooky.
It goes without saying that this year of 2010 is the 20th anniversary of the release of the movie HOUSE PARTY starring the late ’80s/early ’90s pop rap duo Kid ‘n Play. The actual release was in March, of course, but we’re celebrating all year long. Please join me this week as we revisit all of Kid ‘n Play’s cinematic works and try to understand what the fuck we, as a nation, were trying to pull in the ’90s.
Episode 2.7: “The Innocents”
Next week, if all goes as planned, I will be doing an in-depth analytical study that will completely reinvent film criticism forever as well as change the definition of what it means to be an American, a human, or a spiritual being. In my opinion. Obviously I’m toning that down a little so that your expectations are not too high, but it should be pretty good.
I always try to stay up to date on my favorite action movie guys. I accept them as human beings who age and deteriorate like all of us do (not including Prince), and I am very interested in their later works. But alot of people don’t, they turn on their stars if the oxygen ever hits their skin or if their metabolism betrays their bellies. That 
