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Posts Tagged ‘Keanu Reeves’

Vern snuggles with CONSTANTINE!

Wednesday, February 16th, 2005

Hey folks, Harry here in my geek recovery ward. Been getting a lot of reviews of CONSTANTINE in and it seems the more familiar with the comic the reviewer is, the more they dislike the film. Personally – other than seeing a lot of the covers, I’ve never been a big HELLBLAZER reader, and I found myself liking the film quite a bit. Almost exacly like Vern here, only less literate. Here he is…. on your knees, for he speaks…

Dear Harry,

Here is a review of a movie I saw starring Keanu Reeves (guy from the Matrixes)

Okay, first I got a warning for some of you comic strip wise guys out there. If you like the comic strip this movie is based on, DON’T WATCH THE MOVIE. It’s just not worth it, man. You’re gonna be mad because, according to my sources, in the comic strip the dude is British, and even if he wasn’t British, he wouldn’t be Keanu Reeves. Hey man I’m a purist too sometimes, I understand this. I’d be pissed if they made DIE HARD into a comic strip, but they got John McClane wearing shoes or something. Or playing a guitar. It’s gonna be hard to get past what they did here so forget it man, save your time, save the stress. Go get a massage or something. (read the rest of this shit…)

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Posted in Action, AICN, Comic strips/Super heroes, Horror, Reviews | 3 Comments »

The Matrix Reloaded

Saturday, May 24th, 2003

This might bother some of you but I just want to say it up front: put me in the camp of people who say the original MATRIX really is “the shit” as the kids say when they mean that it is not shit but actually the opposite of shit, which is I guess in this case THE MATRIX. Because what these boys the Wachowski Brothers did was an extremely well executed twilight zone concept for the post William Gibson days which also happened to be the perfect vehicle to combine over the top Hong Kong martial arts traditions with american actors and computer effects AND an appropriate metaphor for our times.

I love the idea that somebody like Jackie Chan or Michael Jordan who has extraordinary physical skills could actually just be a smart dude who figured out loopholes in the laws of reality. If you can understand the program well enough you can cheat and do things that a person isn’t supposed to be able to do. In the old shaw brothers movies it was just magic or shaolin wisdom but here we put those same spectacular moves in a sci-fi context and we get a whole different spin where even some jackass like Keanu Reeves can fly through the air and be so convincing that most of American can watch him as the iconic badass Neo and not even think of him as Keanu anymore. (read the rest of this shit…)

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Posted in Action, Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit | 13 Comments »

11 movies I saw about Dracula

Monday, June 12th, 2000

Well I bet the one or two of you who actually care about me are wondering, what the fuck happened to Vern. Where is his column. Why is he late. Did that Jet Li movie really make him so sad. What a puss.

The truth is I have been doing alot of soul searching, alot of introspective type work, alot of thinking, and all that type of garbage. You might say I am on a journey to find myself, or I am on an exploration of my past, or I am depressed, however in my opinion all of those things sound kind of fruity.

Whatever you want to call it, watching My Father Is a Hero really made me sad, especially when I found out this is the same picture the motherfuckers at Dimension or whoever have released as The Enforcer. The picture on the front shows Jet kicking a dude and although his son, Little Vern, is mentioned on the back, they really make it sound like he’s not in it that much. And I’ll tell you what folks that made a motherfucker even sadder to see my fellow americans pulling this kind of garbage on Jet and Little Vern. (read the rest of this shit…)

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Posted in Drama, Horror, Reviews, Romance, Vern Tells It Like It Is | 8 Comments »

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  • Recent commentary and jibber-jabber

    • CJ Holden on The Inkwell: “Coming in 2025 to Netflix: THE SPEED, in which Keanu reprises his role as Jack Traven. A copycat killer who…” May 1, 23:53
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    • MaggieMayPie on Boy Kills World: ““Hopefully this is just my own hangup and it won’t bother you as much, if at all.” Vern, I agree…” May 1, 19:25
    • Kaplan on Boy Kills World: “@Ben They could always make less Star Wars movies. That is an option.” May 1, 18:41
    • Ben on Boy Kills World: “@kaplan I’m sorry a Star wars version of this would rule pretty hard. We’ve got like 11 classic star war…” May 1, 18:26
    • Kaplan on Boy Kills World: “Glad this got a review, as I didn’t want to discuss it in the Rebel Moon comments. It mostly worked…” May 1, 18:06
    • Ben on Boy Kills World: “People keep talking about how this movie is loud and abrasive and the cool fights don’t save it, but as…” May 1, 17:42
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