Vern snuggles with CONSTANTINE!

Hey folks, Harry here in my geek recovery ward. Been getting a lot of reviews of CONSTANTINE in and it seems the more familiar with the comic the reviewer is, the more they dislike the film. Personally – other than seeing a lot of the covers, I’ve never been a big HELLBLAZER reader, and I found myself liking the film quite a bit. Almost exacly like Vern here, only less literate. Here he is…. on your knees, for he speaks…

Dear Harry,

Here is a review of a movie I saw starring Keanu Reeves (guy from the Matrixes)

Okay, first I got a warning for some of you comic strip wise guys out there. If you like the comic strip this movie is based on, DON’T WATCH THE MOVIE. It’s just not worth it, man. You’re gonna be mad because, according to my sources, in the comic strip the dude is British, and even if he wasn’t British, he wouldn’t be Keanu Reeves. Hey man I’m a purist too sometimes, I understand this. I’d be pissed if they made DIE HARD into a comic strip, but they got John McClane wearing shoes or something. Or playing a guitar. It’s gonna be hard to get past what they did here so forget it man, save your time, save the stress. Go get a massage or something.

But since I don’t read that kind of business, it’s okay with me. I’m allowed to watch CONSTANTINE. For all I know Keanu Reeves actually IS John Constantine, who is (at least in this movie) some self loathing chainsmoking supernaturally gifted freelance exorcist type who finds out he has lung cancer and tries to figure out how the fuck he’s gonna get into Heaven when he tried to kill himself as a teenager. And he uses his connections with angels and knowledge of demons to try to straighten things out.

ConstantineFor me, the movie immediately drew me in as the studio logos rotted away like they were burning in Hell (where they probaly belong) leading into a short and perfectly executed teaser involving a biblical relic showing up in Mexico and causing some trouble. (You know how those magic spears and shit are.) Smoking is a big part of the movie, so we’re introduced to John Constantine’s cigarette before we are to him – hanging out of a car, dropping on the ground, looking cool like cigarettes like to do in movies. When Constantine strolls into an apartment building where there’s a veiny faced girl in serious need of an exorcism, he tries to leave his smoke on the edge of a table while he does the deed, so as not to waste it. (Much later, he’ll snub one out in a pool of his own blood.)

Keanu is real cool in this scene, wearing his film noir tie and wrinkled shirt, looking like he might have a hangover, getting real irritable at this demon for fucking up his afternoon. I think most of us will agree this is a good scene. The trouble comes afterwards, when Keanu starts, you know, talking.

Now honestly, I am gonna do it, I am gonna come down as pro-Keanu in general. I think he is probaly a good guy, he seems to really dedicate himself to his roles, all that kung fu and philosophy and everything, and he takes his time, he doesn’t shit em out like alot of big movie stars do. I mean he’s got an okay track record I guess. Shit, I even enjoyed the Matrix sequels. You hear that, motherfuckers? I liked the Matrixes. In fact, I am gonna go out on a limb and say I think Keanu Reeves is probaly an intelligent dude too, despite appearances. And he’s one HELL of a bass player, in my opinion. (just kidding, I have no idea) Anyway he does a real good job in this role. For Keanu.

But I gotta admit it man, the comic book fundamentalists are probaly right to say that this individual is not the right individual for this particular role. Because you can tell, the guy is supposed to be gritty. Keanu does not have alot of grit in him. Even after all that kung fu, I bet his hands are real soft and smooth. He does not use Boraxo. The dude is 40 years old, looks as pretty as the baby Jesus. In this role he looks real cool, you want to like him, but some of these tough guy lines you can’t really buy coming out of his mouth. He doesn’t always sound like he knows what he’s talking about. So for most people that’s what it’s gonna come down to, you are gonna have to play God while watching this movie. And you are gonna have to decide – God, can you forgive Keanu?

Personally I chose to be more of a merciful, New Testament era God. None of this pillar of salt bullshit. I just went with it, rolled with the punches, like the Lord does. And pretty quick I realized that I was enjoying this movie. Because you have an interesting set of characters like this coughing bastard Constantine, his fat, bald, nervous ally played by Pruitt Taylor Vince, and to a lesser extent his wacky sidekick (the kid from I, ROBOT, playing the same character, and possibly wearing the same hat). And you have this interesting world that combines multi-cultural Los Angeles with a little bit of film noir pulpiness and a whole bunch of angels and demons and magical items.

In addition to the “not wanting to go to Hell” business I mentioned earlier, Constantine gets caught up in some shit involving Rachel Weisz and her dead twin sister who she doesn’t believe committed suicide. For a while I really enjoyed the the thought and imagination put into this world, the little details and the rituals and the depiction of Hell, where you see what might be a traffic jam made out of human skin, I’m not sure. But eventually, maybe two-thirds of the way in you start to think maybe they should stop making up new magic rules. Next thing you know he’s fighting some American Psycho-looking arc-angel, running around with a giant crucifix-crossbow-machine-gun and in one scene he seems to mistakenly think that he is Blade. I’m sorry Keanu Reeves. You are Neo, and that means something. But you are not Blade. Nobody is Blade except for 1. Blade and 2. (arguably) Wesley Snipes. But definitely not you. Sorry bud.

Also, I might be wrong but it seemed to me there was a scene that involved a bath tub inside a bowling alley. How did they find a bath tub in a bowling alley? That was weird. I may have been confused though, because somewhere around this point of the movie I started to get a little lost and a little bored. I’m leaning towards blaming the movie for this, but I would also lay some percentage of the blame on a drunk sitting in the theater, who was performing a running commentary about the nature of reality, how much he hates know-it-alls, etc. Hey, I been there, man.

(I should mention that despite my award winning web sight, highly rated book and undeniable Writing power, I am not a member in good standing of the critical establishment. I do not get to go to critic’s screenings. This was one of those preview screenings they give out free passes for. They are mostly attended by weirdos, and crazy shit usually happens. This time they accidentally started the movie before the radio station interns had introduced it, so the fuckers tried to talk over the opening scene, while playing rock music, and throwing out t-shirts. If they hadn’t been shouted down I swear there would’ve been trivia.)

Anyway between the drunk’s twenty minute key note address and all the excitiment of theater employees spying on him with nightvision goggles, deciding not to do anything, I got a little sidetracked. Next thing you know I wasn’t sure what was going on in the movie, and started to lose interest.

Then, like magic, or something, Peter Stormaare showed up as the silliest devil I seen in a long time, and all the sudden me and CONSTANTINE were best buds again. Even my drunk friend quieted down for a few minutes to see what happened.

So Keanu doesn’t always work, and it gets a little droopy in the middle, but I give this movie points for style and confidence and imagination. Lots of good atmosphere due to strong sound design and cinematography. There are some good scenes where you think damn, I never seen a movie do it quite like that before. I mean it’s a pretty good one, I was surprised.

To be frankly honest I was not planning on seeing this movie at first, and what got me interested is almost embarassing. The director Francis Lawrence, like all other first time directors, is an MTV music video director. Now I don’t watch many videos but one I remember seeing was for Justin Timberlake, that curly haired white kid who they tried to turn into Michael Jackson. He’s just some pretty boy pop star but he had this creepy, fucked up video where he was stalking a Britney Spears lookalike. He sneaks into her house, dances around in her hallways, and keeps moving out of the way just in time to stay out of her line of vision. He watches her when she’s in the shower! Not like Revenge of the Nerds “ha ha ha” style but “oh jesus this guy’s a sicko” style. He videotapes himself making out with a woman on her bed, leaves the tape in her VCR. First time I saw it, I honestly thought he was gonna start sniffing her panties when she was out of the room. Maybe jerk off into her shoes or something, I mean who knows.

The best part was MTV shows this fucked up stalker video on their countdown show, then they say, “hooray, that was Justin Timberlake” and nobody ever says, “What the fuck was that? Was he just going through her garbage?” I mean don’t you think Britney Spears saw that video? I figure the guy who made this video, either he’s a little brilliant, or he’s a weirdo pervert freak. Either way, he directed CONSTANTINE, so I saw it.

I’m not gonna say he’s with Dave Fincher, Spike Jonze and Michel Gondry in the land of MTV directors turned filmatic geniuses, but I do think he’s closer to their category than that other, larger group. He’s definitely got some sense of creativity and artistic vision and hopefully he’ll go somewhere. We got our eyes on you, pervert. Don’t fuck it up.

Anyway thanks again Harry get well soon,

Your friend,


Originally posted at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/19427

View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 8:26 a.m. CST

    Sounds good. I am so there opening night.

    by FluffyUnbound

    OK, not really. I just said that to tease Coffee Enema a little.

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 8:44 a.m. CST

    “…first time director…” Uh-oh, I’m having Pitof flashbacks!

    by FrankDrebin

    Can the failure of so many comic adaptations be as simple as the studios having given them to novice directors? Singer and Raimi had some experience. On the other hand, Ang Lee…

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 8:59 a.m. CST

    Digital Bits says there’s a 3-disc Bill & Ted box in the works

    by FrankDrebin

    Whatever happened to William Sadler, anyway?

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 9:07 a.m. CST

    What a load of crap Harry..

    by Sith42

    How about the review I sent in as a long time fan of the comic?

    Here it is..


  • Feb. 16, 2005, 9:44 a.m. CST

    Spellchecker and homonyms

    by I Speak Jive


  • Feb. 16, 2005, 10:19 a.m. CST

    I saw this last night…

    by K0NY

    Spin Magazine screening in manhattan. I’ve never read the comic, but enjoyed the movie quite a bit. The excellent execution of incredible effects shots and awesome atmosphere more than make up for Keanu’s acting shortcomines. Just my opinion.

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 10:56 a.m. CST

    You guys need to respect Vern – he’s been around the block

    by WeedyMcSmokey

    And I heard he’s killed men with their own cutlery during dessert.

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 11:07 a.m. CST

    Pitof is not a first time director

    by Jarek

    He made Vidocq, which was actually pretty cool.

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 11:15 a.m. CST

    I’ll have to check out that award winning web “sight”

    by I Dunno

    That was a rough one to get through.

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 11:15 a.m. CST


    by Purgatori

    So, did he like the movie? That has to be one of the most confusing reviews I’ve ever read. He somehow managed to tell me a lot about the movie and yet not a thing. Amazing.

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 11:46 a.m. CST

    To complain about Vern’s spelling is to complain about Picasso’s

    by eraser_x

    Vern is, by far, the best movie reviewer of all time. He is the only one who has it all: great style, great insight, great insight that is not hidden/lost among tedious crap, a minimum of pomposity, no more than a healthy (winking) amount of self-absorption, good taste, and non-wussiness.

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 11:47 a.m. CST

    Do not dis the Vern

    by Atropos

    Vern knows perfectly well that it’s spelt site. He just does it to catch out idiot nitpickers. The weird thing is, even though he’s done it for like several years now, it still never bloody fails.

    He also includes factual errors that he knows are errors. It’s part of his style, and it serves to differentiate him from your average fan-boy internet reviewer. I suggest all you Vern-haters pick up his book, and shut the fuck up. BTW Vern, are you ever going to publish your columns? Those things are even funnier than your reviews, man.

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 11:52 a.m. CST

    Further proof…

    by Childe Roland

    …that Keanu Reeves is a man who has altered the standards of acting in Hollywood: “Now honestly, I am gonna do it, I am gonna come down as pro-Keanu in general. I think he is probaly a good guy, he seems to really dedicate himself to his roles, all that kung fu and philosophy and everything, and he takes his time, he doesn’t shit em out like alot of big movie stars do. I mean he’s got an okay track record I guess. Shit, I even enjoyed the Matrix sequels. You hear that, motherfuckers? I liked the Matrixes. In fact, I am gonna go out on a limb and say I think Keanu Reeves is probaly an intelligent dude too, despite appearances. And he’s one HELL of a bass player, in my opinion. (just kidding, I have no idea) Anyway he does a real good job in this role. For Keanu.” So this movie was yet another entrant in the Special Olympics that are Keanu’s film career and he was at the top of his always amusingly feeble game, then? Fine. Saves me $8.50. I am humored by the fact that the reviewer couldn’t even get all the way through a Keanu compliment without qualifying it. “You know, for Carrot Top, he did a pretty good 1-800-COLLECT commercial.”

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 11:56 a.m. CST


    by Archive

    why don’t you have a TV show?

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 12:02 p.m. CST

    huh? ok I know it’s bad that I’m not a fan but

    by Demosthenes2

    going to hell because of a suicide attempt? The hell kind of God is that? There are far worse things, at least he wasn’t trying to hurt anyone else.

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 12:13 p.m. CST


    by atomheartbrother

    i’ve said it once and i will say it again: “constantine” has absolutely no narrative flow and built up to absolutely nothing, almost as if it was a series of music videos instead of one cohesive work. also, all the gunplay is stupefyingly retarded (naturally because they dumbed it down for the mass American audience).

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 1:02 p.m. CST

    You forgot about the cavity search!

    by Hjermsted

    Before the film’s screening. I felt like I was about to get on an airplane rather than take in a free screening. I reckon film bootleggers will be shipped off to Guantanamo Bay next. Something always seems to go wrong with screenings at this place as if the projectionist in the booth is listening to his iPod and not giving a shit about the sound cues coming from the event’s hosts. Not that I care… I haven’t ever listened to the radio station that was sponsoring this screening and don’t plan to. But trying to hype your station while the film has started behind you on the screen was truly LAME. -mattro

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 1:03 p.m. CST

    If they had to go with an American…

    by Immortal_Fish

    …why not Dennis Leary? And are web sights on the internets?

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 1:13 p.m. CST


    by Vern

    It was even worse when they screened that horrible remake of Texas Chain Saw Massacre, cause the line for the bag-search blocked the top of the escalator, so about 150 risked death just so there wouldn’t be one more shitty bootleg of that horrible god damn piece of worthless garbage 2 days before it came out in theaters. Then they started the movie on time, while 2/3 of the audience was still waiting to be searched. A few minutes later they wised up and stopped it, but of course when everyone was settled they started it from where they had stopped, to much confusion and yelling. I would tend to not blame the projectionist, but the radio stations, since those people are clearly annoying and awful. Another good one was a Dawn of the Dead remake screening at another theater, where some poor schmuck tried to ask trivia questions about “KUBE Summer Jam” and was shouted down by hundreds of zombie fans. I thought he was gonna get chased out of the building crying.

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 1:17 p.m. CST

    As for the rest of you motherfuckers

    by Vern

    It’s good to see that I’m back in the bad graces of the talkbackers. I thought I was losing my touch there for a while. If you didn’t understand “did he like it or not?” then I don’t know what to tell you man, I’m not gonna draw you a fucking diagram. I said it was “surprisingly good” and mentioned specific good and bad aspects. If you just want me to say “I give it two and a half bowties!” then you’re dealing with the wrong dude so go somewhere else. For more information buy my book http://www.lulu.com/outlawvern, it will explain everything just like Dianetics

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 1:32 p.m. CST

    I Suspect a Plant… and it ain’t Robert

    by odysseus

    Couldn’t you tell right away?: “Here is a review of a movie I saw starring Keanu Reeves (guy from the Matrixes).” As if he didn’t know (and didn’t know that we knew).

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 1:43 p.m. CST

    That settles it. I’m seeing Constantine in spite of what angry n

    by Blacklist

    Most every reviewer I trust on the internet seems to have liked it so far, and most seem pretty surprised by how good it turned out. Dread Central, Arrow, IGN, and some AICN vets like Vern, to name a few, really got into it. The only negative buzz I’ve heard is from people who would probably have hated it no matter what. Nerds that would still hate Episode 3 if it turned out good. Or just people pissed at the Matrix sequels. Haven’t you people ever wanted to be surprized by a movie you thought was going to be just another mess? (Nerds: But Constantine is a mess! Fuck Constantine!) I mean, at least hate on something with a much weaker chance of being redeemable, like Son of the Mask. Or zombie-fodder like Hitch.

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 2:04 p.m. CST

    People should at least give it a chance

    by andrew coleman

    I plan to see it, will be like the comics? No but will it be fun or well written? Will see. Will it better than crap movies like Boogeyman, Hitch and Son of the Mask? YES so stop bitching until you see it

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 2:53 p.m. CST

    Hey Vern, it’s “Web Site”, not “SIGHT”!

    by AttorneyFrog

    …and you kind of sound like a plant. I mean, hey, you like Keanu? Really?

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 3:04 p.m. CST

    One reason I won’t go to this movie

    by Orionsangels


  • Feb. 16, 2005, 3:48 p.m. CST

    I Saw It. It was OK. Unanswered Questions.

    by Mon-El

    I was at the sneak preview last night in Houston. I thought it was OK, good effects and acting. (FYI: I used to be a comic book reader/collector, but I stopped about the same time that Hellblazer was first published — I was aware of the comic, but have never read it). Anyway, after watching, my wife and I started to discuss it and were left with a lot of questions such as (****POSSIBLE SPOILERS***): Why did being electrocuted in the chair show him info about the spear — instead of sending him to hell? How did he meet Chas, and did Chas have any special powers? (Also, I like Shia LeBouf — I wish they had developed his character more) Why did his friend at the bowling alley get killed, when everyone else committed suicide? What’s up with the tatoos on the forearms? What was that he wrapped around his hand and lit on fire to destroy the demons on the street? What exactly was the fat priest’s powers? Why did Constantine have countless water bottles in his home (Holy Water, I guess?)? (*** END POSSIBLE SPOILERS ***) I also felt that the whole movie was a little too restrained. It started out very strong in the first 15 minutes. And I wish the climax had been a little more triumphant/exciting. It played out pretty much as I expected.

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 3:48 p.m. CST

    Vern, my man, CONSTANTINE is based on the HELLBLAZER comic book

    by SpyGuy

    Beware any CONSTANTINE reviewer that attempts to reference the source material as a “comic strip.” Comic strips are found in the Comics section of your friendly neighborhood daily newspaper. Comic BOOKS, meanwhile, are…well…book-shaped. (Although, they probably should be called comic MAGAZINES, as in the case of the “World’s Greatest Comic Magazine” cover blurb on issues of FANTASTIC FOUR.) Okay, geekfest over. Nothing to see here, people…move along…

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 4:01 p.m. CST

    On the subject of plants

    by Vern

    I know every review on here is accused of being a plant, and I think I’ve spotted some myself. But I just want to say, shame on you motherfuckers calling me a plant. If you knew anything about me (like if you read my countless other reviews on this sight or the hundreds on my own or read my columns or my book) you would know I don’t play that shit. First of all, no studio ever has or ever will bother with trying to pay me off. They are stupid with their money but they are not that kind of stupid. But secondly, I wouldn’t do it anyway. I am on the clean path and I don’t believe in doing stupid shit for money. (except selling my life story to hollywood, but that’s different.) I would like to think I would never compromise my integrity and I know for sure if I did it wouldn’t be for some nothing movie like this. Also, you would think I would at least write a glowing review of the thing and not a half-assed one where I start out by telling a large percentage of the audience to not see the movie and then admit that the main character is miscast and that I got bored in the middle of the movie. I mean come on people lets use Mr. Common Sense here before we start casting aspersions on somebody, especially when that somebody is ol’ Vern.

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 4:06 p.m. CST

    Unanswered questions

    by Vern

    I agree with some of that stuff Mon-El. Like the crossbow thing, I liked the part where he was building it but afterwards it seemed kind of dumb. Some of the magical stuff seemed like they were pulling it out of their ass. But on the other hand, alot of that stuff you mentioned is what I liked about the movie. I liked that they didn’t do too much of the standard explaining of everything. You and I both figured out the bottles were holy water (so did the teenage girl narrating the movie in the row behind me) so thank the Lord they didn’t still point it out to us. I like that they made this world and then just said, deal with it boys, we’re not gonna spell everything out for you. That was part of what made the movie smart. But you’re right, some of it was a little garbled. It’s a pretty good movie, not a really good one.

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 4:28 p.m. CST

    Your use of the English language…

    by AttorneyFrog

    … you keep stating “sight” when you mean “site” — “sight” equals the bodily sense of vision, and “site” equals a location, place, as in “website”.

    I do not think you’re a plant, but are you sure you’re a writer?

    All the best, my man.

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 5:04 p.m. CST

    attorney frog and the rest of you insiteful gentlemen

    by Stan the Bat

    Can you usually tell when someone is putting you on? When you get all teacherly to correct someone who was putting you on, it usually makes you look less, rather than more, clever. A FURTHER HINT: think about it really carefully before writing back to say “that’s not how you spell ‘insightful'”.

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 5:20 p.m. CST

    I saw it last wednesday…

    by iamnicksaicnsn

    and i thought it was crazy fun. Everything about it was just an enjoyable movie. It wasn’t genius, but it’s not supposed to be. It was just a kick-ass, take-no-hostages, action movie, with cool special effects, and some actually funny dark humor. I saw it at a screening at UC Berkeley, and the crowd started out really wild, yelling and whooping a lot, with the girls screaming when they saw Keanu (and some guys doing it too), so I expected I wouldn’t be able to hear much over all their noise. About 10 minutes into the movie, they didn’t make an inappropriate, mood-killing noise the whole time, and jumped and laughed at all the scary parts and jokes respectively. At the end, everyone screamed and applauded, and seemed to have had a good time, and I personally think that says a lot about how enjoyable this movie is. Of course, I’ve never read the comics, so I can’t compare, but even my friend who had said that even though Keanu was totally wrong for it, it was still a kick-ass movie.

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 5:23 p.m. CST

    lol, “the drunk’s twenty minute key note address…”

    by underscore_only

    hee . . .jerk off into her shoes, nice.

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 5:38 p.m. CST

    Pointing out someones shortcomings… what’s really your point?

    by Kampbell-Kid

    Perception is reality. I can understand the many blind followers of this existance who choose to follow a single grammar outline to judge against all others has being logical and simple. However, coming to this site for years I’ve seen Harry & Mori etc typo many times without mostly a single person making a comment about it sometimes. Yet when some outside reviewer comes in with some info it seems time to turn on the spiteful jealousy act and try to tear ’em down over silly petty trite issues… for example “grammar”. Do I care if they spelled a word wrong? No. Did I have the mere intelligence to understand and assume what they meant the first time? Yes, but most don’t and have to think about it first before realizing “Oh my.. he’s wrong and I think I’ll go point it out in a demeaning fashion so I can feel that little rush of superiority.” I didn’t feel the compulsive need to go out of my way wasting precious keystrokes pointing out someones grammar shortcomings based on what some pompus ass many years ago thought should be the “English Standard” to be judged by. However, I do like to note who ARE really the wastes of conception in this world that I do feel ARE under my shoes. ^.~ It was noted well in the film Clerks… does pointing out someones shortcomings make you feel better? Give you that superior feeling over someone that you lack and can’t achieve in real life (without being under any current FDA approved anti-depressants).

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 6:33 p.m. CST

    i saw it last nite

    by babydave

    i went to a manhattan screening last nite with a friend. i read adult comics and am familiar with “hellblazer” but have never read it. i think verns review was right on target. its a good film. i think its definitely better than most films adapted from comics. and i usually HATE HATE HATE keanu reeves. he is a crappy actor. the trick to him being in a movie and making it work is that he really cant have a lot to say and when he does, it should be big easy emotional strokes of acting (anything nuanced and hes lost). his supporting cast acts like theyre in a REAL movie instead of a big dumb horror/action flick. tilda swinton is marvelous as are rachel weisz and djimon hounsou. the film, though the storyline does get a tad confused, looks gorgeous (ah those angel wings!). i think the critcs and the box office will love “constantine” and i wanna see the sequel already. ALSO, if you see it, make sure you stay until after the credits for the epilogue. very cool.

  • Feb. 16, 2005, 9:10 p.m. CST

    Ha ha…

    by Anlashok

    Good review vern!

  • Feb. 17, 2005, 12:32 a.m. CST

    Just the site of this grating websight keeps me up at nite, all

    by Hung-Wei Lo

    I am usually a stickler for spelling too, but if I can understand what this writer has to say, then who gives a flying flock? You want spell-checked and grammatically correct sentences, go read your published movie websites. You want a review that involves opinionated curse words and references to female genitalia, go here to AICN. It’s really that simple. If you want this site changed for “the better”, figure out what that is and instead of complaining in the talkbacks about it, send it directly to the person in question. Thank you for shopping at our fine establishment, we really appreciate your business, and we hope to see you again…in fucking hell.

  • Feb. 17, 2005, 4:27 a.m. CST

    Coffee Enema

    by Vern

    Buddy, I think you need to chill out. I don’t think it’s fair to call me an idiot just because I kind of liked a movie that you don’t think you will like in the future when you see it to prove that you did not like it like you thought you wouldn’t. But that’s okay, I understand that you aren’t upset at me, you are upset due to comic book issues, that they made John Constantine American, Keanu, etc. That’s exactly what I tried to warn you in the first god damn paragraph of the review. I tried to reach out to you and help you out but you don’t even know how to accept that from somebody. You need to just cool out and learn about human relationships, not being a belligerent asshole over the internet to random strangers who never did anything to you, etc. But it’s gonna be cool man, no hard feelings, let’s just be friends for now on. I got your back bud don’t you worry about it. your friend, Vern

  • Feb. 17, 2005, 10:09 a.m. CST

    johnny mnemonic, mr. anderson, john constantine

    by Hud

    WTF? There’s some kind of ideal white shirt/black suit character Hollywood has in mind for Keanu Reeves. And they still haven’t quite nailed it. Was it one of the Men in Black? Blues Brother? Why don’t they just remake the Man in the Grey Flannel suit and cast Keanu in a black suit and get it out of their system? ‘Cause whatever they got in mind, it’s been 5 movies, and it ain’t working worth a damn.

  • Feb. 17, 2005, 11:42 a.m. CST

    Your Mother Smells

    by ILoveEwksAndJJar

    They had an MTV special preview of this movie, but I skipped watching it. There was cool footage and everything–but c’mon, MTV sucks.

  • Feb. 17, 2005, 6:44 p.m. CST

    Video directors as film directors?

    by HanFiredFirst

    I’ve heard it’s because H’wood just has a tough time finding qualified directors, or maybe they don’t want to pay for well known guys and so figure they can get a video or commercial director cheaper — it’s a career move. On the one hand you get idiots like Pitof, but on the other hand you have genii like Michel Gondrey and Spike Jonze. Maybe starting out as a video director and building a good-looking sample reel of videos is becoming the way young upstarts get themselves noticed and get into film work. Problem is, it’s one thing to make a really great looking 3 minute video that the company poured tons of money into versus making a 90 or 120 minute film and trying to keep the same level of quality. Using the same epilectic-on-a-rollercoaster editing as used in a video is usually a recipe for audience queesyness.

  • Feb. 17, 2005, 11:46 p.m. CST

    Damn, but Vern’s reviews are fun to read.

    by raw_bean

    Never fails to make me chuckle. —– Starting to look forward to seeing this.

  • Feb. 18, 2005, midnight CST

    Thanks, Vern

    by Ribbons

    Funny, funny stuff. I always enjoy reading your reviews. By the way, Coffee Enema, I could give two shits that Alan Moore doesn’t prefer this film. I know people like you tend to think he’s the biggest genius this side of Einstein, but I managed to enjoy ‘From Hell’ without his endorsement as well.

  • Feb. 18, 2005, 12:03 a.m. CST

    And just so we’re straight

    by Ribbons

    I LIKE Alan Moore. Arguably one of the very best comic book writers ever, and his characters have gotten the shaft quite a few times in Hollywood, but that doesn’t mean their films are completely without merit (except for ‘The League of Extradordinary Gentlemen,’ which sucked harder than a vacuum).

  • Feb. 18, 2005, 1:14 a.m. CST

    Constantine 47% on rottentomatoes. . . Son of the Mask 0%

    by truthseekr1488

    I really want Constantine to be good, though. And doesn’t EVERYBODY know it’s “site”?

  • Feb. 18, 2005, 1:19 a.m. CST

    Omigod what just happened to the talkback!!!?? It’s, like, UPfre

    by truthseekr1488

  • Feb. 18, 2005, 5 a.m. CST

    That review was hilarious but this talkback is funnier.

    by logofdoom

    Issues! you people have’m. I am always amazed at the venom and petty bitching. “It’s a comic “book” not a comic “strip”, kill yourself you stupid shit!” or “you spelled site wrong fuckwad! burn in hell!” (I’m paraphrasing) Dam, yoo guys sleigh me.

  • Feb. 18, 2005, 9:08 a.m. CST

    don’t waste your money

    by runlola

    saw this last night. it was not good. the story line didn’t make sense, there was too much that wasn’t explained (maybe it was in the comics, but like most people, i haven’t read them), the demons looked like gullom (spelling?) from lotr, and the whole movie felt really long, even though it wasn’t. unless you really really want to see the movie, just download it and save your money for something worth paying for.

  • Feb. 18, 2005, 1:12 p.m. CST


    by Vern

    So that’s a “no” then I guess. Oh well. You try to be nice to a dude and this is what you get. To be honest I really wasn’t looking forward to being friends with you anyway. Don’t worry though bud, life only gets better and I’m sure things will turn around for you eventually and you will learn how to have redeeming qualities. There is always a second chance for everybody, if star trek taught us anything it’s that. The jedi code. thanks asshole. I mean bud.

  • Feb. 18, 2005, 4:11 p.m. CST

    We’re with you Vern, hang in there!

    by truthseekr1488

    Don’t let a few a-holes bring down your energy level. _We_ know your whole sight/site thing is a running gag, a personal trademark if you will. We really do appreciate you.

  • March 1, 2005, 5:39 a.m. CST

    Vern vs. Coffee Enema

    by Atropos

    Quote: “There is always a second chance for everybody, if star trek taught us anything it’s that. The jedi code. thanks asshole. I mean bud.”

    See, Coffee Enema, you got slapped. Now DON’T compound the problem by going after Vern’s apparent lack of understanding about Star Trek/Star Wars.


    I can’t believe this still works on you people.

    That said, once upon a time when I first found Vern’s sight, I too e-mailed him a friendly spelling reminder. So I too am an asshole. But I like to think I made up for it by buying his book. You should too.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 16th, 2005 at 8:18 am and is filed under Action, AICN, Comic strips/Super heroes, Horror, Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

3 Responses to “Vern snuggles with CONSTANTINE!”

  1. Vern – You might want to watch what you write. I think you gave someone an idea.

    I’m too computer retarded to do links, but read the first paragraph of this review and then Google “Die Hard: Year One”.

    On the plus side you have proof that a Die Hard comic was your idea, so you may have legal rights to stop it if you desire. Or not, I’m not a lawyer.

  2. Is McClane playing a guitar in the comic like I worried? I hope not. But if it is successful maybe they will do spin-offs about other characters like Karl and Argyle. We need to find out what makes them tick.

  3. CONSTANTINE I sorta like, even if its a mess (from too much editing and post-production tinkering) and well its too sterilized Americanized of the terrific comic book character for my taste. Again like way too many would-be blockbusters these days, why the fuck must it be so damn convoluted?

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