There’s Something in the Barn / A Christmas Tale (2005)
THERE’S SOMETHING IN THE BARN is a 2023 horror comedy that I watched because it was one of the very few Christmas movies on Shudder that I hadn’t seen yet. It’s pretty middle-of-the-road, but definitely watchable, kept me entertained, gave me a few laughs.
Martin Starr (XTRO 3: WATCH THE SKIES) stars as Bill Nordheim, an enthusiastic American dork who moves his family to Gudbrandsdalen, Norway when he inherits a house from his uncle. One thing he doesn’t mention to the family is that the uncle died mysteriously while trying to burn down the barn. And one thing he doesn’t know himself is that the uncle was trying to burn down the barn to exterminate a dangerous barn elf (Kiran Shah, LEGEND). (read the rest of this shit…)
Avatar: Fire and Ash
I’m not gonna waste your time pretending you need my opinion whether to see AVATAR: FIRE AND ASH or not. If you don’t like these movies, no, don’t bother. If you do, obviously you’re gonna see it, it’s a new AVATAR! A new James Cameron! You’re not a heathen. And he’s still pretty much undefeated. The streak continues.
If I were to offer viewing advice it would be to avoid HFR (high frame rate) projection at all costs. I recklessly decided to see it at my favorite theater (SIFF downtown, f.k.a. Cinerama) despite my hatred for that format, and as soon as it started my heart just sank. When projected in this format, what seems like the majority of the movie is presented with the ugly screen saver sheen of 60-frames-per-second, but it repeatedly switches back to aesthetically pleasing 24 fps and if you’re like me you sigh with relief until it goes back and then you start grumbling to yourself again. It felt like I spent the whole 197 minutes fighting over the remote control with some guy who wants the motion smoothing on, so my level of concentration was not ideal for maybe the first 45 minutes. I was so taken out of the movie that a James Cameron directed air battle dropped dead in front of me like some Stephen Sommers clatter. Should be illegal. I’m never doing HFR again. (read the rest of this shit…)
Trancers
Would you believe I never saw a TRANCERS movie before now? And I’ve still only seen one. But when Dreadguacamole recently mentioned in a comment that it “goes pretty full-in on its christmas cheer” I decided that would be a good one to watch right now. Thanks for the tip. It’s a good balance – not a movie about Christmas that would feel weird to watch in some other time of year, but enough decorations here and there to make it kind of cool to watch when it’s seasonal.
I was aware that TRANCERS (1984) was directed by Charles Band (PARASITE), and that it reunited him with METALSTORM: THE DESTRUCTION OF JARED-SYN’s Tim Thomerson (UNCOMMON VALOR), now playing a character called “Jack Deth.” And that’s really all I knew. I’m filling in some blindspots here. Trying to become more cultured.
Turns out it’s a time travel movie and a zombie movie and a couple other things. It starts in 23rd century Angel City (FKA Los Angeles) and it immediately reminded me of some weird ‘80s comic book, because it has that era’s fascination with futuristic worlds where men try to seem like they’re out of some old detective novel. Not like BLADE RUNNER – it knows it’s cheaper, pulpier, not all gloomy and shit. But you got trenchcoats, a mix of futuristic and retro cars, a neon-ed out ‘50s style diner called Mom’s No. 3., and Jack’s big ears and enormous shoulder pads make him look more caricature than man (read the rest of this shit…)
Influencers
A couple years ago I really liked this horror-thriller I saw on Shudder called INFLUENCER. Yes, I agree with you that movies, and especially horror, are a little too fascinated with social media influencers right now, but I swear this is a good one. Madison (Emily Tennant, SNIPER: ASSASSIN’S END) makes a very good living traveling to exotic places and posting about her adventurous lifestyle, but we see that at least at this time it’s kind of a front. She’s actually depressed and mostly staying alone at a resort in Bangkok, sad that her boyfriend didn’t come.
Then she meets CW, played by Cassandra Naud (IT’S A WONDERFUL KNIFE), an American expat who has lived there for a while and shows her a good time. Unfortunately for Madison, fortunately for cinema, CW turns out to be a psycho with a resentment toward influencers and the computer skills to really do a number on their lives. I like that the influencer is somehow sympathetic but the villain is still fun. It’s kind of a modern take on ‘90s thrillers like SINGLE WHITE FEMALE, BASIC INSTINCT and THE NET, but also kind of a noir because it mostly follows CW as she gets deeper and deeper into her lies and tries to navigate a smooth exit. (read the rest of this shit…)
Silent Night, Deadly Night (2025)
SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (2025) is not a great remake, but it’s a fun one, a solid one, mostly because it’s a playful one. The first couple scenes seem like a pretty straight forward update of the 1984 original – there are some funny additions, but it’s young Billy Chapman (Logan Sawyer, “Kid #1,” FOLLOWING YONDER STAR) visiting his grandpa (Darren Felbel, ALWAYS AND FOREVER CHRISTMAS, OUR CHRISTMAS LOVE SONG) and getting freaked out by an outburst about Santa punishing the naughty, then witnessing the murder of his parents by a man in a Santa costume. So I figured it was gonna mostly follow the original, but that’s not the case at all. Writer/director Mike P. Nelson (WRONG TURN [2021], Angry Orchard and the Jason Un1v3rse present SWEET REVENGE) understands that not much is sacred about SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT. You mostly just gotta have a Killer Santa. So Nelson plays around with our assumptions of what’s going on, and takes us for a fun ride.
First, a time jump to adult Billy (Rohan Campbell, a.k.a. Corey Cunningham from HALLOWEEN ENDS!) in a hotel having a bad time. You know, it’s that type of time jump where you start the movie with the traumatic past event and then you cut to the present with the person waking up from a nightmare. It tells us the first part was exactly what really happened but also the dream he just had, and even though we have had dreams before and know for sure that’s not how they work we still accept it because movies are magic and besides, it’s Christmas. Have a heart. (read the rest of this shit…)
Fuck My Son!
FUCK MY SON! is a movie that, for the foreseeable future, you’re only gonna see if it comes to your town as part of a road show. Writer/director Todd Rohal (THE GUATEMALAN HANDSHAKE, THE CATECHISM CATACLYSM) is traveling around with a 35mm print that hit Seattle last weekend and has many more stops lined up.
Rohal says he plans to do that for at least a year, and that he’ll never license it to streaming, though eventually it will come to physical media. But it’s the kind of thing that if you’re gonna have a great time it’s probly gonna be in a midnight movie (for me 8pm) type scenario laughing, cringing and groaning together with other area weirdos. Did I mention it’s called FUCK MY SON!?
It’s based on a comic book by Johnny Ryan (Looney Tunes Cartoons, Who Raped My Horse?), and this screening started with a puppet show based on another Ryan comic, followed by a discussion between Ryan and fellow alternative comix legend Peter Bagge. The former was grossed out by the fake poop left on the ground by the puppeteers and made Rohal clean it up. (read the rest of this shit…)
The Catechism Cataclysm
THE CATECHISM CATACLYSM (2011) is weirdly-titled Todd Rohal comedy #2, and truly the only thing I knew about it was that the OCN partner label Factory 25 gave it a special edition blu-ray a few years ago and some people seemed to think it was some type of cult classic. I feel pretty ignorant now because it turns out it’s a Seattle production and I even know a couple people in the credits. I had no idea.
I also didn’t know that it’s a two-hander with two actors I like who I’ve never seen in lead roles like this before. Steve Little, who I know as Kenny Powers’ sycophantic sidekick Stevie Janowski on Eastbound & Down, plays a very similar character here, except that he has somehow become a priest. Father Billy causes concern with the elders when they overhear him telling a long story to his Bible study group and admitting it’s not biblical, not allegorical, just some crazy shit he read on the internet. “It was more of a joke story,” he explains when asked how it pertains to their discussion of Deuteronomy. He’s also into heavy metal, calls everybody “dude,” and doesn’t know how to modulate in front of people who expect him to behave like a grown adult and/or clergyman. (read the rest of this shit…)
The Guatemalan Handshake
Recently I got invited to see this new movie called FUCK MY SON!. It’s a disgusting x-rated comedy based on a Johnny Ryan comic, meant as a theatrical experience, they’re road-showing a 35mm print around and it was in Seattle on Friday and Saturday. Beforehand I looked at writer/director Todd Rohal’s filmography and noticed two titles I’d been vaguely aware of for many years. I really had no idea what they were about, just that somebody some time told me they were good. I decided to watch those and review them before the new one, so today we’ll be discussing Rohal’s 2006 debut THE GUATEMALAN HANDSHAKE. It’s the very definition of a “not for everyone” movie, though in an entirely different way than FUCK MY SON!. But I liked it, so I’ll tell you about it in case you’re not everyone.
There is a Guatemalan character in the movie, but I couldn’t tell you what the title means. Other aspects I could describe but not explain. It’s a very odd, absurd but dry comedy (arguably dramedy?) about a group of interconnected characters going on with life after the simultaneous disappearances of a guy named Donald (Will Oldham, WENDY AND LUCY, JACKASS 3D, THE BIKERIDERS), his dad’s goofy electric car, and an old lady’s dog. (read the rest of this shit…)
Christmas Eve in Miller’s Point
CHRISTMAS EVE IN MILLER’S POINT is a movie that I heard about last Christmas but it wasn’t on video yet. Some people were really flipping for it and that’s really all I knew about it, so I checked it out when I saw it was on blu-ray this week.
I think what they were responding to is that it’s very old school in many ways: beautiful cinematography, big ensemble cast of mostly unfamiliar faces who seem very natural, an emphasis on characters and moments over any sort of plot, a shockingly low amount of conflict. It’s about a huge family get-together and involves multiple age groups but the movie it most reminds me of is AMERICAN GRAFFITI. Probly not coincidentally the cast features a couple children of George Lucas’s friends (Francesca Scorsese and Sawyer Spielberg).
Of course, that led to a horrifying realization that AMERICAN GRAFFITI was set 11 years before the time of its release, while this is set sometime in the aughts, so it’s more like 20 years ago, but doesn’t seem like it. The biggest differences are flip phones and one family still has a station wagon with faux-wood paneling. It kinda feels timeless though because the music is much older and the fashions aren’t very aggressive. It could almost be five years ago, or thirty, or forty. (read the rest of this shit…)
Good Boy
GOOD BOY is a 2025 indie horror movie with a high-difficulty gimmick: the main character is a dog. Played by a dog. I’ve heard it said that it’s in the point-of-view of the dog, but that’s not the case literally (because the camera is usually on the dog’s face) or narratively (because I’ll be damned if I knew what the dog’s thoughts were on all this). But as human events play out nearby the camera is always paying more attention to this dog named Indy (played by director Ben Leonberg’s dog Indy), and that does feel fresh.
It really seems like Leonberg and co-writer Alex Cannon built the story around what they could get Indy to do, so in that sense it’s a star vehicle just like they used to make for martial artists. Of course, they filmed the dog for three years trying to get his performance right. Most kickboxing champions didn’t have that luxury. (read the rest of this shit…)
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