"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996) – 30th anniversary revisit

August 23, 1996

I don’t remember knowing anybody else like this, but I loved THE ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU at the time. It was a big summer movie, hugely expensive by New Line Cinema standards, but it was sci-fi horror, and rampant with outstanding Stan Winston makeup effects. It had more of Fairuza Balk fresh off of THE CRAFT, but this time she grows cat fangs. I knew that Ron Perlman (CRONOS, THE CITY OF LOST CHILDREN) was under the makeup of the goat man called “The Sayer of the Law,” and Mark Dacascos (CRYING FREEMAN) was the leopard man Lo-Mai, but I didn’t know who Temuera Morrison (BARB WIRE) was yet so I didn’t know it was motherfuckin Jango Fett as the dogman Azazello. A great character I’ll come back to in a bit.

The crucial thing about the movie is that it was defiantly, extravagantly weird. Watching it now I realize how much of it tonally and texturally reminds me of NIGHTBREED, but since it starred two big time movie stars it wasn’t marketed as weirdo shit. It was marketed toward a mainstream crowd, and they didn’t like it. Nor did any of the other crowds. But sometimes you gotta stay away from crowds.

There are many possible criticisms of the movie, a few I might even agree with, but the popular one that to this day infuriates me is the claim that Marlon Brando is bad in it as Dr. Moreau. Unsurprisingly he won the Razzie and Stinkers Bad Movie Awards for Worst Supporting Actor, so for the record that’s the company you keep if you hate this performance. The way they talked about it at the time it seemed like it wasn’t a performance, it was documentary footage of Marlon Brando misbehaving. Why is he on set wearing white makeup and a weird hat, riding a popemobile, making weird speeches, playing a piano duet with a little mutant pal? How unprofessional! He was supposed to be the normal version of this character. Why did he do it unlike anything we’ve ever seen? Why must he be so captivating and bizarre and hilarious? What an embarrassing bungle, that they accidentally did this. I want to talk to the manager. I’m calling the cops. I’m going to sue.

Gary Thompson in Philadelphia Daily News: “with comical dialogue that can only have been meant to elicit laughter.” Oh, you think so? You think so? (read the rest of this shit…)

September 11th, 2026 | 28 Comments »

Solo (1996)

August 23, 1996

SOLO is a sci-fi action movie starring Mario Van Peebles (EXTERMINATOR 2, DELIVERY BOYS, RAPPIN’, JAWS: THE REVENGE, POSSE, FULL ECLIPSE, GUNMEN, HIGHLANDER III, PANTHER) as an android super soldier. General Clyde Haynes (Barry Corbin, MY SCIENCE PROJECT) explains the idea upfront: “He’s proficient at all types of combat. He has no family, no friends, not even a Social Security number. If he’s wounded beyond repair, we throw him away. No guilt, no worries, no medical benefits. No one will cry when Solo is gone. We’ll simply build another one.” (Personally I think it’s rude that he says that right in front of him.)

One issue with this two billion dollar program comes out in the first mission we see, an attack on an airstrip being built for rebels in an unnamed South American country. (No, not Val Varde, I think I would recognize it.) When Solo sees that civilians are being forced to build the airstrip it clearly upsets him, and he overrides his commands to avoid blowing them up. (Also he takes home a tarantula as a pet.) There’s a great part where the humans detonating the bombs on the outskirts have given up on Solo and abandoned him, then there’s a thunk on their helicopter and he’s hanging from the bottom.

Afterwards his creator (?), the young hotshot scientist Dr. Bill Stewart (twentysomething Adrien Brody!) can sense his trepidation, and is impressed that a program somehow has emotions. (Disclaimer that I feel like I need to include in every other sci-fi review now: this is a completely not real sci-fi concept that has poetic meaning in fictional stories, but if someone today is telling you it will really happen they are a scammer, a mark, or a kook, in my opinion.)

The General and especially his asshole colonel Frank Madden (William Sadler, BILL & TED’S BOGUS JOURNEY) are pissed at Solo, who argues that he’s programmed to prevent harm to noncombatants. Madden, of course, claims the civilians count as combatants because they’re “working for” the rebels. (read the rest of this shit…)

September 9th, 2026 | 14 Comments »

The Fan (1996)

August 16, 1996

THE FAN is one of those movies I saw at the time, thought was pretty decent, didn’t think much about for 30 years, watched again, still thought was the same pretty decent. In fact, I might have to bump that up to pretty good.

One good thing about it is the same thing that happens when you watch many of the Tony Scott movies, even lesser ones: you remember that god damn, movies used to look good. The cinematographer is Dariusz Wolski, who’d just shot CRIMSON TIDE for Scott, but also he’s the guy who did THE CROW, and later DARK CITY, and then he did some Gore Verbinskis and Tim Burtons, and then a whole bunch of Ridley Scotts. A high ranking cinematographer of my lifetime, in my opinion. So here he’s doing those hazy orange Tony Scott skies, he’s making shots of the most routine shit look god damn beautiful, he’s staging business meetings in conference rooms with magic hour light shining through slit blinds, just ridiculously beautiful shots in a regular ol’ stalker thriller.

In his followup to CASINO and HEAT, Robert De Niro stars as Gil Renard, a very serious fan of the San Francisco Giants. Not just a guy who watches the games and has the hats and bobbleheads and shit (though of course he does), he’s also a regular sports radio caller, apt to defend his team, for example when radio personalities Jewel Stern (Ellen Barkin, MAN TROUBLE) and Bernie (Kurt Fuller, MIRACLE MILE, NO HOLDS BARRED) are a little too hard on the highly paid new player Bobby Rayburn (Wesley Snipes between WAITING TO EXHALE and MURDER AT 1600). (read the rest of this shit…)

September 8th, 2026 | 9 Comments »

Onslaught

After spending nearly a decade making the literally gigantic FX extravaganzas GODZILLA VS. KONG and GODZILLA X KONG: THE NEW EMPIRE, director Adam Wingard has returned to the territory of YOU’RE NEXT and THE GUEST – horror/action/thriller hybrids where he doesn’t have as much money but can kinda do what he wants. This time he’s armed with that blockbuster experience and a bigger small budget (three times as much as THE GUEST) courtesy of A24, so he and his long time writer Simon Barrett (FRANKENFISH) had a chance to really let ‘er rip. I thought. Maybe next time.

I hope other people will get more out of it than I did. It has many of the elements for a movie I could love. Adria Arjona (TRIPLE FRONTIER, 6 UNDERGROUND, MORBIUS, HIT MAN, but mainly Bix from Andor) is very charismatic as Celeste, a cynical war vet who purposely isolates herself in a desert town, living in and managing a trailer park, her only loves in the world the daughter she has partial custody of and the illegal stockpile of guns in the cabinet. She’s not ready when her more responsible ex (Jacob Scipio, WITHOUT REMORSE) drops off young Daisy (Blake Kennedy) on an unscheduled weekend. She missed the text about it because she was out shooting jack o’lanterns. So compared to everyone else she is pretty ready for the other unexpected guests, the rampaging super soldiers who escape from a nearby secret military site and start killing everybody. (read the rest of this shit…)

September 7th, 2026 | 9 Comments »

Escape From L.A. (30th anniversary revisit)

August 9, 1996

John Carpenter’s ESCAPE FROM L.A. is a movie that I still like, but (kind of like THE FRIGHTENERS) not as much as I did at the time. Come to think of it maybe part of that was that Carpenter had been, up to that point, almost entirely a video experience for me. When I saw BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA in the theater I was too young to be aware of who the director was. ESCAPE FROM L.A. was the first time I was purposely watching a John Carpenter film on the big screen, excited to see Kurt Russell play Snake Plissken again, his theme music blasting through the then-state-of-the-art THX sound system.

But I remember people trashing it at the time. Carpenter hadn’t done a sequel before, they didn’t like seeing him rehash a previous story, they didn’t like seeing c.g. in one of his movies, at least not like this. In many cases, I have to say, they really didn’t get the joke. I was, and still am, a person that finds it funny to move the anti-hero from a classic ‘80s urban dystopia over to the west coast and make him surf with Peter Fonda. Not everyone feels that way. They’re missing out on some of life’s beauty, in my opinion.

Okay, the c.g. complaint, I still get that. There are shots that look bad for the time, and that was 30 years ago. On the other hand, I’d guess it’s around 30 seconds of screen time, and lit murkily enough that it doesn’t look as shiny and ridiculous as most of the similarly budgeted stuff from the same era. One of those shots is underwater at night. What I found interesting on this viewing was that as the movie ages it looks and feels much more like ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK than it seemed to at the time, when it felt too current. The arc of time is starting to merge them. (read the rest of this shit…)

September 4th, 2026 | 17 Comments »

Toxic: A Fairy Tale For Grown-Ups

TOXIC: A FAIRY TALE FOR GROWN-UPS is a new Kannada-language Indian film that I went and saw at the multiplex on opening day last week. I’d been waiting for it since they played the trailer before RZA’s ONE SPOON OF CHOCOLATE and I felt like I’d seen God. I think it already left that theater, but maybe you can find it in your area, so I want to get the word out. I’m a TOXIC crusader.

I was already sold on the movie when I learned that American martial arts legend J.J. “Loco” Perry (competitor in BLOODSPORT III, choreographer of UNDISPUTED II) is one of the action directors. That makes it an event in my book. You might wonder why he’d want to go overseas to work behind the scenes after graduating to director with DAY SHIFT, THE KILLER’S GAME and AFTERBURN, but this was an opportunity he couldn’t turn down. In a Q&A at Big Bad Film Fest recently (as heard on Action for Everyone), he said that UNDISPUTED II was shot in 30 days, all the movies he’s directed were 42, Chad Stahelski’s upcoming HIGHLANDER was 125, but TOXIC was 225! It’s one of the most expensive movies ever made in India, and taking a whipping in their media for not making the money back. But ACAB includes armchair studio accountants, so I will break with those pigs and thank the producers for investing so much in my entertainment.

TOXIC is an operatic, ultra-maximalist gangster action movie co-written, produced and starring (in a dual role) a superstar called Yash, credited as “Rocking Star Yash.” That it’s directed and co-written by a woman, the former actress Geetu Mohandas, adds an interesting layer to its depiction of masculinity, which is so over the top there’s simply no chance we’ll ever be able to locate the top again. R.I.P. The Top. (read the rest of this shit…)

September 3rd, 2026 | 8 Comments »

Matilda / Chain Reaction

August 2, 1996

Roald Dahl was my favorite author when I was a little kid, but I didn’t know his book Matilda because it didn’t come out until ’88. Watching the movie version again the story seems kinda sweet and wholesome by his standards, even though it envisions the world as a place full of cruel, crude idiots. Its warmth lies in its heroine, a smart girl who finds an angelically supportive teacher to help her through her difficulties. Similar idea, but a little more pure than a poor boy winning a chocolate factory. (I wasn’t that surprised when I read that an editor had to talk Dahl out of his initial version where Matilda uses her psychokinetic powers to torment innocent parents and help her teacher gamble.)

Director Danny DeVito (THROW MOMMA FROM THE TRAIN) must’ve still been concerned about MATILDA (adapted by Nicholas Kazan [MOBSTERS, DREAM LOVER] and Robin Swicord [SHAG]) being a little mean, because he cast himself as the kind-sounding narrator to balance out playing the asshole dad, Harry Wormwood. Harry and his wife Zinnia (Rhea Perlman, CLASS ACT) somehow raised their daughter Matilda (the precocious Mara Wilson, MRS. DOUBTFIRE) to the age of six without noticing – or at least not approving of – her brilliance. She loves to read, but has to sneak out to go to the library. Harry, an unethical used car salesman, forces her to watch TV junk and refuses to let her go to school, because “Who would sign for the packages?”

She’s delighted when he finally enrolls her at Crunchem Hall Elementary, but unfortunately it was just to help sell a car to principal Agatha Trunchbull (Pam Ferris, MEANTIME), an abusive monster who has a dartboard with pictures of students in her office and frequently locks kids in an iron maiden closet she calls “the Chokey.” A former shot putter, hammer and javelin thrower who competed in the 1972 Summer Olympics, she uses those skills to throw children long distances. Somebody should do something about this, but nobody’s up to it. (read the rest of this shit…)

September 2nd, 2026 | 11 Comments »

Coyote vs. Acme

It’s not that high of praise to say COYOTE VS. ACME is the best Looney Tunes movie. So how about the only Looney Tunes movie they should make?

I mean I think SPACE JAM is kind of funny, they’re not all DAFFY DUCK’S MOVIE: FANTASY ISLAND, but these characters were made for shorts. The feature length HOW THE EARTH BLEW UP: A LOONEY TUNES MOVIE really couldn’t match the energy of the brilliant show by the same people, and it’s even worse when they pretend all these characters are friends and have them standing around together like The Muppets. But this new one is different. Instead of setting out to come up with a new Bugs Bunny movie or whatever it comes from a 1990 New Yorker article by Ian Frazier about what would happen if Wile E. Coyote tried to sue the Acme Corporation over all the defective products he’s bought from them.

It’s a rock solid concept combining the joke conventions of the Road Runner cartoons with the format of a court room thriller, or an ERIN BROCKOVICH type whistleblower drama. I knew the idea going in but I still got such a good, deep laugh from the way it’s laid out: Wile E. (as everyone calls him), fresh from another day of catastrophically failing to catch the Road Runner using various contraptions, returns to his cave, where an ad on the TV catches his attention. The questionable attorney Kevin Avery (Will Forte, LIFE OF CRIME), who specializes in cartoon law, is asking if you’ve ever experienced things like pushing a detonator but the detonator blows up, or pulling a ripcord and only silverware comes out – things we see in flashes of classic Wile E. Coyote shorts. If so, you could be entitled to compensation.

The trouble is Kevin isn’t ready for a case like Wile E.’s. He believes he can quickly settle for $300 over faulty rocket skates, but Wile E. – who communicates through gestures and “a limited number” of signs – has a literal mountain of other failed Acme products. When, to Kevin’s horror, the petition goes to Acme’s intimidating head counsel Buddy Crane (John Cena, 12 ROUNDS), he’s offered what would be his biggest settlement ever… but Wile E. literally tears it up and sets it on fire. (read the rest of this shit…)

August 31st, 2026 | 15 Comments »

Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma

TEENAGE SEX AND DEATH AT CAMP MIASMA is the third movie from writer/director Jane Schoenbrun. I haven’t seen WE’RE ALL GOING TO THE WORLD’S FAIR (2021), but I did see I SAW THE TV GLOW (2024), which was released by A24 to great acclaim and adulation.

I confess I didn’t get that one. Didn’t even feel qualified to review it. I love its look, and I was impressed by its creation of a ‘90s tv show called The Pink Opaque that its characters are obsessed with. It’s like the show Videodrome would make in response to the popularity of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. But I struggled with watching Justice Smith, who was so charismatic on The Get Down, play such a charmless, passive lead. I’ve read that’s because it’s a trans allegory and the character is repressed, and that’s another thing: there is no way on earth that I would know this was a trans allegory without reading about it. It’s interesting to read about, and it’s a movie that means so much to so many (including plenty of cis people I know), but I simply can’t decode it. I can appreciate the vibes, but in that case it wasn’t enough.

CAMP MIASMA is another trans allegory, but it’s more on my frequency. Maybe some of the very specialized things it’s about are also more universal, or maybe it’s just that it’s funnier. But it sure doesn’t hurt that it’s about slasher movies. Up and coming young indie director Kris Williams (Hannah Einbinder, Hacks) has been hired to reboot a long-running, now moribund summer camp slasher series called CAMP MIASMA. The opening credits have a very detailed montage of franchise history, with 14 movies that mostly line up with the FRIDAY THE 13TH sequels, except there’s a Christmas one and an ARMY OF DARKNESS one and I think a HALLOWEEN 6 thorn cult reference. The most important inspiration, though, is SLEEPAWAY CAMP, with the killer’s psychosis attributed to being raised as both a boy and a girl. Kris says they hired her, a known lesbian, in a cynical attempt to launder the problematicness out of the i.p. (read the rest of this shit…)

August 27th, 2026 | 18 Comments »

Tuner

TUNER is a pretty simple and well-constructed little crime movie, about a quiet, unassuming protagonist with very specific talents, vulnerabilities and needs. It feels like it could’ve come from some brilliant but under-the-radar paperback, a quick but satisfying read. One thing that makes it distinct is that it’s also a romance – more of a romance than a crime movie, arguably – and it managed to get me more invested in the relationship than the stealing. And feel okay about that.

Niki (Leo Woodall, TONY) is a young piano tuner, the apprentice of Harry Horowitz (Dustin Hoffman, MEGALOPOLIS), who was friends with his late father, and treats him like a beloved nephew. When Harry’s not talking Niki’s ear off about the old days he’s telling everybody what a brilliant musician Niki used to be. Before he stopped, you know. Over time we learn that the devices in Niki’s ears are not hearing aids, they’re to protect him from loud noises, because he’s developed hyperacusis, a condition that makes him very sensitive to sounds. Years of painful exposure therapy helped him to listen to piano again, and he still has perfect pitch. But he gave up on playing, seemingly content in this humble life of being condescended to by the rich people who still own pianos, but at least hanging out with this goofy old man he loves. (read the rest of this shit…)

August 25th, 2026 | 7 Comments »

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »
  • Hey bud, thanks for reading.

    Don't feel obligated, but here are some

  • WAYS YOU CAN SUPPORT THE SHIT OUT OF VERN & OUTLAWVERN.COM

    if that's your thing:

  • 1. Patreon

    Toss me a couple bucks a month, support the good shit, also get access to a bunch of exclusive writing. This is my primary source of writing money that has allowed me to cut down to part time at the day job. Thank you!

  • 2. Buy my books from your local bookseller or somebody

    click here for my Amazon author page

    (NOTE: My ten year contract has passed on the Titan books, so I don't get residuals on them like I do WORM ON A HOOK and NIKETOWN, but I would love for you to read them because I'm proud of them)

    EXTRA CREDIT: Review them on Amazon! That would really help me out. Unless you didn't like them, in which case forget I said anything.

  • 3. If you ever buy from Amazon, go through my links or search engines



    (you pay the same amount you were gonna pay anyway they cut me a little slice)

  • I also have an Amazon UK one:

    (I can't get the search box widget to work anymore, so click on MOONWALKER and then search for what you want.)

  • 4. My exciting line of fashion and leisure products

    (I get a couple bucks per item, you get a cool t-shirt, mug or lifestyle item)

  • 5. Spread the word

    Tell your friends about my reviews and my books and everything. Only cool people though please, we don't need a bunch of suckers and/or chumps around here.

    THANKS EVERYBODY. YOUR FRIEND, VERN

    * * * *

  • Recent commentary and jibber-jabber

    • Hostile18 on Fly Away Home (30th anniversary revisit): “This movie might pair well with the documentary WINGED MIGRATION (2001).” Oct 4, 04:51
    • Alex R on Obsession: “Sorry to comment so much on this one, but the billion dollars going away is a good thought rabbit hole.…” Oct 3, 11:00
    • BuzzFeedAldrin on Obsession: “*SPOLIERS* Yes, I believe the billion dollars went away when Nikki dome’d him per One Wish Wille guidelines so, yep,…” Oct 3, 07:57
    • MaggieMayPie on Obsession: “But if the wish goes away when the wisher dies, wouldn’t the money have disappeared?” Oct 3, 07:25
    • Kim Cardassian on Obsession: “I’d never seen Barker’s comedy YouTube stuff, but I also loved “Milk & Serial.” This dude really has his finger…” Oct 3, 07:18
    • Kim Cardassian on Obsession: “I’d never seen Barker’s comedy YouTube stuff, but I also loved “Milk & Serial.” This dude really has his finger…” Oct 3, 07:15
    • CJ Holden on Obsession: “Man, can you imagine all those future date nights where young couples watch a double feature of SEND HELP and…” Oct 2, 22:50
    • The Allusionist on Obsession: “Finally a good sequel pitch. OBSESSION 2 should obviously be about the forensic accountant who goes off the deep end…” Oct 2, 22:43
    • Crudnasty on Obsession: “I thought this movie was great. I saw someone online say the guy who played Bear looked like a young…” Oct 2, 21:28
    • Alex R on Obsession: “Severed— I felt the same way about the death. It didn’t seem redeeming and it’s kind of the most humiliating…” Oct 2, 18:04
    • Severen on Obsession: “Is Bear’s choice to kill himself even “somewhat redeeming” when he immediately tries to go back on it and it’s…” Oct 2, 17:31
    • Andrew on Obsession: “@AlexR I feel like the implication behind Nikki was that she had substantial-enough issues in her past to put some…” Oct 2, 17:00
    • Alex R on Obsession: “Maggie, that’s a great read on the cat. I like it more as a symbol now but I’m still unsure…” Oct 2, 14:25
    • MaggieMayPie on Obsession: “I thought the lie about her dad happened on the car ride before he made the wish, but I haven’t…” Oct 2, 12:47
    • grimgrinningchris on Obsession: “I’ve watched some of Barker’s horror shorts as well as the Milk & Serial movie. Everything I have seen has…” Oct 2, 12:38

  • Recent Commented on Posts

  • Most Comments