Archive for the ‘Reviews’ Category
Thursday, February 4th, 2010
Precious (Gabourey Sidibe) is a very overweight young black woman, afraid to talk in her junior high math class, fantasizing about being married to her teacher. She reminds me of the kid from BAD SANTA – a nice, kind of weird, troubled kid keeping to herself and holding up an emotionless face as everybody throws things at her (both literally and figuratively). So far it seems like problems we can handle. But then she gets called into the principal’s office and gets kicked out of school for being pregnant. With her second child. To her own father.
And trust me, it gets worse. This is like 5 minutes into the movie, including the opening credits. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Mariah Carey!?!, Oprah, Paula Patton
Posted in Drama, Reviews | 60 Comments »
Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010
The LAWMAN season finale is on tonight, so before that airs I thought I should catch up on reviewing the previous two episodes. The show continues to be interesting to Seagalogists, each time throwing in a few new elements instead of simply repeating itself. These episodes include shit-talking Jean-Claude Van Damme, being mistaken for another famous action star, a sad look at the War on Drugs and a genuinely cute moment that will make you say “Aaaahhhhh, that was a genuinely cute moment.”
(read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Seagalogy
Posted in Crime, Documentary, Reviews, Seagal | 24 Comments »
Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010
So I watched this poorly subtitled Chinese import of BANLIEUE 13 – ULTIMATUM, which I think is about to be released dubbed in the US as DISTRICT 13: ULTIMATUM, the sequel to what we call DISTRICT B13, which pretty much translates to “District District 13.” This one reunites Cyril Rafaelli (last seen tossed into a fan by John McClane) and David Belle for more near-future parkour and martial arts action.
It’s 3 years later and the government has made good on its promise for regime change, but nothing else. The district is still walled in, and the cops still treat everybody like shit. Leito (Belle) doesn’t want to let it go so he has a hobby of strolling around casually attaching bombs to walls and blowing shit up. Then he gets chased by cops and the gangs, or “clans,” get pissed at him because they sort of like their lives behind the walls and don’t want him fucking it up. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Cyril Raffaelli, David Belle, parkour
Posted in Action, Reviews | 14 Comments »
Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010
Thomas Jane plays Malone, a fedora-wearing, ’52 Buick driving, ten thousand bullet firing, fake film noir style opening scene narrating, badass private eye motherfucker in a mostly empty city portrayed by Spokane, Washington. The movie takes place in the modern day (email is mentioned once) but obviously takes most of its cues from the cliches of detective stories/film noir, including the femme fatale client, the fast, back-and-forth quipping and, you know, his hat. He’s old fashioned enough that he keeps calling women “sister.” Also, alot of the score is that cheesy type of saxophone they always use in modern movies and TV as a code for “it’s like an old private eye movie.” (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: DTV, Russell Mulcahy, Thomas Jane, Ving Rhames
Posted in Action, Reviews | 38 Comments »
Saturday, January 30th, 2010
This pre-DIRTY HARRY teamup between Clint Eastwood and Don Siegel starts with Clint as sheriff’s deputy Coogan tracking a Navajo wife-murderer through the desert. The wide angle, the windy quiet and the cowboy hat tell you it’s a western, except Coogan rides in in a Jeep. He has a shootout with the suspect, captures him and then goes to visit an old girlfriend, leaving the man chained up on the porch like a dog. His boss storms in to chew him out while his girl is bathing him – Coogan asks the sheriff to pass him the soap. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Clint Eastwood, Don Siegel, the mom from Webster
Posted in Action, Reviews | 24 Comments »
Thursday, January 28th, 2010
BRINGING OUT THE DEAD is Martin Scorsese at his most nightmarish and hallucinogenic, a movie almost entirely in helicopters-overhead-paranoid-end-of-GOODFELLAS mode. That’s ’cause it’s about night shift EMT workers, which I think we can safely assume is probly a pretty stressful job. The movie is written by Paul Schrader based on one of those “this job is fucked and we’re all on drugs” type exposes, like Kitchen Confidential was for chefs.
Man of the hour Nic Cage plays Frank Pierce, who doesn’t get enough sleep and thinks he sees the ghosts of everyone he’s failed to save. He has a hard time feeling like a hero since most of the calls he gets are DOA or false alarms. He’s always doing CPR on dead babies or begging the hellishly overcrowded hospital to take in a vegetable. He’s so tired of bum-out cardiac arrests (“COME ON, PEOPLE!” he scolds) that he’s happy dealing with the notoriously foul-smelling drunk Mr. O, who calls in every time he’s wasted. The one time Frank does succeed in resuscitating a guy he feels guilty about it and imagines the man telling him to let him die. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Mark Anthony, Martin Scorsese, Nicolas Cage, Patricia Arquette, Paul Schrader, Tom Sizemore, Ving Rhames
Posted in Comedy/Laffs, Drama, Reviews | 60 Comments »
Wednesday, January 27th, 2010
Recently I made a list of all Clint Eastwood’s movies (as an actor) that I haven’t seen or don’t remember. The list is surprisingly long, and I carry it in my wallet now in case I’m at the video store and don’t know what to rent. So hopefully this will be the first of many upcoming doses of Eastwood medicine. (pun)
(you get it, it’s a play on Eastern medicine, that’s why it’s a pun. Needs work I guess.)
HANG ‘EM HIGH opens with Clint by himself moving some cattle across the plains. Soon he runs into some deputies who question him and don’t believe anything he says. You know how cops can be. He got pulled over for cattledriving-while-Clint. What we don’t know yet is that the cattle really are stolen property. The guy he bought them from was not who he said he was. The real owner was murdered, and that’s why the lawmen are hassling Clint. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Clint Eastwood, Dennis Hopper
Posted in Reviews, Western | 115 Comments »
Monday, January 25th, 2010
“Why me Lord? What have I ever done / That was worth even one / Of the pleasures I’ve known / Tell me Lord, what did I ever do / That was worth loving you / or [Universal Soldier 3].”
–Kris Kristofferson, “Why Me”
Holy shit fellas, I didn’t see this one coming. I was excited about the idea of Van Damme and Lundgren doing a movie together again, but honestly I assumed they (and everybody else) would be phoning it in. Man, was I wrong. There are no phones used at all. This is a masterpiece of DTV.
I mean seriously, how did this happen? (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: best DTV movies, Dolph Lundgren, DTV, DTV sequels, DTV sequels better than theatrical originals, JCVD, John Hyams, Peter Hyams
Posted in Action, AICN, Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit | 80 Comments »
Monday, January 25th, 2010
Remember, I said I was gonna review all the UNIVERSAL SOLDIER movies? I wasn’t lying. Here’s my reviews of the third and fourth installments in preparation for the brand new part 3 that comes out next week.
UNIVERSAL SOLDIER III: UNFINISHED BUSINESS continues from part 2, clearly shot back-to-back and even including a “previously on Universal Soldier” type montage. Burt Reynolds is the sleazy CIA director trying to stop Luc Deveraux (Matt Battaglia, not Van Damme) and the reporter from revealing the UniSol program. I’m sure he wouldn’t get in trouble, but Congressional hearings are probly a pain the ass, you gotta go to bed early the night before, get your suit cleaned, send your lawyer a thank you note, all that shit. Easier to just stay out of the headlines. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Bill Goldberg, Burt Reynolds, JCVD, Jeff Wincott, Michael Jai White
Posted in Action, Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit | 10 Comments »
Friday, January 22nd, 2010
I liked AMERICAN YAKUZA so much I figured I better investigate the other two directorial works of Mr. Frank A. Cappello. #2 of 3 is an unpredictable 1995 action movie starring Russell Crowe as an FBI agent. That’s the mystery of Cappello – the guy only directs three movies but manages to nab both Viggo Mortensen and Russell Crowe in leading roles before they became huge. I really like Crowe in this one, playing an obsessed agent and single dad. It’s actually pretty similar to his role in AMERICAN GANGSTER except he accidentally slips into the Australian accent more. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: former 90210 stars trying to have serious careers, Frank A. Cappello, Helen Slater, Kelly Hu, Russell Crowe
Posted in Action, Reviews | 9 Comments »
