Archive for the ‘Action’ Category
Wednesday, January 1st, 2003
Now this is what I call a fuckin MOVIE. I forgot about it until seeing it on Bravo today but it is even better now that I’m older and now that I’ve done my own bid. First though, a word about Bravo. This is the “film and arts network” they CLAIM, but they don’t have the balls to live up to that slogan. You know how Sam Peckinpah movies always have the real slick opening credits with the freeze frames and the atmosphere and what not? They show these in widescreen and your thinking, “Look at that! Look at that rectangular screen! That atmosphere! THIS is a fuckin MOVIE.”
And then it says “directed by Sam Peckinpah” and BAM, no more widescreen. No, that’s just so the words will fit, we don’t need it anymore. The picture is square and cramped and the film is all faded and dark and you’re thinkin, “What is this crap, Hunter?” (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Ali MacGraw, Ben Johnson, Jim Thompson, Sally Struthers, Sam Peckinpah, Steve McQueen, Walter Hill
Posted in Action, Crime, Reviews, Thriller | 21 Comments »
Wednesday, January 1st, 2003
There are about three kinds of Jean-Claude Van Damme pictures in my opinion. There are the real experimental, artsy type like Double Team and Knock Off (the best kind), the real cheap and crappy ones like Cyborg and Double Impact (the worst kind), and the more expensive ones where he’s trying to become a more respectable mainstream action star (the kind that Sudden Death is).
I have a hard time reviewing this picture since it is an unofficial sequel to Die Hard. For those of you who don’t know I am a HUGE fan of the Die Hard pictures (starring Bruce Willis, look it up if you haven’t seen it) because, as a fan do I want to support this as part of the die hard mythos or should I not support it since it is unofficial, it is hard to say. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Die Hard on a ____, JCVD, Peter Hyams, Powers Boothe
Posted in Action, Reviews, Thriller | 46 Comments »
Wednesday, January 1st, 2003
Some video association recently named Sylvester Stallone “Action Star of the Millennium.” Well nobody knows where the fuck that’s coming from, mainly because there are about 999 years left on this millennium and about 900 on the previously millennium where nobody had figured out how to make action movies yet. But also there’s the sorry state of Sylvester Stallone’s career.
Now by that I do not mean that Entertainment Weekly shit that he is not making hits. There are many actors who are not making hits who are still completely respectable, such as our friend Mr. Eastwood. But Stallone is in the Arnold category, he’s done so much worse than making less money. His good days are so far behind him you almost don’t even associate him with them. First he turned Rambo into an icon and became the symbol of everything that is wrong with our country, our culture, our movies, and our clothes. (I mean that headband looked fuckin ridiculous.) Then he started makin shit like COBRA and DEMOLITION MAN and etc. etc. He fell so hard that even HE started noticing it after a while. So he went through a stage where he was fighting for critical respectability. He tried to go the Travolta route and lobbied for the role of Max Cherry in JACKIE BROWN. When that didn’t pan out he got fat for the role in COPLAND and america was under his spell until, you know, the movie came out. Soon he became so desperate he tried to revive both the Rocky and Rambo series, but luckily that hasn’t worked out yet. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Brian Dennehy, David Caruso, David Morrell, Jack Starrett, Richard Crenna, Sylvester Stallone, Ted Kotcheff
Posted in Action, Drama, Reviews, Thriller | 26 Comments »
Thursday, December 19th, 2002
Well I got my wish, they made a part 2. When last we left Merlin, Frodo, Viggo, Sam, Dwarf, and Elf, they were all split up. Merlin fell down a hole and there was no giant talking bird to save him this time. Everybody was separated or something. Frodo and Sam were going to go throw the ring in the volcano. I can’t remember what else.
Well part 2 picks up right in the middle of part 1, not where it left off. We find that when Merlin fell down that hole actually he did it on purpose to fight a demon in mid-air. It was awesome. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Christopher Lee, Ian McKellen, Peter Jackson, Viggo Mortensen
Posted in Action, Fantasy/Swords, Reviews | No Comments »
Monday, December 2nd, 2002
Hey, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
Vern rules. If you don’t know that by now, then here’s your chance to figure out why.
Fellas —
I know you ran a couple reviews of THE TOUCH starring Michelle Yeoh before, but I thought I’d throw in too. I mean look harry you and I go way back, just give me another chance to commune with those talkbackers you got. I’ve been practicing and I think I can win em over this time. The secret is not to mention that I’m an award winning Writer and then I really think those fuckers might take a shine to me. Don’t print that part harry, thanks bud. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Michelle Yeoh
Posted in Action, AICN, Reviews, Romance | 1 Comment »
Saturday, November 16th, 2002
I don’t know how to explain my fascination with Steven Seagal, but you can read my review of ON DEADLY GROUND and maybe you’ll understand. I don’t think the dude is exactly advancing the cause of Badass Cinema with his works, but I still enjoy every new chapter of his saga.
This time around we find Seagal working with a young rapper named Ja Rule, stealing cars for some European guy. BUT NEVER FEAR. Although Seagal may SEEM to be a mere car thief (or I guess, since he’s Steven Seagal, an ex-CIA black ops car thief), it is heavily implied in the opening scene that he MAY actually be some kind of undercover FBI agent. I don’t want to give anything away though, who knows if he really is undercover or not. Nobody really knows until they themselves have seen the movie. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Don Michael Paul, Ja Rule, Kurupt, Morris Chestnut, Nia Peeples, Seagalogy, Steven Seagal
Posted in Action, Crime, Reviews, Seagal, Thriller | 20 Comments »
Monday, November 11th, 2002
Well I’m way behind on this one. The nerds of the internet have been talking about this one forever, more evidence of a vibrant nerd culture thriving out there somewhere. Like the aztecs and mayans with their fancy calendars, the nerds were ahead of ol’ Vern on discovering SHAOLIN SOCCER. But then, I work on my own schedule.
Soon all americans will know about the power of SHAOLIN SOCCER, because Miramax is doing one of their trademark trim jobs on it and releasing it here. But if you haven’t heard of it yet this is what it is. Shaolin kung fu + soccer = this movie. Duh. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Karen Mok, Stephen Chow
Posted in Action, Martial Arts, Reviews, Sport | 1 Comment »
Saturday, October 26th, 2002
JACKASS is an important new documentary produced by oscar nominated director Spike Jonze and the MTV television network. Using the “digital video” camera technology a group of young daredevils were able to capture a slice of life that just may blow the lid off of american culture, etc. Or whatever.
It turns out JACKASS: THE THING OTHER THAN THE MOVIE is a tv show on the MTV music channel. Created by Johnny Knoxville, who got the job by spraying himself in the face with pepper spray and shocking himself with a taser (but only on a camcorder, not on some ongoing competitive reality series or anything), it is some kind of tv show. I’m not very familiar with the character or storylines so I have no way of judging if the movie is faithful to the show. But I thought it was good. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Johnny Knoxville, Spike Jonze
Posted in Action, Comedy/Laffs, Reviews | 1 Comment »
Monday, October 14th, 2002
SPOILER ALERT !!
Hey, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
Wow. Bob and David are everywhere right now, and it sounds like they’re having a great time. I still don’t know if I’m going to be able to get into the insane benefit show they’re part of in a few weeks, and I missed this. Still, if we had to have anyone cover it for us, thank god Vern was the one who went. You’ll see why when you read this…
Boys–
I know how you feel about film festivals. You’re for them, right? I think one of you said you were. I’ve seen a couple good pictures at the Seattle International Film Festival but that’s about it for me. Until today, when I decided to venture south to the Olympia Film Festival. And I’m real glad I did.
Usually I avoid Olympia. I know it’s our state capital, it once had a fine brewery and they got lots of college kids who brag because the rock band Sleater-Kinney was named after a street they still have near there. But I mean come on. The street isn’t even that good. In the downtown area the buildings are too far apart, and everything is closed. At least on Sunday. Anyway today they finally got a reason for me to go there: ON DEADLY GROUND. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Billy Bob Thornton, Joan Chen, John C. McGinley, Michael Caine, Mike Starr, R. Lee Ermey, Seagalogy, Steven Seagal, Sven-Ole Thorsen
Posted in Action, AICN, Reviews, Seagal, Thriller | 9 Comments »
Wednesday, October 2nd, 2002
The box’ll get you expecting some weird french version of CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON, but I say it’s a 2000s Hammer movie. So you got a period piece with a mysterious beast eating people in a village, and the townspeople are trying to hunt it but they’re on the wrong track, and some colorful experts come to town to get the job done FOR REAL.
All that, but it’s the 2000s so they all do karate. Just like Charlie’s Angels, Mission: Impossible, X-Men, Superman, Charles In Charge, anybody that’s resurrected in the 2000s, they’re gonna do karate. Why? The Matrix. When? The 2000s. Where? A big screen near you. This includes not just americans, but also the French. The Musketeer did karate and Vidocq did detective style kung fu, and this movie introduces until-now-unknown traditions of French and Native American martial arts. Those scenes are kind of tossed in there, but it’s not quite as crazy as it sounds. If you like the movie like I did, it will probaly be due to the classic story of the monster eating the villagers, and the dudes trying to track the monster. Not the karate. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Christophe Gans, Mark Dacascos, Monica Bellucci, Vincent Cassel
Posted in Action, Horror, Mystery, Reviews | 8 Comments »
