Posts Tagged ‘the Nerdening of America’

The Spirit

Saturday, January 3rd, 2009

Yes, as you’ve heard by now, THE SPIRIT is a terrible movie. But don’t fall into the trap I did. Just because almost everyone agrees that it’s terrible doesn’t mean it’s funny or interesting to watch. I thought it looked bad from the trailers and really had no interest until I started seeing some of these reviews comparing it to various landmarks in bad movie history. The more vicious the reviews got the more I started to think shit, I kind of want to see that. People acted like it was some bizarre Ed Wood type shit that they couldn’t believe they were seeing.

Well, there are a couple weird touches. For some reason Samuel L. Jackson’s villain character, The Octopus, talks about eggs all the time. Seriously, he just keeps bringing them up – “I beat you like an egg,” “I don’t have egg on my face,” etc. etc. It’s worse than Tarantino’s obsession with feet. Also there’s a part where SPY KIDS style home computer effects depict a little tiny head attached to a foot that hops around on a table in front of him and he keeps saying it’s “plain damn weird.” I kind of wish writer/director Frank Miller was in the theater to experience the uncomfortable silence as the scene milked the “joke” over and over again for a couple minutes, clearly convinced it was hilarious.

The story involves a mysterious super hero dude called The Spirit who sort of helps the cops and gets in a fight with Sam Jackson and gets a toilet broken over his head. But the Octopus implies there is a secret that ties their pasts together, and then everybody dresses up like nazis and kills a cat. Also the Spirit’s childhood girlfriend is back in town trying to steal the same treasure that would give the Octopus super powers or I don’t know, who gives a shit. Not me and not you, I guarantee you. (more…)

Ringers: Lord of the Fans

Wednesday, October 12th, 2005

This review is for anybody out there who is a poor sucker, like me. If you are a poor sucker you might foolishly assume that this documentary about LORD OF THE RINGS fans is called RINGERS because it is like the movie TREKKIES. A horrifying look into the abyss. You stare at that fucker and it stares right back at you, or whatever. A freak show. A good time at the movies. A cultural document that gives you the fuckin creeps even thinking about it years later.

But you remember how TREKKIES seemed like it was trying to be respectful and non-exploitative of the fans, but the people they found were just so fuckin over the top that it didn’t work? You know, like halfway through the interview with the guy dressed as a woman that he says is the never shown on screen wife of a minor astrounaut character for one episode, they figured “Ah, fuck it, we can’t make a respectful documentary about these lunatics. Let the freak show begin.” Well this is not like that. This is more like a rejected VH-1 special.

The movie has sort of an overview of the writing and publishing of the books, how they got popular and then just a bunch of interviews with the stars of the movies talking about how they hope the movies give people hope and believe in theirselves or whatever. Some of this stuff is actually pretty interesting. They interview David Carradine and at first you’re thinking okay, yeah, let’s see what the guy from KUNG FU thinks about Lord of the Rings, I guess. Er– huh? Then you find out that in the ’70s when he heard there was a LORD OF THE RINGS movie being made he called up the studio trying to get in on that, but they told him it was gonna be animated. He claims he was a fan of Ralph Bakshi but actually went and tried to talk him out of doing it as a cartoon.

Also there’s a part in here where they claim the Beatles tried to make a LORD OF THE RINGS movie, first with David Lean and then with Stanley Kubrick. Ain’t that a bitch? They act like this means the Beatles would’ve starred in it but I’m betting they just wanted to fund it like HOLY MOUNTAIN. I mean how would you do LORD OF THE RINGS starring the Beatles? On the other hand Ringo would’ve been good as those two fuckup hobbits that get stuck in a tree for most of the trilogy. (more…)

Serenity

Saturday, October 1st, 2005

It’s all Laremy [name removed to protect the innocent*]’s fault. I know, sounds like a made up name, but this is apparently a real guy, a fellow Seattle movie reviewer who emails me all the time. As you know I am one of them lone wolfs they got, so I don’t want any part of no critical community or nothin. So I’ve made kind of a sport of dodging this guy’s kind offers to go to critic’s screenings with him. He sees alot of the same movies I do, but weeks early and for free. So I really oughta go but I told him look bud, I like to see the movies with my man Joe Public. (Joe Public actually is a made up name, it is symbolic of regular individuals such as you or I and not critics. Just to be clear. I think you knew that though sorry)

Anyway, Laremy gives me a heads up on alot of these, and he has a pretty good track record. He told me about 40 Year Old Virgin, he warned me that Lord of War was not as good as hoped, and a couple other ones. So I took him seriously when he said “SERENITY will be HUGE. Nice flick, nice laughs, nice action, well done all the way around. Summer Glau is highly doable as well.” When I asked him if that was that one space ship movie he got a little more thoughtful and warned not to get too excited because “it’s better with no expectations, like peyote.”

Well I gotta agree with Laremy again although I’m not sure which one it was that somebody was gonna “do.” This is a well put together space movie, all made out of familiar elements but not feeling like your typical hollywood space picture you would expect to see in a theater these days. The story is about the crew of one medium sized spaceship (a little smaller than Hans Solo’s ship) which is called Serenity. That is why the movie is also called Serenity, it is the name of the spaceship. Anyway there’s maybe 7 or 8 people on this ship but the important ones are 1. the captain, who will serve as our rogueish hero and 2. a babbling/maybe retarded teenage girl named River who is wanted by the space government because they made her into a psychic/kung fu killing machine and she may or may not know their secrets. (more…)