"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

The Cable Guy

June 14, 1996

THE CABLE GUY was, somehow, a divisive movie. It’s such a good idea: what if you slipped the guy hooking up your cable some extra money to give you the pay channels for free, and then he felt entitled to be your friend, and you couldn’t get rid of him? And what if he was an over-the-top goofball Jim Carrey but it played out like a SINGLE WHITE FEMALE or CAPE FEAR type suspense thriller? It’s very funny, but directed like a real thriller by Ben Stiller (following his debut REALITY BITES), so it turns out it wasn’t what most of society expected or desired from Carrey after his run of ACE VENTURA, THE MASK, DUMB AND DUMBER, BATMAN FOREVER and ACE VENTURA 2. We’ll get into that a little more later, but for now, fuck ‘em. They were wrong, obviously.

Steven Kovacs (Matthew Broderick, WARGAMES, THE LION KING) is newly separated from his girlfriend Robin (Leslie Mann, LAST MAN STANDING), having freaked her out by proposing. So he has a new apartment and needs the cable hooked up and it’s his buddy Rick (Jack Black, WATERWORLD) who suggests bribing the guy, which is not really Steven’s way, but he does it anyway. Great idea, Rick.

The cable guy says his name is Ernie “Chip” Douglas, acts like he’s caressing a nipple when he finds the “sweet spot” to drill into the wall, intuits that Steven is dealing with a breakup, likes to say “I’m just messin with ya” and “I’m just jerkin yer chain,” and pressures him into hanging out the next day. Then he brings him to sit on top of the city’s satellite dish, the place where he goes to think, to talk about the future of cable and internet. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 18th, 2026 | 23 Comments »

Sirāt

SIRĀT is an unusual movie – a Spanish film from French-Galician director Óliver Laxe, set in Morocco. It follows a man named Luis (Sergi López, PAN’S LABYRINTH), who brings his young son Esteban (Bruno Núñez) and his dog Pipa to a rave out in the desert while searching for his missing daughter. (They’re not dancing, they’re just walking around showing people her picture.)

The movie is simple, primal, artfully repetitive, hypnotic. There’s nothing but sand and a few people, they set up their speakers, they put a beat on. It takes a long time before it changes at all. The droning on and on is the point. It makes perfect sense that the two Oscar nominations this got were for Best International Feature Film and Best Sound. Funny to think about Academy voters watching very long scenes of what seems to just be real people letting loose in the desert. Ha ha, you had to watch that for your consideration.

The event gets broken up by soldiers declaring an emergency, but two RV-loads of European ravers who Luis talked to earlier make a run for it, heading to another rave they say will be happening deeper in the desert. So Luis follows this mini-convoy of grizzled punks in their van, making a dangerous trek. It’s a little bit SORCERER, with faint traces of FURY ROAD, but with more thumping beats (courtesy of French DJ Kangding Ray). (read the rest of this shit…)

June 16th, 2026 | 4 Comments »

The Phantom (30th slamiversary revisit)

FOR THOSE WHO CAME IN LATE…

I have loved THE PHANTOM since it opened on June 7, 1996, so you may have seen me going on about it before, for example when I wrote about it in 2010. This year, when I settled on doing a summer of ’96 retrospective, I knew I wanted to skip a few major movies I’ve reviewed before. But I couldn’t skip THE PHANTOM. Not only is it in competition with MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE for my favorite of the summer, and the one I’ve rewatched the most over the decades, but it’s a major piece of evidence in my thesis for this series: that some of ’96’s so-called failures still mean much more to me than its record-smashing mega-hits. Obviously normal people love INDEPENDENCE DAY and THE ROCK, and their directors are still continuing on the paths started by those movies. I can’t deny their importance to cinema history. But they were only ever important to me as movies I rejected, and they don’t even have that power anymore. But I’m still fascinated with some of the arcane treasures the general public left on the reject pile.

Billy Zane (DEMON KNIGHT) is The Phantom, and though he may always be more remembered for playing a rich asshole with short-sighted views on Picasso, I think this is his greatest achievement. He does perfect super hero poses and movements, he got buff for the role in the days when they usually used rubber muscles, he somehow conveys both a wholesomeness and a wry sense of humor. He shows you how to be in on the joke and still believe in the character. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 15th, 2026 | 15 Comments »

I Love Boosters

I LOVE BOOSTERS is a movie with ideas (arguably too many), style (in abundance), attitude (well earned), and an excess of exuberance. It works at a pace and a rhythm that can be challenging, could be annoying, could be hard to lock in on if you were distracted or in the wrong mood. If somebody hated it in the way I hated CRANK and DOMINO back in the day I would get it, though I think I would’ve liked it even then.

For a while it seems like every scene will be a conversation between characters ignoring an insane thing that’s going on that also requires your attention. An early example is the two main characters having a serious talk about their needs in life while shoplifting what I would consider to be an extremely conspicuous amount of clothes. They stuff their shirts so much they look like Klumps, but they continue their talk as they waddle across the parking lot to their getaway van, with little sense of urgency.

This is the second film from Boots Riley (SORRY TO BOTHER YOU), communist rapper turned writer/director who dresses like Paddington Bear. It’s a goofy maximalist comedy overloaded with genre tangents, convoluted sci-fi concepts, bits of stop motion and miniature models, not to mention acidic satire of capitalist exploitation, so it occurs to me now to call it Marxist Savage Steve Holland. But the truth is that what it kept reminding me of was Pee-wee’s Playhouse, Liquid Television, Alex Winter’s FREAKED – those rare pop culture miracles from a bygone era when the occasional gatekeeper saw the wisdom of giving corporate money and platforms to passionate communities of artists to take their swings at outlandish, quirky, wonderful things they really believed in. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 11th, 2026 | 5 Comments »

The Furious

The martial arts movie THE FURIOUS is coming to American theaters this week, and one of the most no-shit-Sherlock predictions you could make right now is that it will be the action movie of the year. It’s an undeniable banger. Everyone who sees it mentions THE RAID, an easy comparison to make not only because Joe Taslim is one of the two leads and Yayan “Mad Dog” Ruhian is one of the villains, but because it just has that same rare sense of relentless energy and unbridled, violent invention. The story has some of THE RAID’s elegant simplicity, but it’s not as contained, there’s much more variance in location and styles of action. It’s a huge feast of high level martial arts, and luckily I came in hungry.

It was one of my most anticipated films even before it started playing film festivals and igniting explosions of superlatives. That’s because it’s an international supergroup, an ensemble of greats from several countries doing top level work for Japan’s two best fight choreographers, who have a good claim to being the current world’s best. The director is Kenji Tanigaki, long time Donnie Yen collaborator and action director for the incredible RUROUNI KENSHIN series. Not too long ago he was the stunt coordinator for TWILIGHT OF THE WARRIORS: WALLED IN – if you saw that you know that’s a credit to brag about. Then the action director is Kensuke Sonomura, director of HYDRA, BAD CITY and GHOST KILLER and action director of my beloved BABY ASSASSINS movies and tv show. Each of these have a very distinct style – Tanigaki’s involves wires and cartoonish exaggeration, while Sonomura’s is more grounded and technical, quick slashing moves and handwork, but with spinning and sliding while firing guns in close quarters – and I love seeing them find a hybrid utilizing all of their powers. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 10th, 2026 | 16 Comments »

Masters of the Universe (2026)

I must confess that I was really excited for MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE. My childhood had its share of dumb cartoons and toys, but those spring-loaded muscle dudes were the ones that power-punched deepest into my brain. I don’t have strong opinions about the Eternian canon or whatever, it’s not holy scripture. It’s more like an incredible mural that I invest my own meaning into. The character designs and concepts, and also the overall aesthetic of fantasy barbarian paintings mixed with cyborgs and colorful vehicles shaped like spiders and sharks and buzzsaws and shit… it just makes me happy to think about it. I mean, there’s a castle with a giant skull on the front of it, and they gave that to the good guy! Even though by all rights the bad guy should’ve had it because he is a skull!

My attachment to Masters of the Universe isn’t about childhood nostalgia – it’s about a very specific, timeless vibe that came out of Mattel artists brainstorming crazy toy gimmicks, and the studio that made Fat Albert reverse engineering a cartoon out of them, together stumbling across one of the most potent mixes of stupid and awesome ever formulated. So I’ve had many years of anticipation as one movie adaptation after another has been dunked in the Evil Horde Development Slime Pit. I didn’t expect the world. I just figured I would get a kick out of whatever they came up with because even if it was bad it would be a modern movie where, like, Trap Jaw fights Ram Man. It would make me chuckle, at least.

Then a dangerous thing happened: they actually made the movie, and with a director that seemed likely to do a good job. Travis Knight is the head of the stop motion studio Laika, director of KUBO AND THE TWO STRINGS, and he also did BUMBLEBEE, the one actually good Transformers movie, the one that opens by capturing the Cybertronian cartoon shit Michael Bay was never interested in, then turns into a new thing, a heartfelt ‘80s-set teen movie IRON GIANT with a very likable Hailee Steinfeld befriending the titular alien robot Volkswagen. We can get into Knight’s peculiar background later, but his movies so far have been really good.

I was concerned when I read a plot summary that sounded like a GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY rip off (this He-Man grew up on Earth), but the trailers made the concept look okay, gave me that excitement of seeing Mekaneck and shit in live action, and when there started being good buzz from people not invested like me I thought holy shit, what if this is really good?

MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE has a great cast, an amazing theme song by Daniel Pemberton featuring Brian May on guitar, it’s well designed, has some big cool sets and colorful costumes, gives me the joy of putting these ridiculous characters in live action, giving them cool super-powered fights. It’s so much of what I wanted. But I think they fucked it up pretty badly.

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June 8th, 2026 | 69 Comments »

Talking MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE with Action For Everyone (again)

Last time I was on the Action For Everyone podcast it was to talk about a Masters of the Universe movie that Netflix had announced (that never happened). Now that there’s an actual movie I guilted them into bringing me back to talk about it. I’ll also have a review posted tomorrow.

I HAVE THE POWER!

June 7th, 2026 | 3 Comments »

Heavy

June 5, 1996

Most of us probly didn’t see James Mangold’s HEAVY in theaters. It won the Special Jury Prize for directing at Sundance, it played Cannes, and then after Liv Tyler got some attention for starring in STEALING BEAUTY it got a limited release in the U.S., starting on one screen in New York and eventually expanding to only 22. I think I only knew about it because Roger Ebert raved about it. I watched it on video later and thought it was pretty good, but I barely remembered it. I thought Heavy was the name of the main guy.

It’s actually Victor Modino, and he’s played by Pruitt Taylor Vince (RED HEAT, K-9, CITY SLICKERS II: THE LEGEND OF CURLY’S GOLD, NATURAL BORN KILLERS) in his first lead role, one he justifiably received alot of praise for. Weirdly this movie didn’t get any Indie Spirit Award nominations, though. Also I’m betting it didn’t ever win any awards for excellence in DVD menu design.


(read the rest of this shit…)

June 5th, 2026 | 4 Comments »

The Arrival

THE ARRIVAL is a mid-budget summer of ’96 sci-fi movie written and directed by David Twohy, who already had writing credits on CRITTERS 2: THE MAIN COURSE, WARLOCK, THE FUGITIVE (no big deal), TERMINAL VELOCITY and WATERWORLD, but had only directed TIMESCAPE (1992) starring Jeff Daniels. He wrote this specifically for Charlie Sheen (GRIZZLY II: REVENGE, NEVER ON TUESDAY, DEADFALL), who plays sort of against type as Zane Zaminsky, SETI researcher. I mean, he’s 99% regular Charlie Sheen, but I think he’s trying to throw some nerd into the mix. He has horn-rimmed glasses and perfectly spiked hair like D-FENS from FALLING DOWN, but he completes the look with a precisely sculpted goatee.

This was from a period between SPECIES (1995) and CONTACT (1997) when sci-fi movies were really interested in the brave scientific heroes who sit patiently at those giant satellite dish things listening for messages from space. Just in case. TWISTER’s hot shot storm chasers would give them the Dawn Wiener treatment, but they are important in their own way, and also think they’re cool because they like to howl like wolves and they’re good at rolling their office chairs back and forth between different computers.

(read the rest of this shit…)

June 4th, 2026 | 4 Comments »

Dragonheart

May 31, 1996

DRAGONHEART is directed by Rob Cohen. I have enjoyed several of Cohen’s movies, especially the one before this (DRAGON: THE BRUCE LEE STORY), and I’ve had fun joking about his specific brand of weirdo hackiness over the years, but since he has been accused of sexual assault by at least three people including his daughter I won’t joke about him or talk about him anymore. But I will talk about DRAGONHEART.

Sir Bowen (Dennis Quaid, JAWS 3-D, WYATT EARP) is a knight who mentors the Saxon Prince Einon (Lee Oakes), the little shit son of King Freyne (stuntman Peter Hric), who also has another right hand man called Brok (Brian Thompson, ALIEN NATION, MIRACLE MILE, LIFE STINKS). Brok calls Bowen “nursemaid” when he commands him to bring the prince to witness his father’s “noble victory” over rebelling peasants. Bowen tries to teach the kid “the Old Code” so he won’t be a massacring bastard like his no good father, but it really doesn’t take.

During the massacre the dumbass king wanders away from his army to personally set fire to a village he assumes is empty, then the peasants mob him and start to beat the shit out of him but for no reason their leader (Terry O’Neill, CONAN THE DESTROYER) says, “Stop! The battle is out there!” and then everybody leaves? What the fuck. So the prince may have a window to heroically save his father, but instead he pries the giant crown off of his head and slinks away just in time to be clumsily bumped by the peasant leader’s daughter Kara (Sandra Kovacicova), causing a wound that will slowly kill him.

Queen Aislinn (Julie Christie, NASHVILLE) comes up with a plan: carry the little twit to a dragon. They go to a cave to find a dragon who will later be called Draco (voice of Sean Connery between FIRST KNIGHT and THE ROCK). Einon has to swear to “live and rule with mercy” and come to the dragon to “learn the Once-ways.” Then Draco does some kind of magic to give half of his heart to the prince, healing him. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 3rd, 2026 | 14 Comments »

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