"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

Theodore Rex

July 2, 1996 (in video stores)

Until now I had never seen THEODORE REX. Obviously I always intended to see it – I’m not a heathen. But I took my time, and also I always got it confused with TAMMY AND THE T-REX. Thankfully this Slam Evil Summer series gave me motivation to finally see it, so now I know what it’s all about, at least to the extent that one can know that just from watching it.

I need to come up with a name for this type of movie. It’s most similar to SUPER MARIO BROS., which also has dinosaurs and cyperpunky stuff, so I’m kinda thinking DinoPunk, Dino Noir, something like that. But they’re fantasy world-building movies, usually set in a dystopian future or alternate world, they’re usually sold as kids movies and have some aggressively juvenile humor (often perpetrated by buffoonish henchmen with wacky voices) but otherwise don’t really seem like they’re made that much for kids (like, this one has a murder investigation complete with dinosaur autopsy). Also for some reason they tend to feature souped-up garbage trucks. But the most distinguishing feature is that they’re a big mess that seems full of the sort of colorful gimmicks and special effects I love (matte paintings and huge soundstage sets depicting stylized cities, animatronic creatures) but none of it really coheres and the whole thing is a slog. (read the rest of this shit…)

July 8th, 2026 | 12 Comments »

The Nutty Professor (1996)

June 28, 1996

While the recently-minted superstar Jim Carrey was challenging himself (and getting paid well) with THE CABLE GUY, his ACE VENTURA: PET DETECTIVE director was remaking Jerry Lewis’s 1963 movie THE NUTTY PROFESSOR. A challenge of a different sort, I guess, because it’s a big special effects movie. It was a huge hit (biggest comedy of 1996, and #5 movie overall), a comeback for Eddie Murphy, and even won an Oscar (best makeup for the legendary Rick Baker). Murphy is quite good in it. I always hated it though.

Sherman Klump (Murphy between VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN and MULAN) is a professor at Wellman College who is also heading the lab’s groundbreaking DNA experiments on hamsters. He happens to be quite obese, but he gets by, and he’s very good natured. I think people like him, with the exception of his less-than-one-dimensionally uptight boss, Dean Richmond (Larry Miller, RADIOLAND MURDERS), who hates his fucking guts and always stands around and/or hides in his classroom, making various outraged expressions at his activities.

The first joke in the movie (if you’re charitable enough to count it as a joke) is about Richard Simmons. In 1996 you couldn’t really address the topic of weight loss without the observation “Can you believe that Richard Simmons!?” So Murphy plays “Lance Perkins,” not so much a parody as an imitation of Simmons. That makeup is a disturbing image to open on.

I think a joke in the next scene will give you a better idea of the strength and quality of wackiness in this picture. A couple are sitting on the grass at the college when a hamster somehow crawls up the leg of the man’s pants. The woman sees the bulge it creates, apparently believes he has a large boner wagging back and forth, and is very pleased by this. This is only the first of many hijinks involving the unlikely number of hamsters roaming free on campus due to Sherman not noticing that his ass bumped the “for some reason this lever opens all of the cages at the same time” lever on the way out of the lab. Whoops. When he goes into the dean’s office to be dressed down for it he notices, but is stopped from pointing out, that a hamster dangling from the light fixture takes a shit right into the dean’s coffee.

Friends, welcome to COMEDY! Comedy is illegal today, but in 1996 it was a way of life! (read the rest of this shit…)

July 6th, 2026 | 23 Comments »

Striptease

June 28, 1996

STRIPTEASE was one of the most derided movies of 1996, and the winner of six Razzies including Worst Picture. There is no question in my mind that that particular distinction can be attributed to the Razzie’s usual misogynistic and puritanical hatred of sexuality. The winners of the previous three years were INDECENT PROPOSAL, COLOR OF NIGHT and SHOWGIRLS. Hollywood could have listened to them, but instead here was Demi Moore briefly nude and showing off her body in tame but sexually provocative dances – this could not stand. She had to be punished. That’s what those fuckers were like back then, and much of society went along with it. (In fact, it also won top honors at the competing “Stinkers Bad Movie Awards.”)

I think when you look at Moore’s performance with today’s eyes it’s impressive: she clearly put alot of work into getting into ridiculous shape and learning to dance, similar to the dedication she would show a year later for a very different but also physically challenging role in G.I. JANE. (which the Razzies would also give her Worst Actress for, the absolute clowns). And she makes the character grounded and sincere. I like her in it. Unfortunately, the worst guy you know sometimes makes a good point, and I have to concede that STRIPTEASE is not a good movie.

Moore plays Erin Grant, who started working as an exotic dancer at the Eager Beaver in Miami after she was fired from her job as a secretary at the FBI. She’s trying to save up the money to appeal her child custody case because her ex Darrell (Robert Patrick, DOUBLE DRAGON) has their 7-year-old Angela (Rumer Willis in her second movie) and uses her as bait for his scam of stealing and reselling wheelchairs. But then some unrelated trouble falls into Erin’s lap. (I would make some kind of lapdance reference here, but I’m too proud. So forget it.) (read the rest of this shit…)

July 3rd, 2026 | 13 Comments »

Lone Star

June 21, 1996

LONE STAR is the summer of ’96 joint from John Sayles, a limited release but made $13 million on a budget much lower than that, and well reviewed. Roger Ebert called it “a great American movie, one of the few to seriously try to regard with open eyes the way we live now… the best work yet by one of our most original and independent filmmakers.”

I must confess that to this day I’m not acquainted enough with Sayles’ work; I respect that he wrote PIRANHA, BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS, ALLIGATOR, THE HOWLING, etc., but his earliest directorial work I’ve seen is still THE BROTHER FROM ANOTHER PLANET (which I love), so I don’t have a full picture of these dramas that are his main thing. In the ‘90s, though, I was at an open minded age and trying to see the Important New Works, so I saw both THE SECRET OF ROAN INISH and LONE STAR when they played indie theaters. I barely remember them, other than that I thought they were good, so I guess they weren’t the specific type of good that made a strong impression on me in those days. (They weren’t THE PHANTOM.)

Many still consider LONE STAR one of Sayles’ best, it’s in the Criterion Collection, and I was excited to revisit it as a more wisened, soon to be wizened being. Yeah, it’s a good movie, and I think I was probly much more interested in analyzing its themes than I was before. But I have to admit that it still gives me more of an academic “that was good, that was interesting” feeling than a heartfelt “god damn, I’m gonna watch that again.” Maybe if some of you love it you can talk me up on it. (read the rest of this shit…)

July 2nd, 2026 | 13 Comments »

Supergirl (2026)

SUPERGIRL is a fairly straight forward modern super hero movie, and I think a pretty good one, though (to quote the great philosopher Dalton) opinions vary. It follows SUPERMAN in James Gunn’s new Detective Comics Comics movie universe, but it’s directed by Craig Gillespie (FRIGHT NIGHT remake) and written by Ana Nogueira (an actress and playwright).

I, TONYA put Gillespie on the map, or at least is the credit people always put after his name, but I think what qualified him for this was CRUELLA, a movie I watched way after the fact and didn’t review but thought was a surprisingly stylish and clever version of the Misunderstood I.P. Villainess subgenre. Here he brings similar sensibilities to the sturdy foundation of the 2021 mini-series Supergirl: Woman of Tomorrow by writer Tom King and artist Bilquis Evely. Like THE MANDALORIAN AND GROGU this is a pretty humble, self-contained space western, specifically a space TRUE GRIT, though moreso in the comic (since it’s narrated by an adult version of the precocious young protagonist). After Ruthye (Eve Ridley) loses her entire family to scumbag brigands she goes to a saloon and offers a sword made by her late father (Ferdinand Kingsley, DRACULA UNTOLD) to whoever will help her track down his killer, Krem of the Yellow Hills (Matthias Schoenaerts, BLACK BOOK, RUST AND BONE, THE DROP, THE OLD GUARD). Kara Zor-El, street name Supergirl (Milly Alcock, UNTITLED TAKASHI MIIKE FILM) is there, and not interested, but drunkenly helps the girl not get robbed, so the next morning Krem steals her ship and shoots her flying dog Krypto with a poison dart. That’s how Supergirl and Ruthye end up traveling together on a space Greyhound. Supergirl needs to find Krem in three moonfalls to get the antidote to save Krypto; Ruthye tags along because she wants to kill Krem. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 30th, 2026 | 22 Comments »

The Hunchback of Notre Dame / Eraser

June 21, 1996

Today, as I try to catch up on my slightly lagging retrospective, I will take a look at two movies released on the same day a year and a week ago. One is a lavish Disney animated musical, the other a violent Arnold Schwarzenegger action vehicle, each of those art forms seemingly just a little past their peak. Both are about an unusual man trying to protect a woman from bad guys, and they were tied for the most expensive movie of 1996, having budgets of around $100 million.

Disney had experienced the wildly successful “new renaissance” streak of BEAUTY AND THE BEAST, ALADDIN and THE LION KING, followed by POCAHONTAS, which was a moneymaker, but not as much as its predecessors, and not as well reviewed (except by me). Now comes THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME, from BEAUTY AND THE BEAST directors Gary Trousdale & Kirk Wise. Like POCAHONTAS it’s very Broadway influenced and addresses surprisingly heavy topics for a fuckin G-rated cartoon. It had a bigger budget and the animation is more showy, but in my opinion not nearly as appealing. With the villain in particular it kinda looks like they’re trying to do PRINCE OF EGYPT era Dreamworks but don’t quite know the style.

I’m speaking of the cruel, sexually repressed, genocidal Judge Claude Frollo (Tony Jay, TWINS), who is engaged in a bigoted crusade against the Romani people in Paris. In the opening scene he kills a fleeing immigrant holding a deformed baby. The archdeacon (David Ogden Stiers, BETTER OFF DEAD…, DOC HOLLYWOOD) witnesses the whole thing and guilts him into not dumping the baby in a well, instead agreeing to raise him as his own, by which he means name him Quasimodo and lock him in the bell tower of the cathedral. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 26th, 2026 | 15 Comments »

Switchblade Sisters

SWITCHBLADE SISTERS is from 1975, but I’m considering it Slam Evil Summer, because it was re-released June 15, 1996, thanks to Quentin Tarantino’s fandom and his label Rolling Thunder Pictures. It’s directed by Jack Hill (SPIDER BABY, COFFY, FOXY BROWN), and it’s his penultimate movie as a director (the last being SORCERESS in 1982).

I did not see this in a theater, I had to wait to rent the VHS, but it must’ve been a great time with the right audience. It starts off so strong with the wah-wah infused theme song “Black Hearted Woman” playing over a documentary-style black and white photo montage of tough ladies in a world of boarded up houses covered in graffiti. Establishing the landscape.

And then it says “Music by MEDUSA”? What kind of badass group is that!? (Apparently it’s frequent Roger Corman composer and lounge music pioneer Les Baxter.) I’m not sure who took the photos, but the credited title designer is Bill Levey, director of BLACKENSTEIN and MONACO FEVER. His IMDb bio says he was childhood friends with James Dean, hung out with Elvis and discovered Patrick Swayze (who he directed in SKATETOWN U.S.A.).

(read the rest of this shit…)

June 25th, 2026 | 1 Comment »

Disclosure Day

DISCLOSURE DAY is not related to the 1994, Seattle-set reverse sexual harassment/VR thriller starring Michael Douglas called DISCLOSURE, it’s merely Steven Spielberg (WAR HORSE) attempting to ride that film’s coattails. Also it’s his late career return to the subject of beings from other worlds, this time not dealing with close encounters or wars of but with how humanity as a whole handles the knowledge of their existence.

I went to this assuming I would like it because it’s Spielberg, but knowing that a movie with the same trailers and a no-name director probly wouldn’t have even gotten me into the theater. It didn’t look that exciting to me, so I was impressed to be immediately thrown into a conflict already in progress. Dr. Daniel Kellner (the mastermind himself, Josh O’Connor, CHALLENGERS) has already stolen secret files and “the device” from his employers, who have retaliated by kidnapping his girlfriend Jane (Maid Marian herself, Eve Hewson, BRIDGE OF SPIES), and are attempting an exchange. He manages to use this small extra-terrestrial object to escape with Jane and call his contact Hugo (Unicron himself, Colman Domingo, ZOLA) before going to hide out at a convent under the watch of Sister Maura (40-year-old Mattie Ross herself, Elizabeth Marvel, G20). (read the rest of this shit…)

June 24th, 2026 | 23 Comments »

Carolina Caroline

This may be shocking to hear, but the entertainment industry in my opinion employs a high number of attractive people. And by my estimation Samara Weaving (AZRAEL) is one of the ones who excel even among that group. Add to that the fact that she came up through horror (Ash vs. Evil Dead, READY OR NOT) and doesn’t seem to have turned her back on it, plus she’s funny and almost always picks movies that seem like something I would watch, whether or not they end up being worthy of her, so she’s a real human being who seems like some nerd could’ve WEIRD SCIENCEd her into reality. Being too good to be true was even part of the premise of THE BABYSITTER, where she exploited the heterosexual vulnerabilities of the teenage protagonist as well as anyone who may or may not be watching at home who is impressed by her BILLY JACK fandom. And now she seems to be on a crime movie kick! Fellas, are we being catfished?

I hope I can confess those feelings without being diminishing of her talents, because she’s also very good at what she does, and her new one CAROLINE CAROLINE is no exception. This is a little different from what we usually see from her, even her last one EENIE MEANIE, because it’s the type of crime movie that wants to be more like BADLANDS than like TRUE ROMANCE. It could exist even if Tarantino had never made a movie. (Not that that would be a fair trade off.) (read the rest of this shit…)

June 22nd, 2026 | 3 Comments »

The Cable Guy

June 14, 1996

THE CABLE GUY was, somehow, a divisive movie. It’s such a good idea: what if you slipped the guy hooking up your cable some extra money to give you the pay channels for free, and then he felt entitled to be your friend, and you couldn’t get rid of him? And what if he was an over-the-top goofball Jim Carrey but it played out like a SINGLE WHITE FEMALE or CAPE FEAR type suspense thriller? It’s very funny, but directed like a real thriller by Ben Stiller (following his debut REALITY BITES), so it turns out it wasn’t what most of society expected or desired from Carrey after his run of ACE VENTURA, THE MASK, DUMB AND DUMBER, BATMAN FOREVER and ACE VENTURA 2. We’ll get into that a little more later, but for now, fuck ‘em. They were wrong, obviously.

Steven Kovacs (Matthew Broderick, WARGAMES, THE LION KING) is newly separated from his girlfriend Robin (Leslie Mann, LAST MAN STANDING), having freaked her out by proposing. So he has a new apartment and needs the cable hooked up and it’s his buddy Rick (Jack Black, WATERWORLD) who suggests bribing the guy, which is not really Steven’s way, but he does it anyway. Great idea, Rick.

The cable guy says his name is Ernie “Chip” Douglas, acts like he’s caressing a nipple when he finds the “sweet spot” to drill into the wall, intuits that Steven is dealing with a breakup, likes to say “I’m just messin with ya” and “I’m just jerkin yer chain,” and pressures him into hanging out the next day. Then he brings him to sit on top of the city’s satellite dish, the place where he goes to think, to talk about the future of cable and internet. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 18th, 2026 | 23 Comments »

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