"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

Dancin’ – It’s On!

I found out there was a 2015 movie called DANCIN’ – IT’S ON!, so obviously I had to see it. Primarily for the title, secondarily due to my affection for modern dance-off movies, thirdarily because it co-stars Gary Daniels (FIST OF THE NORTH STAR) and is co-written by David A. Prior (KILLER WORKOUT). I’m happy to say that it lives up to the goofiness you’d hope for from that combination of factors and is also more interesting than expected.

My favorites of the genre are STEP UP 2 THE STREETS and STEP UP 3, both directed by Jon M. Chu. Those have just the right mix of ludicrousness and actual style, cleverness and dancing. At times there could be debate about how much you’re laughing with it and how much you’re laughing at it, but it doesn’t really matter because you get caught up in the whole joyous spirit of the thing. DANCIN’ – IT’S ON! is definitely a cheaper, less cool and less competent version of that type of experience, with a cast made up of So You Think You Can Dance contestants, most of whom have not acted before or since, and give some very stiff line readings. But all of those things, combined with an element of sincerity I’ll get into later, make it a really fun time.
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Dracula Untold

If DRACULA UNTOLD isn’t forgotten, then it’s kind of notorious. From what I remembered it was the start of the Dark Universe, the planned shared universe of action-oriented Universal Monster reboots. The public scoffed at that whole idea, then everybody (besides me) hated THE MUMMY and the whole thing got scrapped and became a punchline.

But it wasn’t originally intended to be part of that anyway. The script had been around for a while. I remember reading about it years earlier when it was gonna be an Alex Proyas movie called DRACULA: YEAR ZERO. Sam Worthington was to star. It wasn’t about starting anything, it was about prequelizing Dracula as a thrilling 21st century fantasy adventure character – to give the iconic cape-wearer a heroic backstory, or at least good intentions and motives. Basically it asks what if before he was the Count we all know, he was what I call a Fantasy Sword Dude: the pretty cool, unevenly charismatic hero of a digital era studio b-movie. (read the rest of this shit…)

I did Larry’s podcast!

Longtime commenter Sternshein has a podcast called Reel Early where he talks to people about their history of movie love. I had a great time finally having a conversation with him, and we talked about video stores, working as a projectionist, writing reviews and other stuff. I talked about a few parts of my life I haven’t talked about before – sorry if it ruins my mystique. But check out the podcast, there are some good episodes with other people you’ve seen around here like Fred Topel and Mark Palermo. Thanks Larry, I had a great time!

 

 

Emilia Pérez

I watched EMILIA PÉREZ before the Golden Globes, because it was the movie with the most nominations. I figured that was a Globes-specific Netflix-is-good-at-marketing situation, because I’d only ever seen it trashed online, and not a single non-critic I talked to had even heard of it, even though it had been available on Netflix for months. But this morning the Oscar nominations were announced and it’s in the lead with 13 nominations, tying OPPENHEIMER, among others. Only ALL ABOUT EVE, TITANIC and LA LA LAND ever got 14. So oh jesus, I better finish this review and get it over with before The Discourse™ gets even dicier.

See, this is a touchy subject because it has made history by earning its star Karla Sofía Gascón a Best Actress nomination – the first ever for a trans woman – so I imagine as we speak word is spreading among bigots that they have always cared deeply about the fairness of women’s arts awards. And yet much of the criticism I’ve heard comes from trans critics. Note that it also tied most movies throughout history for the least GLAAD Awards nominations (zero). (read the rest of this shit…)

Wolf Man (2025)

WOLF MAN is an event not just because it’s a new wolf man but because it’s the fourth movie directed by Leigh Whannell, the last two being UPGRADE and THE INVISIBLE MAN. As with the latter, he’s working with Blumhouse to do a mid-budget modern take on one of the classic monsters (this time co-writing with his wife Corbett Tuck).

His version takes place in a mountainous part of Oregon where very few people live. In 1995, a hiker disappears there, and the locals claim to have spotted him suffering from some kind of disease. (I like that this turns him into a local legend like the Wild Man of the Navidad or the North Pond hermit.)

Grady Lovell (Sam Jaeger, LUCKY NUMBER SLEVIN) is a serious hunter, possibly survivalist, definitely very intense, living off the grid in a little cabin in the woods. He brings his son Blake (Zac Chandler) hunting and is always yelling at him to pay attention to his lessons about how dangerous the world is and shit. They get separated chasing a deer and Blake gets a glimpse of… well, you know. They end up hiding in a deer blind listening to an unseen beast tearing up their deer. That night Blake hears his dad talking to someone on the CB about what he saw. He told his kid it was a bear, but he knows it was something else. Or maybe he’s crazy. That would be fair to assume. (read the rest of this shit…)

Red Rooms

I watched the 2023 Canadian film RED ROOMS (Les chambres rouges) on Shudder, but come to think of it it’s not exactly a horror movie. It’s kind of more harsh than that. It’ an extremely unsettling character drama, maybe a thriller, about the trial of a man accused of horrific child murders live on webcam. We thankfully don’t have to see any of the violence, but the images created in our mind are worse, described with a true crime bluntness rather than genre flair. I would not say this is a fun movie.

It takes its sweet time rolling out what it will be about, or even what form it will take. One of the first scenes is a long unbroken shot of the judge’s introduction and the opening statements from both sides. It goes on long enough that I genuinely started to think the whole movie would be the trial – a new gimmicky format to put alongside mockumentary, found footage and screen time. A story told through testimony.

That’s not actually what it is, and even before it breaks we can see that the focus is on one of the court room observers, Kelly-Anne (Juliette Gariépy, BOOST). The camera rotates around but keeps coming back to her reactions, and what she’s looking at in the room. Later we learn that she sleeps on the street every morning to get a good place in line, like it’s the first showing of THE PHANTOM MENACE, or a Taylor Swift concert. When reporters try to interview her leaving she shoos them away, though another observer, Clémentine (Laurie Babin, THE LITTLE GIRL WHO WAS TOO FOND OF MATCHES) is happy to tell them about all the conspiracies and injustices against poor Ludovic Chevalier (Maxwell McCabe-Lokos, LAND OF THE DEAD), who has kind eyes, she says. (To me he looks like a creep, but I only know him in the context of wearing an orange jumpsuit behind plexiglass examining his fingernails while people accuse him of atrocities.) (read the rest of this shit…)

Flow

FLOW (Straume) is another one of those animated features I ask for sometimes, the type that respects the medium enough to do something one-of-a-kind instead of just making up some cartoon guys and grafting them onto one of the handful of available formulas. This one is from Latvia but there’s no dubbed vs. subtitled issue because (hey, kinda like ROBOT DREAMS) it has no dialogue. It’s about a cat and some other animals wandering around, they are only anthropomorphized in the sense that they eventually pick up some unlikely talents like controlling the rudder of a boat. They’re 3-D computer animated in realistic settings but their designs are a bit stylized, lo-res almost. A style that looks great on a budget.

It follows a cat who’s out in a forest when he sees a pack of dogs catching, then fighting over, a fish. He makes the short-sighted choice to take the fish and run off, so he gets chased. There is fleeing and hiding, he seems to get away, and then the dogs are charging at him… past him. Oh shit, what are they running from?

Well, it’s a deer stampede. This poor cat almost gets Mufasa’d, it’s terrifying. And what are the deer running from? Turns out to be a tsunami. It’s kind of a disaster movie, I guess – an ensemble of animals getting thrown together in a situation and trying to survive.
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Apartment 7A

I checked around, and unless somebody’s lying to me it seems nobody asked for there to be a straight-to-Paramount+ prequel to ROSEMARY’S BABY. But it’s okay – nobody asked for a prequel to THE OMEN, they did one anyway, and it was quite good. Sometimes there is still decency in the world, and sometimes in religious-themed horror late-prequels as well.

APARTMENT 7A is directed by Natalie Erika James (RELIC), screen story by Skylar James, screenplay by Natalie Erika James & Christian White and Skylar James, and it’s technically a Platinum Dunes production because they tried to do a remake in 2008 but honorably bowed out when they couldn’t come up with a good concept. Eventually this new batch came up with the idea of telling the story of Terry Gionoffrio (Julia Garner, SIN CITY: A DAME TO KILL FOR), the young neighbor Rosemary talked to in the laundry room. You may remember that Terry later experienced a major, uh… event, portending bad things for Rosemary (and gaining her a new necklace). (read the rest of this shit…)

Better Man

BETTER MAN is a musical biopic of Robbie Williams that came out last week, but according to Slash Film it’s already “the first big box office bomb of 2025,” “a certifiable, massive flop” and “at serious risk of becoming one of the biggest bombs of all time.” There are some theories that it could be because people in North America don’t know who Robbie Williams is, but I would argue that also maybe they don’t know why he’s portrayed in the movie by a realistic CG chimp. Or at least that’s one thing I wonder, and I’ve seen the movie (at a preview screening with friends who are fans and said it might be because he has a song called “Me and My Monkey”?)

I was vaguely aware of the human version of Williams – he’s a British pop singer who in 2000 did the song “Rock DJ,” which I think is a good, catchy song even though I don’t approve of the rapping part, if that’s what it’s supposed to be. I had forgotten this but it had a really good video where he’s performing in a club, and slowly strips off all his clothes, then rips off his skin, then muscle, until he’s a skeleton. He’s throwing bloody chunks of himself-meat into the crowd and women are pretty excited about it. Now that I’ve seen the movie I know he was a guy from a boy band, so I can put together that that must’ve been the point when he goes solo and does something provocative to make us see him in a different light, like when Justin Timberlake did that Francis-Lawrence-directed “Cry Me a River” video where he’s a creeper. (read the rest of this shit…)

Speak No Evil (2024 remake)

The original 2022 Danish film SPEAK NO EVIL is such a merciless wringer of discomfort that late in the movie I still wasn’t sure if it would end up being a horror movie, and it didn’t matter. In fact, it’s almost a relief when things get dangerous because at least it ends the relentless social torture.

It’s about a couple with a young kid who meet another couple with a young kid while on vacation, they have some laughs together and later, back at home, one couple gets a letter from the other inviting them to come visit. They know it’s kinda crazy because they barely know them, but they decide to be spontaneous for once. (read the rest of this shit…)