"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

The Crow (2024)

Can you believe they finally really did it? They remade THE CROW! We don’t need to go into the whole litany of attempts, but they’ve been announcing versions of this for 16 years. And now they did it. And they released it.

The people I hear from online are, to put it mildly, not eager to welcome this new little birdy into the world. Many people hold the original 1994 movie, and sometimes the James O’Barr comic book it was based on, sacred. It’s a cool movie, people a little younger than me saw it as angsty teens, they feel connected to the soundtrack, and of course it’s a movie about tragedy that you can’t separate from the actual tragedy of Brandon Lee. There are people who instinctively pull out the torches and pitchforks for any remake announcement no matter what, but this one feels more religious, like when THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST came out.

It’s possible that’s an internet exclusive. When a real life friend brought up the remake a while back and I mentioned people being up in arms about it she was completely baffled. But now the reviews are out and critics too are acting like a pile of rotting garbage crawled out of a dumpster, rang their doorbell and asked if it could wear their favorite shirt. (It’s at 29 on Metacritic.) A movie as rejected and disreputable as its hero.

I’m posting from an undisclosed location, I know all the exits, I got my go-bag packed, so I’m gonna give it to you straight: I liked THE CROW (2024). Not just “it’s not as bad as they’re saying” – I honestly think it’s pretty good.
(read the rest of this shit…)

August 26th, 2024 | 43 Comments »

Corrina, Corrina

August 12, 1994

CORRINA, CORRINA is a nice comedy-drama that deals with grief, love and some heavy race and class issues in a very light, warm-hearted sort of way. Is that bad? We can talk about it later.

Manny Singer (Ray Liotta between NO ESCAPE and OPERATION DUMBO DROP) is a recently widowed jingle writer in suburban Los Angeles, 1959. His 9-year-old daughter Molly (Tina Majorino, also in the seal movie ANDRE this summer – sorry, I had to skip a few things) is so not-over-it she refuses to speak, but he’s gonna be screwed if he doesn’t return to work, so he looks for a housekeeper/nanny to stay home with her. After some misfires he ends up with Corrina Washington (Whoopi Goldberg, also in THE LION KING and [briefly] THE LITTLE RASCALS this summer), who seems cynical at first but of course forms an adorable bond with the kid.

In 1994 I wasn’t interested in things this cutesy, and never considered watching it. Now I’m a middle-aged cornball, so I found it moving to see Whoopi turn that little girl’s cartoonish pout into a giggle. Majorino has a pitch perfect deadpan for the non-speaking portions and then a timid little mouse voice when she does talk (spoiler). She breaks your heart when she lays in the grass with her dead mom’s dress laid out next to her, one hand in its pocket, or when Manny lies to a deliveryman that Mrs. Singer is in the bath tub and she lights up and runs to the bathroom to see her. Damn, Manny. What a fuck up. So then you’re primed for the opposite emotion when she notices her dad slipping and referring to Corrina as “your mother” and she doesn’t point it out but breaks into a huge, toothy grin. (read the rest of this shit…)

August 22nd, 2024 | 2 Comments »

Deadpool & Wolverine

As someone who enjoyed the first two DEADPOOL movies, and loved many of the X-MEN movies, especially LOGAN, and has feelings ranging from a soft spot to a great love for some of the other characters featured within, it’s easy to find mild to moderate amusement in DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE. There are chuckles. There are smiles. There are funny ideas. I had a pretty fun time.

It’s easy to forget what an underdog Ryan Reynolds (SMOKIN’ ACES) seemed like when the first DEADPOOL came out. He had stumbled in other comic book movies, even playing that same character in X-MEN’S ORIGINS OF THE WOLVERINE. But he kept pushing to turn it into something and after seven years of doubts he managed to get this R-rated, wise-cracky meta movie made. It felt new and refreshing at the time and it’s fair to say it was a phenomenon.

Eight years later it’s a whole different world. Deadpool is an overdog, his movie correctly predicted to make giant loads of cash in a summer when actual great movies did not. Reynolds is on his third full Deadpool movie, with plenty of non-Deadpool ain’t-I-a-stinker performances in between. Admittedly I didn’t watch most of those, but I did see the commercials, as well as the ones he does for the phone and gin companies he bought with his DEADPOOL money. You see quite a bit of Ryan Reynolds these days, whether you’re looking for him or not.

Also, the world has grown wary of super hero movies after they’ve dominated pop culture for so long, and after they’ve started to grow sloppier and less special. It’s supposed to be an event that corporate mergers have brought Fox character Deadpool to Disney’s Marvel Cinematic Universe, a franchise even gluttons like me are no longer that invested in. In the movie Deadpool tells Logan “Welcome to the MCU, you’re joining at a bit of a low point,” and it gets a big laugh because it’s undeniable.
(read the rest of this shit…)

August 20th, 2024 | 43 Comments »

Alien: Romulus

The first part of ALIEN: ROMULUS, after the prologue and as we’re being introduced to the characters and their situation, is about as transportive as I can ever expect from a sci-fi movie. The look and sound are stunning, and the sense of being thrown into a world that actually exists somewhere is overwhelming. Rain (Cailee Spaeny, PRISCILLA) and her brother Andy (David Jonsson) live on the mining colony Jackson’s Star. It’s a place that gets literally no sunlight, it’s crowded and dirty, and many of the workers (including their parents) die from some futuristic equivalent of black lung.

Today’s a big day, though – the day she thinks she can get a travel pass to sunny Yvago. Well, sorry, they tell her. The quotas have changed, she owes Weyland-Yutani more hours, another 5-6 years, approximately. Tough luck, kid. That’s Jackson’s Star for you. (read the rest of this shit…)

August 19th, 2024 | 66 Comments »

The People’s Joker

Do you know about THE PEOPLE’S JOKER? It’s an unauthorized, extremely D.I.Y. riff on DC Comics about a trans woman Joker/Harley Quinn combo (director/co-writer/editor Vera Drew) trying to make it as a comedian in Gotham City. I may not have ever known about it if not for it somehow premiering at the 2022 Toronto International Film Festival before receiving a firmly worded letter from Warner Brothers. After many cancelled screenings they somehow convinced the evil corporation that it was fair use/parody, the movie got a limited theatrical release and now it’s on VOD and on blu-ray and DVD from Altered Innocence. For THE PEOPLE!

I think the main reason it has lived beyond that initial grabbing of headlines is that beneath the gimmick and the many layers of goofiness it’s a very heartfelt autobiographical story about, among other things, coming of age as a trans woman. It’s dedicated “To Mom and Joel Schumacher,” and I strongly suspect that both the strained relationship with her mother (Lynn Downey) and the youthful confusion ignited by seeing Nicole Kidman in BATMAN FOREVER come from Drew’s real life. (read the rest of this shit…)

August 15th, 2024 | 20 Comments »

Twilight of the Warriors: Walled In

TWILIGHT OF THE WARRIORS: WALLED IN is the awkward title they ended up with for a movie that’s been in development for like 20 years (originally to be co-directed by John Woo and Johnnie To!) under the title KOWLOON WALLED CITY and DRAGON CITY and maybe some others. I’ve been waiting for it long enough that I already watched a movie called KOWLOON WALLED CITY on Hi-Yah! because I thought, “Oh shit – that finally came out!?” (That one was pretty fun too, I recommend it.)

This one is an event for many reasons, the main one for me being that it’s the latest from Soi Cheang, director of one of my favorite 21st century action movies, KILL ZONE 2, plus other movies I liked including SHAMO and MOTORWAY. The secondary reason is that he’s working with genius action director Kenji Tanigaki (RUROUNI KENSHIN, SAKRA), and the third is that one of the all time greats, Sammo Hung, plays a major character in it.

It’s the story of a refugee in Hong Kong named Lok (Raymond Lam, SAVING GENERAL YANG), who wins an underground fight trying to earn cash to buy a fake ID so he doesn’t get deported. The Triad boss running the fights, Mr. Big (Hung), is also the guy you go to for fake IDs, and when Lok turns down a job offer from him he gets screwed on that. (read the rest of this shit…)

August 14th, 2024 | 14 Comments »

The Little Rascals (plus Suburbia [1983])

August 5th, 1994

My friends, I hope you know me well enough to understand that I’m being sincere here, I’m not trying to show off with a wild take. The truth is I recently watched and enjoyed the movie THE LITTLE RASCALS. It kind of rules.

This was not an outcome I expected, or even considered. For the 30 years this movie has existed I’ve scoffed at it, assumed it was crap. Yes, it comes from director Penelope Spheeris, she of excellent punk rock documentaries. But I’m gonna have to pull out the Shaquille O’Neal “I wasn’t familiar with your game” quote here. I wasn’t showing the proper respect. I had some idea she lost it after WAYNE’S WORLD, because I thought BLACK SHEEP was kinda cheesy and all the rest seemed like things I wouldn’t like. I assumed this was some pablum for kids from an era where pablum for kids was extra bad. (See: 3 NINJAS KICK BACK.)

But here I am trying to watch most of the major movies of summer ’94, it was about the only situation where I was gonna give THE LITTLE RASCALS a shot, and almost immediately I realized I was probly gonna like it. It’s silly, it’s for kids, it might creep some people out by having children woo each other like they’re Popeye and Olive. But it made me laugh a whole bunch, it’s daring in the way it straight up does old Hal Roach shit and doesn’t try to conform to ‘90s expectations, it actually makes sense as part of the Spheeris filmography, and (most surprising to me) it’s artfully crafted. I guess mostly in the way that she could piece together a sensible movie with 95% of the cast being 5-7 year old non-actors, but also it’s a great looking movie! Credit to the transfer, which has a good level of film grain. I did not expect to watch THE LITTLE RASCALS 1994 and think “They don’t make ‘em like this anymore!” But here we are.

(read the rest of this shit…)

August 12th, 2024 | 21 Comments »

Airheads

August 5th, 1994

It seems kinda crazy now, but AIRHEADS was a movie I was excited for ahead of time. Other than a couple of bit parts, it was the first time I saw Steve Buscemi after RESERVOIR DOGS made him an icon. Adam Sandler was still on Saturday Night Live, his biggest movie role having been in THE CONEHEADS, so it seemed novel for him to be a co-star. And I wasn’t really familiar with Brendan Fraser so I hadn’t had a problem with any of his performances yet. More importantly, director Michael Lehmann’s HEATHERS is an important movie to me, he’d since done MEET THE APPLEGATES and HUDSON HAWK, both weird and interesting if not great, so he was a director I followed. And the premise of a rock band taking a radio station hostage to try to get their song played seemed like it had potential for, like, satire or something. I don’t know.

Then I saw it and forgot everything about it. I don’t think I was impressed, but I was sure now it would at least be more interesting as a time capsule. Yeah, I guess, arguably. (read the rest of this shit…)

August 8th, 2024 | 60 Comments »

Clear and Present Danger

August 3rd, 1994

More like CLEAR AND PRESZZZZzzzzzzz, am I right, guys?

Oh, am I wrong? Maybe I’m wrong. I’m not the best judge, because I’m a heathen when it comes to Jack Ryan. My dad loved Tom Clancy books, my wife and many of my friends consider THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER to be one of the all time greats, many people love this character, I just think that gene skipped me. But here we are most of the way through our revisit of the summer of ’94 and it feels like we’re low on traditional blockbusters, so I was kind of excited to see CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER. There are plenty of things to like about it, especially when discussing it, but unfortunately I found it mostly dull to watch compared to PATRIOT GAMES, which I somewhat enjoyed and respectfully labelled “Adult Contemporary Action.”

This, too, is for the older folks that want some of the fantasy of Exceptional Men Who Get Shit Done but without the classless excess of flying kicks or other cool shit. It begins by massaging the Adult Contemporary Action erogenous zones, showing people in uniforms operating various types of machinery on a submarine and a US Coast Guard vessel. The inciting incident is the Coast Guard boarding a suspicious yacht in the Caribbean and discovering its American businessman owner has been murdered by Colombians. Jack Ryan (Harrison Ford between THE FUGITIVE and SABRINA) is a CIA analyst who looks into it and discovers the American got offed by a cartel because he was laundering money for them and tried to embezzle some. (read the rest of this shit…)

August 7th, 2024 | 30 Comments »

Trap

TRAP is not only that style of rap where the beat sounds like a rattlesnake, it’s also the new M. Night Shyamalan joint, or “A NEW M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN EXPERIENCE,” as the poster puts it. It’s not one of his experiences that’s based around a big surprise, so don’t worry about that, but if by chance you don’t know the premise and would enjoy a silly thriller starring Boy Sweat Dave himself, Josh Hartnett, as a dorky dad taking his daughter to a concert, I recommend going in blind.

The rest of you may have seen the trailer, which gives us the first act reveal that Mr. Hartnett is here to finally fulfill his destiny as the dark-eyed nephew of Michael Myers (H20 timeline). As far as his kid Riley (Ariel Donoghue, BLUEBACK) knows he’s just Dad, Cooper Adams, who’s kind of embarrassing but she loves him and not just because he got her really good floor tickets to see her favorite singer Lady Raven (Saleka Night Shyamalan) to reward her for good grades. What she does not know is that he’s also the infamous serial killer known as The Butcher. And when he goes to the restroom he pulls out his phone to check the live feed of the guy he has chained up in a basement (Mark Bacolcol). (read the rest of this shit…)

August 6th, 2024 | 22 Comments »

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