This seems to be a slow time of year for Badass Cinema. For these last few months we’ve had everybody and their uncle waving their ass around trying to get Oscar’s attention. We’ve had some real quality pictures of course like The Limey and further back Fight Club, the type of pictures that ignore Oscars and Golden Globes altogether and go straight to the more credible awards presentations such as Vern’s motherfuckin Outlaw Awards 1999. And I suppose Bruce has a new one coming out this week where he plays some kind of comedy hitman or whatever, but I gotta be honest it looks like some kind of sitcom shit to me. I might check out this Pitch Black but even that is questionable because judging by what I’ve read about it and the commercials and what not, and based on my knowledge of cinematics, I feel there may be a problem with the mise-en-scene, as far as between the auteur and what I feel is a rather aggregious, uh — well, basically, because I’m broke.
SO, I have been planning very carefully for what my next picture to see in the theater would be, trying to make a decision I wouldn’t regret for the rest of my life, in case I’m broke for the rest of my life. You never know. So anyway a while back I decided on a picture by the name of Titus. Unfortunately many of you won’t be able to see this picture yet because it’s only playing in a few select cities, but then I’m not you so what do I care. Anyway I figured this would get me my money’s worth because 1) it’s only playing at the baddest theater in my area 2) it’s about 3 hours long, which in my opinion gets you more minute of screen time per cent paid for ticket 3) it is from a writer with a very good reputation, William Shakespeare, so it probaly won’t be more of this Scream 3 type of garbage and 4) it is supposed to be Mr. Shakespeare’s bloodiest picture. (read the rest of this shit…)
Hi there Cool Girl fans. My name is Vern and I gotta be honest and upfront about this, I am not a blond lady with big tits if that’s what your thinkin. One of my readers pointed me to that review Cool Girl did of Bruce Campbell’s show Jack of All Trades, and I don’t know if anyone else noticed this but there were naked pictures between the paragraphs. And I mean, hubba hubba, am I right? But I’m sorry to say there will be no naked pictures on my reviews and you REALLY won’t be getting a boner from them, sorry. Nope, I’m just a regular male type motherfucker seeking redemption for my past sins through Writing on the films of Cinema. Some may say that I don’t know of what the fuck I speak because, to be frankly honest, I was out of the picture for a while and missed alot of movies. Most of the ’90s in fact due to a fall I took for armed robbery and complications thereof. That is all in the past though and now in my opinion I am one of, if not THE, most important film Writers on the web, at least in my age group and social class and with my type of background, hair color etc.
This movie is a USA Original Picture on the USA cable network. Now you may be thinking that means its not a real movie, why is vern writing about it, it doesn’t matter. Well hear me out bud. I think it does matter. Yes, I think it does matter and I am going to tell you why. Because, my friend, this is a USA Original PIcture. And what that means, in my opinion, is that they are gonna rerun this movie forever. I mean what do you think their gonna play late at night, or early in the afternoon, or at 8:00 am or pm, when they need two hours to fill. Are they gonna play Teen Wolf? Just One of the Guys? X-Man?
Well ever since Scream 3 I have been trying to see bad sequels to movies I haven’t seen in the first place. And this one holds a particular specialness to me because it is a part 3 and I am a scholar of part 3s.
Well I don’t know if any of you saw this but there was a gal in my guestbook who Wrote that I shouldn’t date gals in their late teens and early 20s which I believe she said was disgusting on account of my age. Well the more teen movies I get hoodwinked into seeing by these young gals the more I agree with that sentiment. The latest is an embarassing load of shit by the name of Teaching Ms. Tingle.
This is a good picture by a Cinema Artist who knows what the fuck he’s doing but still it’s almost too much for ol’ Vern and I’m gonna tell you why. But hold on there bud I’ll get to that in a minute.
Well I have found that a lot of my readers have also come to love the films of the Bruce Willis Die Hard series. But I wonder how many of you are in the same situation as me. Die Hard comes out in 1988, you love it. Die Hard 2 comes out a couple years later, pretty fucking good. Die Hard part 3 comes out but wait a minute, you are incapacitated and/or incarcerated at the time and are not able to ever get around to seeing the thing until letterbox video in the year 2000.
Well ever since I got out I’ve been trying to catch up with all the pictures I missed while I was out of the picture. But the truth of the matter is I never saw all that many pictures before I got in either. So I figure why only review new and recent movies, if I want to be a real film Writer I gotta study the classics.
WARNING: This unfinished review here was written in the year 2000 when I was young and stupid. I’m leaving it here for the comments, for historical purposes and for my own accountability, but please if you’re just looking for a review of HARD TARGET read 
This is a cartoon but its not for kids and its not Japanese. If you don’t know in japan the cartoons are not only for kids, there is also demon raping, etc.
