Remember M.A.N.T.I.S.? It was a 1994 Fox TV show that only lasted one season. It was about paralyzed-from-the-waist-down scientist Miles Hawkins (Carl Lumbly), who builds an exo-skeleton that allows him to not only walk again but to have super strength and also jump high. The first time he tries it out in public he happens to see a woman getting attacked, so he intervenes and kicks some ass, and that gives him the crimefighting bug.
Get it? I said bug, because he’s called MANTIS and I guess he sorta looks like one with the metal helmet with a giant bluetooth on each side like mandibles.
Seven months before the TV show though there was a pilot TV movie (fortunately included on the complete series DVD), which was pretty different and much more watchable. I can’t pretend it plays like a real movie – like the The Flash TV show of a few years earlier it is kinda sad to see a low budget TV crew in Vancouver try to compete with the incredible production design of Tim Burton’s BATMAN – but having recently watched those ROBOCOP TV shows I’m able to appreciate this for what it is: something that is way better than those ROBOCOP TV shows. (read the rest of this shit…)
ARGO is based on an amazing true story, recently declassified and told in this great Wired article. During the Iran hostage crisis, it turns out, the CIA managed to rescue a group of stranded American workers using an unusual cover story: they were part of a Canadian film crew scouting exotic locations for a STAR WARS inspired sci-fi fantasy epic. John Chambers, the genius makeup artist behind the PLANET OF APES series (and played by John Goodman here), had done “some contract work” for the CIA according to the article (let’s hope he gets a whole series of MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE style thrillers) and helped to set up real Hollywood producers and offices for the fake movie. The now-worshipped-by-nerds comic book artist Jack Kirby (seen only in a cameo here, played by DEATH WISH V’s Michael Parks) provided the artwork that they used as pre-production set and costume designs. (read the rest of this shit…)
No man, I don’t got a problem. I just watch Michael Bay movies recreationally. I don’t gotta watch them when I wake up or nothin. It’s just every once in a while. I only watched PEARL HARBOR ’cause I was doing all the summer of 2001 movies. And TRANSFORMERS 3 because I thought it would be funny. Then people said I should watch this one. It’s not a big deal, man. That’s not that many. You don’t know what you’re talking about.
This is the kind of story that’s best to go in dark and just watch how things unfold. But I’m gonna have to describe some of it to explain the movie. At the start Jimmy (David Caruso) is on parole, he’s got a young daughter, and he and his wife (Helen Hunt) are both recovering alcoholics. She got a babysitter so they could go to a meeting together but he didn’t know that was the plan so he already went to a meeting by himself earlier. While he stays home watching the baby his cousin Ronnie (Michael Rappaport) shows up and begs him to come drive a truck loaded with stolen cars. Jimmy tries to throw Ronnie out (“I could go to jail just for talking to you”) but Ronnie has a broken finger and convinces his cousin that somebody’s gonna kill him if he doesn’t find a driver. And Jimmy’s the last on the list. (read the rest of this shit…)
This is a good picture by a Cinema Artist who knows what the fuck he’s doing but still it’s almost too much for ol’ Vern and I’m gonna tell you why. But hold on there bud I’ll get to that in a minute.
The movie starts out with the song “One is the Loneliest Number” and maybe it’s just me but I don’t think it’s a coincidence that every one of the motherfuckers in this movie is lonely as hell. You got the divorced cop who drives around talking to himself about his job pretending he’s on COPS. You got the young coke snorting gal who sleeps with older dudes like myself and enstranges from her parents. You got her dad, the game show host dying of cancer; you got the TV brainiac kid that hates answering questions, the former brainiac that wants braces for god knows why, the old man on his deathbed, his emotionally unstable young wife, his nurse… I mean I could go on all day but you might as well just see the thing and make a list of all the characters yourself. I mean hell I know I’m Writing a review here but you can’t expect miracles out of me jesus. (read the rest of this shit…)
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if that's your thing:
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(NOTE: My ten year contract has passed on the Titan books, so I don't get residuals on them like I do WORM ON A HOOK and NIKETOWN, but I would love for you to read them because I'm proud of them)
EXTRA CREDIT: Review them on Amazon! That would really help me out. Unless you didn't like them, in which case forget I said anything.
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Tell your friends about my reviews and my books and everything. Only cool people though please, we don't need a bunch of suckers and/or chumps around here.
THANKS EVERYBODY. YOUR FRIEND, VERN
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Recent commentary and jibber-jabber
CJ Holden on The Nutty Professor (1996): “Two positive things I have to say about the sequel, which is one of the most mean spirited, nasty and…” Jul 7, 01:29
Mr. Majestyk on The Nutty Professor (1996): “I never saw this one. And not by accident. I took one look at it and said, “Well, this Eddie…” Jul 6, 19:18
Alex R on The Nutty Professor (1996): “Dooley— The issue there, for me at least, is fat people being treated terribly in art. There are plenty of…” Jul 6, 18:23
Dooley the Gravedigger on The Nutty Professor (1996): “I think this is a well argued review, like all of Vern’s stuff, but since Sherman Klump isn’t a real…” Jul 6, 18:00
KayKay on The Nutty Professor (1996): “Not jumping on the “Ooo this sooo bad” bandwagon. A perfectly okayish Murphy movie, who like John Travolta has had…” Jul 6, 16:26
jojo on The Nutty Professor (1996): “As many have noted, this movie isn’t very good. But I’m glad you highlighted the fact it probably has some…” Jul 6, 15:05
Alex R on The Nutty Professor (1996): “I didn’t realize until reading this review that the movie was based on an idea Russell Simmons passed on to…” Jul 6, 14:11
Tim Bobo on The Nutty Professor (1996): “While huge hits, I feel like these Nutty Professors movies were the real downfall of Eddie. I wish we would…” Jul 6, 13:27
Muh on Striptease: “I love a good comedic crime movie, but none of this one comes together. The Razzies are annoying but if…” Jul 6, 13:23
Muh on The Nutty Professor (1996): “This movie is shit, the only good scene is Buddy Love taking down Chappelle. That just feels like the last…” Jul 6, 13:18
RRA on Striptease: “I remember when this came out, her then-husband Bruce Willis went on Letterman and did a sketch “supporting” her by…” Jul 6, 13:15
Franchise Fred on Striptease: “KayKay, not to mention a year after the absolute worst literary adaptation of all time. Turning The Scarlett Letter into…” Jul 6, 13:13
Franchise Fred on The Nutty Professor (1996): “Your analysis of the COMEDY made me laugh several times. Brian Banks wasn’t a football movie. It was about the…” Jul 6, 12:55
Dreadguacamole on The Nutty Professor (1996): ““Motherfucker, you can’t have your cake and make fun of someone for eating the cake too.” Just wanted to single…” Jul 6, 12:31
Lorin on The Nutty Professor (1996): “I remember watching this on video shortly after it came out and thinking it was funny but not some kind…” Jul 6, 09:54
ARGO is based on an amazing true story, recently declassified and told in 
No man, I don’t got a problem. I just watch Michael Bay movies recreationally. I don’t gotta watch them when I wake up or nothin. It’s just every once in a while. I only watched 
This is the kind of story that’s best to go in dark and just watch how things unfold. But I’m gonna have to describe some of it to explain the movie. At the start Jimmy (David Caruso) is on parole, he’s got a young daughter, and he and his wife (Helen Hunt) are both recovering alcoholics. She got a babysitter so they could go to a meeting together but he didn’t know that was the plan so he already went to a meeting by himself earlier. While he stays home watching the baby his cousin Ronnie (Michael Rappaport) shows up and begs him to come drive a truck loaded with stolen cars. Jimmy tries to throw Ronnie out (“I could go to jail just for talking to you”) but Ronnie has a broken finger and convinces his cousin that somebody’s gonna kill him if he doesn’t find a driver. And Jimmy’s the last on the list. 
This is a good picture by a Cinema Artist who knows what the fuck he’s doing but still it’s almost too much for ol’ Vern and I’m gonna tell you why. But hold on there bud I’ll get to that in a minute.
