THE MINISTRY OF UNGENTLEMANLY WARFARE is the new Guy Ritchie picture, and that title sounds like some Matthew Vaughn KINGSMAN type fantasy-secret-agency shit, but it’s a real thing, based on a true story. They say that at the beginning of the movie but I thought, “Yeah, uh huh, ‘true story,’ thanks Guy Ritchie,” so I was surprised when at the end they showed pictures of the real people. Oh shit, you were serious?

Yeah, of course it’s heavily fictionalized, but not as much as I’d assumed. The main characters are at least named after specific real people who really were on a WWII-era British special ops mission called Operation Postmaster, in which an undercover agent from the Special Operations Executive (SOE) threw a party on the Spanish island of Fernando Po to distract German officers and Spanish merchants while commandos snuck into neutral territory and stole the ships they used to deliver supplies to the Axis powers.

This isn’t serious Guy Ritchie (like last year’s surprisingly great THE COVENANT), it’s flippant Guy Ritchie, a fun time watching big handsome men sneak around massacring Nazis. The leader is Gus March-Phillipps, played by Superman himself Henry Cavill (HELLRAISER: HELLWORLD), and he always gets to say snappy British guy things dryly underplaying what’s going down. He sounds like a guy who would give James Bond a briefing, but he’s playing the actual guy James Bond is maybe kinda inspired by. In fact Ian Fleming is a character in the movie, played by Freddie Fox (Paul W.S. Anderson’s THREE MUSKETEERS). As in real life, he’s a naval intelligence officer who helps plan the mission. And of course he introduces himself as “Fleming. Ian Fleming.” They kinda had to do it.

(The screenplay is credited to Paul Tamasy [AIR BUD] & Eric Johnson [THE FIGHTER] & Arash Amel [HIDDEN STRIKE] and Ritchie.)

It’s great to see Cavill being charming again (as he was in THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E., honestly one of my favorite Ritchie movies), but the biggest scene stealer, probly figuratively and definitely literally, is Reacher himself, Alan Ritchson (DARK WEB: CICADA 3301) as Anders Lassen. His arms are so cartoonishly huge I wonder if he’s going to have to lose some muscle to play Reacher again, and then he wears little round spectacles and (kind of) does an accent. He also seems to indicate he enjoys men, but might not be serious. We do know he enjoys killing to such an extent that the others find it sort of amusing. His main weapon is arrows, which he’s able to shoot all the way through one guy and then a second guy and then into a solid surface. But when he needs to he gets in close and, in one scene, cuts a guy’s heart out and is standing there casually holding it. My favorite bit with him is when he’s cornered on a boat and savagely chops up some dudes with an ax. When he’s done he realizes the others are watching through the window in the door and he gives them a little “hey guys!” wave with the bloody blade of the ax.

If you want someone less He-Man on the team you’ll be happy to know there’s a GI Joe – Snake Eyes himself Henry Golding (A SIMPLE FAVOR) as explosives expert/enthusiast “Freddy the Frogman” Alvarez. The ultimate smooth charmer who enjoys blowing up fortresses and warships and shit.

There’s a young Irish sailor on the team named Henry Hayes (Hero Fiennes Tiffin, THE WOMAN KING) and I kinda felt bad for him because he’s probly used to being the center of attention but surrounded by these guys he seems like just a normal random dude they pulled off the streets. But I’m sure he was happy just to get to hang out with them, go on a boat trip, kill Nazis, etc.

One thing I got a kick out of is that the head of the SOE (who calls in Gus in a funny scene where he’s way less interested in the mission than in mooching as much expensive Scotch and cigars as possible) is played by Cary Elwes (NEVER ON TUESDAY), who did the exact same “everyone hates you because you’re a huge fucking pain in the ass but I and only I understand your greatness so I’m making them, under protest and against their better judgment, put you on this dangerous mission” shtick in Ritchie’s not-very-good OPERATION FORTUNE: RUSE DE GUERRE. I hope Elwes just continually plays versions of this character in all Guy Ritchie movies for now on. If Ritchie ever makes a sequel to ALADDIN Elwes can be all “listen Aladdin, I’m not looking for a prince, this is a job for a street rat,” and Aladdin will say how he’ll only do it if he can bring in his own guys, because he knows the best monkey pickpocket and flying carpet in the business.

That’s basically what Gus does, he says he won’t do it without this guy Geoffrey “Apple” Appleyard (Alex Pettyfer, MAGIC MIKE) to mastermind it. But Elwes (whose character is nicknamed M, by the way) says they knew he’d say that so they already sent him ahead but he got captured by the Gestapo and is being tortured in the Canary Islands. That’s okay, Gus says, it’s on the way. So on this dangerous mission there’s a bonus sub-dangerous mission where they walk into this Nazi base and fairly effortlessly massacre everyone there to get to their friend. Arrows, machine guns, commandeered gunning station. For as long as they can they time all their shots to be masked by the sounds of a truck engine revving. Doesn’t seem necessary, but gets them extra points in the fun little game they’re playing.

An obvious precedent for modern Nazi-killing men-on-a-mission movies is INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS, and though I’d hardly call this a ripoff it’s pretty shameless about following in Tarantino’s footsteps. The score by Christopher Benstead (Ritchie’s guy since THE GENTLEMEN) immediately goes into spaghetti western mode – gee, I wonder where they got that idea. I’m not complaining, though – it’s a really cool score, so authentic in its retro/Italian sounds that I sometimes wondered if it was reconstituted like Tarantino’s was. (It’s mostly new, though there’s a part where they used the crunchy, badass guitars from Lalo Schifrin’s DIRTY HARRY.)

There’s a whole other thread happening on the island as Gus and friends make their way there on a fishing boat trying not to get arrested or killed. Mr. Heron (Babs Olusanmokun, WRATH OF MAN) is the agent who’s been there for a while running a gambling den. Semi-famous actress and singer Marjorie Stewart (Eiza González, BLOODSHOT) is his secret accomplice, whose job is to get close to SS Commander Heinrich Luhr (Til Schweiger – oh, what do you know? He was in INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS. What are the chances?). They have preparations to make, they find out information that changes the mission, they almost get caught, all kinds of drama.

I was excited to see Olusanmokun, who I know as Dr. M’Benga from Star Trek: Strange New Worlds. Only this week did I learn from Vyce Victus that he’s also a champion and black belt in Brazilian jiujitsu! He had a significant role in DUNE PART ONE but I was so happy that here he really is one of the main characters.

The team also recruit an African prince turned pirate (Danny Sapani, THE OXFORD MURDERS) to provide backup. I like that everybody pretty much trusts each other and enjoys each other’s company. Dramatic but easy-going, a pretty standard Guy Ritchie tone. I think some people may appreciate that Ritchie keeps the drawstring on his bag of stylistic tricks mostly tight. Nothing too tricky in the chronology, not too show-offy with the camerawork, light on the speed-ramping, no crazy nicknames for the lads, none of those touches like the giant elephants or modern allusions in KING ARTHUR: LEGEND OF THE SWORD where you think “Is he allowed to do that in this?”

I’m saying that like it’s a compliment but actually I’d be more excited about it if it was more of an “only Guy Ritchie would ever make something like this” type of situation. But I guess it’s fair to say somebody else wouldn’t have made it the same. Jerry Bruckheimer produced it, and you certainly wouldn’t mistake it for any of his other guys. It’s not generic, it’s just toned down, without feeling like brand new territory for the director either.

I also don’t think this is a movie with a whole lot of substance to it. It’s saying that these “ungentlemanly” tactics stopped the Nazis, but obviously it’s not a deep or serious exploration of their morality or consequences in other situations. The movie’s pleasures are simple, and there was a point where I felt it was becoming repetitive – okay, I get it, you killed those guys, they didn’t see it coming, then you made light of it. But shortly after I started to feel that way the clock started ticking more furiously, things started going wrong, and the pressure was on to maneuver around and make it work. So it succeeds as a light-hearted, anti-Nazi mission movie, a superior remake of OPERATION FORTUNE, and a 21st century take on THE DIRTY DOZEN where they’re prisoners at the end instead of the beginning (admittedly not as cool). I love that this whole mission is about stopping the Nazis from delivering carbon dioxide filters to their U-boats. Little things matter.

It’s definitely tempting to groan when the title is said out loud by Winston Churchill (special guest appearance by Al Jourgensen from the band Ministry [just kidding it’s Rory Kinnear, the men from MEN]). But I kinda liked that scene. And I read that Churchill really did describe the team that way, so I think we should allow it.

It’s based on a book by historian Damien Lewis, and the full title is The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare: How Churchill’s Secret Warriors Set Europe Ablaze and Gave Birth to Modern Black Ops, but I think it was originally published as Churchill’s Secret Warriors: The Explosive True Story of the Special Forces Desperadoes of WWII. I don’t think CHURCHILL’S SECRET WARRIORS would be as good of a title. Maybe SPECIAL FORCES DESPERADOES OF WWII. Thank you for your forces, desperadoes of WWII.