"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

The Ugly Stepsister

THE UGLY STEPSISTER (Den Stygge Stesøsteren) is a 2025 movie from Norway, available on Shudder. If I’d seen it somewhere else I don’t know if I’d think of it as a horror movie exactly – more like a dark period drama with some magic, some blood, and some puke. But I’ve seen people call it “body horror,” and it’s the rare movie I’ve seen described that way that isn’t very Cronenbergian, so I support that. I read in Fangoria that the director calls it “beauty horror.” It has also been compared quite a bit to THE SUBSTANCE, and that’s nice because the similarities are all thematic. Otherwise they’re very different movies.

Confession: it took me embarrassingly long to put together that this is literally a retelling of Cinderella and not just making an allusion to it with that title. Let me say this: this ain’t your grandpa’s Cinderella! But it’s cool that your grandpa has his own version of Cinderella that he likes, I respect that.

The story centers on Elvira (Lea Myren), oldest daughter of Rebekka (Ane Dahl Torp, DEAD SNOW), who is about to remarry to older widower Otto (Ralph Carlsson), but during the wedding celebration he suddenly drops dead. While trying to comfort Otto’s daughter Agnes (Thea Sofie Loch Næss, THE LAST KING), Elvira learns that both partners thought the other was rich and were trying to marry for the money. Since younger sister Alma (Flo Fagerli) hasn’t had her period yet it now falls upon Elvira to save the family by marrying a prince. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 18th, 2025 | 2 Comments »

The Last Showgirl

In the tradition of THE LAST STARFIGHTER, THE LAST WITCH HUNTER and THE LAST SAMURAI comes THE LAST SHOWGIRL (2024). This is a simple movie, and the kind of thing I probly wouldn’t have heard of if there hadn’t been talk about it being an awards contender and surprise comeback for a once hugely famous actress who pretty much never got any critical respect in her heyday. Pamela Anderson (BARB WIRE) is outstanding in the title role, and it has a meta quality to it since it’s about coming to terms with aging in an industry that mostly appreciated her as a sex object.

She plays Shelly, 57-year-old cast member of a long-running show on the Vegas Strip called Le Razzle Dazzle. She’s been in the show since the ‘80s and is kind of a friend/mother figure to some of her younger co-stars, Jodie (Kiernan Shipka, LONGLEGS, RED ONE) and Mary-Anne (Brenda Song, “Hostage Child,” BLADE). They also hang out with a grizzled former showgirl now working as a cocktail waitress at one of the casinos, Annette (Jamie Lee Curtis, BLUE STEEL). Both Shelly and Annette seem to be sort of delusionally hanging onto jobs they’ve aged out of, but they’re proud to be able to be the o.g.s offering advice to the new generation. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 17th, 2025 | 5 Comments »

Diablo (2025)

I’ve been a broken record about this for quite a few years now, but Marko Zaror (who hails from Santiago, Chile) is one of the best and most interesting martial arts stars of our time. He’s played great antagonists in a few well-loved modern action classics that I’ll mention later, but his purest works are the starring vehicles he’s made with writer/director Ernesto Díaz Espinoza since 2006 (KILTRO, MIRAGEMAN, MANDRILL, REDEEMER, and FIST OF THE CONDOR). They’re all very different from each other and he always mixes things up by varying the types of character he plays. He seems to think that just sticking with one persona would be cheating.

Diablo is Zaror and Espinoza’s sixth film together, and the most different in that Zaror plays the villain in this one. Scott Adkins (THE PINK PANTHER) stars as Kris Chaney, a guy who sneaks into Bogota, Colombia where he seems to be stalking a drug lord’s daughter. You know – the old following people around wearing a baseball hat technique. Disguised as a homeless man he approaches the car Elisa (Alana De La Rossa, DOMINIQUE) is being driven in, beats the shit out of her security team and throws her in his trunk. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 16th, 2025 | 3 Comments »

Ballerina (2025)

BALLERINA (2025) is “from the world of JOHN WICK.” That’s the tagline, not the title – like “Die Harder.” I have seen some spinoff skepticism swirling around this one, but don’t come to me for that shit. When the makers of JOHN WICK invite me into the world of JOHN WICK I don’t even have to grab my go-bag. I just run full speed toward them.

I have also seen grumbling about it being directed by Len Wiseman (UNDERWORLD) and about having had reshoots (seemingly quite extensive) overseen and/or directed by Chad Stahelski. But I think the former has pretty good action chops and the latter has honest-to-God action vision, so it is not surprising to me that BALLERINA has arrived as a total banger. Is it as good as the JOHN WICKs? No. Is it better than most movies that are not JOHN WICKs? Yes.

Here is my viewing journey with BALLERINA: first 15 or 20 minutes – It’s okay that this is kinda clunky compared to a JOHN WICK because it kinda rules anyway. Everything after that – on second thought this almost is as good as a JOHN WICK and in fact it absolutely rules. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 12th, 2025 | 27 Comments »

The Quiet Ones (2025)

THE QUIET ONES (2025) is a very dry Danish true crime movie about a heist that happened in 2008. The main character Kasper (Gustav Giese, RIDERS OF JUSTICE) is a boxer, but seems to also have a past in armed robbery. He’s trying to make a comeback in the ring but one day Slimani (Reda Kateba, LOST RIVER), whose group we saw really blow it in an opening armored car robbery, asks to meet with him. He heard from Kasper’s brother-in-law that he was “smart.”

Their target is a cash processing facility. Basically just like a warehouse fenced off in an industrial area. The impetus (which comes from the real crime that inspired the movie) is that the company who runs the place posted a promotional video on their websight showing off what they do. The thieves watch the video together and laugh in disbelief that somebody was stupid enough to post all this information. We don’t see it, but apparently it reveals to them the layout of the building and which currencies are stored where – easy break-in instructions. Kasper agrees to plan the robbery, but not go in, even though it means a smaller cut. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 11th, 2025 | 7 Comments »

Howl’s Moving Castle

June 10, 2005

HOWL’S MOVING CASTLE is the ninth film directed by Hayao Miyazaki. He’s only done three more in the twenty years since, so I guess it counts as late Miyazaki. When I saw it back then I went to a subtitled screening, so this time I tried it with English dialogue, and that worked well too.

SUMMER 2005It’s a story about Sophie (Emily Mortimer, THE 51st STATE), a young woman who makes hats in a shop founded by her late father. When her sister Lettie (Jena Malone, FOR LOVE OF THE GAME), a baker, encourages her to find something she loves rather than staying shackled to the family business she swears she’s content doing this.

Then one night after close this terribly rude rich lady (Lauren Bacall, THE BIG SLEEP) comes into the shop and starts saying the hats are tacky. To quote THE MAN WHO WASN’T THERE, “we’re a business with posted hours,” so get the fuck out. But this lady is actually the Witch of the Waste, who has come not to look for headwear, but to curse Sophie by turning her 90 years old. Then she’s out of there in a palanquin carried by her henchmen, oily black blob people with nice coats and masquerade masks. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 10th, 2025 | 8 Comments »

The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3-D

 

June 10, 2005

 

Right before this series we looked at the Spring 2005 release of Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller’s experiment in comic book literalism SIN CITY. Just over two months later Rodriguez was back with another movie, this time for the kiddies.

 

SUMMER 2005In a way THE ADVENTURES OF SHARKBOY AND LAVAGIRL IN 3-D continues the SIN CITY mission by using the at-the-time pretty new approach of heavy green screen to adapt a story on a lower budget than if he had to build full sets and things. But while the other one directly translates the exact words and pictures of a popular comic book series, this one is based on, according to the credits, “the stories and dreams of” his eight-year-old son Racer Max. It’s credited as “A RODRIGUEZ FAMILY MOVIE.” (read the rest of this shit…)

June 9th, 2025 | 17 Comments »

Karate Kid: Legends

In the 15 years (!) since the KARATE KID remake I’ve occasionally found myself telling people, “No, seriously, it’s pretty good!” Which is not really what I said in my review at the time, now that I’m re-reading it. So who knows, but I don’t think I’ll be saying that about the new movie KARATE KID: LEGENDS. I won’t try to convince anyone it’s a particularly good movie. But I kinda liked it. Let me say this: it’s definitely way better than THE NEXT KARATE KID, which actually I have to admit I kind of enjoy too.

The cleverest thing about LEGENDS is what we already knew from the trailers: it finds a way to say that the 1984 original and its 2010 remake are not mutually exclusive. In this one the remake’s shifu Han (Jackie Chan, DRAGON BLADE) recruits o.g. karate kid Daniel LaRusso (Ralph Macchio, HITCHCOCK) to help him teach a student, and this in turn is a way to make sense out of the weird title discrepancy that they wanted to make a movie called THE KARATE KID but they cast Jackie Chan so it was about kung fu. Now screenwriter Rob Lieber (PETER RABBIT) invents a relationship between the Han and Miyagi families, and therefore between their kung fu and karate styles. So when one of Mr. Han’s students wants to enter a karate tournament, the shifu wants him to learn specifically Miyagi-do karate from its last known teacher. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 5th, 2025 | 8 Comments »

Return of the Bastard Swordsman

RETURN OF THE BASTARD SWORDSMAN (1984) is indeed about the Bastard Swordsman returning. It’s not like BATMAN RETURNS where the title character hasn’t actually gone anywhere and is only returning to the screen – at the very end of BASTARD SWORDSMAN our guy Yun Fei Yang (Norman Chui, LEGEND OF THE LIQUID SWORD) had overcome his fate as a bullied servant of Wudang by mastering Silkworm Skill and defeating the prick who framed him for the murder of the chief and took over the clan. So he becomes their de facto leader but instead of letting them give him a parade or something he immediately walks away with his crush Lun Wan Er (Leanne Liu, WHITE HAIR DEVIL LADY).

Honestly the returning is kind of a bummer, I liked the idea of him traveling around having adventures. Instead this continues the story of Wudang and their feud with Invincible Clan. If you remember, the maniacal Invincible Clan leader Dugu Wu Di (Alex Man, CHINA WHITE) had left for two years of seclusion to further advance his use of the clan’s secret technique Fatal Skill after defeating Wudang in three consecutive duels over 20 years. In this one he comes home and it’s like he woke up out of a coma, he has to hear all this shit that went on in the last act of part 1 with Yun Fei Yang coming out of a cocoon and shit. So Dugu goes to Wudang to demand a duel with our bastard and they don’t want to admit that their chief ghosted them so they act like he just went out for smokes or something, which gets them a week’s reprieve to try to find him. But oh by the way if anyone leaves Wudang during that time they will be killed on sight. That Dugu always has some hardcore stipulations to his offers. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 4th, 2025 | 5 Comments »

Lords of Dogtown

June 3, 2005

Finally getting around to watching LORDS OF DOGTOWN was a good enough reason to do this series. I remember at the time it got a pretty tepid reception. People were still high on Stacy Peralta’s documentary about the same subject, DOGTOWN AND Z-BOYS (2001), and didn’t need to see it re-enacted. I get it – when I saw the trailer for Benny Safdie’s THE SMASHING MACHINE I couldn’t understand the point of (from the looks of it) just trying to re-enact footage from the documentary by John Hyams. Why not use the power of cinema to create a perspective of these events that does not already exist on film?

SUMMER 2005But that’s the thing, that’s what director Catherine Hardwicke and screenwriter Peralta do here with the story of Peralta’s circa 1975 Santa Monica surfer buddies becoming an early influential skateboard team and changing the world. The story centers around cheerful Stacy (John Robinson, ELEPHANT), angry Jay Adams (Emile Hirsch, THE DANGEROUS LIVES OF ALTAR BOYS), incredibly talented Tony Alva (Victor Rasuk, RAISING VICTOR VARGAS), and their rich kid friend Sid (Michael Angarano, BABY HUEY’S GREAT EASTER ADVENTURE), who can’t skate as well because of inner ear issues, but he’s still their homie. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 3rd, 2025 | 2 Comments »

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