"I'll just get my gear."

Once a Thief

I can’t explain this, and it’s embarrassing to admit, but somehow I had never seen ONCE A THIEF (1991) until now. How the hell did I not watch the movie that John Woo and Chow Yun Fat did between their two greatest home runs? Especially since I even watched the North American TV pilot he made based on it five years later! I knew this was gonna be more light-hearted and comedic than THE KILLER and HARD BOILED and that I probly wouldn’t like it nearly as much, but come on. Obviously it was something I needed to see. As I should fuckin known, it’s a fun time with some great stunts and action and a type of ludicrousness I enjoy in many Hong Kong films, if not usually Woo’s.

The story is about a trio of thieves, Cherie (Cherie Chung, PEKING OPERA BLUES), Joey and Jim (Chow Yun Fat and Leslie Cheung, reuniting after A BETTER TOMORROW 1 and 2). We meet them as they’re staking out an art museum for a heist, with Joey walking around admiring the art in the suave manner of Chow Yun Fat, Cherie pretending to be an idiot walking her dog through some deliverymen so she can mark the crate that holds the painting they’re planning to steal, and Joey strutting to his motorcycle in a leather jacket and scarf, bragging to a random street artist that he’s a famous thief. Soon they’re performing a really cool FAST AND FURIOUS-esque mobile truck heist that involved climbing on and under the truck, cutting a hole through the bottom, and gliding away with a parachute.

Joey and Cherie are apparently in love, which seems a little weird when we learn from flashbacks that these three grew up together as orphans, learning to pickpocket from abusive guardian Chow (Kenneth Tsang, also from A BETTER TOMORROW, as well as THE KILLER and THE REPLACEMENT KILLERS) before getting help from a nice police officer, (Paul Chu, also in THE KILLER), who has a chance to bust them but instead buys them food and becomes their godfather. As adults they live together in a beautiful rich people place where they do lots of joking around, including prank cakes and pushing each other into their full-sized indoor swimming pool with a wall of windows with a view of the lake it’s right next to.

Cherie has more qualms about stealing than the boys, and she’s also the only one who speaks French, so when a rich French guy tries to hire them to steal a painting from a castle she mistranslates to make both parties believe no deal is agreed to. But the boys go ahead and plan the robbery anyway – separately, and then they run into each other inside. (You know how men are.) The heist involves scaling a cliff with a grappling gun and discovering a secret room behind a fake cellar. (Is it a shame or pretty cool to have an amazing painting and then keep it in a stone chamber hidden behind a wall and the floor will kill you if you step on it but it’s always well-lit with candles anyway?)

There is some wonderful ludicrousness where Joey launches off Jim’s back and hangs from his feet from a chandelier and then Joey does a weird gravity-defying flip and Joey grabs his ankles and they swing like trapeze artists to grab the painting and then Jim does a back flip and Joey is left holding his shoes. (I remember the equivalent scene in Woo’s pilot for the North American TV series adaptation and I assumed it was his tribute to Ethan Hunt hanging in the quiet room in MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE, but of course I should’ve known Woo got there first.) Once they get the painting they still have to acrobatically navigate a grid of security lasers (which for some reason they’re able to see by looking through glasses of wine).

Although the action doesn’t have the poetic beauty of Woo’s best, he certainly lets loose with the stunts. Philip “Mad Dog” Kwok is the action coordinator, with Bruce Law (SUPERCOP 2) coordinating car stunts and fire sequences – both would also do HARD BOILED. I love the part where a bunch of cars roll down a big set of steps at the same time, like they’re toys being blown around by a leaf blower. A minute later there’s a sequence that involves Jim getting rammed on his motorcycle, jumping and rolling off and shooting the car so it blows up, then continuing a shootout with a bunch of people on foot and another set of people zooming past on a speed boat. Flowers and newspapers get shredded by bullets, Jim runs and rescues a kid in the middle of it all (just like Chow in THE KILLER) and Joey jumps his car off a dock into a boat and it (SPOILER) explodes!

It seems like he’s dead, but later, after Jim and Cherie have become a couple in Hong Kong, he reveals that he’s still alive, but confined to a wheelchair. He has a cool place where he lives with their godfather and paints and shoots hoops and talks to a bird named Bobo and says he enjoys computer games. I’m not clear if he really is playing King’s Quest and shit or if it’s only a cover for looking at blueprints to plan crimes.

Joey also reveals himself to their abusive dad Chow – who has done very well for himself and become a big shot crime boss; in fact Joey was secretly stealing that painting for him. He pretends to be happy to see him, then the motherfucker pushes him down a flight of stairs! Right in front of Godfather! Joey blames himself, and seems to be torn between these two father figures.

The gang gets back together when Cherie convinces Joey that Jim needs his help to steal a painting from a museum to get out of debt from Chow. It goes pretty OCEAN’S ELEVEN, with a complicated scheme involving an auction, stealing and making a copy of a key while ballroom dancing and breaking into a vault. Joey breaks in at night, slides around on the floor, beats up a whole bunch of guards, talks to Jim over a headset, but eventually Jim has to roll in to help him. There’s an excellent part where they work together to throw and detonate plastic explosives at security guards. It kind of feels like this will be the climax, but it actually culminates in a huge shootout and fight the next day at Joey’s crib.

This is a SPOILER, but the ultimate example of how silly this one is is that Joey gets shot up, mostly in the legs, then he leaps out to reveal that the lrgs were fake and so was his paralysis and he does a bunch of flying and spinning kicks! Moments later Joey performs an all-timer of an “I don’t think that would reall work, but I love it” improvised weapon: he puts some shaken up Coke cans in a microwave and a basketball in front of it and then it explodes and the basketball catches on fire and flies like a cannonball and hits a guy in the belly and propels him out the window. (Let’s see that on a very special John Woo episode of Mythbusters, please.) And in the very next shot an unexplained character credited as “Magician Henchman” (Declan Wong, GOD OF GAMBLERS PART III) fans out a bunch of playing cards which he starts throwing as deadly weapons!

So I guess what I’m learning here is that the specific type of beautiful preposterous I associate with some of Woo’s American work (specifically HARD TARGET and BLACKJACK) actually originated here. This scene is way goofier than what we get in most of Woo’s Hong Kong classics, but equally meticulous. So much happens in this sequence – just a huge amount of props used as weapons, so many bullets fired into everything Joey owns, so many henchman blown through windows, set on fire, electrocuted or shot in the ass. And Joey is doing handsprings, swinging a giant fishing pole as a weapon, breathing fire, smiling and having fun through most of it.

The synth score by Violet Lam is a liability, overly emphasizing which parts are supposed to be funny and using artificial orchestra sounds that in my opinion have dated poorly. I don’t want to harp on the lady so I wouldn’t even bring it up but I wanted to mention that she uses that one sound I knowmostly from low budget horror movies, the Digital Native Dance.

It’s weird to see Woo, who I love for his heart-on-the-sleeve melodrama, doing this much comedy. HARD BOILED has the baby peeing, but this has multiple pee related jokes, a line about farting, etc. But a bunch of the humor is good, it translates. Maybe because Chow does his charming smile most of the time when he’s talking shit. There aren’t that many parts with the type of painfully broad humor that makes me cringe, one exception being the happily-ever-after final scene which involves some mugging and fast speed and shit. But it’s still a thematically interesting theme because they achieve their dream of settling down in the U.S., and Woo paints a cartoonish vision of America: Disney characters on multiple clothing items, a Garfield doll, a framed poster of BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID on the wall behind Joey as he watches American football on TV. Woo still had HARD BOILED to make, but after that he moved to the U.S. too, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he had that same poster at his place. I don’t know about the Garfield doll. Maybe. Hopefully.

P.S. According to Wikipedia and IMDb, Joey and Cherie are nicknamed “Red Bean Pudding” and “Red Bean,” but that wasn’t in the subtitles of the DVD I watched. I swear there was one part where a French guy called Joey and Jim “Jules and Jim.” I guess it must’ve been a joke but I thought at first that was their names.

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 18th, 2021 at 10:45 am and is filed under Action, Comedy/Laffs, Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

29 Responses to “Once a Thief”

  1. This is Woo’s action-comedy homage to Truffaut’s effervescent menage et trois, JULES ET JIM. The same way THE KILLER is an unabashed riff on Melville’s LE SAMOURAI. This is the Woo Zone, where French New Wave collides with the staccato slo-mo action editing of Peckinpah.

  2. I remember going to see this at a midnight screening and I’ll never ever forget the subtitle of “I have so many aces, I think I have aids”

  3. I’m now realizing that I have also never seen this one, but that’s only because 20 years ago I accidentally rented the American TV version and it was so disappointing that I never went back for more and then promptly forgot the original existed until roughly right this second. This sounds like it’s got the most lethal basketball gag since DEADLY FRIEND, though, so maybe I’ll have to give it a shot just on those grounds.

  4. I have seen this. I didn’t love it, the comedy did slightly spoil things for me I’m afraid, but it was good to see the once.

    I believe the Goofy on his vest is “Sports Goofy”, an 80s athletic themed rebranding of the character who is treated as his a separate character in some European comic books, and got to star in a TV special called SOCCERMANIA.

  5. I have been pushing for AN EXTREMELY GOOFY MOVIE to be the next LION KING style photorealistic CGI Disney remake, but I would also accept SOCCERMANIA.

  6. ONCE reminds me of his Woo’s comedy phase in the late seventies and early eighties. I have a few of those movies and their brand of broad slapstick comedy is a little hard to sit through. I probably felt the same way about this film too for a while but I did revisit it a few years back and really enjoyed it. That means I have to give the earlier films a second chance as well. It helps that Chow and Cheung are all-time greats of HK cinema and Cherie Chung is a delight to watch. To think her career began with Johnnie To and near the end one with John Woo.
    Also: the recently departed Remy Julienne and his team handled the vehicle stunts for the European part of the film.

  7. I’m currently watching Sammo’s LUCKY STARS trilogy, and the Hong Kong insistence on mixing broad comedy and violent action certainly pays off at the box office, but it’s not always comfortable to watch. I’ve seen ONCE quite a few times years ago, and can’t remember it being too bad in the humor departement. And it’s a rare opportunity to see Yun-Fat fighting and doing some kind of martial arts (I might be mistaking, but don’t they play a couple of notes from the Wong Fei-Hung theme when he makes a stance?). Always nice to see some Remy Julienne choreography too. RIP.

  8. I really do have a soft spot for this and the American TV remake which i found pretty cool during the mid 90’s. Its got that light breezy romantic action that seemed quite common in Hollywood movies during the 2000’s (Mr & Mrs Smith, Knight & Day) It’s actually better than both those movies combined.

    Woo apparently made this after the disastrous reception Bullet In The Head made with the HK audience, that film actually lost money for the studio and Woo being the humble guy he is quickly made an Action/Comedy with the 3 biggest HK stars at that moment as a favour for the Studio who bank rolled Bullet In The Head.

    Oh it was a GIANT success in Hong Kong!

  9. As a deathless of John Woo, I am nevertheless curious that, like Wesley Snipes at the height of his Blade success who would still mysteriously mix up big budget work with DTV stuff, Woo not once but TWICE had lightweight TV stuff sandwiched between big budget extravaganzas when he didn’t need to be slumming then. I mean he directed a TV remake of a movie he helmed in HK 6 years back IN BETWEEN HARD TARGET and BROKEN ARROW. And then in between the utterly magnificent FACE/OFF and the second MI movie, he knocks out a lightweight Dolph Lundgren made for TV flick BLACKJACK.

  10. Shiiiiiiit, totally forgot about Sports Goofy! I had a gym bag with him on it in elementary school. The 80s were all about being fit, weren’t they? I remember lots of cartoon characters from that era, both established ones who got a sporty makeover to new mascots that were quickly forgotten, who tried to tell kids and parents to get out and get healthy.

  11. Well, both of those were pilots for TV shows. Today it’s more common, but it was not unheard of back then for movie directors to start up new TV shows. You know, like Barry Levinson directed the pilot of Homicide, Sam Raimi produced Hercules/Xena/etc., Michael Crichton produced ER at the height of his powers, etc.

    So I don’t think it’s slumming, especially when the result is BLACKJACK.

  12. Woo also directed an unaired LOST IN SPACE pilot in the early 00s. A bootleg showed up on YouTube a few years ago. NEver watched it, but heard that there was a reason why the show didn’t get picked up and the pilot wasn’t even released as DTV movie “From the director of FACE/OFF and M:I 2”.

  13. Sports Goofy is an excellent “No, ACTUALLY, it’s a different character” thing, much like Jughead’s cousin Souphead and Medieval Spawn. Those European Disney comics are amazing, I am legit jealous of you folks over that a way who got to read those bizarre and oftentimes not republished works of sprawling lore. I am from the nation of America, where for some reason until like five years ago the main Disney characters didn’t do shit. All I got to read was Disney Adventures Magazine with like, three word articles about Kid ‘n’ Play or the making of Disneyland rides. Actually that is good too. Sparks should write a song called “Sports Goofy” to go with their very good Mickey Mouse song and their AMAZING Minnie Mouse song.

    You know what I was hoping to see, a sequel to DROOM GROOTS called and about SNOOPY’S SHITTY COUSINS, where Spike and Needles and Olaf and Andy and Belle and shit like that all party and have interesting adventures, and no other fuckin’ Peanuts characters get involved to be angry or depressed or whatever, or like, you see real human emotions in it such as anger and depression but they are more cool and/or productive about it than like Charlie B and Lucy and shit, who the millions and millions of delighted ticket buyers won’t even be thinking about once they see what Andy is up to day to day or whatever. Just look up the picture of Spike putting Christmas ornaments on some brambles in the middle of the desert and don’t tell me that isn’t a movie you would be both moved by and laughin with. The only “fan service” or whatever is an excellent extended fifteen minute sequence where Woodstock shows up and parties and also has some nice interactions with the different characters, he helps Marbles move a couch or some shit and they’re like dang Woodstock can lift! Or he helps Belle choose some college classes, I don’t know what he does, all I know is Woodstock is there. It would be a good movie with a very sprawling cast, and NO GARBAGE MUSIC, sorry Meghan and Flo but not this time. They would be listening to like Rosand Roland Kirk instead of Vince Guaraldi to not beholden to the established tone of Snoopaverse but still understand it’s traditions, it would be good. I’m going to pitch it as the new WANDAVISION, a fucked up wacky new take on some characters people all over the place are going to learn to love in the way real ass comic nerds do, the ones who only own one “brand” of clothes and that is Grafitti Designs or Snoopy sweatshirts depending on their sole interest in the world. Dang I shoulda posted that in the DROOM GROOTS thread, whatever. Oh let me try this instead, John Woo would direct the movie, in his triumphant return to comedic action, or there would be a funny scene where Woodstock is wearing a Sports Goofy shirt. It wouldn’t necessarily have to be in English, actually it would be kinda better and more interesting if not. Actually a Peanuts movie made by an Eastern filmmaker initially for an Eastern audience is kind of the best idea I’ve ever had..

  14. Vern, I may need to give BLACKJACK another view, but from what I recall, there was ONE shoot out at the start with the signature Woo style, and then it kinda got draggy and talky with ole Dolph having some vision problems? (Blindness? Night Blindness? Color Blindness?). Anyway saw it 22 years ago so maybe a re-visit is needed.

  15. Well, it does not have HARD BOILED type action, but the color white makes him blind, so the villain fights him in a dairy and dumps milk on him. In one part he shoots some guys while bouncing on a trampoline. The villain is a celebrity stalker but he has henchmen on motorcycles with uzis. So obviously I love it.

  16. Vern, I remember that trampoline shoot out! Sadly, little else, so your intriguing summary means I need to check it out again

  17. It’s too bad we caught up with Chow Yun-Fat when he was getting tired of the whole two guns and a toothpick character he did so well in the 80s and early 90s. It would have been so good to see him in all the movies John Woo made in America. And when you see the things he turned down, man, he could have been big. But I guess when you give away 7 billions to charity, you’re not in it for fame and fortune.

  18. I was thinking about it and I was like dang why I was I holding back from sharing my real Sport Goofy opinions, this is Outlaw Vern.com, people are kind of nice about it when you are off topic if it’s sort of funny.

    I have so much to say about the Sport Goofy character. The main thing I have to say is that thinking about Sport Goofy gets me stressed the fuck out for animators. Mickey Mouse, that’s some easy shit to draw, particularly if it’s like the Official But Not Too Prestigious Merchandise version of On-Model Modern Mickey Mouse, same with Donald, Minnie, and friends, etc. Goofy though, how the fuck do you draw that. Not to say I’m great or anything but I am somewhat of an expert and versatile cartoonist, even with my amazing talent I’m like how the fuck one would try to draw the insane number of variations and sets of internal logic there are to drawing the regular Goofy model, even just for like normal ass a picture of Goofy standing in front of a blank background and not doing anything. A real “there he is” kind of drawing. I can understand how some Renaissance Art was done easier than I can understand how someone drew Goofy, a Da Vinci pencil sketch makes more sense to me than even a layout drawing of Goofy where you can see how it was drawn. Anything Sport Goofy or like, any of those 1950s shorts where it’s Goofy does a bunch of stunts like GOOFY LEARNS HOW TO RIDE AN ACCURATELY-DRAWN BIKE or something are the sort of films that make me feel stressed out for their technicians, particularly when some other bozo across the studio in ink and paint just has to trace pictures onto cels of Donald Duck walking from left to right for the next four days, with a real easy peesy lah zay fayere attitude while you’re losing your mind about to visually communicate Goofy fumbling, how to draw Goofy assembling a basketball net from swirling cinematic angles while matching the cue sheet.

    Then at the PTA meetings, it’s all and what do you do, oh I draw Sport Goofy, oh yeah no there’s less “goofin’ off” to it than you’d think, ha ha, I mean, I’ve heard it before but it’s always a “good one”, ha ha, yeah, no, this is Sport Goofy, it’s a different character. I used to do the effects shots on Sports Goofy but now I’m the assistant airbrush rendering artist on Roger Rabbit.

    Meanwhile, there is so much excellence among the Traditional Disney branch of Disneyco that is totally overlooked by the unappreciative bozos in Fandom who are like, yes well I am an appreciator of Disneyana but I am not a fan of the Goofy How To shorts or any iteration of his Sport Goofy relative, I am a fan of collecting old Disney Store Cash Registers. Goofy does not appear on any of them, it is only “the classic three”, the earlier Disney Princesses, and occasionally Pluto, on the Canadian and some Midwestern registers. If it isn’t TV Guides featuring descriptions of episodes of Marsupilami or high-grade vintage Pete’s Dragon cookware then I am not interested, I do not care for Sport Goofy. Someone gets a really nice The Complete Goofy Disney Treasures for their graduation present from their weird, nice uncle and they’re all bummed out and ticked off about it because their thing is The Great Mouse Detective ONLY. “I tried to sell this ludicrous “The Complete Goofy” DVD to The Exchange and they offered me TWO DOLLARS. Two Fifty in trade! Huh! That was a DISNEY TREASURES set, people. I took that Complete Goofy set BACK to my house and now I will be seeing what eBay can bring me, blessed be, blessed be.”

    Don’t even get me started about the level of respect I have for people who can make a SCULPTURE of Goofy, how is that even possible.

    My only other issue with Goofy is that Powerline is kind of totally some majorly uncool bullshit, and is a funny-yet-telling example of the unfair and constant system advantageousness of Hollywood and corporate America against real artists. Sometimes people don’t give Prince enough credit for being classy. He was like I’m already suing Bugs Bunny and pissed off about I’LL DO ANYTHING, the last thing I need is this shitty and bland imitation of me singing and dancing all over the movie screens of America. That’s one less musical he got to make, you know? Don Bluth probably would have listened to his instructions. If you ask me, the wusstastic Billy Joel music in Oliver and Company is more authentic rock and soul than that of Powerline. But also, I should not be so cynical – I have met some people who truly love Powerline with a deep and moving love, who am I to judge.

    They should make a mockumentary about the career of Sport Goofy in the style of THE LAST DANCE or HOOP DREAMS. I found some cool pictures of a place called Sport Goofy Gifts and Sundries, which is part of Disney’s All-Star Sports Resort. Always cool to see what sort of businesses athletes invest in once they step away from pro ball.

    It would be cool to see a weekly Disney+ show with, like, Sport Pete and Sport Donald Duck, where they would be like Barkley and Shaq and argue and tell jokes, featuring very low budget CGI, ala TOP CAT BEGINS.

    You know what I thought of a while ago but really have no reason to work in anywhere that is a joke for ultimate Vern fans only, Pisney+.

  19. I think the quantity and quality of Sport Goofy discussion I have instigated in this thread is my proudest moment on this site.

  20. A.L.F. is really channeling some circa-1999 Vern energy on these posts.

    I’ve never even heard of this Sports Goofy fellow. I’m more of a Business Goofy man myself. I like the one where he tries to quit smoking. Most dogs don’t have to deal with serious addiction issues like that. Pluto, for instance, he doesn’t even have hands so he couldn’t even smoke if he wanted to. All he’s probably addicted to is licking his balls in public. Unless Mickey had him fixed, which, now that I think about it, he probably did. Mickey seems responsible like that. Now Donald, he doesn’t even wear pants. You can’t expect a pervert duck like that to do the right thing when it comes to pet overpopulation.

  21. Majestyk, that is so nice of you to say. All Vern is the best Vern if you ask me. I am a big fan of just writing about nonsense, whereas Vern is one of the most focused writers of all time.

    While you were writing your nice and also very hilarious and Vern-level funny comments and ideas I was watching SOCCERMANIA, which wasn’t very stressful for the visual-OCD animator and on-model-obsessed cartoonist that I am because Sport Goofy is only in the thing it for half a second! Or well not really but it’s sort of like when somebody tells you Darth Vader is actually on screen in A New Hope for slightly more than eight minutes. Also don’t worry they also call him Sports Goofy during it too so nobody is incorrect in the Sport vs Sports goofy debate that has wasted so many precious hours of potential scene unity. Outlawvern.com has a place for all sorts of outlooks, as long as they respect the positivity and considerate ideals of Sport Goofy, and his message of actualization of positive activity. Instead of actually starring Sport Goofy it is mostly a weirdly-lushly animated Ducktales movie that looks far better than like DUCKTALES’ FOUR FRAMES A SECOND ANIMATED MOVIE FOR BABIES BUT IT’S VAUGELY LIKE AN OLD TIMEY SERIAL THE MOTION PICTURE or whatever that’s called. Does that fall into the classic adventure genre with The Phantom and things like that? The Beagle Boys really give Sports Goofy crud for no reason and rudely gloat about their lack of scruples and advantageousness, but the polite cheeriness and Sportsgoofship that Sports Goofy calmly and articulately offers his detractors and society’s bullies teach everybody a lesson about decency both on and off the weirdly-inaccurate-looking-Soccer-ball field. It takes about five minutes for them to even mention the words Sport Goofy but once they do say Sport Goofy, they say his name about a thousand times.

    Big fan of the movie MONSTER HUNTER over here, a very entertaining and fun movie that the best way to watch is falling asleep four times in half hour installments, with a nice viewing of SOCCERMANIA as the interlude between viewing three and tonight’s viewing four. Great movie with funny characters, looking forward to talking about it with everyone at this excellent place.

  22. Majestyk, that is so nice of you to say. All Vern is the best Vern if you ask me. I am a big fan of just writing about nonsense, whereas Vern is one of the most focused writers of all time.

    While you were writing your nice and also very hilarious and Vern-level funny comments and ideas I was watching SOCCERMANIA, which wasn’t very stressful for the visual-OCD animator and on-model-obsessed cartoonist that I am because Sport Goofy is only in the thing it for half a second! Or well not really but it’s sort of like when somebody tells you Darth Vader is actually on screen in A New Hope for slightly more than eight minutes. Also don’t worry they also call him Sports Goofy during it too so nobody is incorrect in the Sport vs Sports goofy debate that has wasted so many precious hours of potential scene unity. Outlawvern.com has a place for all sorts of outlooks, as long as they respect the positivity and considerate ideals of Sport Goofy, and his message of actualization of positive activity. Instead of actually starring Sport Goofy it is mostly a weirdly-lushly animated Ducktales movie that looks far better than like DUCKTALES’ FOUR FRAMES A SECOND ANIMATED MOVIE FOR BABIES BUT IT’S VAUGELY LIKE AN OLD TIMEY SERIAL THE MOTION PICTURE or whatever that’s called. Does that fall into the classic adventure genre with The Phantom and things like that? The Beagle Boys really give Sports Goofy crud for no reason and rudely gloat about their lack of scruples and advantageousness, but the polite cheeriness and Sportsgoofship that Sports Goofy calmly and articulately offers his detractors and society’s bullies teach everybody a lesson about decency both on and off the weirdly-inaccurate-looking-Soccer-ball field. It takes about five minutes for them to even mention the words Sport Goofy but once they do say Sport Goofy, they say his name about a thousand times. I hope to see lots of funny crossovers where Sport Goofy meets The Beast and Moana and Stitch and Lightnin’ McQueen and shit, where he has conversations with them where they say Sport Goofy with the hilariously casual yet respectful tone that the characters in this movie do, this twenty minute Disney masterpiece.

    Big fan of the movie MONSTER HUNTER over here, a very entertaining and fun movie that is best viewed whilst falling asleep four times after half hour installments of monster hunting, with a nice viewing of SOCCERMANIA as the interlude between viewing three and tonight’s viewing four. Great movie with funny characters, looking forward to talking about it with everyone at this excellent place.

  23. Business Goofy’s in-universe name is Mr. (George) Geef.

    I agree SOCCERMANIA has surprisingly lush animation. I remember watching it with my grandparents, my grandfather laughed enthusiastically, but my grandmother hated it; she also didn’t like DUCK TAILS, RUNAWAY BRAIN (the mid-90s Mickey Mouse cartoon where he’s hip and edgy because it begins with him kicking was at a fictional SNOW WHITE Genesis game) and I remember her being really upset by one of those made for TV cartoons from around 1999 with Pluto getting the paper. She was a purist, I guess.

  24. I always hated Goofy’s supposed real name! His name is Goofy and that’s it, get the fuck out of my face with that Geef business! (Disney not Pacman; Pacman rules!) Why isn’t he just Goof E. Dog or whatever. You know who should team up with Disney to make the CGI remake of AN EXTREMELY GOOFY MOVIE, Spielberg, in his triumphant followup to remaking WEST SIDE STORY. Like there are lots of boring scenes where Max is all sad at Goofy for not helping him with his soap box derby racer because he has to be that terrible unappealing Super Goof character somewhere and save Duckburg or whatever. Also I was imagining a disgustingly texture-mapped CGI Goofy standing in a wheat field surrounded by too many lens flares all over the place, which really makes me laugh for some reason. They should have traded the dream-like stylization of a John Woo WEST SIDE STORY for an awkward attempt at a character-based Spielberg AN EXTREMELY GOOFY MOVIE. Shit I’d even be cool with a Marc Webb WARPED TOUR GOOFY or something.

    That story of your grandmother being pissed off at Pluto getting the paper may be the single funniest thing I’ve ever read on a website from a non-Vern person, wow. Thank you.

    Well, I’m off to make a slideshow video of pictures of Sports Goofy set to that song with The Game and 50 Cent, “I’m rap’s MVP”, or even better, an instrumental version of the HE GOT GAME theme. Much respect and love to everyone here who was nice about the showboating appearance of Sport Goofy, who goes back to the sidelines for a while now, after his triumphant team up with Sport Sebastian and Sport Rosie O’Donnell from Hercules and Sport Scrooge and Sport James and the Giant Peach. Thanks again to all the nice people here, see you all when I return from my work on dreaming up a spec-script for a serious and intense PERSONAL BEST style movie starring Sport Clarabelle.

  25. I always took these “Mr Geef” cartoons as Goofy playing a different character. Like Jim Varney or Paul Reubens not playing Ernest or Pee-Wee.
    Also I was finally able to get the MICKEY MOUSE DISCO album on CD last week for a reasonable price. Life is good.

  26. Vern, your websight has some kind of magical kismet about it. I hear about a movie on here, and then immediately it falls into my lap. It happened when I found a DVD of Kill Zone 2 at a Big Lots shortly after reading your review.

    And now this post mentions Blackjack, which I’d never heard of. And today in the local Dollar Tree I come across a $1 DVD set collecting 7 Dolph Lundgren movies, one of which is… Blackjack. (It also includes Bridge of Dragons, directed by Isaac Florentine, and Command Performance, written and directed by Dolph himself.)

    Keep summoning good into the universe.

  27. Not bad! At the time, COMMAND PERFORMANCE didn’t live up to my hopes for that great premise, but other people seem to like it more. And BRIDGE OF DRAGONS is fun if you know there will be no literal dragons. (Or bridges? I can’t remember.) What else is on there?

  28. It also features:

    Direct Contact
    Direct Action (from the director of Superman IV: The Quest for Peace)
    The Peacekeeper (guest starring Roy Scheider)
    Sweepers

    They crammed all 7 onto 2 discs.

    As a lover of physical media, I have to say that dollar stores and the like have been a great source of movies in the last couple years, even if it is a sign of the death of the medium.

  29. THE PEACEKEEPER was the talk of my playground for about two days, because the alpha male of our class rented it. And yes he did have to explain to us that it wasn’t THE PEACEMAKER. I saw it a few years later, it was pretty good. Montel Williams is in it; in a later film Dolph teams up with Jerry Springer so chat show hosts are a mini-motif in his work.

Leave a Reply





XHTML: You can use: <a href="" title=""> <img src=""> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <b> <i> <strike> <em> <strong>