Archive for October, 2007

The Town That Dreaded Sundown

Wednesday, October 31st, 2007

This is the true story of a series of murders in Texarkana shortly after World War II. So it could also be called THE TOWN THAT COMBINED THE NAMES OF TEXAS AND ARKANSAS INTO ONE NAME AND THAT ALSO DREADED SUNDOWN. That doesn’t have the same rhythm to it though, I think they made the right decision.

This is a weird movie. It starts clunkily with corny narration about “the story you are about to see,” and the narrator pops up throughout the movie as if it’s an educational film. The actors in the small roles are obviously not actors, some of them are terrible. The filmatism is what you would call “crude and workmanlike” or maybe “serviceable” – although of course it’s a faded, full frame out of print VHS so maybe some day if they give it the Blue Underground or Dark Sky treatment it will turn out to be a fuckin masterpiece of photographical genius.

Anyway, I immediately thought of THE LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK (which takes the same narrator, low budget, bad acting approach to a true story about alleged sasquatch sightings) but I didn’t realize until I looked it up afterwards that it’s the same director, Charles B. Pierce. I guess the spooky true story business is a good way to pay the bills.

The reason why the town dreads sundown is some guy they call The Phantom, but he is not Billy Zane wearing a purple suit and riding a horse in the jungle, he’s a dude with a mask exactly like Jason in FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2 (white bag with eyeholes torn in it) who kills kids on lover’s lane, or in one case shows up at somebody’s house and shoots them through the window. He’s a total freak, because the first woman he attacked he bit all over her body. Another girl he killed by blowing her trombone at her. There are many scenes of him breathing heavily so his mask sucks in and out. Who knows what the hell is going on inside there. The guy is a pervert though. This asshole even attacks Mary Ann from GILLIGAN’S ISLAND. What the fuck did Mary Ann ever do to you, you sonofabitch? (more…)

Only 1 person likes this post. Kinda sad.
Unlike

Posted in Crime, Drama, Horror, Mystery, Reviews, Thriller | 1 Comment »

Shivers

Tuesday, October 30th, 2007

I cannot in good conscience recommend SHIVERS to everybody. In fact, I saw it a long time ago and didn’t get into it, but recently I felt like watching the early Cronenbergs again and this time around I enjoyed it. It’s Cronenberg’s first feature film and it is also known as THEY CAME FROM WITHIN, but should be called ZOMBIE PERVERTS or even FUCKED BY ZOMBIES.

Well, they’re not technically zombies. It’s about a sexually transmitted disease. I didn’t do this on purpose, but this is yet another apartment complex based horror. It takes place at this upscale complex called Starliner Estates, which is actually on an island so it’s isolated and has its own medical facilities and armed security. The lead is not your typical horror movie lead. He’s a middle aged doctor, head of the Starliner Medical Department, and he has some of the mannerisms of Gary Shandling. When the movie starts the infection in the apartments has already began: a former teacher of the doctor is attacking a woman in a school girl outfit. And he kills her and burns her with acid. Not cool.

It turns out the killer doctor is being influenced by a weird parasite slug inside him that makes him super horny. Late in the movie an infected character explains the feeling: it makes you see that everything in the world is sexual. “That disease is the love of two alien kinds of creatures for each other. That even dying is an act of eroticism. That talking is sexual. That breathing is sexual. That even to physically exist is sexual.” So you want to stay away from these motherfuckers. If they see you they get a crazed look in their eye and they come after you. And even if you were into them it would be trouble because you would get the disease. (more…)

Only 1 person likes this post. Kinda sad.
Unlike

Tags:
Posted in Horror, Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit, Thriller | No Comments »

10/25/07

Thursday, October 25th, 2007

Thanks everybody for your support with Seagalogy. I’ve already sold more copies of that one than I’ve sold of 5 on the Outside in the couple years it’s been out. I can’t wait to start getting feedback, please drop me a line when you’ve read it and let me know what you think. Even if it’s negative.

Also, if you have any way of helping me raise awareness, like if you want to interview me on Seagalogy for your websight or anything like that, let me know.

Sorry for the lack of updates but here’s something you can read if you’re interested. I recently started doing some freelance pieces for film.com, the official web sight of film. My new one is “In Defense of Torture Porn” which is a much shorter and more palatable version of the mammoth TP essay I was struggling to write this summer when I watched the three SAW movies in a row. If you like it it couldn’t hurt to click on the “recommended” thing at the top. Every time you do that a bell rings in Heaven that says to forgive me for defending torture porn.(By the way, my title for the piece was “Pass the Torture Porn, Please.”)

Only 1 person likes this post. Kinda sad.
Unlike

Posted in Seagal, Updates | No Comments »

Pass the Torture Porn, Please

Thursday, October 25th, 2007

When critics talk about drawing a line… what are they talking about?

In 1974, Washington Post TV critic Tom Shales described The Texas Chain Saw Massacre as “the latest discouraging entry in a horror movie subgenre that might be called gorenography–films that strive not so much to shock or frighten as merely to sicken.” He wrote that “The Exorcist brought the cheap shocks to the mass movie market” and described a “post ‘Exorcist‘ era” where horror movies have “no characters of any depth to identify with or cheer on as the monster approaches; there is little if any cleverly contrived suspense; and the film quickly becomes not a who-dun-it but a who-gets-it-next.”

Thirty-three years later, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre is still one of the best horror movies ever made. It was even selected for preservation in the Library of Congress. And The Exorcist’s reputation isn’t too shabby either. Yet somehow the sky has not fallen. Civilization continues unabated. The innocence of children and puppies remains intact. Horror movies still frighten as well as sicken and have characters to cheer on as they face cleverly contrived suspense, like Sally in The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. In short, Tom Shales didn’t know what the hell he was talking about, and he was wrong.

But those who do not learn the history of Tom Shales are doomed to repeat it. His blunder doesn’t stop today’s critics, talk-backers and morality experts from knowing for sure that these movies have finally after all these years gone too far. For real this time, no, seriously guys. And it all comes down to a line. A line that should not be crossed. Roger Ebert, usually a smart guy about horror, said of Wolf Creek “There is a line, and this movie crosses it. I don’t know where the line is, but it’s way north of Wolf Creek.” Box office predictor/movie columnist Dave Poland wrote in his review of the bootleg Hostel Part II work print that he watched part of in his hotel room that “There must be a line in this world and Hostel II crosses it at the more basic level of humanity.” (more…)

Only 1 person likes this post. Kinda sad.
Unlike

Posted in Vern Tells It Like It Is | 1 Comment »

Urban Justice

Saturday, October 20th, 2007

URBAN JUSTICE
starring Steven Seagal

PREAMBLE

You know, there are movies, and then there are Steven Seagal movies. And you know what else? There are Steven Seagal movies, and then there are direct-to-video Steven Seagal movies. Seagal has made 13 DTV movies since his last theatrical, HALF PAST DEAD, came out in 2002. In 2003, 2006 and 2007 he was able to release three movies a year. For 2008 he already has three in progress. In 2005 he actually did four. So this is a guy who shows up in your video store almost as often as the seasons change. Which makes his DTV Era a god damn force of nature. Almost.

Personally I think he’s had a hell of a DTV run, putting his weird mark on all kinds of adventures for his secret agent, mercenary, freelance covert ops and Yale professor of archaeology characters. The movies he’s made are not always as competent as those made by Jean-Claude Van Damme and Wesley Snipes, but they are almost always more interesting and unusual.

Unfortunately, part of what makes them unusual is a turnoff for alot of people, because it’s the weird stuff that was not intended, the goofy mistakes and shortcuts that come from low budgets, tight schedules and conflicting ideas from too many producers. For example there’s the weird voice doubles. Seagal doesn’t have time or doesn’t get paid to come back and loop lines, so patches of dialogue here and there are dubbed in some other dude’s voice. This was done most hilariously in OUT OF REACH, where we heard letters to his penpal read in voiceover by some random dude. (more…)

Unlike

Tags: ,
Posted in Action, Reviews, Seagal, Thriller | 1 Comment »

10/19/07

Friday, October 19th, 2007

My friends, on this historic day I am proud to announce what you already know if you saw the banner above – I finally fuckin finished SEAGALOGY! I got my proof copy today and it looks real nice. As far as I can tell I didn’t fuck anything up. So I want to thank everyone for their support, patience and words of encouragement over the years that I embarked on this journey. I hope everyone who buys it enjoys it. Unless they are some kind of asshole, but that would never happen.

Now I just gotta write and publish one more book in the next two months to fulfill my New Year’s resolution!

OH YEAH, and I reviewed 30 DAYS OF NIGHT.

Unlike

Posted in Seagal, Updates | No Comments »

30 Days of Night

Friday, October 19th, 2007

You know that part of Alaska you always hear about where the sun stops coming up for a month every year? Well, wouldn’t it suck if a bunch of vampires tried to take advantage of that? That is the question posed by 30 DAYS OF NIGHT. And the answer quickly becomes clear: yes, it would suck if they did that. Fuckin vampires. Basically this is a remake of that Paul Walker movie 8 BELOW except instead of sled dogs stranded in the snow it’s people, and instead of a killer sea lion there’s vampires.

Although this has some of the weaknesses that are common in modern horror, it’s by no means your average horror movie that you would expect to come out these days. The tone is much more serious. The soundtrack is quieter. It is more about atmosphere and dread than they usually bother with anymore.

And it has that great premise. I think this is a good movie, and horror fans should see it. But it’s a little frustrating to me because it has some greatness in it. But only some. Little drips of greatness here and there mixed in with some goodness and some mediocreness, stirred together into a quality swirl.

To me the opening, especially the second scene where they introduce the hero, is the best part of the movie. Josh Hartnett, the sherriff of this small town of Barrow, Alaska (population 152 after people leave for the month of darkness – much less by the end of the movie [SPOILER]) stands on a snowy hill with one of his deputies, staring at a pile of melted cell phones, discussing why somebody would do something like this. Since we in the audience have god like powers and know that this is a vampire movie, we have a good idea of why somebody would do something like this. But these cops don’t, or if they have any sense of it they don’t want to say it out loud. The way Hartnett talks quiet and grimaces and is shot in close-up looks just like another perfect opening to a modern vampire movie, the Michael Parks monologue in FROM DUSK TILL DAWN. But instead of leading into a balls out action scene this leads to the two buddies reminiscing as they watch the last sunrise before the 30 days. (more…)

2 people like this post.
Unlike

Tags:
Posted in Horror, Reviews | 1 Comment »

10/14/07

Sunday, October 14th, 2007

Man, I’m having some bad luck with the movies. Tried watching the remake of HOUSE OF WAX but the DVD froze up about half an hour in. Brought it back to the video store, got another copy, this one only made it about ten minutes further in before it froze up too. Never even got to see Paris Hilton’s character (or any other character for that matter) bite it. So I tried to watch MONSTER MAN, an earlier movie from the director of SHOOT ‘EM UP, which is about a monster running over people with a monster truck. But I’m tellin ya, that monster man should’ve run over the fucking main characters a LONG time ago. I don’t know if I can finish this one.

So that leaves some other DTV horror called REST STOP, that’s the one I was able to get to the end of. Congratulations REST STOP, winner of the October 2007 Movie Vern Could Get To the End Of Award.

Unlike

Posted in Updates | No Comments »

Rest Stop

Sunday, October 14th, 2007

What better location could there possibly be for a horror movie than a rest stop? I mean obviously when people think of scary places for a horror movie they think of old spooky houses, haunted mansions and castles, dark caves and tunnels, cabins in the woods, woods in general, hospitals and asylums, abandoned amusement parks, wax museums, slaughter houses, seemingly normal suburban neighborhoods, backwards rural towns, rusty sheds, dilapidated huts, eerie villages, summer camps, ordinary high schools, old boarding houses and conservatories, orphanages, hotels, churches, curiosity shops, opera houses, abandoned mannequin factories, deserts, Antarctic outposts, laboratories, graveyards, tombs, morgues, farmhouses, mysterious islands, dungeons, torture chambers, basements, carnivals and circuses, movie theaters, libraries, malls, grocery stores, dirty warehouses, last houses on the left, etc. to name a few.

But what is the one thing that most of those places have in common? You are not there right now. So you would have to travel to get there. And with the exception of (arguably) the mysterious island you would most likely have to drive there. And if it was a long way from where you are now you might have to stop and pee at some point before you get there. BAM! That’s where the rest stop comes in. I feel I have just proven that a rest stop is more of a threat to you than a torture chamber. So be careful.

And of course there’s so much to work with for a rest stop horror movie. The free stale Chips Ahoy type cookies, the jugs of McDonalds orange drink, the coffee in styrofoam cups, the drinking fountain. I mean the possibilities are endless. The tagline for REST STOP is “dead ahead,” but it could also be “Get out to stretch… AND DIE!” or “In the dog walking area no one can here you scream.” (more…)

Unlike

Tags:
Posted in Horror, Reviews, Thriller | 1 Comment »

Eaten Alive

Saturday, October 13th, 2007

2-disc special edition DVD review

NOTE: If there are out-of-place references in this review it’s because I originally submitted it to The Ain’t It Cool News. However, due to its controversial nature (i.e. nobody gives a shit) they didn’t run it so here it is.

This week the 25th anniversary edition of Tobe Hooper’s POLTERGEIST comes out, you may have seen that mentioned once or twice. But this week also marks another important landmark for Tobe Hooper: the two week anniversary of the release of Dark Sky’s EATEN ALIVE (aka DEATH TRAP) special edition.

Okay, yes, this review is two weeks late. I wish I got it up before September 26th, but let’s just say it got delayed. The EATEN ALIVE (aka STARLIGHT SLAUGHTER) DVD itself almost got onto the shelves a year ago just as they discovered new materials in the Disney Vault (or some kind of vault anyway, they didn’t specify if it was the Disney Vault) and decided to start over. At least my delay wasn’t that long. In my opinion this is actually an early review, somehow. So just drop it.

Tobe Hooper is a real mystery to me. He directed pretty much my favorite movie of all time (SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION) but has never reached those heights again. Most people tend to say all his other movies are garbage, and in many cases I have to agree with them. These days he keeps churning them out, but he doesn’t have the opportunities somebody who directed one of the greatest American independent films of all time oughta get. He’s always straight to video or TV. And although I’m starting to enjoy his stuff again (MORTUARY and especially TOOLBOX MURDERS were surprisingly watchable DTV – no, seriously guys) he’s about 93 million miles away from the guy he was when he directed that masterpiece all those years ago. (more…)

Unlike

Tags:
Posted in Action, Horror, Reviews | No Comments »

Page 1 of 212