Archive for April, 2007

Hot Fuzz

Saturday, April 28th, 2007

HOT FUZZ is the new British comedy picture from S. Pegg/N. Frost (lead comedy actors) and E. Wright (director). They are the same individuals responsible for SHAUN OF THE DEAD, the zombie comedy from a few years back that is known to be so potent that just the mention of it causes a boner on any film fan under the age of 27 residing within a 50′ radius, even if they don’t have the equipment.

Well, I’m gonna lose some credibility with my friends and colleagues in the nerd community by saying this, but I think these movies are a little overrated. I do not by any means think they are bad movies. They are fun movies, they have laughs, they are fairly original, and they are very sincere about their love for the genres they are paying tribute to, it’s not some Leslie Nielsen style “spoof.”

All I’m saying is, it’s not the second coming of Jesus. It’s not even the third coming of Jesus, when he is just trying to get attention. It’s not Prince coming to your house and writing songs about you for his new album. It’s just a funny comedy to watch once and then move on with your life, trying to do good deeds in the world, etc. In my opinion.

I guess with SHAUN OF THE DEAD my problem is a horror purist thing. Mixing comedy and horror is like mixing dangerous chemicals. You gotta do it just right or you’re gonna end up running down the street on fire like Richard Pryor. There are very few movies that mix a high volume of laughs without dilluting the horror. I would say AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON is the all time #1 perfect ratio for that mix. EVIL DEAD 2 is #2. RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD comes close but the punk rockers push it too far, some comedy drips down the side and burns off the skin on the side of your hand. SHAUN OF THE DEAD is not trying to be that kind of movie, but I guess that’s the kind of movie I’m looking for. Do you want to listen to “Weird Al” Yankovic or do you want to listen to real music? That’s an unfair comparison, but I gotta speak from my heart, friends. It’s a good comedy but they put those zombies in there and it just reminds me that I’d rather be watching a real zombie movie. That’s my bias, that’s my weakness, that’s my curse. The curse of the zombie. (more…)

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Double Dare

Saturday, April 28th, 2007

This is a 2004 documentary about two stunt women. One is a veteran, Jeannie Epper, double for Lynda Carter on WONDER WOMAN. The other is more of a newcomer, Zoe Bell, double for Xena the warrior princess. And of course now we know her for playing herself, Zoe Bell, stuntwoman, as the heroine of Tarantino’s DEATH PROOF. But this was before.

The movie splits between telling the stories of these two women. Jeannie is in the US, having a harder time getting jobs at her age, also involved in organizing younger stunt women and helping them out like a mom. (In fact, one stunt woman she helps is her daughter.) Meanwhile, Zoe is in New Zealand worried about her future because XENA is about to end.

Then – and I’m guessing this involves a breach of the documentarian code of honor, but oh well – Jeannie and Zoe meet. Zoe goes to the World Stunt Awards with Jeannie, almost gets groped by Gary Busey, goes to a workshop for learning how to fall from great heights, tries to get a new job. Jeannie helps her make headshots and gives her lots of tips.

It’s cool that they chose to make this documentary about Zoe at this particular time, because during the filming she ended up getting the job of all jobs as stunt double for The Bride in KILL BILL. I guess it would’ve been an interesting story if they just followed her after XENA and she faded off into obscurity. It’s hard out here for a stunt girl. Instead they’re there when it all goes down. First you see a scout for KILL BILL checking out Zoe at the falling workshop. Then you see her audition in front of Yuen Woo Ping and Tarantino, she keeps doing flips off a trampoline but not sticking the landing. Later you hear the actual phone call when they told her she got the job. And her calling her parents and telling them. It’s all in the movie. (more…)

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The Condemned

Wednesday, April 25th, 2007

My friends, I write to you with a heavy heart to admit that the prestigious WWE Films banner is starting to lose its luster. They have three movies under their belt now (get it, belt – that is a wrestling pun in my opinion) but the record now is 1 in 3. And the one I’m counting as good is SEE NO EVIL (click for review!) , the slasher movie about a big bald sexually repressed muscleman poking out people’s eyes in a scary hotel. So your mileage may vary. (mileage is a car metaphor, that is no longer wrestling related, sorry.)

THE CONDEMNED sort of stars Steve Austin, formerly known as Stone Cold Steve Austin, but maybe he dropped that after he got fired from wrestling for getting arrested for wife beating. I’m not sure. Austin is the most sympathetic of ten convicts that an amoral millionaire buys out of prisons in third world countries, puts on an island and forces to kill each other for one of those live streaming internet shows they have in horrible movies (see HALLOWEEN RESURRECTION). They have bombs attached to their ankles so they can’t escape, and if one is able to be the last one remaining he or she will be set free.

The movie has two advantages over the disappointing THE MARINE. Number one, it’s rated-R so it can have actual violence in it, not just explosions. Number two, Steve Austin makes a good action anti-hero, he is not bland and laughable like John Cena. Sure, they both have unnaturally large necks, but Austin seems like a genuine tough guy, not just an out of control muscle-sculpting experiment for some crazed fitness artist. The bad guys always call him “redneck” and “hillbilly” and I guess he has a little bit of a drawl, but his main appeal is his gravelly voice and his Plissken-esque don’t-give-a-fuck attitude. This crowd seemed to love it every time he barked out a sarcastic comment or called somebody “sweetheart,” and I don’t blame them. If he was given an actual character to play in a movie by people who knew how to make a real movie, he could be at least as good as Roddy Piper. (Not that any wrestler movie will ever match THEY LIVE. That’s a pipe dream.) (more…)

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Book Review: Men, Women, and Chain Saws: Gender in the Modern Horror Film

Tuesday, April 24th, 2007

Monday morning I heard a phrase on the radio that surprised me: “men, women and chain saws,” said in a somewhat dismissive voice.

What the hell? This was a weird coincidence. Men, Women and Chain Saws: Gender in the Modern Horror Film by Berkeley professor Carol J. Clover is a very academic book exploring gender issues in slasher, possession and rape-revenge films, mostly from the ’70s. I read the book years ago and it really affected my view of slasher movies. I paraphrase it alot when defending these kinds of movies (a pretty regular past time these days).

I think it’s been an influential book, but I don’t know anybody else who’s read it, so it was a surprise to hear it on the morning news. I had read it mentioned recently in the Fangoria horror magazine, when Quentin Tarantino mentioned it in an interview about Death Proof. It’s not surprising he read it. In the first half of Death Proof he uses alot of the slasher movie conventions discussed in the book, setting up Butterfly as what Clover calls “the Final Girl.” The biggest clue is that she has “the investigative gaze,” she’s the one who notices Stuntman Mike’s car and keeps eyeing him, and is scared of him. No one else realizes anything is wrong. Ordinarily this would mean that she would go on to survive and defeat, escape from, maybe even kill Stuntman Mike. But, well, maybe some other time. (Of course, he ends up making what is more obviously a feminist movie, not having to even have the women tormented too much before they want to spit on somebody’s grave.)

After Tarantino’s interview reminded me I thought I should read the book again, so I ordered a used one online. There’s alot more Freudian shit in there than I remembered, but it holds up. Clover’s main argument is that the slasher genre in general is not as misogynistic as its critics would have you believe. The book seems to be a response to critics like Siskel and Ebert who had crusaded against slasher movies in the wake of the Friday the 13th movies. She argues — and I think she’s completely right — that when an audience watches a movie like Texas Chain Saw Massacre or Halloween, or their lesser cousins and nephews, their sympathies lie with the victims. Although they may cheer when Jason squeezes a skull just right so that an eyeball pops out in 3-D, they will cheer louder when the Final Girl gives him what’s what. Many critics condescendingly assume that horror fans are crazed sadists popping boners from the torment of women. But Clover shows example after example after example of how the movies are specifically designed for the viewers, despite being mostly males, to put themselves in the woman’s shoes. (more…)

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Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon

Saturday, April 21st, 2007

Ever since this movie played some film festivals it has gotten great reviews, especially here on the internet where people tend to fall for this sort of shit. Of course you know I am a fan of the horrors and it’s always good to see somebody try a different approach, so I was hoping they were right. But one thing I noticed was every review I read would explain the premise, which sounded like a stupid idea that would never work. But at no point did any of the reviews say, “I know, this sounds like a stupid idea that would never work, but somehow they managed to pull it off.” Instead they talked about this idea like it was a good idea. A really good idea.

Here is the stupid idea that would never work: BEHIND THE MASK is done in a fake documentary style (or fakeumentary). It takes place in a world where the iconic killers of horror movies (Freddy, Jason, Michael Meyers and Chucky are specifically mentioned) are all real. A grad student who looks kind of like Sarah Polley is doing a documentary about a guy who calls himself Leslie Vernon, a guy who is an aspiring slasher. And he explains to the camera his whole made up horror backstory, how he picks out his victims and what he plans to do with them, all of course based on the formulas of slasher movies. And there is lots of jokes about how he has to work out alot to be able to chase people while it seems like he’s just walking, and corny shit like that. So it plays off of all these archetypes or cliches and then at the end it switches from documentary to “real movie” as he tries to kill his victims in scenes inspired by FRIDAY THE 13TH 2 and 3 (the Steve Miner years). And according to the vast majority of the critics, who really liked this movie, it gets genuinely scary at this point.

Well I beg to differ, although the “scary” part at the end is at least closer to pulling off its goal than the “funny” part. I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to be funny because the main guy, Leslie Vernon, who looks like Sean William Scott without the muscles, clearly thinks he’s being funny the whole time. Nice try dude. (more…)

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G’House and the Secrety of the Missing Bees

Saturday, April 21st, 2007

Okay, I got a new column for the first time in a couple months, so everybody’s gonna assume it’ll be about the recent tragedy in our country, the school shooting where some crazy asshole doubled the body count of the previous worst gun massacre in our history. It’s true, whenever something like this happens you feel like you sort of should say something, not just pretend like nothing happened. Even if right after it happens somebody else kills 150 people in Iraq.

And I have to admit, I looked at those pictures the killer sent to NBC, and as soon as I saw him posing with a claw hammer I thought, “Oh great. Now somebody’s gonna blame it on OLDBOY.” People are already talking about that (not that anybody’s buying it) and I think it’s only a matter of time before some dipshit politician starts talking Korean cinema on the floor of congress. When something like this happens that hits everybody in the gut you gotta try to make politics out of it, but it’s gotta ignore any actual causes (poor treatment for mental illness, easy access to guns) and blame everything on movies, video games, maybe ringtones. The old “in serious times, give them nothing but moronic horse shit for babies” technique. Also known as Liebermania.

But you know what, that dude put together a fuckin portfolio of publicity stills and promotional clips. To him those Columbine kids were some cool symbol like James Dean or Che Guevara on a t-shirt, and now he’s made himself into that for some future fucked up individual. Of course NBC is gonna use the photos, they’re not gonna throw them away. But now that asshole gets what he wants, we’re all talking about him. And future murderers are gonna send in their press kits too. That’s just fuckin great. So that’s it, I don’t want to write about that asshole anymore. Let’s talk about, uh, Tarantino.

(sorry. I was working on this topic before.) (more…)

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Enter the Ninja

Thursday, April 19th, 2007

This week I followed an anonymous tip to take a look at an individual name Sho Kosugi. This guy starred in a series of ninja movies and was said to be a missing link in my badass studies to date. I looked him up and found that ENTER THE NINJA is also known as NINJA 1 because it begins a series, so I started with that.

The movie opens promisingly with the badass in question, Mr. Sho Kosugi, in full ninja uniform, standing in front of a black void, demonstrating every weapon he knows. Nunchakas, throwing stars, arrows, daggers, grappling hook, blow gun. You name it, he spins it around or shoots it. The guy is obviously good and it’s kind of cool how he is basically doing show and tell for you throughout the opening credits. It might as well be some Ninja How-To video. But then all the sudden a ninja in all white flies onto the screen and “kicks” him in the head (although it doesn’t look like he makes contact at all).

Then we go into the opening scene, where this White Ninja fights Sho Kosugi. I call him White Ninja because not only is he wearing all white, but you can tell by his eyes that he’s a white man. White Ninja faces Sho Kosugi and his men (red ninjas), who chase him through the woods, over a waterfall, into a temple where he bows to an old man and then chops off his head.

Up to this point there is no dialogue, no explanation. But I think it’s pretty clear what’s going on here. White Ninja is mad because everybody makes fun of him for being White Ninja. Nothing against us white men, but we are not the best ninjas, in my opinion. It’s just not one of the things we’re good at. So to shame him for his whiteness the other ninjas call him White Ninja and force him to wear an all white ninja outfit. This is clearly a mocking gesture because why the hell would you wear a white ninja outfit unless you were going to assassinate somebody in the snow, or in DMX’s all white apartment from BELLY? Otherwise you stick out like a sore thumb, as demonstrated when he runs through the trees. There’s a reason why polar bears live in the snow and brown bears live in the woods, but ninja logic doesn’t follow nature, I guess. It is anti-nature. My guess is they tricked him and told him that wearing all white means you’re the most powerful ninja. And he fell for it. (more…)

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4/19/07

Thursday, April 19th, 2007

In the Department of Badass Studies, I got a review of an old ninja movie, ENTER THE NINJA. Also if you care I did a post about the BARBARELLA remake over on The Screengrab.

Since I write for The Screengrab now, I got forwarded (along with everybody else) a thing about if I wanted to set up an interview with Larry T. Cable Guy about his new comedy, DELTA FARCE. Now, I’ve never done interviews, I don’t really see promoting movies as part of my mission, and more importantly I’m not sure how the hell you record a phone interview. But it was pretty tempting. Here are some of the questions I would’ve liked to ask.

  1. Were you at all nervous about it, having to live up to the original DELTA FORCE?
  2. Is it based more on part 1 or is it kind of more like the sequels.
  3. In your movie LARRY THE CABLE GUY: HEALTH INSPECTOR, are you still a cable guy when you are a health inspector, or did you get fired. Did you ever consider LARRY THE CABLE GUY/HEALTH INSPECTOR.
  4. What did you think of THE CABLE GUY anyway. I know alot of people thought it was too dark at the time but I think it holds up better than the other Jim Carrey movies.
  5. Do you consider THE CABLE GUY to be one of his comedies, like ACE VENTURA, or is it more in the same category as his dramas like MAN ON THE MOON. Or is it somewhere in between?
  6. I didn’t know Owen Wilson was in THE CABLE GUY. I knew Jack Black was in it but did you know Owen Wilson was in it.
  7. In the movie CARS you played the voice of Mater, the lovable buck-toothed tow truck. I liked the movie but it was pretty confusing. How did the cars reproduce? If Mater fucked a ice cream truck what type of babies does that make? How many wheels would it have?
  8. What about a motorcycle?
  9. You’re the guy who says “Git R Done.” I don’t really get it. Who is she?
    followup: You know, the lady that we’re supposed to git done. Who is she?
    followup 2: Oh okay, so it’s like “Keep ‘er Real,” like we say on the west coast. I get it now.
  10. Did you feel bad about Danny Trejo having to be in your movie.
  11. In your movie you are an army reservist headed for Iraq who is accidentally dropped off in Mexico. You must’ve had to do alot of research. Do you feel that there is a military solution to the conflict in Iraq, or does our presence alone create the instability? Also what is your take on the Israel-Palestine problem? What would you do to git r done there?
  12. A friend of mine had some problem with his cable and he called up and they didn’t send a cable guy, they just flipped some switch while he was on the phone, and then he had to pay for that. That’s bullshit. This is more of a statement than a question.
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Can Jane Fonda Be Outdone? The Barbarella Remake…

Thursday, April 19th, 2007

So the rumor now is that Kate Beckinsale is the frontrunner to play Barbarella in the new Dino De Laurentiis production. I’m pleasantly surprised if that’s who they’re going for. She’s not perfect, she’s no Jane Fonda, but I can imagine her doing a pretty good job. And I’m relieved to see they’re putting a few years between Barbarella and the Paris Hilton generation of actresses, the ones they got now that carry portable dogs and wear giant novelty sized sunglasses. You can’t have a Barbarella like that.

This might be saying too much, but nerve.com is some kind of sex magazine isn’t it, so I’m gonna go for it. Barbarella is, in my opinion, the sexiest movie of all time. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for hardcore pornography, etc., and Barbarella is very tame. It only has a few teasing glimpses of boobs and the sex often involves pills or machines. (I know some people get off on watching girls screwin machines in pornography now, but that’s not my thing.) But something about the whole world of Barbarella, the crazy space costumes, the shag carpeting in her ship, the groovy psychedelic music… Shit, I’m not one of these sci-fi geeks, but if the technology was available I would consider running away with Barbarella. We could go ride around on that little ski sled thing, shoot some arrows together. I don’t think the leathermen are all that tough, and I could definitely kick away those fuckin killer dolls. I can’t fly, like Pygar, but eyesight… that’s gotta count for something. I think I could cut it in space. I could be a pretty decent space boyfriend, if I worked at it. Although I would feel pretty self conscious flyin around in a spaceship shaped like a dick. I might have to rethink this. (more…)

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4/18/07

Wednesday, April 18th, 2007

Wow, my man “Pervy” Paul Verhoeven really pulled it through with his new one BLACK BOOK. We’re talkin a serious return to form, or new plateau or something. I give it my highest recommendation, the Vern Ribbon of Certified Excellence. (or whatever my highest recommendation would be called if it had a name.)

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