Sometimes I think I oughta just change the name of this column to WHAT THE SHIT IS GOING ON IN THIS COUNTRY?! I mean seriously.

Take this Howard Dean business for example. I know the republicans are scowering the shit out of his past. The media wants him dead, and they’ll do whatever they can to nail his balls to a wall and then pee all over him. You know, practically every politician is getting a bribe or a blowjob or some stupid shit and all everybody can find on this guy is, “he went ‘Yeeeahhh!!!’”

That’s a fucking scandal? How did this even make it on TV? It’s been the top story all week. Shit, even Michael Jackson is real news compared to this! This is a waterskiing squirrel. They’re writing epic poems about a 2 second video clip of the guy being goofy to rile up a crowd. I mean, they had more intelligent discussions on the red carpet coverage at the golden globes. They didn’t do that for Bush’s “fool me once, shame, shame on me, shame shame shame, you can’t fool me again” or whatever he said. They didn’t do it for dropping his dog or falling of a segway (previously believed impossible) and it took them months to notice him standing on the aircraft carrier or saying “bring ‘em on” or lying about uranium or etc.

But Howard Dean goes “yyyeaaaah!!!” in a funny voice and they’re outraged.

I’ve been beating up on Fox, uh, News for a long time so let me take some swipes at CNN. I can’t turn the fucking channel on without seeing Robert Novak (now known as “Bob”, he’s on so much) criticizing Howard Dean. Novak was on one CNN show the other day talking about “the now infamous speech” and he said “that was what Howard Dean wanted to show America, and America didn’t like it.” (more…)

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Okay, so I’m sure you’re used to my little hiatuses by now, but I gotta say I’m sorry for this one. What, was I fucking hibernating? Actually it was a variety of mishaps and whatnot which kept me offline which in turn stopped me from writing reviews and even got my hotmail account shut down for a while. So if I missed anyone’s e-mails I apologize.

So what all has happened since last time? I didn’t see MYSTIC RIVER until the other day so I didn’t review that yet. I did bash the Texas Chain Saw remake’s head in over on the Ain’t It Cool News. I think Cuba Gooding junior came out with a new retard movie, or was it gay jokes this time? I never saw it. ELF was kinda cute, Tupac came out with a new one – when is that guy gonna start directing? – BAD SANTA was pretty funny, and I liked the cartoon about the singing triplets. Seagal did a new one with Ching-Siu Tung, next up is Ringo Lam.

I liked the new matrixes, I loved KILL BILL, but one thing we can all agree on is that new lord of the rings sequel is pretty much the greatest ever. At least, best movie involving giant eagles and elephants, with ghosts and elves and shit. Mr. Jackson and company have really gotten their footing on this one, they know exactly what they’re doing and we’re real attached to the characters now. Lots of drama, lots of macho crying, lots of giant elephants tipping over. I never seen anything like it. I hope my man in new zealand Andrew is reading this. Way to go Z-Land.

Can’t wait for part 4.

And now we got these anti-piracy sermons playing before movies. Some stuntman tells us that he literally gave his left nut for the car chase in some shitty police thriller and if a 14 year old kid downloads it even once, he will have to slaughter his children for meat if he’s going to survive. I never watched a shitty download movie in my life, I still love to hear people boo down this propaganda. If I wanted to be preached to, I woulda waited at the bus stop where that guy yells at me through a megaphone about the king of kings and the lord of the lords. (more…)

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