originally posted at The Ain’t It Cool News
Dear Harry,
Like I promised I’m back with more incredibly insightful and well Written SIFF coverage and last night I went to the midnight show of BUBBA HO TEP. I know you guys have already reviewed the shit out of this movie but personally I never read any of those reviews because I was waiting for me to review it. And I sincerely doubt I was the only one. So here it is folks, your very first look at BUBBA HO TEP. (more…)
Dear Harry,
It’s your personal buddy Vern here reporting from lovely Seattle where I plan to actually get off my ass and see some movies at the film festival this year. I’m gonna have to miss the cartoon one where it’s the matrix but I did get a ticket for the mummy one where Bruce Campbell is Elvis. Also I was wondering man were you serious about wanting to see werewolves in the Matrix? That one threw me off there bud but there’s another movie that me and you see more like eye-to-eye on and that’s THE REVOLUTION WILL NOT BE TELEVISED.
That’s the real reason I’m Writing Harry because I want to thank you for your review of this movie. I never would’ve heard of it but you made it sound good so I made sure to see it at SIFF here. And MAN you were not exaggerating. This is the best movie I’ve seen in a real long time and with the audience cheering and hissing and gasping like a bunch of star wars nerds at a midnight show I think it has a good chance at the best documentary award. When it was over I looked back at the crowd and people looked absolutely elated like they couldn’t even believe they really just saw that. One woman loudly declared “That was in-credible!” and it was kind of like she was an official spokesperson speaking fon behalf of everybody there.
If you missed Harry’s review or you forgot about it, this is the incredible Irish-made documentary about the failed coup in Venezuala last year. Maybe that doesn’t sound that interesting to you because you’re picturing a typical historical documentary pieced together from file footage and talking head interviews. Not like the band talking heads. Well, you know what I mean. What makes this picture amazing is that there’s hardly any of that – most of the footage comes from dumb luck, a film crew that just happened to be standing right over the X on the map of Venezuelan history. It’s like when the Maysles brothers were doing a documentary about the Rolling Stones and it just happened that they were filming at Altamont, only this is on a grander scale. Here’s a film crew doing a documentary about this fascinating, controversial figure, the democratically elected but controversial Hugo Chavez, and then they’re RIGHT THERE when some rogue generals come into the palace, demand his resignation, then abduct him when he refuses. (Actually they’re right outside of the doors where this confrontation happens, so you get to watch the terrified faces of everybody else in the palace, and then you see Chavez paraded away shouting “Never give up!” to his faithful cabinet ministers.) (more…)
Hey folks. I haven’t written since the war began. I spent the first week protesting and the weeks since banging my head against a wall hoping if I do it hard enough my country will come back. I mean can you fucking believe that shit on the USS Abraham Lincoln? Bush, renowned draft dodger and AWOL weekend warrior, dresses up like a soldier and lands in a fucking jet so he’ll seem like “one of them” on TV. It was just like that celebrity stunt show where Vanilla Ice jumped a motorcycle, except this one is being paid for by our tax dollars. They said Bush had to go in a military jet because the carrier was too far at sea for a helicopter. But the next day they admitted that actually the helicopter would’ve worked better, and that they had had to slow down the ship and change its course to get a camera angle where you only saw water in the background, not the nearby San Diego coastline. The carrier had already been emptied of fighter jets but the White House requested they keep one of them there so it could be in the background during the speech. I know all presidents are phoneys but has there ever been one more phoney? The only thing that could’ve made the whole thing worthwhile would be if that famous Washington DC statue of Abraham Lincoln had come to life Dai Majin style, risen out of the water and started banging Bush over the head with his chair.
Anyway I apologize if this column seems even more rambling than usual. I’ve been working on it for a while but there are so many outrages every day that I had to keep updating and adding and deleting. But here it is. (more…)
Dear Mystique,
Hey sugar it’s me Vern. Remember me I reviewed your first movie “the x-men” and even though I don’t read that comic strip shit, I enjoyed the picture. Well I gotta say although the title “x part 2 x-men united” is pretty terrible I also enjoyed your part 2. It doesn’t have the same “I can’t believe this isn’t total shit” surprise factor but instead it has these characters that I enjoyed in the first picture and it tries to add more depth and drama and convolutedness to their adventures and what not. like a comic strip book.
But the reason I’m Writing to you mystique is because you are my favorite mutant now. Don’t get me wrong, I still think Young Clint Eastwood is great as Professor Logan Wolverine, the art teacher at X-Men Community College. There is another X-Man called Rogue but she’s not really a Rogue, she always sits at the same table as Iceman and Fireman. Professor Wolverine is the real rogue, he wanders around in the snow by himself uncovering his past and going on adventures and shit. Who knows what happened between part 1 and part 2, he could’ve saved an injured baby polar bear, or he could’ve gotten in a fight with a yeti, or got buried under an avalanche and had to melt his way out by banging his metal freddy krueger claws against each other to create heat. I mean anything could’ve happened, as long as it is snow related. Anyway he’s the real rogue, so when he goes to the X-Man school to try to find beer, all the kids follow him around because he’s cool. I liked when he said “You picked the wrong house, bub.” That was pretty tough.
Most improved X-Man goes to Storm, played by Halle Berry. Her wig looks alot better and I guess the oscar made her try harder. She’s actually kind of scary this time when she gets the weather control going. (more…)
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