I'm not trying to be a hero! I'M FIGHTING THE DRAGON!!

Archive for October, 1999

Halloween

Friday, October 29th, 1999

Okay guys I know its not monday yet but i have a new column for you – a special halloween treat for all you motherfuckers that like all the spooky shit.

what i decided to do is rent every movie i could find with the word halloween in it. This is what i got:

Halloween
Halloween 2
Halloween 3: Season of the Witch
Halloween: The Curse of Michael Meyers
Halloween 5
H20 Halloween

Now, as my regular readers know old vern has been out of the picture for a while. This is my first halloween in many years so it is a special treat. i cannot remember the last time i watched a scary movie for halloween, let alone 6 in a row. I think i have seen the first halloween movie before but this is the first time i have been able to watch the whole trilogy. (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

Mambo Socks

Monday, October 18th, 1999

First of all guys I gotta say, I don’t know WHO that motherfucker on the logo is it does NOT look like me. For one thing I got GRAY hair, not green.

I don’t know about this Walter leno dude doing my designs but what the fuck man i gotta keep up with the times and this dude tells me he is pretty fucking cutting edge in his opinion.

Now, today i will tell a story about a prison riot to answer a complaint from a gal from the guestbook page of my sight.

Dear Sir, As a fine Christian woman of strong moral values, I must in good conscience inform you that your site is a disgusting, shameless mockery of my religion. You, sir, may call yourself a Christian, but you are no Christian I’ve ever known. Your constant use o unnecessary expletitives, your homosexual tendencies, and your constant threats of violence have no place in the Christian church and/or community. And no, you cannot have my e-mail address; I have children who use this computer, and who knows what kind f depravity you’d get them into. I’ve seen “South Park”, I know what’s out there.

–Name withheld
Vern’s guestbook

Believe it or not, i actually get this alot. “Hey vern how your such a christian your always raping guys in the ass.” Well first of all, i am NOT raping anyone, that was my past (in prison only) and as a christian no, i am not proud of it if that’s what your asking. (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

Fight Club

Monday, October 11th, 1999

Fight ClubFirst of all thanks guys for making my first column a success, by reading it.

Also i’m sorry my sight has been offline I don’t know WHAT the fuck is wrong with geocities.

now every so often there is a movie that comes along that really hits a motherfucker right in the balls and says LOOK AT ME, MOTHERFUCKER – I AM A CLASSIC.

the motherfucker i’m talking about is of course fight club, the new movie by david fincher. david fincher for those of you who don’t know is a director of beer commercials from the ’80s. like beer commercials Fight club is a movie with assloads of style. unlike commercials, this is a movie about NOT buying products, or rather not buying into the idea that material objects are your life. the star is a guy by the name of “narrator” who is kind of a yuppie type dude working at a car company, wearing a tie, traveling around to take a look at burnt up cars.

by the way, don’t read this column if you haven’t seen fith club. id on’t want to ruin it for you. Just go to the bottom and order something from reel.com so a motherfucker can eat.

Now i don’t think i have to tell you this dude narrator is not happy, and that is why when his condo gets blown to shit, he decides to squat in the most fucked up house you ever saw. this is a piece of shit with no water, electricity, tv and falling apart. and narrator is happier than ever because when it comes down to it a nice condo is not worth a fucking penny compared to living life the way you want to.

actually iguess i don’t have to explain it because you guys have already seen it. sorry. So here is what I think. (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

My First Column

Monday, October 11th, 1999

In this new column what it is is I answer your questions and tell you my opinion on various shit.That’s why it’s called “VERN TELL’S IT LIKE IT IS” because frankly that is EXACTLY what I will be doing. And if you don’t like it than fuck you jack.

For my first column, October 11 1999 I will be answering a question which was asked to me by my bud musemalade from rec.arts.movies.current-films. this is a dude who knows a lot of shit about movies and i find a guy like me humble and learning from this man just about every fucking day. so do NOT be disrespecting this guy in front of me in my opinion it would NOT be a picnic.

Hey guy there’s one question I’m curious about and you don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to, since I know you’re trying to practice your writing and become better and all. I have to ask anyway: why are you calling yourself an “outlaw” if you’re trying to sober up and go clean? I think it’s a bit of a contradiction myself, but don’t take offense since I mean no offense by it. I’m just trying to help.

–Musemalade, rec.arts.movies.current-films

Well bud that’s a very good question to be frankly honest and i’m going to answer it in today’s column. i can understand why you might consider it a contradiction or whatever but i do NOT agree in my opinion and this is why.

as an armed robber and criminal i was an “outlaw” in the classic sense of the old west, motherfuckers like billy the kid, bonnie and clyde, eddie the splayer, etc. That is NOT what i am about anymore although i do like a good cowboy movie now and then. (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.