F9: THE FAST SAGA, a.k.a. FAST 9, actual onscreen title: FF: F9, is not the Platonic ideal of a FAST AND FURIOUS movie. That would be FURIOUS 6 or FAST FIVE. But if Plato is anything like me he would’ve appreciated this one for what it is. I don’t know how much of a grump he was.
(lots of spoilers here of course)
This is the first FAST movie since 2003’s 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS that’s not written by Chris Morgan, instead being credited to Daniel Casey (KIN) & director Justin Lin (HOLLYWOOD ADVENTURES) with a story by those two & Alfredo Botello (uncredited revisions on TOKYO DRIFT). They’ve come up with a patchwork that certainly shows the dangers of a movie series going on for twenty years with at least half that time spent trying to top itself in size and ridiculousness each time out. But for me it has a much better balance of preposterous action and sincere melodrama than, at the very least, HOBBS & SHAW and FATE OF THE FURIOUS. It has more and better spectacle than your average movie, but also requires that you like the characters and themes of the series to enjoy it. In fact, in between a car somehow Tarzan-swinging across cliffs on a rope and another one being (as you’ve surely heard) launched into space, you’re gonna spend a surprising amount of time in 1989 when Dominic Toretto’s dad (J.D. Pardo, THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 2, SNITCH) was killed in a racing accident and Dom went to prison for beating another driver (Jim Parrack, FURY) with a wrench. (read the rest of this shit…)
(note: Some people call it X-FILES: FIGHT THE FUTURE, but I think “fight the future” is just the tag line, like “DIE HARDER.”)
Oh shit, man. The ’90s. The X-Files sure was a bigger deal in the ’90s, wasn’t it? And in some ways this movie spin-off of the show is the most era-representative of the ones I’ve watched in this series so far. Not in style, or in any kind of fun, nostalgic way – it doesn’t feel very dated – but just in its view of the world. It spoke to a type of pre-millennium paranoia that has uncool associations today, but at the time was fresh and edgy and hip.
See, the internet was pretty new, so it wasn’t common to know about every strange belief or kooky fringe group. If you wanted to find out about some weird creature somebody claimed to spot you had to read outdated cryptozoology books at the library. If you wanted to know about UFO cults you had to know their address and send them a self addressed stamped envelope and read their newsletter. I don’t know why, but that’s what I did at a certain age. One time I even went to a UFO cult’s presentation on a college campus. All I really remember was a woman with a shaved head who seemed very sincere about all this. A few years later when the mass suicide happened I dug out a handout I’d saved, and though it didn’t say “Heaven’s Gate” on it anywhere it described the same theology, following the teachings of someone called “The Two” or “Ti and Do.” And I always wondered if that lady got out in time. (read the rest of this shit…)
Note: as usual, I recommend reading this only after you’ve seen the movie.
How the hell do you follow a movie with a classic freeway cars vs. tank battle and a legendary 27.86 mile cars vs. planes gun/grappling hook/wrestling fight? Well, we already had a good idea from the trailers: with cars that skydive and jump from skyscraper to skyscraper and with Jason Statham. The day after my first viewing I feel like FURIOUS SEVEN is probly not as good as FAST FIVE or FURIOUS 6, but it’s in the same range at least, which is a feat. And due to real life this silly fictional world turns very emotional at the end. I suspect that despite all the effort put into automotive insanity this will primarily be remembered as the one that says goodbye to Paul Walker.
It’s a blessing because really, when has a tragically passed-on star been able to have such a meta farewell in a movie? The character of Brian O’Conner gets to drive off into the sunset and the public gets to share in the send off as a narrating Vin Diesel/Dominic Torretto pay tribute simultaneously in and out of character. Heath Ledger might’ve had a better last big performance, but he was left hanging on the side of a building.
(It’s a little unclear what it means on the movie level, though. Are Brian and Mia and the kids driving off to be far away from Dom so they can be sure to stay out of trouble? Or is Dom just not planning to visit his own sister, best friend, niece and nephew if he’s not shooting guns anymore? Maybe he’s just assuming that now that he’s a dad Brian’s not gonna hang out anymore?) (read the rest of this shit…)
Ladies and gentlemen, we got him. This summer, when FURIOUS 6’s mid-credits sequence caught up with the Han’s-death scene from THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT three movies ago, it created opportunity for what many of us had been hoping for for years: bringing back Sean Boswell, the redneck kid who was transplanted to Tokyo and became their new king of street racing (under the tutelage of Han and with the blessing of Sonny Chiba). But in all the exciting FAST AND FURIOUS 7 casting stories we’ve heard (along with the great returning cast they’ve added Jason Statham, Kurt Russell and Tony God Damn Jaa, plus a cameo by Ronda Rousey) Black was never mentioned, and I gave up hoping that the producers agreed with us that this was important.
But they do! Deadline reports the triumphant news that Black “has signed a deal that calls for his character to become a regular in the series and (get this…) “he will be part of at least the next three installments.”
THEY ARE PLANNING A WHOLE NEW SEAN BOSWELL TRILOGY, PEOPLE
One thing that could be potentially funny, it seems like they will need to begin with Dom coming to Tokyo looking for the man who blew up Han, or at least immediately after those events. So Sean should still be a high school student… but the movie will actually be coming out 8 years after TOKYO DRIFT, and Black is 30 now! I hope they make him wear the same clothes. The poor guy.
Now let’s use The Secret to get a Bow-Wow-in-Hulkmobile cameo.
I thought DAYBREAKERS was much better than the dumb B-movie I expected, but if I needed one of those in my diet it’s a good thing LEGION also came out on DVD this week. It’s a cheesy but sort of interesting movie about a group of stock characters trapped at one of those old timey diners that if you’re a character in a movie you will drive out into the middle of nowhere and happen to be at when some shit goes down. In this case it happens to be ground zero in God’s plan to wipe out humanity because, according to the narrator, “He got tired of all the bullshit.” (read the rest of this shit…)
This third picture in the FAST AND THE FURIOUS trilogy saga is pretty different and at first doesn’t even seem to be connected to the other ones. I never saw Academy Award nominee for best director John Singleton’s 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS, but I know Paul Walker returned and Vin Diesel didn’t. And I believe Tyrese showed up. This time around we lose everybody and start over with a new character played by Lucas Black (the kid from SLING BLADE who I last saw in a small role in JARHEAD).
The first section of the movie, which is also the best section, is all about Lucas Black getting into macho confrontations with dudes and then having a race. In the opening he’s leaving school, getting into his junker car when he exchanges words with a rich asshole jock dickhead (HOME IMPROVEMENT’s Zachary Ty Bryan, still wearing a letterman’s jacket at 24). You can already tell this is gonna be a worthwhile movie when it starts playing western style music and showing closeups of their faces as they stare each other down. They’re about to get in a wrench fight when the jock’s girlfriend suggests a peaceful solution: a fast and/or furious race. Lucas Black says, “I only race for pink slips,” (he doesn’t mention whether or not he lives life a quarter mile at a time) but since the HOME IMPROVEMENT guy’s Viper is worth $80,000, the bet is not agreed upon. So the girlfriend suggests herself as the prize. So you know the western music was not lying about this movie being awesome. (read the rest of this shit…)
I actually saw this movie weeks ago, and I thought of this new technique to try: research. See, this is what happens. I see a movie and I like it, but it’s based on a book I haven’t read and I wonder how it compares. Maybe I wouldn’t feel the same about it if I knew my shit. This time I decided instead of reviewing the movie right away I would first read the book, then see what I thought.
The only problem is that after I read the book the movie wasn’t as fresh in my mind and it kind of blended in with the book. So I struggled with the review for a while until neither the book or the movie were fresh in my mind. What I’m trying to say is, this review might not be so hot. If I get all confused and start talking about leprechauns or a circus montage or something that doesn’t seem to fit what you know about the movie JARHEAD, do not take my word for it, assume that I am confused. Learn from my mistakes people, don’t read books or learn stuff. Because the more you find out, the more you forget about that you used to know. (read the rest of this shit…)
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Recent commentary and jibber-jabber
AI Rap Video on V/H/S/Mixtape: “The GWAR wraparound with the ketchup-cannon jerking-off contest and Grodius’s “mom” walking in made me laugh out loud, and it’s…” Oct 31, 06:18
CJ Holden on Silent Hill (20 years later): “I love this movie, but that it falls a bit apart at the end and that the father subplot isn’t…” Oct 30, 23:23
Mr.Shemp on Wildwood: “Vern, that’s completely nuts that every single major studio turned down WILDWOOD for distribution. Almost all of the animated flicks…” Oct 30, 23:00
Ryan on Silent Hill (20 years later): “Of all the changes for the film adaptation, the most notable is that the game doesn’t have anything like the…” Oct 30, 18:56
Alex R on Silent Hill (20 years later): “Was just thinking today that one of the hardest times I’ve ever laughed was when I saw a Silent Hill…” Oct 30, 17:14
Mr. Majestyk on Silent Hill (20 years later): “I also like the second one because it’s just a straightforward geek show. The HELLRAISER III or RESIDENT EVIL 5…” Oct 30, 16:04
Kim Cardassian on Silent Hill (20 years later): “This is definitely the best of the bunch when it comes to the Silent Hill movies, but I’ll also cop…” Oct 30, 15:30
burningambulance on Silent Hill (20 years later): “I don’t think I even knew this was a video game when I watched it. (Aside from playing in literal…” Oct 30, 13:46
dwain_gr on Wildwood: “What really stands out is how much attention the creators have paid to even the smallest details, some of which…” Oct 30, 07:09
VERN on Wildwood: “dreadguacamole – Yeah, I agree with you about the kidnapping, but there were some young kids behind me cracking up…” Oct 29, 23:09
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Mr.Shemp on Wildwood: “This is a tremendous and beautiful movie. I just saw it on the biggest screen at my local a few…” Oct 29, 21:36
Hammer Time on Wildwood: “Portlander here – I apologize for Voodoo Doughnuts. What started as a place drunk people went to get some carbs…” Oct 29, 18:56
dreadguacamole on Wildwood: “Beautiful review for a beautiful movie – It boggles my mind that this is only Laika’s second or third best…” Oct 29, 18:41
Curt on Logan: “Pour some Earl Grey on the curb for Sir Patrick. RIP” Oct 29, 17:42
F9: THE FAST SAGA, a.k.a. FAST 9, actual onscreen title: FF: F9, is not the Platonic ideal of a FAST AND FURIOUS movie. That would be FURIOUS 6 or FAST FIVE. But if Plato is anything like me he would’ve appreciated this one for what it is. I don’t know how much of a grump he was.
June 19, 1998
Oh shit, man. The ’90s. The X-Files sure was a bigger deal in the ’90s, wasn’t it? And in some ways this movie spin-off of the show is the most era-representative of the ones I’ve watched in 
Note: as usual, I recommend reading this only after you’ve seen the movie.
I thought DAYBREAKERS was much better than the dumb B-movie I expected, but if I needed one of those in my diet it’s a good thing LEGION also came out on DVD this week. It’s a cheesy but sort of interesting movie about a group of stock characters trapped at one of those old timey diners that if you’re a character in a movie you will drive out into the middle of nowhere and happen to be at when some shit goes down. In this case it happens to be ground zero in God’s plan to wipe out humanity because, according to the narrator, “He got tired of all the bullshit.” 
This third picture in the FAST AND THE FURIOUS trilogy saga is pretty different and at first doesn’t even seem to be connected to the other ones. I never saw Academy Award nominee for best director John Singleton’s 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS, but I know Paul Walker returned and Vin Diesel didn’t. And I believe Tyrese showed up. This time around we lose everybody and start over with a new character played by Lucas Black (the kid from SLING BLADE who I last saw in a small role in JARHEAD).
I actually saw this movie weeks ago, and I thought of this new technique to try: research. See, this is what happens. I see a movie and I like it, but it’s based on a book I haven’t read and I wonder how it compares. Maybe I wouldn’t feel the same about it if I knew my shit. This time I decided instead of reviewing the movie right away I would first read the book, then see what I thought.
