"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze

tn_tmnt2summer2016originsTEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES II: THE SECRET OF THE OOZE finds the four rubber turtle people (now with different voices, but I only noticed because Corey Feldman was missing) and their master Splinter the rat co-habitating with locally famous human TV reporter April O’Neil (now played by Paige Turco [THE STEPFATHER, The 100] instead of Judith Hoag). They make a mess of her apartment, order stacks of pizza all day and hang up a swimsuit babe poster. They’re still trying to keep their existence a secret from other humans, but in the opening a young pizza boy named Keno (Ernie Reyes Jr.) witnesses them stopping a robbery, and helps them using his own martial arts skills.

It seems like a pizza deliverer would be the most desirable possible friend for these turtles, because you see they love pizza is one of the main things we have learned about these characters through years of development in many different mediums, from years of comic books, several different animated series, one live action series, one animated movie, two live action(ish) movie franchises and a live tour. Still, they brush him off and return to Splinter-prescribed secrecy until Keno spots them in the apartment while delivering more pizzas. Splinter gives him some fighting and meditation training but tells him to stay out of their fight against Shredder. Keno completely ignores this, and there are no negative consequences. You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, rat. Who oozed and made you talk, anyway? (read the rest of this shit…)

July 5th, 2016 | 26 Comments »

Never Back Down: No Surrender

tn_nbd3The world needs the NEVER BACK DOWN series. Why? Because we don’t have a currently running NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER series, or a BLOODSPORT series, or a BLOODFIST series. We will soon have more KICKBOXER, but that’s not enough.

If I had to guess I’d say your average citizen on or off the street doesn’t know what the fuck a NEVER BACK DOWN is, so I’m gonna explain it to everybody now. Part 1 was a slick theatrical release, a dumb movie with the admirably ridiculous premise of combining a teen romance type of story with an underground fighting tournament. They’re supposed to be these legendary illegal pitfighters but also they go to the same high school. The hero was Tom Cruise lookalike Sean Faris (STASH HOUSE), the villain was Cam Gigandet (IN THE BLOOD), the mentor was Academy Award nominee Djimon Honsou (ELEPHANT WHITE). Afterwards they all went their separate ways: director Jeff Wadlow went on to do KICK-ASS 2, comic relief nerd Evan Peters went on to become Quicksilver in the X-MEN pictures, love interest Amber Heard went on to become Amber Heard. And that could’ve been the end of never backing down. (read the rest of this shit…)

July 4th, 2016 | 11 Comments »

E-book people: Get Niketown for half off

tn_niketownI do my e-books through this company called Smashwords, which is having a “July Summer/Winter Sale.” Don’t ask me why it’s a winter sale, but the point is I’m offering my novel Niketown for 50% off on there all through July. It’s ordinarily a mere five bucks and now it is a pathetic $2.50. I just checked, and that’s less than it would cost you to buy a thing of Mentos at Target. I cannot guarantee fresh breath, but I can guarantee that it will be more mentally stimulating than your Mentos. I mean, you could easily get both the Mentos and Niketown, it would still be very cheap. I’m not trying to talk you out of the Mentos.

Mentos: More expensive than the e-book of Niketown right now
Mentos: More expensive than the e-book of Niketown right now

 

Anyway, I’m very proud of the book and the elite individuals who read it tend to tell me they liked it. Maybe it’s time you joined them.

GET IT RIGHT HERE, and for some reason they make you use the coupon code SSW50, but if I can pour my heart and soul into a book for years then you can type in three letters and two numbers to save $2.50 on it, in my opinion.

Seriously though, I hope some of you check it out and enjoy it. Thank you!

July 1st, 2016 | 19 Comments »

Revisiting the X-Men trilogy

summer2016originstn_x-menX-MEN (2000)

Remember when comic book movies were rare, and usually bad? When the idea of a Marvel Comics movie not powered by Wesley Snipes being a mainstream hit seemed laughable? It’s hard to believe that Bryan Singer, then the respected director of Oscar-winning THE USUAL SUSPECTS, and not a self-identified “geek”, was there to take the torch from BLADE, and that he is still doing X-Men movies 16 years later. Now he’s in a vastly different pop culture, where there are nine total movies in this world (plus more, including a TV show, in the works)… and it’s not even one of the more popular Marvel Comics movie franchises currently running!

We’re used to the X-Men now. We have experienced alternate timelines, recastings and two different spin-off series. And I don’t know if I’d ever rewatched the first one since part 2 came out. I wasn’t sure how well it would hold up, but I gotta tell you, I liking going back to a world where they had to work to convince us that this shit was cool. They took nothing for granted. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 30th, 2016 | 21 Comments »

I’m giving away two Blu-Rays of CODE OF HONOR starring Steven Seagal

tn_codeofhonorOkay, everybody remain calm, I know this is fucking crazy but two of you lucky individuals are about to have your lives changed FOREVER. Some day soon, a CODE OF HONOR blu-ray will arrive at your home, and from that moment until the end of your life, you will never have not once been an owner of CODE OF HONOR on blu-ray. These sort of momentous events cannot be planned for. The best we can do is just take a deep breath and let destiny do her thing.

Here’s how to enter: in the comments, write me a sentence or a paragraph about a movie character you like that operates by a code of honor. It could be a Seagal character or otherwise. I will (somewhat arbitrarily, I suspect) choose two winners at noon on July 5th, which also happens to be the release date of CODE OF HONOR starring Steven Seagal as basically The Punisher.

Please make sure to use your current email when you sign in so I can get a hold of you if you win.

One catch: Lionsgate will only ship inside the U.S. Sorry about that my international friends. I don’t make the rules. That’s just how the lion’s gate swings. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 29th, 2016 | 58 Comments »

Alice Through the Looking Glass (1966)

tn_alicesummer2016origins

Maybe it doesn’t mean shit to you whippersnappers, but Alice was one of the favorite properties of many young geeks growing up in the late 19th century. And fave genre author Lewis Carroll would be happy to know that his content still exists today. Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There is Lewis Carroll’s 1871 young adult beach read sequel to the 1865 blockbuster franchise-starter Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.

Part 2 is a similar nonsense adventure tale where half a year later Alice decides to step through a mirror into a fantasy world on the other side for one last mission. Instead of a government and military force based on playing cards, this time they’re based on chess pieces. TOTALLY DIFFERENT. It’s just a shame Carroll gave it that cumbersome title instead of something sleek like A2: DARK REFLECTION so it would’ve caught on better.

In the tradition of the BOURNE or FRIDAY THE 13TH series, many of the elements associated with the Alice in Wonderland intellectual propertyverse are actually from part 2. The singing flowers, the weird, rotund twin manbabies Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum and the poem that they recite (“The Walrus and the Carpenter”) were all included in Disney’s 1951 animated classic ALICE IN WONDERLAND, which continues to be the best known version of the story. Alice finds the poem “Jabberwocky” in a book, but unfortunately it made no sense, audiences couldn’t relate. Luckily we got his backstory in ALICE IN WONDERLAND ORIGINS: JABBERWOCKY (1977) by Terry Gilliam. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 29th, 2016 | 8 Comments »

Captain America

tn_captainamerica90summer2016originsEXPLANATORY INTRODUCTION PARAGRAPH: I have noticed that some of the movies coming out this summer are based on pre-existing characters or stories. In this off and on series we’ll look at earlier versions.

I don’t know if the young people know about this now, but in 1989 Tim Burton’s BATMAN (do people even watch that anymore?) was a gigantic explosion in pop culture. This was way back when “geek” was considered an insult and “actually some comic books aren’t just for kids they call them graphic novels” was considered interesting trivia. A movie about a super hero hadn’t been popular since SUPERMAN twelve years earlier, and that had seemed like an isolated incident. Now all the sudden the world was captivated by billboards and merchandise of just the bat symbol. It was on cereal boxes and racks of bootleg t-shirts in parking lots. Batman was worn by skateboarders, celebrated in weird Prince videos on MTV, welcomed back nostalgically in reruns of the ’60s comedy series starring Adam West. Intrigued newcomers picked up paperbacks of the groundbreaking ’80s work of dark Batman that were considered sacred texts from publication until the exact moment when musclebound Zack Snyder picked up the ball (the dodge ball?) and ran with it. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 28th, 2016 | 16 Comments »

Self indulgent THE GOOD THE TOUGH AND THE DEADLY journal

tn_gdtBwarning: I had to write this down as a time capsule of my book signing experience. Read at own risk.

 

Today, like the mighty sasquatch, I live as a recluse somewhere in the Pacific Northwest. Yesterday, in the name of transparency, I was out in the open in Burbank, California, joining lower-cased author david j. moore as one of the many guests signing his gigantic coffee table book THE GOOD, THE TOUGH AND THE DEADLY: ACTION MOVIES & STARS 1960s-PRESENT.

“It’s about action stars, not action movies,” david kept telling people as he signed their books. He’d wanted a different subtitle that made that more clear. Rather than trying to catalog everything that could technically qualify as an action movie – which could end up being half super heroes and transformerses and shit – he chose to zero in on the dying art of the action star vehicle. I remember him calling me for counsel on this issue a few years ago. I don’t think I was much help, but I agreed with his eventual decision to limit it to actors who primarily or exclusively do action, and (with a few exceptions) started as martial artists or athletes. That means no to my boys Bruce and Clint, sorry to say, but yes to JCVD, Cynthia Rothrock, Jerry Trimble, Michael Dudikoff, Olivier Gruner, ex-diver Jason Statham, and plenty of people I’m not even familiar with. People who never had books about them before, who you never thought would have books about them. (He does include Bronson, Stallone and Schwarzenegger, if you’re worried.)
(read the rest of this shit…)

June 27th, 2016 | 34 Comments »

R.I.P. Bernie Worrell

tn_bernieworrellWell, we knew he was sick, but I’m still not ready to face a world without Bernie Worrell, the “Wizard of Woo” genius keyboardist of Parliament-Funkadelic.

I don’t say genius lightly. In a giant crew full of one-of-a-kind musical minds including George Clinton, Bootsy Collins, Maceo Parker and Fred Wesley (to name only the most famous), Bernie still stood out. For one thing, he invented sounds never before heard by the human ear. The weird alien blurps and bloops of “Flashlight,” for example, that act as the crazy intro, the solos and the bassline, could have only come from one brain and pair of hands, and they were Bernie’s. More than any other player, Bernie gave P-Funk the alien edge that put them on a higher plane than any of their funky contemporaries. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 24th, 2016 | 3 Comments »

Don’t forget: Book signing at Dark Delicacies, 2pm this Sunday

tn_gdtIf you can make it to Dark Delicacies in Burbank on Sunday, please stop by and say hello. I’ll be signing david j. moore’s awesome new coffee table behemoth THE GOOD, THE TOUGH AND THE DEADLY along with david and fellow contributors Corey Danna, Mike Joffe, Jason Souza, Dustin Leimgruber, Duvien Ho and Keith Batcheller (cover artist). AND HOLY SHIT the action star and filmmaker special guests he has coming! The lineup has changed drastically (and is probly still subject to change) but check below for the latest info.

I think I only wrote five reviews in this thing, so david is the real man of the hour, but I’m very proud to be a small part of this incredible tribute and resource for my favorite artform. I’d also be happy to sign whatever else you want, and I’ll have a few copies of Niketown and Yippee Ki Yay, Moviegoer in case you need to buy one. (I only have one Seagalogy on hand, so bring your own.)

A couple of the legends I was excited to meet are apparently not going to make it, but new ones have been added. Here is the updated and confirmed guest list I’ve been given:

Jino Kang
Julian Lee
Robert Chapin

And maybe some surprises. I hope to see some of you there. Even if I don’t, check out this book. It’s blowing my mind and I’m only in the Bs. Already there has been a motherlode of info on the AMERICAN NINJA series and an interview with the director of BLOOD AND BONE.

June 24th, 2016 | 8 Comments »

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »
  • Hey bud, thanks for reading.

    Don't feel obligated, but here are some

  • WAYS YOU CAN SUPPORT THE SHIT OUT OF VERN & OUTLAWVERN.COM

    if that's your thing:

  • 1. Patreon

    Toss me a couple bucks a month, support the good shit, also get access to a bunch of exclusive writing. This is my primary source of writing money that has allowed me to cut down to part time at the day job. Thank you!

  • 2. Buy my books from your local bookseller or somebody

    click here for my Amazon author page

    (NOTE: My ten year contract has passed on the Titan books, so I don't get residuals on them like I do WORM ON A HOOK and NIKETOWN, but I would love for you to read them because I'm proud of them)

    EXTRA CREDIT: Review them on Amazon! That would really help me out. Unless you didn't like them, in which case forget I said anything.

  • 3. If you ever buy from Amazon, go through my links or search engines



    (you pay the same amount you were gonna pay anyway they cut me a little slice)

  • I also have an Amazon UK one:

    (I can't get the search box widget to work anymore, so click on MOONWALKER and then search for what you want.)

  • 4. My exciting line of fashion and leisure products

    (I get a couple bucks per item, you get a cool t-shirt, mug or lifestyle item)

  • 5. Spread the word

    Tell your friends about my reviews and my books and everything. Only cool people though please, we don't need a bunch of suckers and/or chumps around here.

    THANKS EVERYBODY. YOUR FRIEND, VERN

    * * * *

  • Recent commentary and jibber-jabber

    • Alex R on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “Again, do you sincerely think “eat shit and die” is a death threat? It’s mean– I’m definitely not being nice…” Apr 6, 07:05
    • PetrosMT on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “I was very clear that the dangerous part is the adjectives. By now you are so selectively taking everything out…” Apr 6, 06:58
    • Alex R on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “Legit asking what the danger is in me telling you to eat shit and die. Like, am I going to…” Apr 5, 19:08
    • Alex R on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “You used the heinous word “bullshit,” and I specifically remember the way it made my monocle fall from my horrified…” Apr 5, 19:03
    • PetrosMT on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “Alex aside from all the mean spirited vitriol coming my way, I re-read my first comment to see if indeed…” Apr 5, 18:23
    • Gepard on Project Hail Mary: “It’s funny if Weir is claiming Grace was the first character he’s written who *isn’t* a self-insert, because it sure…” Apr 5, 18:06
    • Alex R on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “clarifying that a person isn’t hateful for being condescending to me. using the word “hateful” because of the line “And…” Apr 5, 16:14
    • Alex R on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “PetrosMT: Yeah, so I’m going to “start cursing” in my response to you and not feel like I crossed some…” Apr 5, 16:06
    • Borg9 on Project Hail Mary: “No doubt there’s some good science in the book but not a lot gets through to the movie. I really…” Apr 5, 06:25
    • Schmoe Gunn on The Man From U.N.C.L.E.: “This one is a mixed bag. The biggest flaws are: (1) being a loquacious pedant is not the same thing…” Apr 4, 20:42
    • Skani on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “I enjoyed this film. Could it have been more ambitious or expansive? Sure. Could it have been a different, non-JURASSIC…” Apr 4, 15:29
    • Skani on Primate: “I thought this was solid fun. Pretty brisk, novel premise. A future classic? I wouldn’t bet on it. But it…” Apr 4, 15:21
    • PetrosMT on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “Hello again guys! I’m from Greece, been reading and writing here since forever, can grasp the English language even thought…” Apr 4, 05:31
    • KayKay on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “Thank you Acid Burn. All good.” Apr 4, 02:38
    • Schmoe Gunn on Widows: “One sign this movie aims to claim a permanent space in the genre’s pantheon is that it chooses to treat…” Apr 3, 23:21

  • Recent Commented on Posts

  • Most Comments