Seagalogy Goes Hollywood

Well everybody, I’m off to the land of dreams and what not. Pretty sure it will be a great time although I will also be terrified, like a sasquatch with a police helicopter spotlight on him. The show is 5 pm Saturday at Cinefamily. Last I heard there were still a few tickets left.

Be sure to introduce yourselves. I’ll have some of my books on sale at the concession stand I believe. I’ll try to sign for anybody that wants it, although there’s not a time set for that on the schedule. We’ll see what happens. The important thing is seeing ON DEADLY GROUND and its three excellent prequels in 35 mm.

So, thanks for the support everybody, I’ll see some of you Saturday and the rest of you during the week when I’ll have lots of new reviews I’ve been working on.

your pal,

Vern

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117 Responses to “Seagalogy Goes Hollywood”

Dan S
June 13th, 2014 at 4:13 pm

Go get’em Vern. Have a great time.
James KN
June 13th, 2014 at 4:18 pm

Good luck mate. Wish I could be there…..
CC
June 13th, 2014 at 5:06 pm

I’m genuinely excited for you and reckon you’ll look back on this as being one of the best decisions you ever made. All the best, mate
TexanFromFrance
June 13th, 2014 at 7:25 pm

Merde, Vern! I hope there are pirates in the theatre who’ll post torrents of your appearance.

Remember: after you land, take off your shoes and your socks and make fists with your toes.
Darren
June 13th, 2014 at 8:06 pm

Kick ass and snap wrists Vern. Throwing guys through windows – optional.
MaggieMayPie
June 13th, 2014 at 9:20 pm

Break a leg, Vern!
KingNewbs
June 13th, 2014 at 9:23 pm

Shall we put together a bounty for candid photos of Vern in the wild? Bonus cash if you get one of him talking into a microphone, with his eyes closed and his mouth in a weird shape.
CJ Holden
June 13th, 2014 at 9:43 pm

I wish I could be there. Have fun, everybody!
grimgrinningchris
June 13th, 2014 at 11:37 pm

I’m imagining pics/videos of Vern seriously looking like the blurry Bigfoot pics and film. Previous references to Bigfoot only reenforced this already embedded notion.
Patrick N.
June 14th, 2014 at 3:34 am

I hope you have a great time out here in SoCal. Don’t leave without checking out the Arclight (best audio/picture and service in a theater in town, for my money). I’m hoping to say hey to you in person at the showing, Vern. I’m relieved you’re bringing some copies of Niketown (any chance you could set one aside from me in case they sell out?)…I wanted to seem cool by having read it by tomorrow evening, but I haven’t had the extra money to buy a copy – until I collected my paycheck today! I have no doubt you’ll be an awesome presence at the show, whichever form you arrive in. Wouldn’t it be a trip if Seagal himself showed up? Nothing I’ve heard about the aikido master leads me to believe he has the self-deprecating humor or curiosity to pop in on an event like this, but…can’t I dream? Fly safe, this event will undoubtedly make my weekend.
pegsman
June 14th, 2014 at 3:53 am

I hear it’s bad luck to wish people in the entertainment industry good luck, Vern. So…break a leg.
CallMeKermit
June 14th, 2014 at 4:37 am

“Hollywood Vern” has a nice ring to it . Like , when Hogan turned heel in WCW. This is the beginning of the Vern World Order ! Have fun everybody, I wish I could be there ,and a shitload of photos !
Jareth Cutestory
June 14th, 2014 at 6:28 am

Break a leg, Vern … preferably the leg of a corrupt refinery owner.
Randy
June 14th, 2014 at 8:04 am

good luck, man, its gonna be awesome!
karlos
June 14th, 2014 at 9:10 am

Enjoy the hell out of it, Vern. I’m sure you will.

I’ll be there in spirit.

(Times like this I wish I had a passport. And some money.)
B. Bowman
June 14th, 2014 at 9:23 am

Vern – you should beat The Internet to the punch and post a picture of yourself. Let’s not ignore the elephant in the room.
Justin
June 14th, 2014 at 9:57 am

So wait, I sorta missed that last big post you did….so were you NOT in the big house for a while? Not that it matters, I still love your writing. It just really impacts the person I’ve pictured in my head this entire time.

Have a safe trip, have fun, etc
The Original Paul
June 14th, 2014 at 4:10 pm

Enjoy! I also will be there in spirit (because I sure as heck won’t be there in person unfortunately!)
Tawdry Hepburn
June 14th, 2014 at 5:08 pm

At seagology posting on the boards while in a real room with VERN.
karlos
June 14th, 2014 at 5:48 pm

Tawdry, I’m imagining Vern is wearing an ill-fitting gi.

Yes? No?
Tawdry Hepburn
June 14th, 2014 at 6:08 pm

Should I post a picture and audio?
Tawdry Hepburn
June 14th, 2014 at 6:11 pm

I have seen @outlawvern in the flesh. pic.twitter.com/1w1uHfQrvc (https://twitter.com/mylifesacartoon/status/477968283581161472)
karlos
June 14th, 2014 at 6:12 pm

Man, that would be awesome.
Walter Goggles
June 14th, 2014 at 6:13 pm

Heck yeah.
Before it’s in:

Normal dude 2:1
Bald, thick-frame glasses-wearing hipster: 5:1
Steven Seagal 15:1
Roger Ebert 75:1
Mr. Majestyk
June 14th, 2014 at 6:38 pm

Guys, whoever is the first to reveal Vern’s true appearance, be cool and add a SPOILER FOR VERN warning. A big one. Some people might not want to know.
Tawdry Hepburn
June 14th, 2014 at 6:41 pm

We’ll, retroactive SPOILERS FOR REAL LIFE – I have seen @outlawvern in the flesh. pic.twitter.com/1w1uHfQrvc (https://twitter.com/mylifesacartoon/status/477968283581161472)
Mr. Majestyk
June 14th, 2014 at 6:43 pm

I can live with that.
Darren
June 14th, 2014 at 7:13 pm

Handsome dude.
Mouth
June 14th, 2014 at 7:26 pm

Nice work, Tawdry.

So…
He has an Adam’s apple. He buttons up 2/3 of his button-adorned shirt. He wears a timepiece on his left wrist. His pectorals are no bigger than mines. He eschews facial hair in favor of belonging to modern civilization. The black on black wardrobe seems to overplay his pale northwesternness in the gloriously sunny land of La-La, but that’s what tourists do, oh well. Other than that, Vern is batting 1.000. (That’s America-speak for “he scored a hat trick” or whatever for all you non-American World Cup aficionados.)

I assume Vern’s teardrop tattoo[s] are all on his right cheek, obscured from this particular angle.

This… this is good.

Vern is now demystified, and yet I am not disillusioned. Our universe is going to be alright.

In fact, I am now re-mystified. Nothing has changed. I never wanted to be in this Cinefamily anyway. Let Monday come and let the world never speak of this perversion of identity-secrecy ever again.
Tawdry Hepburn
June 14th, 2014 at 7:55 pm

Massive Vern spoilers…I won’t share. But there is a very significant piece of jewelry in his possession.
Mouth
June 14th, 2014 at 8:09 pm

So the rumors are true… Vern jacked Flavor Flav’s clock-necklace and now wears it backwards-style along his upper spine. ‘Splains so much.
hunky dory
June 14th, 2014 at 8:55 pm

Tawdry, i know the jewelry of which you speak. I was present when it was acquired and i can also tell you that the man can really dance.
caruso_stalker217
June 14th, 2014 at 9:13 pm

Vern is Shane Black?
Curt
June 14th, 2014 at 9:58 pm

So Tawdry … Vern is the one on the right?

Neither fit my mental image (which was more like Randall “Tex” Cobb or Danny Trejo), but the bald dude on the left actually seems infinitesimally closer to what I would have guessed.
david lambert
June 14th, 2014 at 10:07 pm

Hard to Kill and Under Siege 2 down. I would’ve picked Marked for Death over Hard to Kill (it’s always been my least favorite from his “golden age”) but it was great seeing it with an audience. It really brought out how strange of a movie it is. Under Siege 2 I saw in a theater with my dad when it first came out and my opinion still hasn’t changed…it’s fucking awesome.
RJ_MacReady
June 14th, 2014 at 10:21 pm

Just met Vern. Jealous? You’re jealous.
Patrick N.
June 14th, 2014 at 11:47 pm

Vern looks like your garden variety well-groomed, unassuming, glasses-wearing intellectual. He carried himself with a lot of dignity, never interrupted the other panelists, but injected a few Vern-isms into the stage conversations that I appreciated. His best joke came when they were discussing the presence of monologist/performance artist Eric Bogosian in Under Siege 2…Vern recommended that Hollywood hire Miranda July to be the heavy in future action flicks. I laughed. He very kindly signed a copy of Seagalogy 2nd Edition for me (ALL the Niketown novels were sold out right away – bummer!). I would have tried to strike up some further conversation, mostly to encourage him to post “Vern Tells it like it Is” articles on the regular, but he had people all over him and at a certain point I grew weary of being the creepy guy hanging on the sidelines waiting to get a word in edgewise, so I left for home. It was a great night, and Vern, if you ever read this, try to make your visits here a regular thing. LA would be better off for it.
Tawdry Hepburn
June 15th, 2014 at 12:00 am

Holy Shit. They’re calling Seagal live on stage.
david lambert
June 15th, 2014 at 12:24 am

I was able to give Vern a portrait of Seagal, but I forgot to get a photo of the finished drawing.
CJ Holden
June 15th, 2014 at 2:04 am

SEAGAL WAS THERE?!?!?!?
Darren
June 15th, 2014 at 2:34 am

It sounds like they made a live phone call CJ. Seagal’s probly on location shooting UNDER SIEGE 3: DARK TERRITORY 2.
Tawdry Hepburn
June 15th, 2014 at 2:43 am

In summary, watch Blade II again.
CJ Holden
June 15th, 2014 at 2:49 am

Oh, that calling. I thought more in terms of “Hey Seagal, come up on stage!”

Still a phone call (probably even Skype, with video?) is cool too!
bonzob
June 15th, 2014 at 3:03 am

This was an incredible event and Vern was super nice in person.
Inspector Li
June 15th, 2014 at 3:10 am

Congrats on the event, Vern. Late-breaking suggestion: Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles, for all your chicken and waffle needs.
RJ_MacReady
June 15th, 2014 at 4:24 am

So this was a really fun time. I finally understand what you like about Seagal’s movies, Vern. Especially Under Siege 2, that shit was great.

And yeah, the part where Robert Ferretti (editor of Out for Justice and On Deadly Ground) called up Seagal and put him on speaker was fucking epic. Did not expect that to happen. I also loved all of his stories about working with Seagal. I could have listened to him for the rest of the night.

A note on meeting Vern in person: You know how sometimes people form long distance relationships with somebody they met on the internet and then decide to meet in person and it’s kind of awkward yet thrilling at the same time but you realize that it feels weird that there’s not a computer screen separating you anymore and maybe that was kind of a helpful crutch because you have more time to articulate your thoughts properly? Yeah, me neither.

Here’s my wonderfully blurry picture that I was able to take with Vern [SPOILER WARNING FOR VERN AND RJ_MACREADY]:

https://farm4.staticflickr.com/3879/14426378555_186fcf1738_o.jpg
karlos
June 15th, 2014 at 5:30 am

Good work, Tawdry.

It truly sounds like it was a fantastic night – Seagal calling in to take part?! Amazing!

Kudos to all who attended and congrats to Vern – now the genie is out of the bottle, enjoy being out there.
The Original Paul
June 15th, 2014 at 8:25 am

Wait, so Vern’s not a young blonde chick? You guys have destroyed all of my illusions. :(

Actually he looks very much like me in that photo… which is kinda disturbing.
Mr. Majestyk
June 15th, 2014 at 8:42 am

Does everybody here look like Shane Black except me?
grimgrinningchris
June 15th, 2014 at 9:18 am

Vern both looks nothing AND exactly like I thought he would.

Did Seagal have anything to say about SEAGALOGY during the call? Was it brought up?

This sounds like a grand time for all and I can only hope that it was half as much fun for Vern as it seems to have been for those in attendance.
The Original Paul
June 15th, 2014 at 10:04 am

Majestyk – if I picture any of you guys, it’s usually as a tall thin geeky-looking guy.

Well, maybe not Mouth. Or Maggie. But most of you guys.

In all fairness, I’m a tall thin geeky-looking guy, so… call it narcissism?
CJ Holden
June 15th, 2014 at 10:12 am

Mr M – I look more like a teenage Tommie Sunshine, if that helps.
harvey1209
June 15th, 2014 at 10:31 am

A little after midnight is when the call to Seagal went out. After 3 movies in a row of the Man it was impossible to not recognize that voice. He said “Hi,” we cheered. After 7 hours with 2 to go Seagal asked if we weren’t tired of him yet, more cheering. Said, “Thank you and Good Night.” Very nice.
Mr. Majestyk
June 15th, 2014 at 11:06 am

Paul: Not tall by any stretch. Medium build. Hides geekiness under gloriously shaggy 70s proto-mullet, perpetual three-day scruff, and sartorial choices best triangulated by the meeting of “substitute shop teacher,” “hipster fuckstick,” and “aging sound guy who hates every band.” Occasional pornstache.

I’d tell you what Mouth looks like but nobody’s ever seen his face. The guy’s a ghost.
caruso_stalker217
June 15th, 2014 at 11:21 am

I kinda look like a young James Spader, but less good-looking.
pegsman
June 15th, 2014 at 11:27 am

If you guys want to put faces to nicks you could just tell each other what name you go by on Facebook…
Mr. Majestyk
June 15th, 2014 at 11:36 am

And ruin the mysteriousness?
pegsman
June 15th, 2014 at 11:40 am

We know what Vern looks like now. Shouldn’t we show him what we look like?
MaggieMayPie
June 15th, 2014 at 11:42 am

Thanks, Paul, for not thinking I would look like a tall, thin geeky-looking guy. I’ve been told I look like almost every brunette actress with big, brown eyes from Winona Ryder to Mary-Louise Parker. I probably look more like a female Shane Black. Just kidding. I hope.
Mr. Majestyk
June 15th, 2014 at 11:54 am

If you really want a picture, click on my name.*

*Pornstache may vary.
pegsman
June 15th, 2014 at 12:06 pm

I’ve visited your blog before, Majestyk. I’ve known that you look like Dwight Yoakam with a moustache for some time now. And I guess that those who have been to my page have seen my picture on the right there. I don’t think it has ruined any mysteriousness. At least I hope so.
david lambert
June 15th, 2014 at 12:21 pm

Here’s a pic of the drawing in progress: http://instagram.com/p/o4uGSbmldN/#
Mr. Majestyk
June 15th, 2014 at 12:25 pm

Well, the mustache is a limited edition variant. The standard-issue no-frills Majestyk model does not come equipped with it.

Buyer beware.
Darren
June 15th, 2014 at 12:40 pm

Yeah…

Majestyk – your pic reminds me of a 70’s Giovanni Ribisi.

Pegsman – you look like Woody Harrelson in NATURAL BORN KILLERS.

Maggie – can I get your phone number?(haha).

Me – tall, lean, dark featured(euro heritage throwback there somewhere). When I was younger I got told I looked like Johnny Depp(seriously – no shit!). Unfortunately the last remark I got was that I looked like Jerry Seinfeld. I punched the guy out. Oh well.

Mouth – I picture a cross between an Antwone Fisher type and LL Cool J. Educated/slightly nerdy but cool.
Mr. Majestyk
June 15th, 2014 at 12:59 pm

David: Nice. Without the hair, it looks like concept art for Steven Seagal IS Namor the Sub-Mariner.
david lambert
June 15th, 2014 at 1:07 pm

Thanks Majestyk. The older Seagal gets the more his hairline begins to look like Namor’s (although strangely frizzy).

I’ve given drawings to Nicolas Cage, Werner Herzog, and Franco Nero and now I can add Vern to the list. Honestly, he’s been just as influential to me as any of them.
renfield
June 15th, 2014 at 1:47 pm

Glad the night was a success, wish I could have been there. Is the Man Himself gonna share any reflections on the experience?
The Original Paul
June 15th, 2014 at 2:26 pm

Pegsman – no real names / faces. Why’d you think I only call myself “Paul”?

Besides, it spoils the mystique. (As if there hasn’t been enough of that recently.) Seriously, in real life I’m just some guy with a 9-5 job punching numbers into a computer. On the ‘net I can be whatever the heck I want. I’m not saying I don’t like who I am, you understand, but I don’t want to be constrained by it either.
MaggieMayPie
June 15th, 2014 at 2:39 pm

Well, don’t get too excited, Darren. I’m definitely a poor man’s version of those actresses. I think it’s more along the lines of, “Hey, you have brown hair and brown eyes and so does (fill in the blank with any number of similarly featured actress).”
Darren
June 15th, 2014 at 3:40 pm

Hey, we might all be folk of the regular kind here, but our exceptional-ism is in our opinions and personalities. What Paul just said about real/internet identities(“I’m not saying I don’t like who I am but I don’t want to be constrained by it either”) is interesting. I’m not one for hiding my identity since I figure whats the point, but I get the need to see our potential as being beyond the mundane and the ordinary. Something slightly more elevated and empowering. For example, in real life, I have a pretty quiet personality. I’m not loud or a go-getter or the life of the party. I can be a bit of a loner. I mostly go to the movies on my own, but that’s also because I don’t want any distractions from the film. And also because I hate listening to whingers complaining about the movie, like “it’s boring”, “my ass is sore from sitting in this seat”, “how dare you take me to a horror movie you insensitive prick, you know I don’t like horror movies”, stuff like that, shit I don’t have the patience to deal with when I want to invest in a great fuckin movie like GODZILLA or 12 YEARS A SLAVE, or EDGE OF TOMORROW.

Point is, I like to think there is/there is gonna be more to me and my life than I’ve known so far. You know, potential and growth and shit. I don’t want fame or anything like that. Just satisfaction in what I do and who I am. So it’s perfectly understandable to me why I like super-hero films. They’re about dual/hidden-identities. Mild-mannered Clark Kent is really Superman. Nerdy, undeveloped Peter Parker saves lives as Spiderman. More than meets the eye kinda stuff. Hopefully I’m making sense.

Also, one of the reasons I love Nicolas Cage so much is because when he’s at his creative, quirky best he represents to me that freedom of personality, an unfettered imagination. Originality and expression is what I think I’m trying to get at. Anyways, I’m rambling now, I’ll ramble off back to my mundane desk job and do some work…..for now.
Mouth
June 15th, 2014 at 4:12 pm

Inspired by the Passion of the Vern, a real life real time tale of profit-drive & pride-risking vulnerability as he becomes a public, unmysterious figure, and since there seems to be interest in who or what I am, I shall paint here a self-portrait in a talkback mirror:

181.5 cm, 12.1 stones; shoe size 11 (in US) (boot size 11.5, since I prefer to wear 2 pairs of socks with LPCs); shirt size fluctuates based on phases of upper body workout intensity & protein supplement intake; hat/beret size 7 ¾; glove size Large, unless it’s a golf glove, in which case Medium (though I’ve also used a size XL lady’s golf glove, which, PROTIP, tends to have softer leather);

eyes midnight blue with a small circle of forest green & flecks of magnum gray; better than 20/20 vision but can’t tell a difference between dvd and blu ray; developed 30%-50% irreparable hearing loss in right ear since 2006; girls used to tell me I had unusually long eyelashes, a weird physical trait observation for which I’ve probably been subconsciously trying to compensate for years; multiple scars but nothing you’d notice from more than 3 meters away; zero ink; despise jewelry;

right-handed, except when I shoot pool or do a dribbling spin move with a basketball; semi-shaved armpits; minuscule body fat; immaculate cholesterol levels and blood pressure; resting heart rate about 70 beats per minute; always play left field in my softball leagues, because that’s the most important, most glorious position in slow pitch;

carry toothbrush & toothpaste at all times; zero facial hair ever; haircut ranges from shorn to military medium block-fade to J.J. Redick; I never touch handrails and always try to avoid placing my fingers on door handles;

blue chip stock portfolio with Schwab, for steady growth, and small- & mid-cap brokerage account with USAA, for day trading (gambling); I have horrific nightmares at least twice a week, and I hope that never changes because they are quite entertaining; sometimes I go to Dodgers’ games alone but I buy 2 tickets so I have leg & elbow room; I throw away pennies; ideal breakfast is reheated crab rangoon with sweet&sour sauce, a banana, and a glass of unflavored soy milk mixed with chocolate almond milk; ideal lunch is sashimi, fancy salad with goat cheese & vinegarette, and a bottle of Voss water; ideal dinner is ground turkey tacos with avocado, banana peppers, home-grown tomatoes, a splash of chipotle ranch, and several Stolichnaya-Blueberry-n-sodas; I’ve started or augmented a recycling program at every worksite that’s employed me since 2002, except for a couple outposts in Iraq; I’ve seen every episode of Sam & Cat; I don’t know how to play 90% of the games at casinos, but I’m great at Blackjack;

favorite wordsmith is Muhammad Ali; favorite bloggers are Charles P. Pierce and my girlfriend; favorite tv/film critic is Mr. Majestyk; favorite dead writer is Christopher Hitchens or Ralph W. Emerson; favorite politician is Joe Biden; favorite congresspersons are Nancy Pelosi and Captain Tulsi Gabbard; favorite tennis players are Martina Hingis and Mouth; favorite retired star athlete is Matt Hughes; favorite active star athlete is Ivory Latta; favorite footballer is hahaha I’m American get out of my face with that soccer shit; actually team Brazil has a guy named “Hulk” so he’s my favorite now; actually I just read that Hulk got injured in practice today, so fuck that guy and fuck kickball again; favorite Senators are Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders, and Patty Murray, who I assume earned Vern’s vote (now that we are of the belief that he is not a disenfranchised felon); I am terrible at drawing, the one thing I straight up can not do.

There, all my secrets are out. All of them. You all now know me more intimately than an ugly nymphomaniac’s fingertips know her g-spots.

Your turn.
Darren
June 15th, 2014 at 5:32 pm

My favorite film critics are The Unholy Trinity –

Father Vern

Son Mouth

Spirit Majestyk

Preach it brothers.
anaru
June 15th, 2014 at 10:52 pm

That’s me in front.

http://www.muzic.net.nz/images/galleries/779_6883.jpg
Tawdry Hepburn
June 15th, 2014 at 11:04 pm

RE: Anaru

Holy shit! I didn’t know we had any Microph-an Americans on the boards! I love your people’s culture. Though , I must say…and I don’t mean to be racist, some of your kind can be a bit too loud at concerts and interrupt the performance.
Tawdry Hepburn
June 15th, 2014 at 11:07 pm

This is not a picture of me, but my mother believed it was when I showed it to her.

http://fitandstrongdads.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Limitless.jpg
Telf
June 15th, 2014 at 11:51 pm

I will not describe myself. Words fail. I will however say that Vern does not disappoint in the flesh.

I actually found the whole thing quite moving. If it had just been a random screening of a handful of Seagal films we’d seen a million times – I doubt many of us would have bothered. It was the chance to commune with like-minded folk and be unified in appreciation for this wonderful gentleman who has earned so much good will and respect over the years with his outstanding work.

To actually meet him and his lovely SO (and attempt to try and reconcile the “true” Vern with the vast tapestry of traits I had attributed to him), was just utterly edifying and emotional. There’s always been this great sense of human dignity to Vern’s worldview – from the way he used to handle the trolls back in the AICN days, through the political/social stuff he too infrequently writes, to the enormous warmth with which he approaches the Red-Headed-Step-Children of the movie industry that DTV action flicks represent. And it’s something I have tried to employ in my own small way online – principally, never saying anything that I wouldn’t say to someone in real life.

Regardless of the reality of Vern’s persona, the truth of the man revealed in his writing came shining out on Saturday night. Cheers to him and everyone who came.
Knox Harrington
June 16th, 2014 at 1:23 am

I look like Triple H, apparently. Now, I don’t know what a Triple H is, but if it’s some kind of birth control or an enema or something, I’m gonna get new friends.

Hey, Majestyk, what happened to your link? I was gonna read your Wrestlemaniac review?
pegsman
June 16th, 2014 at 1:46 am

Paul, I’m not arguing for full disclosure. Not at all. It just sounded like some of the guys really wanted to take the red pill.
uncle_imshi
June 16th, 2014 at 1:52 am

If we’re revealing appearance related factoids. People used to yell ”Hey Dolph Lundgren” at me in the street. And by the time I got leaner I remember my then girlfriend shrieking when she saw ”me” in the lead role of the film Gladiator (the one with Cuba Gooding Jr ) thankfully to date my hairline has weathered better than that of character actor James Marshall.
Republican Cloth Coat
June 16th, 2014 at 3:40 am

In my high school years, people said I resembled Don Knotts from the Mayberry years. I dress more like Mr. Furley now.
pegsman
June 16th, 2014 at 6:18 am

People often say that I look like a cross between a young Jabba the Hut and Nick Nolte in that mugshot.
Mr. Majestyk
June 16th, 2014 at 6:30 am

Knox: The link doesn’t show up when I post from my phone. Try this one.
anaru
June 16th, 2014 at 6:31 am

Tawdry: who you calling American?
neal2zod
June 16th, 2014 at 6:48 am

Wow this sounded like a great event and maybe I’m a body-shaming asshole but I for one breathed a sigh of relief that Vern looked basically like a white version of me and not like a stereotypical Internet Guy (i.e. Kevin Smith). Not that there’d be anything wrong if he did look like Kevin Smith (who I still actually like) but it’s nice to see people break stereotypical preconceptions (i.e. if you have a strong internet presence you’re a greasy schlub living in mom’s basement, etc..)
Maxiao
June 16th, 2014 at 8:01 am

Chinese kid: “You look like Spiderman”
Me: “You mean Toby Macguire? The actor who plays Spiderman in the films?”
Chinese kid: “No, not him, Spiderman!”

I’ll settle for that, whatever it means.
Knox Harrington
June 16th, 2014 at 8:03 am

I have to be honest, I’m still struggling with this a little bit. It wasn’t a big deal when Vern told us about his fake criminal past (a lot of us probably never bought into that), but I still had this idea that he was a middle-aged loner, maybe a little rough around the edges, with a blue collar job, etc.

Seeing that picture of him immediately built a mental image of a hip young intellectual type, a typical internet personality, out to make a name for himself. It’s a mental image that I will have to suppress when I read his next review, even though I know that Vern is anything but a typical internet personality.
Murder Slim
June 16th, 2014 at 9:35 am

The brilliant Bo Diddley said it best:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lch0o4wwGyw

Judge people by what they do.
Forrest Taft
June 16th, 2014 at 10:45 am

Wish I was there! And I’ll use this opportunity to give you all the rundown on some recent, absurd, Seagal-news from Norway. A wealthy, 90-year old widow was recently swindled out of millions by her 55 year old neighbor, who, when questioned by the police, claimed the money was invested in a Dubai-based film company who were set to finance a Steven Seagal-picture. But it gets better: It was not just any Seagal-picture, but a Pippi Longstocking-reboot. Seagal was apparently a co-investor in the Dubai company, and was set to play Longstockings’ pirate father (!), seen here: http://birdreynolds.com/wp-content/uploads/5bdd8694-6459-41d3-aabc-9f83011852a0_Promo.jpg

The neighbor has been charged with having swindled a total sum of NOK 18 000 000, but if I understand correctly, only 3 600 000 of these (around USD 600 000) where to be used funding the Seagal pic. Link to the original Norwegian newspaper story: http://www.vg.no/nyheter/skulle-bruke-millioner-paa-actionfilm-med-steven-seagal/a/23228912/
Felix
June 16th, 2014 at 2:52 pm

The Trailer for Seagal’s new film A GOOD MAN is here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ILGml_VXgQ
anaru
June 16th, 2014 at 11:42 pm

Forrest: I really want that to be true.

Of course the pirate dad was never a rape and pillage type of pirate – he was just the chef. Only he was actually a CIA agent pretending to be the pirate chef. Plus there’s a flashback where he shows off by using a cannon to knock coconuts off a tree from a boat anchored half a mile off shore
rainman
June 16th, 2014 at 11:49 pm

So Vern admitted he isn’t an ex-con? Not that I ever took that seriously, he writes too well (even with his obvious / oblivious word-substitutions like “web sight” and “probly”) and knows way too much about movies to have been locked up for very long. I just figured it was part of his humor.

Nice to finally see a picture of the guy though, I’ve been reading this web sight for probly 10 years and it’s good to put a face to the name. I have had 4-5 random people come up to me in bars and tell me I look like a young Christopher Walken, but most people don’t see it.
Shoot McKay
June 17th, 2014 at 3:07 am

If we are going to continue this discussion of which celebrity we look alike, I might add my face is extremely similar to Edward Snowdens.
pegsman
June 17th, 2014 at 3:52 am

Are you from Norway, Forrest?
Forrest Taft
June 17th, 2014 at 4:37 am

Yup, Stavanger, Norway. Agree with Anaru that this would be insane casting. Could also be a great opportunity to finally experience what actually would happen if Seagal was dropped at the Arctic Circle wearing a pair of bikini underwear, without his toothbrush. This would supply a thematic connection to Seagalogy without giving his character a (forced?) CIA background.
Broddie
June 17th, 2014 at 7:39 am

Somebody once told me that I kind of look like a lightskin version of 80’s Arsenio Hall. I then proceeded to spit on their face.
david lambert
June 18th, 2014 at 6:22 am

Oh yeah, am I wrong, or was the BFI print of On Deadly Ground cut? I seem to remember the torture of the old whistleblower involved his leg getting a chunk ripped out with some tool, but this cut just had his fingers getting smashed with a tusk. I could be wrong though.
pegsman
June 18th, 2014 at 7:57 am

david, then it was the cut version. In the one I own on dvd they use a pipe cutter on his leg.
Justin
June 18th, 2014 at 11:03 am

@Knox Harrington

“I have to be honest, I’m still struggling with this a little bit. It wasn’t a big deal when Vern told us about his fake criminal past (a lot of us probably never bought into that), but I still had this idea that he was a middle-aged loner, maybe a little rough around the edges, with a blue collar job, etc.”

Yes. This. Although I actually DID buy into him being in jail/prison for a while, because A. how is that a far-fetched story? I have had plenty of friends who have been in prison or are currently in prison, and B. he told us he was. That’s what kind of irks me. I believed what he said.

Ehhhh I don’t know. Again, still love his writing. But this is why internet personas piss me the fuck off. There’s no point.
Griff
June 18th, 2014 at 11:13 am

oh my…..God

all within the span of 5 minutes I learn that ScarJo did full frontal nudity for that UNDER THE SKIN movie and now I see a picture of of Vern In Real Life (VIRL)

so not only I have I seen ScarJo completely naked I’ve also seen the face of Vern, these two combined events feel like seeing the face of God, what is happening!!!???
CJ Holden
June 18th, 2014 at 11:38 am

And if you fap to ScarJo in the future, you will also think of Vern because of that.
Mr. Majestyk
June 18th, 2014 at 11:42 am

Now that we know what Vern really looks like (Steven Soderbergh’s nephew) will the cartoon up in the left corner change to reflect that? Or will Outlaw Vern always remain a separate entity from Actual Vern?
Griff
June 18th, 2014 at 12:19 pm

CJ – you’re probably right, it might be hard now not to associate naked ScarJo with VIRL (Vern In Real Life)
Tawdry Hepburn
June 18th, 2014 at 12:39 pm

Griff:

I saw Under the Skin in theaters without knowing anything about it. It was a wild ride. And not at all the movie you’d expect for FuFro ScarJo. Afterward, I asked the theater manager, “so, you get many walkouts on this one?” “Tons,” he said. “Tons.”

See Under the Skin on the biggest screen you can. And prepare for it to be unsexy.
Tawdry Hepburn
June 18th, 2014 at 12:45 pm

If you squint, my girlfriend looks like Jennifer Lawerence, minus the those-won’t-age-well chest. And OCD afflicts a direct family member of mine.

So, if you squint, my life looks a bit like the poster for Silverlinings Playbook.

Alternately, she looks like Christina ricci with half the forehead. I do call her Wednesday sometimes.
Griff
June 18th, 2014 at 12:59 pm

yeah, I haven’t seen the whole movie, just images of her naked in it and it seems to be very “raw” and un-glamorous nudity, you can see wrinkles on her skin and stuff, not Sharon Stone in BASIC INSTINCT type movie star nudity

I kind of like that though, it’s interesting to see this glamorous movie star in such an unvarnished light because even though you can see a few flaws she’s still damn sexy to me and seeing her as a real human being, not a flawless sex doll only makes it sexier to me

so yeah, I’ll definitely check out the whole movie someday
Franchise Fred
June 18th, 2014 at 1:23 pm

Knox, if that’s what you pictured it’s because the writing evoked such maturity and vivid personality, and that is still true.

I look like Andy Kaufman if I shave my beard.
CrustaceanLove
June 18th, 2014 at 5:54 pm

Knox: I have to admit, I’m kind of in the same boat. I always thought the whole grizzled, Lee-Marvin-meets-Charles-Bronson, ex-con thing was fiction, but I guess I really did assume that he was this middle-aged, blue collar type dude. I thought it was cool that that kind of guy would have such progressive point of view about a lot of things. In any case, I think Vern’s writing has greatly improved as more and more of his real(?) life and personality has seeped in, so it’s probably good for him to be out of the closet.

I look like the kind of skinny, bespectacled dork you would assume sits in front of a computer for a living and has strong opinions about comic books, and you’d be pretty much on the money.
Griff
June 18th, 2014 at 6:14 pm

yeah, I did expect Vern to be at least on the buff side

it’s a bummer but I guess this means there really aren’t any middle-aged, blue collar type dudes with progressive and liberal politics
MaggieMayPie
June 18th, 2014 at 7:28 pm

My last boyfriend was a 40 year old electrician/construction worker with very liberal views. As were a lot of his friends. They’re around, Griff. Especially somewhere like Seattle, where they come from hippie parents.
Griff
June 18th, 2014 at 8:39 pm

Vern, I’ve been looking at your pic again and dude….you look a little like my dad, I’m dead serious, it’s eerie

anyway, here’s a pic of me on my recent vacation from last weekend, messing around at the hotel https://scontent-a-mia.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10489697_479548562176893_3195721577844650927_n.jpg?oh=8b8514ec65b9ffcc719b2297e2faae0f&oe=54242209
Darren
June 18th, 2014 at 10:17 pm

It takes a real man to pull of wearing a hawaiian shirt. Well done Griff.

And you look like a young John Milius.
Vern
June 18th, 2014 at 10:21 pm

Don’t get any ideas Griff, I think I would know if I was your dad, and if it’s money you’re after there’s not much to be had. I will play catch with you though if you want.
Tawdry Hepburn
June 18th, 2014 at 10:44 pm

Can I play catch too?

By the by, the late show of the new Jordorowsky flick at Cinefamily is weird as fuck. Packed. Mostly with goth-leaning Latino punks with slicked down, asymmetrical haircuts and heavy eyeliner. Lots of functionless studs and faux leather. Both men and women.

Also: longest line I have ever seen for the women’s room.
Griff
June 18th, 2014 at 10:49 pm

“It takes a real man to pull of wearing a hawaiian shirt. Well done Griff.

And you look like a young John Milius.”

awwww thanks and being compared to John Milius actually fills me with pride
Tawdry Hepburn
June 19th, 2014 at 1:41 am

update: I…saw The Dance of Reality before tonight. I don’t know when. I don’t know where. But somehow, I have seen this newly released film at least 4 times previously.

Even weirder — I saw the first Jordorowsky movie in 40 years multiple times, at least a year before it came out, and then forgot.

I did not know I had seen this movie. I blocked it out or something.

I am so confused right now.
Griff
June 19th, 2014 at 12:51 pm

Jordorowsky’s movies seem to inspire quite a lot of confusion
ParkerPops
June 20th, 2014 at 4:20 am

Vern, I loved your shit from the beginning. You could be Justin Beiber and I would still love you papa xxx.

Hey bud, thanks for reading.
Don't feel obligated, but here are some
WAYS YOU CAN SUPPORT THE SHIT OUT OF VERN & OUTLAWVERN.COM
if that's your thing:
1. Patreon

Toss me a couple bucks a month, support the good shit, also get access to a bunch of exclusive writing. This is my primary source of writing money that has allowed me to cut down to part time at the day job. Thank you!
2. Buy my books from your local bookseller or somebody

click here for my Amazon author page
(NOTE: My ten year contract has passed on the Titan books, so I don't get residuals on them like I do WORM ON A HOOK and NIKETOWN, but I would love for you to read them because I'm proud of them)
EXTRA CREDIT: Review them on Amazon! That would really help me out. Unless you didn't like them, in which case forget I said anything.
3. If you ever buy from Amazon, go through my links or search engines

(you pay the same amount you were gonna pay anyway they cut me a little slice)
I also have an Amazon UK one:

(I can't get the search box widget to work anymore, so click on MOONWALKER and then search for what you want.)
4. My exciting line of fashion and leisure products

(I get a couple bucks per item, you get a cool t-shirt, mug or lifestyle item)
5. Spread the word

Tell your friends about my reviews and my books and everything. Only cool people though please, we don't need a bunch of suckers and/or chumps around here.
THANKS EVERYBODY. YOUR FRIEND, VERN

* * * *
Recent commentary and jibber-jabber
- VERN on Happy Sweet Potato Day: “I don’t think anyone thinks of it as a religious holiday. When I was growing up it was supposedly about…” Dec 3, 07:05
- VERN on Nutcrackers: “Fred – I initially said 4 controversial horror movies but it really seemed like his first HALLOWEEN was well received…” Dec 3, 06:56
- CJ Holden on Happy Sweet Potato Day: “Germany used to have Thanksgiving in October, but it wasn’t really anything relevant. More like “another day off”, if I…” Dec 3, 06:19
- daniel on Happy Sweet Potato Day: “There are sections in ADDAMS FAMILY VALUES that explain the history of Thanksgiving :) As far as religion is concerned,…” Dec 3, 05:33
- pegsman on Happy Sweet Potato Day: “That is sort of what I was angling for, the religious aspect of it. But people here a too classy…” Dec 3, 04:37
- Borg9 on Happy Sweet Potato Day: “We can blame the Celts, rather than the Vikings, for Halloween, although it’s still just a harvest festival. I miss…” Dec 3, 04:23
- pegsman on Happy Sweet Potato Day: “You’re partly right. All the big ones comes from the Vikings – Yule Tide, a variant of Easter and Midsummer…” Dec 3, 04:06
- Borg9 on Happy Sweet Potato Day: “C’mon, pegsman, as an ignorant Briton and, yes, European, I’ve not been in Norway at this time of year, but…” Dec 3, 03:24
- clubside on Nutcrackers: “The sad part, Vern? You realize the sad part, right? The sad part? You see it, right there, so near…” Dec 2, 23:07
- pegsman on Happy Sweet Potato Day: “Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving, Vern!” Dec 2, 22:21
- pegsman on Happy Sweet Potato Day: “Maybe this isn’t the time, but can anyone tell us ignorant Europeans just what Thanksgiving is? Judging from movies and…” Dec 2, 22:19
- Franchise Fred on Nutcrackers: “Trying to figure out which DGG horror movie WASN’T controversial. Maybe Halloween ‘18 was mostly well liked…” Dec 2, 21:52
- VERN on Nutcrackers: “Hambone – It definitely has a sad aspect to the story, but the overall feeling is positive and uplifting and…” Dec 2, 16:32
- Skani on Nutcrackers: “I HAD heard of this one, but it seemed like a fairly unceremonious dump-onto-Hulu type deal[1]. Good to hear this…” Dec 2, 15:56
- Hambone Wilkins on Nutcrackers: “Thanks for the write-up! Hadn’t heard of this and now it is making the list. So my gf asked if…” Dec 2, 15:08
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