Vern spanks Seagal with his lips and then reviews his newest direct-to-video title SUBMERGED!

Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with Vern, at his hilarious best when picking apart Steven Seagal’s hilarious worst… Below, Vern pitches a new Seagal masterpiece to the studios, shames New Line for changing the title of SNAKES ON A PLANE and coins the term “Avid fart” which is brilliant. Enjoy!


I wish I could review a new Steve Seagal picture for you fellas every day, but unfortunately he only comes out with them every 5 months. Looks like you ran my review of INTO THE SUN (click to read Vern’s comments on that particular movie) last New Year’s Eve, and now after nearly half a year of stumbling through life an empty shell, going through the motions, a movie called SUBMERGED will end the drought later this month. Harry, I assume we’ll be seeing this one on your DVD preview. You got fuckin SPLASH and NATIONAL TREASURE on there man I don’t see how you can justify dismissing this one. Not that I’m recommending this piece of shit, except to the most dedicated Seagalogists.

Submerged“At 20,000 fathoms the only creature more dangerous than a biological mutant is…man”

That’s the tagline for SUBMERGED according to IMDB, and it makes a good point. There are no biological mutants in the movie, there are only a bunch of dudes. But a bunch of dudes (i.e. “man”) are MORE DANGEROUS THAN A BIOLOGICAL MUTANT! Imagine how scary a movie could be if it was all about… man.

Actually, I guess the movie used to be about “biological mutants” which would’ve been new territory for Mr. Seagal, who has never faced a sci-fi or horror threat other than voodoo attack in BELLY OF THE BEAST. But at some point they dumped the premise of mutants-on-a-sub and turned it into MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE ripoff. Now it’s about terrorists using mind control to turn American soldiers into assassins. They are triggered by a series of weird images (a windmill in front of a red sky, a woman standing on a cliff, a naked CGI chick) which makes for an unusual opening credits sequence for a Seagal picture, at least.

First the movie pulls a DIRTY DOZEN, or at least a xXx2. Seagal and his “crew” are some kind of super badass special ops types who are in the joint because of some incident where they stopped a terrorist plot described by one character as “another 9-11… except at sea.” Seagal gets a funny entrance, shackled, walking slo-mo with JOONK JOONK JOONK rock guitars. The fuckin Man needs these guys to kill the terrorist that’s doing this mind control thing, so they offer them a pardon and $100,000 each. There’s really no time to develop these supporting characters so instead they just freeze them and write their name, military unit and specialty on the screen. (This same technique was used to introduce the bad guys in OUT FOR A KILL, but that time it also specified hobbies.)

One positive thing: one member of the crew is Vinnie Jones. He’s the most notable actor in a Seagal movie in several years. The days when Seagal could get a Michael Caine or an Eric Bogosian to be in a movie are long gone, so this is a pretty big deal. They don’t really give the guy a character to play, but he does what he does. It’s nice to have at least one guy with some sort of presence in these straight to video movies.

Then it pulls a SAVING PRIVATE RYAN, or at least that’s probaly what they were thinking when they removed frames and shook the camera around. But the scene is just some soldiers out in a field, and there’s exploding goats. I would explain it if I knew how but this is apparently one of those Seagal pictures that you have to watch 2 or 3 times before you really *get* it, so you’ll have to wait.

Then it’s UNDER SIEGE on a submarine (DIE HARD on a boat on a submarine). Or you think so, for about ten minutes. But they get out of the sub and it blows up, and it’s less than an hour into the movie. So forget about 20,000 fathoms. At sea level, there’s only one thing more dangerous than a biological mutant or man… a terrorist with mind control.

As always there’s some funny parts and weird touches in the movie. One part, Seagal is in the middle of what he calls “a full scale riot”, but he tries to look inconspicuous by hiding behind a newspaper! And nobody says anything about it, but a character finds some kind of important mini-disc in a dead guy’s pocket, hidden inside a Julio Iglesias CD. Also, there’s a scene where Seagal changes that old classic of slo-mo running away from a huge, fiery explosion to jogging slo-mo away from a small, sparky explosion.

That shows you how much care and effort Seagal is putting into this picture. It’s sad because even though his movies keep getting worse, he usually seems like he’s giving it a shot. This time I got the feeling he just didn’t give a shit. I look forward to the DVD so I can use the subtitles and figure out what the hell he’s mumbling about. One scene, I swore he said, “Get the president out the cages” but there was no president in a cage. He has weird lines like “There’s some sick shit up in heah, alligata” that makes me wonder if his character is supposed to be cajun or something. I wonder if he knows my man Chance Boudreaux from HARD TARGET? (“What kind of a name is Chance?” “Mah momma took won.”)

He did this same thing in OUT OF REACH but I was still surprised how many of his lines were obviously dubbed in this one. At least half of the time he seems to be dubbed by somebody else. Or sometimes it seems like it might be Seagal’s voice, but recorded at the peak of the worst flu of his life.

There’s a little more gore than in recent Seagal pictures, but the same small amount of action. Just alot of shooting, a couple fake looking models exploding and a car chase that Seagal’s not even in where a car crashes into a watermelon truck. Seagal’s aikido looks completely unimpressive, but Vinnie Jones has one good fist fight.

There’s a couple lame bad guys. The terrorist is some guy from A KNIGHT’S TALE, and his sidekick is a skinny dude who looks like Cameron Diaz when she dressed up as a man in CHARLIE’S ANGELS. Then there’s a crooked federal agent type, he was apparently in HELLRAISER PART 2 and I’m pretty sure he was that poor sap of a boyfriend who was hiding behind a curtain watching the perverted doctor make out with a ressurected bloody skinless chick.

Speaking of HELLRAISER sequels, the director of SUBMERGED is Anthony Hickox, who did part 3. The one where Pinhead hangs out at a dance club. At least it’s a director I heard of before, but he has the same problems as Michael Oblowitz and other low quality directors of Seagal pictures. I don’t know if you guys have noticed this, but I think the digital editing they use now days has caused some bad habits for some of these fuckers. In the old days you had to actually cut the film up and tape it all together and it was a big pain in the ass. Now you don’t have to do that so these guys figure, shit, every time it goes to another scene, I might as well throw in ten little flashes of random closeups, some fast speed, some black and white freeze frames, some backwards motion, some meaningless white flashes. Top it off with some computery sounds and thunderclaps and shit. I don’t know if there’s a name for this type of showboat editing, if not I propose “Avid farts” or “digi-rhea”. It’s kind of like if as soon as newspaper publishers switched to computers, they started using a different wacky font for every headline and every column. Like the guy with the sunglasses said in JURASSIC PARK or DUEL or one of those movies, just because you CAN do it doesn’t mean you SHOULD.

What I’m trying to tell you editors is NOBODY WANTS TO SEE AVID FARTS. I don’t know what somebody told you but it doesn’t make it seem like a real movie, guys. It makes it seem like another TV show about a psychic that solves murders. And that sub has already merged. So stop it.

Now, I know alot of you Hollywood types read The Ain’t It Cool News, so I got a question. I am a big fan. I enjoy all Seagal’s pictures, even this one. But this is one of the worst and least entertaining. And it makes me wonder: why is it that Seagal can’t get a good director anymore (not including Ching Siu-Tung)? Does nobody at all want to work with him? Does his producing suck? Does his non-cooperation (like not dubbing his own lines) just make it impossible to shoot a movie competently? I mean I know we’re talking no budget straight to video shit, and the guy is not at his peak. But as an idealist and a believer in Striving For Excellence, I figure it is still POSSIBLE to create a better Seagal picture than this. I mean, MARKED FOR DEATH had a lower budget and was even from the director of HALLOWEEN 4, still managed to be way better. Isn’t there some young, tasteful filmatist out there that figures, what the hell, I can make a Seagal picture? If there was, would all their better instincts get overruled and ruined by rewrites and improv and short schedules and Avid farts?

Also as long as I got you here, Hollywood, I got a completely unrelated question. The question is WHY THE FUCK did New Line Cinema abandon the title SNAKES ON A PLANE? When I heard that Ronny Yu was making a movie about snakes on a plane, and it was called SNAKES ON A PLANE, I thought that was about the best thing I ever heard. Then Yu left, but Samuel L. Jackson, joined, and regardless, I figured it was still about snakes on a plane so you couldn’t lose. And I’m sure it’s still about that but somehow with the generic title PACIFIC AIR 121 there’s just no magic anymore. I mean, anything or nothing could happen on Flight 121. Who cares. But when it’s SNAKES ON A PLANE you know what you’re getting.

What are you thinking, New Line? You got a title so pure and perfect it might as well be a poem. It doesn’t even matter what the movie is, if it has that title. And you threw it out like it was Troy Duffy. When are you gonna get another chance to call a movie SNAKES ON A PLANE? Not soon.

I propose that Mr. Seagal take advantage of New Line Cinema’s error and come out with BEES ON A PLANE. Story by Vern. This one’s about some terrorists manage to get a suitcase on board a plane that opens to release genetically altered super killer bees. “Another 9-11… except with killer bees.” When the bees sting the passengers it causes all kinds of CGI swelling and exploding. Luckily, by coincidence, Seagal is one of the passengers on the plane. He is a disillusioned former CIA agent who settled down and became a small time honey farmer. Also, he is allergic to bee stings, which shows how fuckin badass he is, to become a honey farmer when a bee sting would kill him. Anyway, he has to fight the terrorists and get to the luggage compartment so he can get out his bee suit.

He manages to fight off the terrorists and land the plane, but then the killer bees get loose into the city (Los Angeles, maybe, but portrayed by Vancouver) and what’s worse, they find out there are two kinds of bees. Each of their stings poison the blood in a different way, and when both types of blood combine, it causes a huge explosion. Fortunately, we find out that Homeland Security had just missed stopping the bees on a plane plot but had managed to embed a Judas Bee into the swarm, equipped with a tracking device and small camera. So even though he is now safely landed, the honey farmer makes the conscious decision to go after the bees and save Los Angeles.

Then if you want to go really fuckin out there, there could be a twist at the end where he just gets swarmed by the bees and they sting the shit out of him, but then it turns out that people who are allergic to normal bee stings are immune to genetically engineered super killer bee stings. And what’s more, the stings give them super powers. The ending sets up the whole BEES ON A PLANE trilogy in other words.

Well anyway I think an argument could be made that I’m off topic here a little bit. The point is, SUBMERGED is not one of the better Seagal pictures. If you want a legitimately good one see OUT FOR JUSTICE, if you want a funny one see ON DEADLY GROUND, if you want a more obscure/recent funny one see OUT FOR A KILL, BELLY OF THE BEAST or OUT OF REACH. If you just want a movie with Seagal in it though, SUBMERGED comes out May 31st.

thanks boys,


p.s. IMDB already lists four other Seagal pictures for 2005, not including THE UNTITLED ONION MOVIE, so you’ll probaly be hearing from me again soon

Originally posted at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/20132

View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback

  • May 4, 2005, 6:42 a.m. CST

    BEES ON A PLANE has already been done!

    by TheFoywonder

    It’s known by two titles: KILLER BUZZ and FLYING VIRUS, and stars Gabrielle Anwar and Rutger Hauer. Yep, they’re even genetically engineered. It airs every so often on the Sci-Fi Channel. On the other hand, maybe it is time for Seagal to go the PREDATOR route and have him fight Sasquatch or something like that. Wouldn’t you love to see Seagal grab Bigfoot’s arm, flip it to the ground, and snap it like he so often does? You know what would be even better? BIGFOOT ON A PLANE!

  • May 4, 2005, 6:46 a.m. CST

    Vern, sting me, baby!

    by Darth.Ratzinger

    I wanna carry your love child.

    And HECK, Knowles, make Vern

    write your upcoming movie turt

    Ghost Town. This boy’s shit’s

    got more mojo than Goldmann

    ever had!

  • May 4, 2005, 7:59 a.m. CST

    I’d watch a movie called “Bigfoot on a Plane”

    by Drunken Rage

    Hell, yes.

  • May 4, 2005, 8:05 a.m. CST


    by DocPazuzu

    I smell a new AICN catchphrase…

    As always, Vern, marvelous stuff.

  • May 4, 2005, 9:11 a.m. CST


    by chilli_zepher

    segal hasnt made a good film since they used his corpse as a zobie in shaun of the dead

  • May 4, 2005, 9:13 a.m. CST

    20,000 fathoms below the surface would put Seagal inside the ear

    by FrankDrebin

    A fathom is 6 feet, so 20,000 fathoms is 120,000 feet. The deepest part of the ocean is 36,200 feet. This took me about 15 seconds of Googling to find out, so how lazy are Hollywood screenwriters?

  • May 4, 2005, 10:20 a.m. CST

    Re: NewYorkKid

    by Darth Busey

    They should all be in Tarantino’s war movie, along with the other 80’s action guys like Stallone, Arnold, Willis, Chuck Norris, Michael Dudikoff, etc.

  • May 4, 2005, 10:22 a.m. CST


    by vancejf

    …wow…more reivews by vern should be on here!

  • May 4, 2005, 10:57 a.m. CST

    Genetically engineered killer bees

    by neoaddix

    Are more dangerous than BIOLOGICAL MUTANTS!

    BTW – I would pay to see the latter on a plane vs Seagal.

  • May 4, 2005, 11:05 a.m. CST

    Vern, what can you tell me about the Korean film “Clementine”?

    by Shan

    It’s just that most of the Korean movie sites I know run away from it (though www.koreanfilm.org did a decent review) and I found out Mr Seagal was in it … Why? was the first question I guess …

  • May 4, 2005, 11:45 a.m. CST

    “and there’s exploding goats”

    by Grando

  • May 4, 2005, 11:46 a.m. CST

    “and there’s exploding goats”

    by Grando

    Sold! When’s this work of genius out?

  • May 4, 2005, 12:10 p.m. CST

    “Just because you can do something…

    by wilbur gray

    doesn’t mean you should.” was also in Star Trek VI spoken by Kurtwood Smith.

  • May 4, 2005, 12:17 p.m. CST

    dear god

    by lopan

    i laughed so fuckin hard at that review that I started crying right here at work…brilliant work as always vern. someday i’ve gotta round up the mates, get some chronic and beers and have a seagal-a-thon.

  • May 4, 2005, 1:37 p.m. CST

    Geez, Vern. At least put a disclaimer

    by GenericGeek

    “Don’t read this at work, or you’ll get in trouble from laughing so hard”. Anyway, brilliant review, as always.

  • May 4, 2005, 1:56 p.m. CST

    Some notes

    by Vern

    QUINT: I don’t know what the shit that headline means, but thanks for the little summary at the beginning, that was a good idea for my long ass review. FOYWONDER: Thanks for the tip, I’m gonna look for that movie. Also, great idea about Bigfoot. Please note that before twisting Bigfoot’s arm, Seagal would throw Bigfoot through a closed window. SHAN: Clementine is actually the only Seagal picture I haven’t watched yet. But I believe it is available domestically from Tai Seng or somebody. I believe the movie is about a professional fighter and Seagal has a supporting role as the champ he has to fight at the end. So he’s sort of a bad guy or a Van Damme in NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER it sounds like. I’m re-watching all in the Seagal pictures in chronological order and I’m not quite to that one yet, but I’ve already seen all the other ones. But I’ll be checking it out soon. I’ve kept this on the down low but I’ve actually been working for a couple years now on a book called SEAGALOGY which will analyze every Seagal picture chronologically. EVERYBODY: After reading that headline I feel bad. I did call this movie a “piece of shit” because it really is a bad one. But honestly, I enjoy the shit out of Seagal movies. I’ve watched ON DEADLY GROUND more times than you could imagine. I’m not trying to use him as an easy target, I’m actually trying to cultivate more of a respect for his body of entertainment both good and bad. I bet his next one will be better. He has one coming out called TODAY YOU DIE.

  • May 4, 2005, 2:44 p.m. CST

    Welcome back Vern

    by macgruder

    Vern I love your reviews. I just wish the rest of them on this site were as entertaining.

  • May 4, 2005, 3:25 p.m. CST

    Vern, I hope you’re not kidding about the Seagal book.

    by FatPaul

    Seriously, the world needs that book. I’ve only recently started getting into Seagal flicks, and it’s all because of Vern. If Seagalology actually comes out, I’ll buy the hardcover, the softcover, the signed limited edition, and whatever else they have. Also, I’m glad somebody finally came up with a name for those Avid farts.

  • May 4, 2005, 3:28 p.m. CST

    Damn typo…

    by FatPaul

    I meant Seagalogy, not Seagalology.

  • May 4, 2005, 3:44 p.m. CST


    by Kurg1

  • May 4, 2005, 5:10 p.m. CST

    Fat Paul

    by Vern

    Don’t worry bud, I’m not kidding. It will still be a while an account of my commitment to excellence, but I am too far into this endeavor to turn back now. The plan is to self publish the book through lulu.com like I did for my review collection, but that could change if anybody knows a publisher that is ready for SEAGALOGY.

  • May 4, 2005, 6:13 p.m. CST

    Eric Roberts

    by TheContinentalOp

    Can we add him in as the second villain in the biggest mofo direct-to-video movie of all time? He’ll be sleazy and disgustingly tan, as always. But who will be the big bad? Maybe Christopher Lambert? He could be a megamaniacal fashion designer of indeterminately European origin. It’ll be a nice change of pace after the epic heroism he displayed as Beowulf.

  • May 4, 2005, 6:16 p.m. CST


    by AeroB

    Send some query letters to major publishing houses and I bet you will get some bites to at least read the manuscript. FYI I’d buy it too

  • May 4, 2005, 8:44 p.m. CST

    Bees are not a worthy foe for Seagal

    by Fred

    Remake “Horror at 37,000 Feet” with Seagal in the Shatner role. Seagal vs Satan, Round 1.

  • May 4, 2005, 9:10 p.m. CST

    I’d like to see Seagal in Tarantino’s “Inglorius Bastards”

    by riskebiz

    I still think Seagal has some good movies in him.

  • May 4, 2005, 9:32 p.m. CST

    Hilarious, but please dont refer to vinnie jones as a “notable a

    by Captain Katanga

    … and hes good at playing thugs. he cannot act. this is the kind of film he should do well in

  • May 4, 2005, 11:01 p.m. CST


    by BurlIvesLeftNut

    Do you want a rim job or something? I don’t know you. I don’t know anything about you. But your reviews are hysterical, and honestly, that deserves a rim job. Thank you.

  • May 5, 2005, 1:56 a.m. CST

    Lets get something straight VAN DAMME’S movies are still compete

    by VatoLoco

    OUT OF REACH blew really hard but DERAILED was some good shit!

  • May 5, 2005, 2:20 a.m. CST

    Who will be the first TALKBACKER to make a post thinking that Ve

    by Eugene O

    It always happens!!!

  • May 5, 2005, 2:28 a.m. CST

    “another 9-11… except at sea.”

    by Eugene O

    That is awesome dialogue!!!!!!! I must see this movie!!!

  • May 5, 2005, 2:31 a.m. CST

    The Man Who Killed SCREWFACE cannot be stopped!!!

    by Eugene O

    Hail, Seagal!

  • May 5, 2005, 4:05 a.m. CST

    to Burl Ives

    by Vern

    Uh, no thanks bud, I will pass on that but thanks anyway I guess.

  • May 5, 2005, 7:19 a.m. CST

    They changed SNAKES ON A PLANE?!! Fucking bullshit, the entertai

    by Spacesheik

    Trust me NEW LINE – you make more money from the title SNAKES ON A PLANE than PACIFIC NORTHWEST 101 or FLIGHT 167 or AIR 747 or whatever 70s TV air disaster flick title you come up with.

  • May 5, 2005, 1:37 p.m. CST

    Good point, NotFunny

    by Vern

    Tony Scott is a well known proponent of the Avid farts. You could say that he has a serious case of Avid gas. He is a curiosity because it is much more common among filmatists half his age.

  • May 5, 2005, 4:04 p.m. CST


    by BillEmic

    I am one of the few who have actually seen “Clementine” and lived to tell about it. To tell the truth, it’s not *that bad*…but Seagal is not in it all that much either. It’s about a down-on-his-luck Korean guy who used to fight for money. Now he wants to leave his violent past behind – then he discovers he has a daughter. He allows her to stay with him and tries to raise him, meanwhile he’s still prone to violent outbursts that get him into trouble when he beats up gangsters and such. ANYWAY – the movie is mostly very melodramatic, with the child star that plays his daughter over-emoting and crying at every turn (things like “I love you, papa!”) and all that, constantly. She’s always missing several teeth. The movie is mostly a showcase for her to whine and squeel. She gives Haley Joel Osmet a run for his money, to be sure. Then at the end, she is kidnapped by some shady characters and the guy is forced to enter the ring and fight Seagal in order to win her freedom. Seagal doesn’t know about this so he’s not *really* a bad guy, per se, just a competitor in this fighting tournament. Honestly, I’m starting to wonder why I told you guys that this was a pretty good movie. Oh yeah, at the end of the credits, the little Korean girl smiles at the camera and goes, “I LOVE YOU, SEAGAL!” in broken English.

  • May 5, 2005, 7:50 p.m. CST

    FAB Press

    by Smilin’Jack Ruby

    Why don’t you try FAB Press? They recently published FANGORIA writer Alan Jones’ astounding Argento book, “Profundo Argento” as well as current Creature-Corner editor David Grove’s book on the history of the “Friday the 13th” franchise. Great review and I would SO buy y’er book. Seagal fucking rocks.

  • May 5, 2005, 7:57 p.m. CST

    by zigster

    This review is so friggin funny I peed my pants, which made Paris Hilton’s nostrils wet.

    Seagall needs to get in a Woody Allen movie as a gay chef. THAT’S your career revival right there.

  • May 5, 2005, 8:53 p.m. CST

    Isn’t Seagal’s character under a different name in Clementine?

    by Shan

    So, is it a dialogue stuff up at the end where the girl calls Seagal by his real name a la Mark Hamill calling Carrie Fisher by her real name in Star Wars? Or does she call him by his character’s name?

  • May 5, 2005, 10:04 p.m. CST


    by BillEmic

    Sorry, I should have made that more clear. Either during the credits or after (I can’t remember) they show some bloopers or out-takes from filming. It all climaxes with the little girl saying, “I love you, Seagal!” to the camera. It’s not actually part of the movie…but it is a high-light.

  • May 6, 2005, 1:44 a.m. CST


    by Shan

    Thanks … However, I think if they’d had that scene at the end where she calls him Seagal in the movie, it’s the sort of clanger that would have been very funny had it been in the final print and no-one noticed it.

  • May 6, 2005, 10:27 a.m. CST

    Vern, you are fucking hilarious!

    by squidman


    Thanks for the best laugh I’ve had all week!

  • May 7, 2005, 12:53 p.m. CST

    Kurtwood Smith’s actual Star Trek VI dialogue:

    by Flim_

    “Let us redefine progress to mean that just because we can do a thing, it does not necessarily follow that we *must* do that thing. Dumbass.” Vern, you have usurped my heretofore omnipotent and all-powerful vice-god, The Almighty (slightly-singed) Armadillo, to become the one true god’s right-hand man. Sit your ass down beside The Man, Chuck Norris, as my second-most worshipped idol on the face of this or any other planet. Feast upon the grapes of wrath, and continue dispensing mighty written justice. Also, I say we start a petition to get AIRFLIGHT 101 DELAYED DUE TO INCLEMENT WEATHER OVER CINCINATTI or whatever it’s called changed back to SNAKES ON A PLANE! Yes, complete with exclamation point, because, well, do I need to explain?

  • May 7, 2005, 1:27 p.m. CST

    Alternate titles for SNAKES ON A PLANE!

    by Flim_

    OK, I guess maybe if the producers are reading this, and they’re saying to themselves, “This guy here on the boards thinks we should change the name of the movie back to SNAKES ON A PLANE, but with an exclamation point on the end. We can’t do that because we already changed the title once, and we don’t want to look like we’re flip-flopping on what could be a major market-wide release. That would be just silly. We need a dramatic, refined name to appeal to everyone.” OK, no, and no. WE are right! WE are your audience!! If you think you’re making the CITIZEN KANE or 2001 of poisonous-critter-on-a-plane movies, well, you may be right. I’m not an expert on the genre, but I’m guessing this is the most money anyone has ever thrown at a movie that could be described as (apologies for stealing your term, Vern) “DIE HARD on a boat on a plane, only Alan Rickman’s a snake, Gary Busey’s nowhere to be found, and that chick with the huge chest-hams must have gotten off the plane when we landed somewhere sexy.” But, I guess if you don’t want to acquiesce to our demands, then I have a couple of suggestions for alternate titles. Let’s see… Snakes on a plane. Plane fulla snakes… OK, how about these: ANACONCORDE! EASTERN DIAMONDBACK AIRLINES! BOEING CONSTRICTORS! I suggest hiring Harrison Ford and calling it GET OFF MY PLANE, SNAKES! Or perhaps if Mel is over his Christ-fetish, get him to utter the titular line in GIMME BACK MY PLANE, YOU SNAKES! Anyway, change back the name!! I need this!

  • May 7, 2005, 1:50 p.m. CST

    More titles

    by Vern

    Those are all good suggestions, Flim. Sam Jackson has his own “Gimme back my son/Get off my plane” catch phrase but I’m not sure “YES THE SNAKES DESERVE TO DIE AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HAY-ELL!” works as a title. But I got a couple others: BITE FLIGHT, REPTILE HOUSE AT 30,000 FEET, NIGHT OF THE SNAKE-PLANE, or of course THE AVIATOR 2: SNAKES ON A PLANE. Well, at least BITE FLIGHT might work. Okay, yours are better. Sorry.

  • May 7, 2005, 2:22 p.m. CST


    by Flim_

    BWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! Directed by Martin Scorsnakese, starring Alan Aldeathadder and Leonardo DiCopperhead! I’d totally hire Kurt Russell as my lead though, because then I could call it SNAKE’S ON A PLANE! You’d KNOW there would be some ass-kicking and people getting bit then.

  • May 9, 2005, 3:09 a.m. CST

    tag line

    by AZJim

    I’ve got a tag line:

    “At 30,000 feet the only creature more dangerous than a biological mutant is…SNAKES!”

  • May 10, 2005, 8:10 a.m. CST

    BITE FLIGHT’s a winner, Vern.

    by JimboLo

    Though it suggests Seagal would be EATING the snakes.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 4th, 2005 at 2:50 am and is filed under Action, AICN, Reviews, Seagal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

7 Responses to “Vern spanks Seagal with his lips and then reviews his newest direct-to-video title SUBMERGED!”

  1. This is so mess. Vinnie Jones can’t save it. Stunningly beautiful english actress Alison King can’t save it. Seagal can’t save it. Hard to say is this worse than Attack Force.

  2. Ok Vern… I love you like a son, but I gotta say… you encouraging me to see this one “because Gary Daniels is in it” feels like some (well-deserved, it must be said) revenge for my confusing “Seagalogy” with “Seagalology”. More avid farts than the average DTV sequel to a successful horror franchise. I’m torn on whether this is so bad it’s hilarious or so bad it’s unwatchable – it frequently veers between the two. One thing I agree with the good Delbert with though, it ain’t good.

  3. Yeah can we argue that this is the worst Seagal movie?

  4. Paul – Next I recommend AGAINST THE DARK. Steven Seagal vs. vampires – how could it possibly go wrong?

  5. Argh. On the one hand, I’ve only just read your review of that one, so I’ve got a pretty good idea of what to expect. (Mind you, the same is true of “Submerged”, and like the massive ninny that I am I still watched it first.)

    On the other hand, I’m a weak-minded fool with zero resistance to peer pressure… and Seagal vs Vampires… it’s… just… too… awesome… And it can only get better after “Submerged”, right?

  6. SUBMERGED is one of the worst, but I think AGAINST THE DARK is the very worst.

  7. I would respectfully disagree on “Against the Dark”. I’ve written a fairly lengthy write-up on it in that review thread. In short – it’s not nearly as bad as “Submerged” was, although it’s no “Marked for Death” either.

Leave a Reply

XHTML: You can use: <a href="" title=""> <img src=""> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <b> <i> <strike> <em> <strong>