Vern says, ‘F–k WEDDING CRASHERS!’ Do you think he liked it’


Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with our man Vern who is… mighty unhappy with a certain Vince Vaughn/Owen Wilson comedy right now. You see, he… well… Shit, Vern can tell you…

Boys –

First off, congratulations on the kid, Moriarty. I hope he doesn’t have too many problems being named after some freak from FORBIDDEN ZONE. But congratulations and in my opinion some credit should also go to the wife, who I bet performed some of the more difficult aspects of the birthing process unless there is something Harry is not telling us.

Second order of business, I saw some movie called WEDDING CRASHERS. Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn play a couple of dickheads who like to sneak into weddings because somehow it causes them to automatically get laid. When I first saw the trailer for this one I felt insulted. It seemed like one of those premises that would maybe seem funny when you first think of it but then you would realize before you got a chance to even write it down that it was not funny enough for anybody to actually make or especially watch. The trailer didn’t show any of the plot but I assumed it would be one of those generic romantic comedies where the protagonist lies and tricks people but then to his surprise he meets someone who he really falls in love with, and there are montages and flirting and laughing and they become close but it’s all based on a lie so then suddenly she finds out the truth and he has to admit that he’s a scumbag but then he publicly humiliates himself and proves to her that he really loves her and then… oh shit, what if in this one they got MARRIED AT THE END? Would that be ironic or what? The hunter becomes the huntress, or whatever.

Wedding CrashersBut there was some good buzz on this one, some people saying it harkens to the glory days of raunchy R-rated comedy (what does that mean, Revenge of the Nerds 2?) and Entertainment Weekly did a big article a while back claiming it would be a huge sleeper hit. So maybe it’s not what it appears? I do like Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn sometimes and the movie was free and I quit drinking a long time ago so what the hell, man, I went.

Turns out what this is is one of those generic romantic comedies where the protagonist lies and tricks people but then to his surprise he meets someone who he really falls in love with, and there are montages and flirting and laughing and they become close but it’s all based on a lie so then suddenly she finds out the truth and he has to admit that he’s a scumbag but then he publicly humiliates himself and proves to her that he really loves her and whatever else I said earlier.

There are basically two types of mainstream comedies: TYPE A, the ones that are all about laughs, not to be taken seriously on any level, basically a bunch of skits and jokes and riffs strung together just trying to get laughs (ANCHORMAN, the AUSTIN POWERS saga, etc.) You’re not expected to care if Anchor Man finds true love or not, instead you get some shit about a talking bear or whatever. Then TYPE B is the ones where they put some jokes on top but the vast majority of the movie is a storyline about two people falling in love and you are actually supposed to give a shit about these people and be touched when things work out for them. Type B can be done well but it usually isn’t and this is no exception.

Yes there’s some funny lines here and there. Alot of the dialogue is probaly improvised. You know how Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson are when they improvise, they can be funny. You know. That’s what I have to say that’s nice. Good job on having a couple funny lines.

But this has all the usual bullshit that I hate about this type of movie. I mean not even the premise of the movie is believable. I don’t buy the idea that these guys could or would want to go to weddings all the time and claim to be relatives without being found out almost every time. And if they could, I don’t believe that they would get laid every time, or most of the time, or more than once. Or that there would be hot single women at all these weddings or that those women would ever see or talk to them.

The movie is smart enough to know that you can’t do much more with this premise than a long montage at the beginning (basically the trailer plus 2 seconds of tits) but dumb enough to think we want to see the rest of the movie. Since you see early on that Owen feels guilty about being a lying womanizer, you know he’s the one we’re supposed to think is actually sensitive and sympathetic even though everything he does implies that he’s a prick. The woman he falls in love with (some Jennifer Garner type [Rachel MacAdams]) is already engaged. So to make it acceptable her boyfriend is a total worthless asshole prick who bullies everybody, openly cheats on her and berates her in front of her family, who all still love him.

I guess THE WEDDING SINGER did the same thing, but that one had more appealing lead characters, way more laughs, and a more cartoonish tone. The bad guy boyfriend was a villain but at least they got a couple laughs out of it, like when he pulled up in a Delorean blasting the Miami Vice theme. This one’s an asshole, but not funny. He’s almost a super villain. He even finds out Owen and Vince’s secret just by telling a private eye their fake names and fake jobs. I’m not sure how he looked that up exactly, maybe it’s a new feature on google.

You know, WEDDING PLANNER will go between WEDDING CRASHERS and WEDDING SINGER in the comedy section at the video store, so it might act as sort of a buffer to prevent comparisons.

The movie is mediocre, it’s not easy to hate, but the climax helps. If I had to pick my very least favorite type of scene to have in a movie, it would be the ones they always have at the climax of these types of movies, where the filmatists try to push the word CONTRIVED so far that it loses its meaning. You know, the scene where the lead has to confess their love and the audience has to pretend for 5 or 10 minutes that they’ve never seen humans before and have no idea how they behave. In this one, it’s a scene where Owen Wilson rudely interupts his best friend’s wedding vows to make a long speech to the woman who hates him, in front of the whole congregation. Everyone stays silent and listens to what he has to say, the woman and her family are spontaneously won over by his sincerity, the prick boyfriend is publicly outed, dumped and physically punished, and nobody seems offended or uncomfortable about this happening in the middle of somebody else’s wedding.

I understand that this has somehow become an accepted form of storytelling, but I can’t stand this type of shit. It feels like the movie is stabbing me and then slowly twisting the blade for the whole scene. And as a side note, I would like to mention that when a movie points out that it is following a cliche (“Would it be a cliche if I kissed you now?”) IT IS STILL A GOD DAMN CLICHE. Even Kevin Williamson probaly knows this by now.

And don’t buy that bullshit about it being a good old fashioned raunchy R-rated movie. This is a completely vanilla movie, the same old cutey pie horseshit where the good guys get laughs by doing something morally reprehensible but then instead of going with it the movie also wants to pretend that they are total sweetheart romantics. There are no surprises or pushing of the comedy envelope unless you count a weird bit where a gay guy is portrayed as a freaky hunchbacked Peter Lorre type who forces himself on straight men. Maybe the MTV Movie Awards will have a category for Best New Homophobic Stereotype. Otherwise I doubt we’ll be hearing much about this movie after a couple weeks on video.

For me there were no big laughs. But I don’t know, some people will probaly find it hilarious. If two sweethearts smiling at each other, giggling and playing cute handslap games on the beach is uproariously funny to you, you’re gonna fuckin LOVE this one. And the scene where they ride bikes together! I mean, you will DIE. I’m not somebody that would bow at the altar of OLD SCHOOL but this is not even in that league, it’s much blander, more like something your friend’s girlfriend who you hate would claim is really good.

Wouldn’t it be funny if Moriarty went and saw REBOUND or SKY HIGH or some crap, but he was so jacked up on the emotions of new fatherhood that he cried through the whole thing and came out convinced it was RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK for his son’s generation? I think it would be funny but I bet it won’t happen with this one. Even the Miracle of Life is not gonna make this one particularly memorable.

I forget what I was even talking about. so commence with the talkbacks. I’m first though.



Originally posted at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/20667

View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback

  • July 8, 2005, 5:29 a.m. CST


    by banthafodderUK


  • July 8, 2005, 5:30 a.m. CST

    Damn – I fucked up!!!

    by banthafodderUK

    I think wedding crashers looks fucking funny- Vaughn/Wilson usually = lots of laughs

  • July 8, 2005, 5:34 a.m. CST

    Quint, I think thats the best review I’ve ever read

    by stoopid1

    When the review sounds infinitely more interesting than ths shitfest that is this film, you gotta give props. Well done old bean. Fuck this overhyped kack they throw at us time and time again. I KNOW people who will laugh at this film, which is so depressing I may have to go and watch Goodfellas to restore my faith in films.

  • July 8, 2005, 5:35 a.m. CST

    Only one thing funnier than Quints review of rage, and its First

    by stoopid1

    You can imagine his orgasmic shock at seeing an empty talkback.”Holy shit, this is the time I’ve waited for, this time I’ll show everyone how superb I am! Trampampoline!Tramampoline! Doh”


  • July 8, 2005, 5:39 a.m. CST

    GIve this guys a gold star.

    by stlfilmwire

    Nice review. You were able to describe it without giving away any of the jokes. I probably wont see it for a couple of years.

  • July 8, 2005, 5:54 a.m. CST

    One of the Funniest Reviews yet Vern

    by John-Locke

    Is there anyway someone can give Vern a more active involvement in the site? Vern keep up the good work.

  • July 8, 2005, 5:55 a.m. CST


    by Quint

    If I could, I would take credit for every single one of Vern’s reviews. The man is a mad genius. Thanks anyway for thinking I was as great as the man-god that is Vern.

  • July 8, 2005, 6:01 a.m. CST

    2 SECONDS OF TITS???!!!!!!!

    by Jay Jay

    I’m there!

  • July 8, 2005, 6:05 a.m. CST

    Why is Owen Wilson a star?

    by Lone Fox

    I mean Vince Vaughn did Swingers at least

  • July 8, 2005, 6:22 a.m. CST



    I don’t understand the current crop of what are considered funny people these days. Wilson I think maybe could be funny, but someone would have to write his dialogue (I just don’t think he could think it up by himself). Vaughn always plays the smart alec kind of like an unfunny version of Jeremy Piven (if you can imagine that). I mean come on, we all know how annoying Jeremy Piven is right? Do we really need another one?

  • July 8, 2005, 6:40 a.m. CST

    Voicing agreement with Lone Fox and AARONIUS

    by filker-tom

    What I don’t get is why everyone is so surprised that this film would bite. I understand Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson are considered talented and amusing in some circles, but there’s been no public evidence of this, apart from lame and uninteresting films which have some footage of them doing… stuff, or something, which are periodically trotted out and widely praised by… well, by no one, actually. Someone ought to tell these guys that they have no charisma and, in fact, suck the life out of every frame they’re in. Now, maybe I’m not the audience. I would say I despise the profoundly unfunny and unentertaining Jerry Seinfeld and Adam Sandler, but I can’t get that worked up over them. I’m even less worked up over Owen and Vince. And that’s enough said about that.

  • July 8, 2005, 6:46 a.m. CST

    damn, I really want to like this one…

    by Barney Hood

  • July 8, 2005, 7:15 a.m. CST

    Guess what…

    by megtdog

    Meesa loved him!

  • July 8, 2005, 7:17 a.m. CST

    Good review there

    by Riccardogogo

    Very funny, especially the observation regarding the film’s target audience being “Your best mate’s annoying girlfriend”. Unfortunately, that’s a pretty big market nowadays! For future reference: Any film that has that git Vince Vaughan’s inane grin is probably going to be shite.

  • July 8, 2005, 7:22 a.m. CST

    R Rated comedy of the year …

    by Mac Gargan

    is The 40 Year Old Virgin. And of last year as well, and probably the one before that. It really is the bomb. The trailer for this didn’t even make me laugh. Bad sign.

  • July 8, 2005, 7:23 a.m. CST

    Best ‘Type B’ film is ‘The Naked Gun’

    by Det. John Kimble

    Cause they knew it was a stupid cliche, and milked it for laughs. The ‘happy montage’ where Leslie Nielsen and Priscilla Presley leave the theater after seeing ‘Platoon’ laughing their asses off? Classic.

  • July 8, 2005, 7:41 a.m. CST


    by banthafodderUK

    : )

  • July 8, 2005, 7:43 a.m. CST


    by banthafodderUK


  • July 8, 2005, 7:52 a.m. CST

    supershadow.com has been hacked again

    by banthafodderUK

    supershadow.com has been hacked again

  • July 8, 2005, 7:53 a.m. CST

    I was watching Vaughn being interviewed on a breakfast show here

    by stoopid1

    He was smarmy as fuck and when the interviewer said in a crappy leave-them-laughing line ” Remind me to keep my daughter away from you!hahaha (shuffles notes on desk)

    “How old’s your daughter?”


    “hmmm…..” smug fucking look on face


  • July 8, 2005, 7:54 a.m. CST

    filker-tom, thankyou for mentioning Sandler!

    by Lone Fox

    I’ve been wanting to offload some pent up for a while. Adam Sandler, Steve Martin, Rob Reiner, Owen Wilson… sidekicks at best, but shit sidekicks nontheless. Robin Williams- okay, I’ll let you off. For now. ‘Rated R comedy’. Give me a break. HBO screens adult comedy. Difference is, it’s FUNNY. Hell, the BBC kicked it off with The Young Ones 20 years ago.

  • July 8, 2005, 7:57 a.m. CST

    AlexMaui – that’s not bad is it? – normally takes longer tha

    by banthafodderUK

    check out spershadow.com for the latest goons hack

  • July 8, 2005, 7:58 a.m. CST

    That is one of the funniest reviews I have ever read.

    by fonebone

    Vern, you are one talented mofo.

  • July 8, 2005, 7:58 a.m. CST

    Oh…my…god.I just read Banthafodders “repost” to me

    by stoopid1

    You’ve clearly never seen the Simpsons episode where homer gets pathetically excited about a free trampoline in the Ads of the newspaper. He jumps up and screams “TRAMAMPOLINE!! TRAMPAMPOLINE!!!” then runs out the house excited about being first to get to it. That, my friend, is you and your giddy excitement to post “1st”. Your fingers were trembling so much at the thrill of it all you couldnt even do that. And now you’ve humiliated yourself in front of a large group of geeks who got the Simpsons line straight away. I love the feedback. Back of the class, geek-wanabee.

  • July 8, 2005, 7:59 a.m. CST

    shit everyone – call the police!!! i spelled supershadow wrong i

    by banthafodderUK

    : )

  • July 8, 2005, 7:59 a.m. CST

    R-rating: Unnecessary

    by BillBrasky2620

    Those of you expecting this to be a good old fashioned raunchy R-rated comedy will probably be disappointed. I saw it last night, and as this review indicates, for the most part it’s a movie that women as well as guys will enjoy. The R-rating seemed to primarily be based on (a) the number of “F” words gratuitously thrown around and (b) the aforementioned 30 seconds of nudity (if that) which occurs in the first 10 minutes of the movie (in an ultra-brief montage scene). If these two things had been cut out, I think the movie easily would have gotten a PG-13. There’s one sexually suggestive, American Pie-like scene, but I think they could have gotten it past the ratings board, since there were scenes just as suggestive in the Austin Powers movies which still got a PG-13. Basically they shot themselves in the foot with this one, cutting themselves off from the money from teenagers who would enjoy this movie a lot. I’m not usually one for censorship, but in this case this was clearly a movie that was “dirtied up” to raise it from a PG-13 to R, instead of vice versa as usual.

  • July 8, 2005, 8:01 a.m. CST

    stoopid1 – bollocks!!! you got me – you can still suck my cock i

    by banthafodderUK

    just a little bit??? : )

  • July 8, 2005, 8:01 a.m. CST

    Ironic that the 2 seconds of tits in the film is roughly 2 secon

    by stoopid1


  • July 8, 2005, 8:02 a.m. CST

    What a comeback Bantha, you put me right in my place there

    by stoopid1

    You sure you didnt write the script for this film? Try harder, mini-geek.

  • July 8, 2005, 8:04 a.m. CST

    Im just trying to pre-empt his next glorious comeback. Something

    by stoopid1

    The man is truly a god amongst insects.

  • July 8, 2005, 8:04 a.m. CST

    stoopid1 – ON A MORE ON-TOPIC NOTE…

    by banthafodderUK


  • July 8, 2005, 8:06 a.m. CST

    Yeah I watched it with your mum

    by stoopid1

    At least I tried to, everytime she laughed I burnt my ass on the lightbulb

  • July 8, 2005, 8:07 a.m. CST

    stoopid1- did I surprise you then mate?

    by banthafodderUK

  • July 8, 2005, 8:08 a.m. CST

    I heard he lost his virginity last night and screamed “FIRST!” w

    by stoopid1


  • July 8, 2005, 8:08 a.m. CST

    stoopid1 – my mums dead, but there you go

    by banthafodderUK

    nice one

  • July 8, 2005, 8:10 a.m. CST

    red head

    by sefsterJ

    The nutty red head in the trailer is pretty friggin hot…and nutty…and tender.

  • July 8, 2005, 8:11 a.m. CST

    Yeah well my entire familys dead, and my dogs got a bad cold and

    by stoopid1

    This talkbacks amusing me more than that film every could. Damn, my great aunt just died.

  • July 8, 2005, 8:14 a.m. CST

    Revenge of the Nerds 2

    by theBigE

    Revenge of the Nerds 2 was actually rated PG-13. Why I remember that, I don’t know. Does that make me a nerd?

  • July 8, 2005, 8:14 a.m. CST

    stoopid1- sorry to hear about your dog- now about that blowjob y

    by banthafodderUK

    damn! i cant believe my lack of simpsons knowledge has caused me to look like a tit

  • July 8, 2005, 8:20 a.m. CST

    I fucking hate Owen Wilson.

    by Cpt Kirks 2pay

    He is the most unfunny, overrated ‘comedy’ actor I have seen lately. Don’t know why they call him a comedy actor anyway, as far as I know, he hasn’t told one joke in any of his films, just plays himself and just irritates me with his whiny, nasley voice of his. I’ve got more charisma than him, and I’m an ugly hamster faced wet chink of a wannabe actor/filmaker who’s Hell fated to be an out of work Film Extra ll his life anyway, so there you go. PS. Banthafodder, sorry about our mother, that’s real bad. Hope she didn’t die in a bad way. Stop all these mother jokes please.

  • July 8, 2005, 8:21 a.m. CST

    I think that happened long before not seeing the Simpsons gag, M

    by stoopid1

    Playing the “my mums dead” card was another lowpoint. When a geek insults your mum, you immediately come back with “well you’re mamas so fat” etc. To play the “shes dead” line doesnt work with AICN geeks, we’ve seen it all before. Bantafodder, nil pointe.

  • July 8, 2005, 8:24 a.m. CST

    Oh come on CptKirk, his mums not dead.

    by stoopid1

    Jeez, its amateur geek tactic number 1

  • July 8, 2005, 8:27 a.m. CST

    i saw the trailer to this

    by Krangelus

    and i was like “….”

  • July 8, 2005, 8:27 a.m. CST

    nah she’s not really dead, but i don’t need you to tell

    by banthafodderUK

    still, never mind- what’s your mum like? – cam i get a point for you spelling banthafodder wrong? eh? or a blowjob? (PS- CHEERS CPT KIRK FOR THE SUPPORT- BUT SHE’S OK!)

  • July 8, 2005, 8:28 a.m. CST


    by banthafodderUK


  • July 8, 2005, 8:30 a.m. CST

    Cpt Kirks 2pay – DO YOU HATE VAUGHN AS WELL?

    by banthafodderUK


  • July 8, 2005, 8:39 a.m. CST

    Cpt Kirks 2pay – DO YOU HATE VAUGHN AS WELL?

    by banthafodderUK


  • July 8, 2005, 8:39 a.m. CST

    James Franco

    by Cpt Kirks 2pay

    From Spiderman 2. Green Goblin’s son, Spidey’s best mate? Well he’s a spunkbag fucking wanker as well. We were working on a new film of his called ‘Flyboys’ about WW1 American fighter pilots, and this Cunthead was the biggest wanker going on set as well. Even the actors hated him. I call him Cunthead too ‘cos he had a real shit curly hairdo that looked like giant curly pubes pulled over his head. I see him on the street I am gonna kick fuck out of him, and take my time too, ‘cos I wanna enjoy it. Hopefully he won’t be able to do Spidey 3, and bring that overrated franchise to an end. Before you all start slagging that comment off, Carmaan guys, we all know Superman 3 is the best superhero movie going. That fight between Superman and Clark Kent? Now that’s ‘comedy’ acting Owen Wilson. “You always wanted to fly Kent, now’s your chance!”

  • July 8, 2005, 8:40 a.m. CST

    banthafodderUK You just made me shit my pants laughing ;-)

    by John-Locke

    Reminded me of Gene Hackman in Tenenbaums when hw tells Angelia he dying. This Tb is pretty fucking funny.

  • July 8, 2005, 8:40 a.m. CST

    yeah – and a double fucking post too

    by banthafodderUK

    its just getting better and better and better..

  • July 8, 2005, 8:43 a.m. CST

    That fight between Superman and Clark Kent?

    by banthafodderUK

    fucking excellent kirk – i liked the ‘bad’ superman- even his costume was all dirty/greeny- flicking peanuts at the mirrors etc…

  • July 8, 2005, 8:43 a.m. CST

    bigE — I remembered that too

    by chrth

    But remember, they used some of the same jokes from the first one (such as “we got bush”) in a PG-13 context rather than an R context, so it’s understandable.

  • July 8, 2005, 8:53 a.m. CST

    Well my Mum’s still alive…

    by Cpt Kirks 2pay

    ..But I nearly killed my girlfriend when SW3 came out. You know how you always have playfights with your bird, and you let them win a lot of the times ‘cos they’re such wimps and need the confidence. Well, I like to imitate movie figts with her too, so when SW3 came out I re-enacted the Yoda vs. Sidious fight, and instead of Senate pods, I started chucking about a hundred chairs in a hostel kitchen at her. One of ’em knocked two of her teeth out, one poked her in the eye, the last one flipping knocked her out, as she fell she twisted and broke her arm, then a pot of hot soup fell on her and burnt her real bad. When she tried to blow me out when she woke up in hospital, I just laughed real loud Emporer style, and the whole ward could hear me. ————————– We’re getting married next February.

  • July 8, 2005, 8:55 a.m. CST

    Vern, Sincerely, THANK YOU.

    by www.valiens.com

    I was thinking about seeing this but your review sounds like something I might write so I’ll stay far, far away.

  • July 8, 2005, 9:03 a.m. CST

    “Entertainment Weekly did a big article a while back claiming it

    by FrankDrebin

    You’re kidding me–you actually think EW is an objective source of movie buzz? They cut-&-paste directly from publicity releases!

  • July 8, 2005, 9:15 a.m. CST

    The last laugh out loud funny movie I remember seeing is Super T

    by Blacket-Man

    Comedy’s just plain suck nowadays. None of them work for me. Ofcourse the same goes for TV, the last laugh out loud funny show I have seen is The Office (UK version) oh and there was also Futurama. So so sad to it gone.

  • July 8, 2005, 9:26 a.m. CST

    by foreignerbelt

    Vern I have the uncontrollable urge to tell you I hate you, you fucking bitch. Wow. Don’t even know where that’s coming from. But there it is. I feel like I want to punch you. Dont ever review again because you suck as a reviewer and you suck at life. Seriously I don’t know where this is coming from. But I think I actually mean it. Did you have evil subliminal messages in your fucking stupid gay review or something? God I fucking hate you, you piece of fucking shit. go die. (jesus.)

  • July 8, 2005, 9:27 a.m. CST


    by ThingsThatTimDog

    Hahahahah…Good Review Quint :)

  • July 8, 2005, 9:36 a.m. CST

    It was FUNNY AS SHI* – this guy was jaded.

    by Russman

    I saw it last night and laughed my ass off. this and 40 Year Old Virgin will be the best comedies of the year. Finally we get R rated comedies!!!

  • July 8, 2005, 9:38 a.m. CST

    by foreignerbelt

    I dont even know if I was kidding or not. At this point I am embarrassed to be alive. especially now that I have read the thread that I am on

  • July 8, 2005, 9:43 a.m. CST

    Vaugn us only as good as his material.

    by I Dunno

    Swingers was great but Vaughn’a not the type pf actor who could make “Telephone Book: The Movie” funny like Bill Murray. He’s at the mercy of the screen writer and if they suck, so does he.

  • July 8, 2005, 9:49 a.m. CST

    Great Review Vern – But……

    by cookylamoo

    Isn’t it true that the “Shallow bastard transformed by love into a decent fellow” plot is as old as movies themselves? Doesn’t this character go back to “The Apartment”, “How to Succeed in Business” and further? Why doesn’t the modern incarnation of this character work for you?

  • July 8, 2005, 10:07 a.m. CST

    evil superman suit

    by banthafodderUK

    all dirty and green

  • July 8, 2005, 10:12 a.m. CST

    Jesus Vern, where’s your suspension of disbelief?


    I mean, I’m not saying the movie is GOOD, but you gotta at least be able to get past the premise. Is it any less believable than a bunch of 30 year old guys starting a fraternity? Or hell, the dead rising from the grave? I mean, come on dude.

  • July 8, 2005, 10:21 a.m. CST

    This movie…

    by Cpt Kirks 2pay

    …will be a lack of laugh fiesta everytime Owen Wilson’s onscree, just like my lack of guilt antics about putting my girlfriend in hospital with my Evil Emporer act. Sod Supe’s green suit and dodgy stubble.

  • July 8, 2005, 10:23 a.m. CST

    Not my kind of film

    by Mafu

    Thanks, Vern. Good review, even though there was no way in hell I’d ever watch a movie like this in the first place. I’m not in the credulous, simple minded, aged 17 – 25, mostly female demographic, so I’m not the “The Wedding Crashers” target audience. I’m sorry you had to sit through such brain-crushing tripe, Vern. Now you need a vacation.

  • July 8, 2005, 10:28 a.m. CST

    They can crash my wedding party in February anytime…

    by Cpt Kirks 2pay

    Just so they can shag my wife, and me throw chairs at them. Also doens’t VinceVaughn ever sleep? He’s always got those Panda eye bags all the time.

  • July 8, 2005, 10:29 a.m. CST

    kirk – you should have just used the 2uperman 3 tyre-chucking ma

    by banthafodderUK

    – works every time

  • July 8, 2005, 10:36 a.m. CST

    I do think this will be a sleeper hit.

    by BigTuna

    The trailer I thought was very funny(at least compared to other trailers of comedies)

  • July 8, 2005, 10:40 a.m. CST


    by Cpt Kirks 2pay

    You need to lighten up Spunkboy. You’re stuck up with your own head up your arse. Why isn’t this your kind of film? Too intelligent for it? I’m into the Ingmar Bergman, Raging Bull, JFK, Last Temptation so called adult and controversial films just as much as I am into The Jerk and perving out at Michelle Heaton in her lycra clad sweat soaked, big bosumed body get chairs thrown at her on Celebrity Wrestling. So broaden your horizons you Cunt Bucket. You can come to my wedding, just so I can do that bit from Superman 3 and drop that huge magnet from that crane onto you and crush you into the ground, all in glorious, hilarious comic speeded up film special effects.

  • July 8, 2005, 10:46 a.m. CST

    Big Tuna and his ‘sleeper hit’.

    by Cpt Kirks 2pay

    Yeah, I’ll give you a Sleeper Hit sucka. When you come round to my wedding, where my wife wil probably be carried out on a stretcher down the aisle, after I’ve thrown some more chairs at her the weekend before. I’ll pull you up to a breaker’s yard on the way to the reception, then like in Superman 3 I’ll kick you in the jaw and knock you out, just like Green flabby suited Supe’s did to Clark Kent, even though he was still conscious after he had that huge magnet dropped on his head from 100 foot up, all in glorious, hilarious, comic, speeded up film special effects.

  • July 8, 2005, 10:58 a.m. CST

    Evil French comedy.

    by Shan

    Go see L’Appartment with Monica Bellucci and Vincent Cassel, I believe it was horribly remade as Wicker Park. Anyway, the original is excellent and also, it’s Evil French Black Comedy. It’s not guilty of a typically happy ending either. So, definitely worth a look. Did I also mention Monica Bellucci is in it?

  • July 8, 2005, 11:09 a.m. CST

    A day inna life of the Cpt Kirks 2Pay

    by DinoDeLaurentiis

    “Would you a like a the fries with a that, Sir?” “Fries, yeah, I gonna fry you a like a the Texas inmate onna the Death Row.” “Would you like a to Biggie-Size that, Sir?” “Yeah I like a to Biggie-Size it! I gonna Biggie-Size it alla over your a ass, just a like I Biggie-Size a my wife’s ass a right through a the wall!” “Cash or a the charge, Sir” “Charge? I’ll a charge a you mate, just a like I gonna charge down a the aisle at a my wedding to kick a my wife inna head.” “Have a the nice a day, sir.” “Oh, I’ll have a the nice a day, just like a you when I come over anna kick a your teeth in anna you wake uppa next to my wife inna the hospital and then I hit a you both over the head again with a the chairs!” Holy crappa, this a guy, he gotta the anger management problem, eh?

  • July 8, 2005, 11:09 a.m. CST

    RE: Cpt Kirks 2pay

    by Mafu

    You wrote, “So broaden your horizons you Cunt Bucket.” I wasn’t looking for a fight here, 2pay. I was expressing my opinion that this film isn’t for me. If you want to make this a personal issue since you’re so willing to defend this kind of formulaic comedy, go ahead and keep calling me names like “Spunkboy” and “Cunt Bucket.” By the way, you forgot to call me “Cheese Shit,” “Fuckwad,” and “Pretentious Loser.” Get it together, 2pay.

  • July 8, 2005, 11:25 a.m. CST

    Re: Mafu.

    by Cpt Kirks 2pay

    Oh shut up, you Spam Purse on legs.

  • July 8, 2005, 11:26 a.m. CST

    Well, if someone wants to foock something…

    by SalvatoreGravano

    …he probably likes it a little, but most likely does not love it…

  • July 8, 2005, 11:30 a.m. CST

    Again, 2pay

    by Mafu

    You enjoy comedies such as “Wedding Crashers,” that’s cool. In my orginal post I wrote movies such as these are for people in the “simple minded, aged 17 – 25, mostly female demographic.” Am I wrong about this? Or am I just right about you?

  • July 8, 2005, 11:33 a.m. CST

    Wait, 30 seconds of nudity only in the begining….

    by kdoc13

    I thought that this was the movie where Jane Seymour finally unleashed her boobies to the world? I read an interview with her where she said she was worried about what her kids would think of it? Does that mean it got cut? Seeing Dr. Quinn finally get starkers in a film was the only thing that even interested me about this flick. If that’s gone, I have no more reason to go see it.

  • July 8, 2005, 11:41 a.m. CST

    Defending Owen Wilson

    by Itchy

    Okay, the guy isn’t quite the genius people tend to make him out to be, but he is definately funny in a very appealing, non-offensive way. He dropped the best line in the miserable Meet the Parents (“Because Jesus was a carpenter”) and was hilarious as the repressed homo western writer in The Royal Tannenbaums. So all of you get off his dick. As for me, I’m sure I’ll laugh at this movie. Hell, I laughed at American Wedding, so maybe my standards are a little low … but Vince Vaughn is money, baby, and weddings (as Sandler proved) are inherently funny.

  • July 8, 2005, 11:57 a.m. CST

    Wilson was funniest in “Zoolander”

    by cookylamoo

    But that was the perfect role for him.

  • July 8, 2005, 12:02 p.m. CST

    This talkback is almost surreal…

    by Uncooked_Meat

    … I mean, busting girlfriend’s teeth with chairs, “Spunkboy”, some truly hilarious spelling, X-Men and Simpsons quotes, cocksucking, and of course, the genius of Vern calling first. I’m in bizarro-talkback, and I… fucking… love it…

  • July 8, 2005, 12:29 p.m. CST

    kdoc13 – Seymour’s Boobies

    by Russman

    Yo, you barely see the side of them. Her back is to the camera and you see Owen’s reaction. Then you see him touching them. His hands are over them but from what you see you can tell that they’re nice. Or as Jeff the Drunk would say, “Niiiicceeee”.

  • July 8, 2005, 12:35 p.m. CST

    Big Gay Bear

    by Dr strange

    That is some funny shit! My sides are sore froom laughing. Grade A review by the way.

  • July 8, 2005, 12:36 p.m. CST

    vern is the best.

    by mocky_puppet

    I love Vern’s reviews.

  • July 8, 2005, 12:43 p.m. CST


    by Dr strange

    That’s F-R-O-M, sorry.

  • July 8, 2005, 12:46 p.m. CST

    Vern, I don’t think you’re an asshole

    by Moonrocks

    I not prone to write about reviewers, unless they’re Harry, but this is such a dead-on review of every “type-B” supposedly romantic comedy made since, oh, 1996. The little plot summary section hits it all on the head. As for Wedding Crashers, I dunno, hopefully, I’ll get laid…

  • July 8, 2005, 1:02 p.m. CST

    Damn…that’s the best review I ever read on this site.

    by Lost Skeleton

    Vern…you are goood! Hopefully comedy sciptwriters will take notice.

  • July 8, 2005, 1:15 p.m. CST

    banthafodderuk and stoopid1 should get their own weekly talkbalk

    by sTalking_Goat

    A Thunderdome type thing, you know. Two geeks enter, one geek leaves. Atleast then I could avoid their BS.

    Vern is pretty much the only reviewer I still trust…

  • July 8, 2005, 1:17 p.m. CST


    by wood wannabe

  • July 8, 2005, 1:19 p.m. CST

    Just got back from work. Did I just read Banthafodder telling me

    by stoopid1

    Holy moley, I’m living in cloud cuckoo land

  • July 8, 2005, 1:22 p.m. CST

    Oh come on Stalking Goat, you love it really

    by stoopid1

    Kiss me you sweet sweet fool.

    Banthafodder is my evil dyslexic side, incapable of feeling love, understanding irony or the concept of hygeine.

  • July 8, 2005, 1:39 p.m. CST

    Hey Owen….

    by Graphix67

    … fix your damn nose already! It’s pissing me off!

  • July 8, 2005, 1:39 p.m. CST

    Jeremy Piven is actually pretty funny.

    by FluffyUnbound

    “Excuse me if I have to take a call when it comes in at NOON on a FUCKING WEDNESDAY!” Every time that episode airs my wife stays off my back for a week.

  • July 8, 2005, 2:22 p.m. CST

    by foreignerbelt

    PCU. watch PCU. and then never tell me anything bad about Piven again.

  • July 8, 2005, 2:24 p.m. CST


    by Cpt Kirks 2pay

    ..You wanna sort your wife out, send her round to my gaff. I’ll throw some chairs at her – after I’ve ‘sorted her out’. You can have her back then, but probably won’t wanna know ya after she’s had me. If you can catch her that is, she’ll probably be running from you even faster than a kid’s backside does, after Michael Jackson’s been up it.

  • July 8, 2005, 2:53 p.m. CST

    Whoa Quint – moderators get Darth Vader style posts?

    by InspectorDoppler

    I want a darth vader style post.

  • July 8, 2005, 2:54 p.m. CST

    F**K Vern


    i usually don’t go to comedies in the theater;i wait for them on dvd. i had a chance to see wedding crashers at a sneak preview last night, and i gotta tell you, i have never laughed harder. i was crying a few times b/c i was laughing so hard. before i saw the movie, judging from the trailers, i figured all the funny parts were in the trailer, and they weren’t all that funny. that was definitely not the case. this movie deserved the R rating b/c there were some funny parts that were for adults only and that the trailers never touched on, thankfully. the entire theater was so loud with laughter, some of the dialogue was drowned out. there were times when there was a kinf of snowball effect of hilarious shit going on that you missed some of what was being said. vern is right that there are two scenes that were really unneccessary(bike scene and the last wedding scene), but they weren’t supposed to be funny. 90 minutes of the movie was friggin’ hilarious, 20-25 was not. i’ll take that. Vern is dead wrong, and i plan on seeing this again when it comes out.

  • July 8, 2005, 2:57 p.m. CST



    fluffy, he actually said, “MUTHAfuckin’ wednesday”…great line.

  • July 8, 2005, 3:08 p.m. CST

    Winstoner, you are correct sir.

    by FluffyUnbound

    “But when the nagging isn’t there, see – no rage.” It’s a great character.

  • July 8, 2005, 3:16 p.m. CST

    gay ‘wedding’

    by speedlace_esq

    Nice work, Vern. Funny stuff. I didn

  • July 8, 2005, 3:18 p.m. CST

    evil white man


    me likes to laugh sir, me likes to laugh. cool, my first talk back post ever and i’ve already been called a plant, even though i didn’t really give an actual movie review. i usually see movies i like twice; that’s my own little way of rating them. more than once in the theater, then it was a good one, plus the girlfriend will want to see it. please please give me one more chance evil white man, i don’t think i can go on if i’m not credible to you.

  • July 8, 2005, 3:20 p.m. CST

    Vern, you quitter!!!

    by Hamtaro_Hentai

    Have a beer, for god’s sake! Oh, and great review, as always. This one has wait for HBO written all over it…

  • July 8, 2005, 3:28 p.m. CST



    definitely agree with you about that 30 minutes; movie could’ve been near perfect w/o the last half-hour. not sure about the vince vaughn part though. the chick was a raving lunatic psycho and for someone who lives to “hit it and quit it”, she was way too clingy for him; plus he was afraid her dad would kill him or have him killed. eventually he came to his senses and banged her for the last half-hour of the movie. and remember the opening montage? nothing but T&A and those two boning everything in sight.

  • July 8, 2005, 3:49 p.m. CST

    too-long review

    by matrix69

    I mean, damn.

  • July 8, 2005, 3:56 p.m. CST

    responding to many different points

    by Vern

    1). I think both Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson ARE funny and charismatic. But unlike me they do not have a commitment to excellence. They just take the movies they can and try to say funny things in them. If they had a C2X like myself they would wait for high quality movies and this would be better for America and for the world, in my opinion. 2). Owen Wilson also wrote those Wes Anderson pictures which is worth mentioning, maybe. Who knows. 3). Some people will definitely like this movie until the next one comes along. I don’t think the guy above who liked it is a plant. People were laughing alot when I saw it. Especially at every line that was in the trailer. People like familiarity I guess. So don’t criticize him, he’s right. I wrote this review for the people like me who don’t like this type of crap who might believe reviews from respectable individuals like Mr. Beaks who make it sound like it might be more than it appears. It ain’t. E) No, of course I don’t believe Entertainment Weekly, that’s just a high profile example of people claiming it’s not generic pap. F) What the hell? I’m a jock? What does that even mean? I’m Vern. Check out my web sight. G) To TV CASUALTY on suspension of disbelief. It’s a good point so I gotta address it. No, movies don’t need to be realistic, but there is a different tone between a movie like Old School which is more type A and this one which is type B. The emotions are obviously supposed to be taken seriously, it takes place sort of in the real world. But then we’re supposed to believe that if you pretend to cry at a wedding a playboy playmate will spot you across the crowd and want to fuck you. Maybe if they had less obvious and more elaborate schemes it would be funny, but they’re just going through the motions with the minimum amount of imagination. Old School was a funny premise I thought because it fed off things we know to be true about older men trying to recapture their youth. This one you’re sort of supposed to think they’re cool though, and believe they can pull it off. To me it seems like the fantasy of some teenager whose idea of adult life comes from ’80s comedies that feature wet t-shirt contests. X) And finally to COOKYLAMOO who had a great question about why this formula doesn’t work for me now when it has worked over the years. You’re talking about movies with clever scripts and appealing characters. They hit on universal themes we’ve seen a million times before but they are their own stories. This is not that. This is where you take ROMANTIC COMEDY OUTLINE #1, type “sneak into wedding” here and there, and you’re pretty much done. I think you gotta put more effort into it than that, at least to win me over. I mean look, romantic comedy isn’t my thing but I can admit when it works. AMELIE is the best fairly recent example of a romantic comedy that exactly follows a formula but at the same time seems like a movie unlike anything you’ve ever seen before. But I don’t even demand that much. I even kind of liked FEVER PITCH. It took the basic template but worked it around the theme of couples learning to understand each other’s freaky obsessions, so it was relatable in a way you don’t always see in those movies. I didn’t think Wedding Crashers did that. It is the template with only a light glaze on top, nothing substantial enough to keep you from staring at the structure beneath.

  • July 8, 2005, 3:57 p.m. CST


    by DennisMM

    This one’s got me cocking my head to the side and going “mmwhh?” like a dog does.

  • July 8, 2005, 4:01 p.m. CST

    and to speedlace

    by Vern

    I like your review better than mine. Except you make the movie sound more interesting than it really is. Unless maybe that’s what they were going for and it was over my head. Too subtle for me.

  • July 8, 2005, 4:02 p.m. CST


    by Vern

    Man, that was one of my SHORT ones. But you’re right, probaly longer than the movie requires.

  • July 8, 2005, 4:50 p.m. CST

    FOOLS…are this foolish to believe this guy?

    by Sin Amos

    CRYING, MOANING, GIGGLING, BOISTEROUS LAUGHING, that is all we experienced at the advance screening. This guy saw the preview and decided to fake a review.

  • July 8, 2005, 4:53 p.m. CST

    Now that the POST Is WORKING…

    by Sin Amos

    Vern’s attempt at clearly recognizing “CLICH

  • July 8, 2005, 5:33 p.m. CST

    Sin Amos you are the FOOL

    by John-Locke

    Vern has been writing reviews for this site for ages, and he’s probably the best.

  • July 8, 2005, 5:37 p.m. CST

    I still reckon it’ll be a big bucket of donkey cocks

    by stoopid1

    And i’d know.

  • July 8, 2005, 5:44 p.m. CST

    by foreignerbelt

    I dont know John Locke I think I fucking hate him

  • July 8, 2005, 8 p.m. CST

    Amos Sin

    by Vern

    Well how do you like that. If you like a movie you’re a plant, if you don’t like a movie you’re a plant. Buddy, how am I gonna “fake” a review? You think I actually loved this movie but I’m afraid to admit it so I made up a long list of valid complaints that I don’t really believe in? There is no grand conspiracy on this one Amos. I have not gone undercover reviewing movies for several years as a sinister phantom menace plan to pretend not to love this movie when it comes out. I am actually a disgruntled ex-watcher of this god damn movie, and the thousands of others exactly like it. Unlike some of the talkbackers, I actually like the guys in this movie, I just wish they wouldn’t keep pimping themselves out to half assed lazy unimaginative disposable mediocrities like this. Your furious passion for such an okay-at-best movie is real surprising to me, but I’m not gonna accuse you of being a plant. I have no doubt that you really enjoyed the movie as I’m sure many will. But I DO doubt that you will sincerely consider it a “comedic gem” in, let’s say, 2 years. Not that you will hate it then but I’m betting you won’t give two shits about it either way. I propose that we meet back here in exactly 2 years. July 10th, 2007. And we will see if you are in love with the movie or if you even remember what it’s about. I’m serious, I just marked it on my calendar.

  • July 8, 2005, 9:34 p.m. CST


    by Waff

    That review was fun to read. Nicely done.

  • July 8, 2005, 9:59 p.m. CST

    I’ve seen the movie and there’s actually a lot to like..

    by Hail

    the final act sucks and is too long, but there is a lot to like for the first 2/3’s. For instance, and for nothing else, watch it for the handjob scene, the hunting scene, and Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson. It may go limp in the end, but Vaughn, Wilson, and the cute as hell McAdams definitely make it worth while…

  • July 8, 2005, 11:48 p.m. CST

    A reviewer for years….John-Locke? Vern Plant?

    by Sin Amos

    What an accomplishment to be an AICN inside scooper, but it still seems like you watched the previews and wrote a review from that, mr. plant. Your critique lacked originality, so as an occasional visitor to this site, I thought I would pay you a compliment. I

  • July 9, 2005, 2:25 a.m. CST

    Why Owen is a “star”

    by capt jack aubrey

    Granted there’s hype and charm and looks and all that (if not exactly steller script choices), but if you’re going to hold up Swingers as Vaughn’s “cred” then you have to give Wilson Bottlerocket — his performance as Dignan is every bit as iconic and brilliant and full of career promise as Vince’s Trent was…

  • July 9, 2005, 2:30 a.m. CST


    by capt jack aubrey

    To be clear, I’m not saying Dignan in Bottlerocket was a “star-making” role — after all, few mainstream filmgoers have seen it, unlike Swingers… certainly Trent was flashier and more quotable, but, with the exception of Made, what has Vaughn done since that really shows his chops? (though I still say his guest-hosting of the Late Show was flat-out smooth genius)… The Butterscotch Stallion ends up in some crap, and in some cases his charm elevates the material (Shanghai Whenever), but he’s also done solid, admirable work in Tennenbaums and Aquatic… interesting that both Wilson and Vaughn have done their best work with the guys who got them started: Favs and Anderson…

  • July 9, 2005, 3:12 a.m. CST

    He’s so adorable when he’s angry

    by Ribbons

    Wow, I think that’s probably the most pissed-off I’ve ever seen Vern. Uhh…not SEEN, per se, but you get the idea. But he made great points about the movie (and movies like it) and was his usual hilarious self in the process. I wonder how the rest of the critical world will react to the film. EW’s already given the thing lip service three ways to Thursday, so I’d be shocked if their review was anything but glowing (in that post-coital way, of course), but it certainly seems to take advantage of a lot of the clich

  • July 9, 2005, 3:20 a.m. CST

    to Amos Sin

    by Vern

    Oh, I get it. You’re a complete wacko nutjob. I thought we were having a reasonable conversation about a difference in opinion. My mistake. I don’t need to explain myself or my accomplishments to you. You probaly have three copies of my book anyway. The point is that simple one click research and/or basic familiarity with Ain’t It Cool News would have prevented you from making the ridiculous assumptions you made about me. I have shown you enough respect to assume that you are simply a crazy person with terrible taste in movies and poor manners, and NOT an intern who takes his job of cleaning the bathrooms at New Line Cinema’s marketing department way too seriously. However you have not shown me this same respect. But I’m still gonna show it to you because I’m a god damn gentleman. You see long ago there was a famous carpenter who believed in turning a cheek on a motherfucker. I forgive you. And July 8th it is. See you then.

  • July 9, 2005, 5:25 a.m. CST


    by The Goat

    I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that every loser on this thread abhors Wedding Crashers and adores 40 Year Old Virgin, or that Vern doesn’t think there are hot women who want to get layed at weddings! You guys are awesome! There’s nothing better for your self-esteem after comin home dry from a club to read these talkbacks.

    I actually agree with Vern about the Type A and B comedies, but when I first heard about this flick I thought it was a genius premise. It should be a great Type A, and if it really is a terrible Type B like Vern says, its yet another in an endless line of wasted opportunities.

    Wedding crashing is one of the best urban myths out there, my friends and I discuss it drunkenly at nearly every wedding we attend. Sure, it gets tough when they start serving dinner and everyone has an assigned table spot, but if you show up when the reception gets started, or after dinner, there’s no guestlist or nametags. So the film certainly has potential.

    According to Vern of course, they miss the mark by about a continent. If so, that sucks, but I’ll reserve judgment based on Vern’s subjectivities.

    A) Vern don’t drink. I probably won’t see this thing til DVD, but I definitely won’t walk into the theater with less than a six pack of V&Ts under my belt, and several similarly wasted co-stars to mock the romantic montages with. BTW Vern, thanks for the heads up about the montage, now I know when to go take a piss.

    B) Vern don’t think there’s hot young ladys that are easy at weddings. WHAT!!!!!!!! Are you an f’ing eunuch or just a colossal retard? Sure, they’re not all models who act like complete whores, but y’know what, ITS A GODDAMN MOVIE!!! Hell, Michael Moore’s “documentaries” require more suspension of disbelief than you seem to be willing to accept. Certainly the average marriage age has increased lately, but its still in the twentys, which means there will always be an assload of single young women present who are depressed about the fact that they aren’t wearing the most expensive dress. And sure, most of them will show up with “dates/boyfriends” so they don’t appear so desperate, but the “dates” are inevitably gay or work friends, and “boyfriend” fights are common at weddings for the obvious reason. In other words, its easier to get some random action at a wedding that at your local club, which is the whole point of the movie.

    C) Vince and Owen. Um…if you don’t like them, you probably won’t like this movie. Holy Crap, Batman, call the cops! This isn’t directed so much at Vern as it is at the TBers who stated they hated these two, yet still felt it was necessary to respond to this thread. WHY?!? There’s several actors out there I can’t stand, and I’d never see their movies, but more importantly I wouldn’t take any time outta my life to post about them.

    Regardless, the point is this: Wedding Crashers may toss more salad than Olive Garden, but don’t take Vern’s word for it.

    Or do, what the fuck do I care?

  • July 9, 2005, 5:49 a.m. CST

    Christ, Harry no paragraph breaks!!!

    by The Goat

    No wonder every poster looks even more like a raving lunatic than you do. I’m not asking for indentation, just space breaks. Y’know, like you guys use in yr stories.

    Thanks man.

  • July 9, 2005, 12:53 p.m. CST

    thanks for saving me some money

    by Homer Sexual

    The preview made me laugh, but Vern’s review is one of those really accurate types, and now I know it would be a waste of my time and money. Too bad it’s actually another softie, I had gotten my hopes up.

  • July 9, 2005, 2:05 p.m. CST

    “Your recommendations for others not to see this movie however i

    by Hamtaro_Hentai

    Ummmm… isn’t that the whole point of a review? We all know it’s his opinion, and whether or not we agree is kind of up to us, isn’t it?

  • July 9, 2005, 2:05 p.m. CST

    Goat and Elijah

    by Vern

    Goat, you make some good points about single women at weddings. Except the one about all their dates being gay which is you trying to show off. But the problem with the movie is their methods aren’t very believable or (worse) more than mildly amusing. For example, the Wedding Crashers pretend to cry. HILARIOUS! In the movie, Owen Wilson puts in tear drops and the specific playboy playmate he has his eye on magically spots him across the church and gets a look like “I will fuck that man, he is crying.” Later he makes up a war story. The wacky grifting doesn’t usually get any more imaginative or elaborate than that type of lazy 14-year-old how to get laid fantasy. I guess I should’ve looked it up before writing the review and realized the writers haven’t done much since writing for Married With Children. Which pretty much explains the quality and mentality of most of the movie. As for Elijah, I’m sorry if you hate me, etc. I don’t think I’m too cool for school though. I don’t actually write that many negative reviews – checking my web sight, it looks like my last 14 in a row were all positive. The last negative one I wrote was a straight to video Wesley Snipes called 7 SECONDS and that was more of an essay about how much I like Wesley Snipes. The one before that was SUBMERGED starring Steven Seagal which was terrible, but I actually like Seagal movies so much I’ve spent more than a year writing a book about them. In fact, you have just convinced me that I am way too nice of a guy. So I take it back, I am NOT sorry to have rubbed you the wrong way.

  • July 9, 2005, 3:46 p.m. CST

    Wait a minute, Vern.

    by Sin Amos

    In actuality, you should take a look at my book, Vern,

  • July 9, 2005, 5:26 p.m. CST

    Sir Amos

    by Vern

    Buddy, although I am impressed by your use of the word filmaquantamechanics, your assumptions are all wrong. I have not gone to film school, read a book on film theory, skimmed a book on film theory, read the back cover of a book on film theory, used a book about film theory to level my couch, acted in the wonder years, watched a complete episode of the wonder years, worked in the film industry in any capacity, and I have no idea what a nerdasaur hackster is. I don’t write scripts although there is a guy trying to make a movie ABOUT ME (as you can read elsewhere) which is alot cooler than having to learn all that formatting crap and having to write it yourself. Just buy another copy of my book (link above) or browse my web sight (link also above) and you will see that I am a guy who writes about movies. I am like a cross between Pauline Kael and John McClane, except taller. If it’s wrong for a guy to write about why he didn’t like a movie, then I recommend you stop clicking on web sights where people write about those type of things. It’s gonna be too upsetting for you otherwise. This might seem weird but it is actually possible for a guy to not like a movie as much as you did without there being some sinister motive behind it. Fer cryin out loud, this is not an episode of Matlock, there’s no secret about me that you can uncover to explain why I didn’t like Wedding Crashers. I just didn’t like it, as explained in too much detail above. Before we meet up again in 2007, I would like to hear your prediction of how much you will love Wedding Crashers at that time. Will you own the collector’s edition and show it to all your friends? If you were forced at gunpoint to make a top ten favorite movies list, would it have a shot? I’m guessing no. I’m guessing you will say “Well, I think I liked it at the time.” I’m saying that although this has a couple laughs it’s a forgettable, disposable, half-assed consumer product for selling DVDs and wasting two hours. You enjoyed your two hours and that’s cool, you got more out of it than I did due to your superior understanding of the theory of filmaquantamechanics. But I bet it quickly drops out of the back of your brain and withers away along with all your memories of Van Wilder, Wayne’s World 2, American Wedding, Scream 3, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer Again, the one with Luke Wilson and Martin Lawrence, Legally Blonde 2 and 3, the Romancing the Stone trilogy, The Shadow, Wild Wild West, Lost in Space, Men in Black 2, The Mod Squad, Bird On a Wire, Miss Congeniality 1&2, that one movie with Kate Hudson, that one movie with Jennifer Love Hewitt, that one movie with Brendan Fraser, and other mass produced disposable products of our culture that exist more in advertisements than in the collective unconscience or the zeitgeist or the human soul or the baby jesus’s tears or whatever it is that makes a great movie. If you really loved the movie, or thought I was being too hard on it, that’s cool. Look man, if you’re saying I went over the top in the review then you’re right. This is far from the worst movie around. I did laugh at times, just like I said. I hate what it represents, but there are worse examples. But I can see above that there are other people that hate this type of movie that were starting to buy the fake buzz about it being special (see new Entertainment Weekly cover story for another example). So I’ve done my job. I got nothing to be ashamed of except the review being too long, and this talkback being too long, and some other things from years ago that really have no relation to Wedding Crashers so I guess probaly I shouldn’t have brought it up, sorry. Anyway sorry bud, no offense intended. p.s. what is the title of your book, I will check it out

  • July 9, 2005, 5:50 p.m. CST

    “How to write scripts that don’t reek of other movies.”

    by Sin Amos

    Thanks for validating my argument and discrediting yourself from any understanding or filmesque education, because filmie credentials that riddle this site comes from the movie going experience, which gladly lets me squawk about the every-joe-nerd that watches movies from the uneducated eyes of a layman. I get it. I

  • July 9, 2005, 7:24 p.m. CST

    Sin Amos

    by Ribbons

    I’m not sure what you’re so mad about. I think the job of any reviewer, professional or otherwise, is to either recommend seeing or not seeing the film. Vern’s not implying that if you see it you feel differently about it than he does you don’t know anything about good movies, which is more than I can say for you. I think it’s great that you work in Hollywood and you aspire to someday write a film like this, but if you’re sensitive to overzealous criticism you could just politely disagree and refrain from doing the exact same thing.

  • July 9, 2005, 7:27 p.m. CST


    by Ribbons

    There should be an “and” in there somewhere in the third sentence. I’m a plebian, I know. I should just shut up and go buy a movie ticket already.

  • July 9, 2005, 7:41 p.m. CST

    oh jeez

    by Vern

    To be frankly honest Amos I can’t even understand what you’re saying in half that talkback. But I think you’re saying you’re a wannabe screenwriter so now I’m confused why you were accusing ME of that in the beginning. That’s okay though, I guess you’re mysterious and enigmatic and that’s cool. Anyway I agree with you that most film critics are jokers. I would even use that same word, jokers. Please don’t lump me in with those chumps, though. I walk a different path. For example, most film writers and even ain’t it cool news reviewers do not get into belligerent arguments with people on the talkbacks of their own reviews, just because it shows weakness and makes you look like a jackass. I play by my own rules though. Anyway, if that last talkback was supposed to be friendly and conciliatory and crap, then thank you. If not then stick it up your ass, fuck you, etc.

  • July 9, 2005, 7:47 p.m. CST

    Cutting Ribbons

    by Sin Amos

  • July 9, 2005, 7:59 p.m. CST

    Oh, jesus in a bikini.

    by Sin Amos

    Wannabe screenwriter really has a nice tone to it, Vern. See, your criticism was so bland on the film that I figured you had probably faked the review. But as I see a clearer picture of your chivalry as you try to figuratively stick things into my rear, my deduction leads me to believe you a callous and cold-hearted son of witch with a B. A gentleman always asks permission before such violations. If you must be crude, then continue on. And as far as showing weakness, you dah man.

  • July 9, 2005, 7:59 p.m. CST

    Jesus christ get a room you two, youre practically sucking each

    by stoopid1

    If I had kids, they’d be traumatised.

  • July 9, 2005, 8:01 p.m. CST

    Quick review. Film sucked, people who loved it are dribbling spa

    by stoopid1

    Simple, straight to the point.

  • July 9, 2005, 8:27 p.m. CST

    Yum, Dribbling Spazzies.

    by Sin Amos

    Dupid1, straight to the point: you envied us so much you had to jump in with your two rusty cents. Too bad you need a booster shot for lockjaw. Simply put, you have been contaminated by the banter. Aren

  • July 9, 2005, 8:34 p.m. CST

    Everyone in this talkback except Vern is a moaning faced, ill-hu

    by kuryakin

    That is all. Fucking Yankton cocksuckers

  • July 9, 2005, 10:13 p.m. CST

    Homer Sexual


    so do you want vern to show you how to shit, eat, and wipe your ass as well? jeez, when did people stop thinking for them selves when it comes to seeing or not seeing a movie? sure i read reviews as much as the next guy, and i listen to friends and such after they’ve seen a movie as well. but in no way does any of that prevent me from going to see something and forming my own opinion on it. people don’t realize many critics have agendas and will write reviews based on those same agendas. maybe the studio didn’t give them enough free shit, or maybe tom cruise or brad pitt screwed them over 10 years ago and they’ve never forgotten it. be that as it may, seeing or not seeing a movie based on what professional or laymen critics say is kinda screwed up. i can tell you if vern told you to go jump off a bridge, you probably shouldn’t do it. as for sin amos, i agree with you. this movie had me laughing my ass off, and that’s all i really wanted it to do.

  • July 9, 2005, 10:55 p.m. CST

    by foreignerbelt

    Sin Amos you’re a fucking weirdo, dude. kuryakin, you’re a little bitch. Vern- whatever, I don’t even know any more. Just, I wouldn’t bother trying to explain anything to us again in the talkback. Apparently we won’t even begin to understand. kuryakin, seriously, you’re a little bitch.

  • July 9, 2005, 11:01 p.m. CST

    God, I really loved that review….Sincerely

    by Mike Lovestein

    Vern, thank you for knowing what a piece of shit is and being able to communicate it to the retards of the earth.

  • July 9, 2005, 11:43 p.m. CST


    by Ribbons

    When you say “everybody” you’re including yourself, I’m sure. If not, I’d think about it. Asshole.

  • July 10, 2005, 2:04 a.m. CST

    Okay, I give up

    by Vern

    I faked the review, I actually loved this movie. I am still giggling thinking about that bike ride. I can’t believe they snuck into those weddings! One time they was wearing yamukahs! I almost shit my pants laughing at that shit! Ha ha ha I will remember this movie forever, it pretty much changed my life. I hope things works out between those two couples! It’s a crazy world but thank the good Lord we each have a special person out there for us somewhere. Sorry I misspoke before. The title should’ve actually been ‘HOORAY FOR WEDDING CRASHERS!’

  • July 10, 2005, 2:09 a.m. CST


    by Vern

    I should mention, they are not jewish! That is why it was funny when they was wearing yamukahs! Because they were pretending to be jewish! But they are not jewish! that’s how they got in! Gotta go now, there is a new issue of O magazine with my name on it! I wonder if Oprah loves WEDDING CRASHERS too!

  • July 10, 2005, 2:26 a.m. CST


    by keepcoolbutcare

    you should try to get him talking ’bout other comedies he’s dug so we can see what else he considers “…bashout brains ridiculously funny”. Seems like Sin is a step away from issuing a fatwa on anyone who doesn’t bow down before the glory of “Wedding Crashers”.

  • July 10, 2005, 3:04 a.m. CST

    by keepcoolbutcare

    Went over to your site…maybe you should just explain to Sin that your tastes run more to genre films and that “Wedding Crashers” isn’t really the type of film you would dig anyway. But WHAT THE FUCK MAN you’ve only recently seen “King of New York”!!! Good point ’bout Ferrara being an ass but KoNY, “The Addiction” and “Bad Lieutenant” are underground classics. Based on what you review I think you’ll dig them. Plus, any retraction on your choice of “deep throat”?

  • July 10, 2005, 3:08 a.m. CST

    Peaches and Cream

    by Sin Amos

    Wow, vern, you really took me down a peg or two, but seriously, what is the deal? Your harsh reference to the yamukahs as a down point makes me still believe you just watched a preview. Every point you make is some generalization that sounds hackney and imitative of a real review. Maybe you did see it, but your nose was too far up your own arse to realize that your shit don

  • July 10, 2005, 6:18 a.m. CST

    The film may, or may not be shit – but it has the funniest websi

    by ian216a

    Have you guys seen the site were you can put your own, or others faces over the trailer. It’s fantastic. Here’s the link to my favourite one I’ve done – http://www.weddingcrashersmovie.com/crashthistrailer/index.htm?id=19393

    and here’s one which my pal Mr Bulb did, which shows why the authorities don’t allow him out after 8pm – http://www.weddingcrashersmovie.com/crashthistrailer/index.htm?id=18777

    – funny as fuck.

  • July 10, 2005, 7:43 a.m. CST

    Heres one I just made

    by John-Locke


  • July 10, 2005, 8:07 a.m. CST

    Sorry for my earlier remarks everyone. I’m afraid I was comp

    by kuryakin

    But there is a lot of crazy shit flying around this talkback over a film that no-one will remember this time next year. You’d think someone had insulted people’s mothers or something. Or worse, Star Wars

  • July 10, 2005, 9:12 a.m. CST

    Another trailer with Harry & Drew

    by John-Locke


  • July 10, 2005, 9:14 a.m. CST

    Oooppps Wrong link, try this one

    by John-Locke


  • July 10, 2005, 11:09 a.m. CST

    Um, yeah. Vern never even saw this movie…

    by jollysleeve

    What the hell is this guy going on about? If you have a beef with Vern’s opinion, fine, but to continue to rant and rave and grapple with him, motivated solely by some bizarre conspiracy theory wherein Vern A) Actually liked the movie but decided to lie about his own opinion, or B) He never even saw the movie; Well, that’s just silly…….. Vern, don’t let the weirdos get you down. Just keep on telling it like it is, and we’ll keep reading.

  • July 10, 2005, 1:17 p.m. CST

    Mr Locke

    by ian216a

    That’s the spirit – loved Isla fisher telling the pooch she was in love with him

  • July 10, 2005, 2:57 p.m. CST

    Keep cool, and yet, still care

    by Vern

    Thanks for checking it out bud. I do like Abel Ferrara, he is a mixed bag but he’s definitely got something special. I don’t know if you’ve seen ‘R Xmas. That’s a weird one, it ends abruptly but I like it. And I stand by my theory of who Deep Throat was. That other guy is old, he doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about. (Actually, I don’t know if you read the whole column but it was about how I wished I could believe that Hunter S. Thompson theory but it didn’t work. Who did I say at the end, Rehnquist?) Anyway thanks again Keepcool.

  • July 10, 2005, 4:29 p.m. CST


    by Vern

    Friend, you’re in the wrong talkback, you gotta be more careful about that kind of stuff. Anyway I just wanted to point out, the money that people pay for fantastic four goes to some movie studio or something. You and me don’t get any of that money. So don’t start spending yet. What it is, you should care about the QUALITY of the movie, the money has no relevance to you at all. glad I could straighten this out now go to the correct talkback and be more careful in the future. thanks emerald.

  • July 10, 2005, 4:52 p.m. CST

    Dear Vern

    by Hamish

    You are still a genius. Thanks – and don’t ever change.

  • July 10, 2005, 5:08 p.m. CST

    Fuckin’ dumbass film elitists

    by Sicuv Uyall

    The movie looks funny. Old School was awesome. Go back to watching your DVD of 1941. Fuckhead.

  • July 10, 2005, 5:10 p.m. CST

    “Best mate”

    by Sicuv Uyall

    Vern is British. I see… I guess nothing compares to the old Monty Pythons or Fawlty Towers huh? Jesus

  • July 10, 2005, 6:45 p.m. CST

    Vern’s most controversial review

    by jollysleeve

    I find it pretty funny/disturbing that of all the things Vern has written, it turns out his review for a movie called “The Wedding Crashers” has proven to be the most controversial.

  • July 10, 2005, 7:15 p.m. CST

    AICN Time War

    by proper

    Thats a concept.This TB had it all from AZ.”From here on in, nothing goes down unless I’m involved. No blackjack no dope deals, no nothing. A nickel bag gets sold in the park, I want in. You guys got fat while everybody starved on the street. Now it’s my turn”Frank White 1992.You lot might like Deep Cover too.Jeff Goldblum is funny in that one.2007.

  • July 10, 2005, 8:50 p.m. CST

    Sicuv Youall

    by Vern

    Well jesus that was uncalled for. I didn’t like a movie that “looks funny” so I’m a fuckhead? I never even seen 1941 or Faulty Towers, and I’m not british and where the fuck did that come from anyway? Please, SEE WEDDING CRASHERS. You will fucking love it. In fact, see every movie that is now in theaters or on cable. Buy every product. They got a toothbrush now that has a pulse. They got cellphones that can control the weather. They got yogurt with a built in thermometer. I think it’s made by Pepsi. They got a razor that can give you stock reports and download commercials for other bathroom products. You can’t live without it. Live life to the fullest man, and see Wedding Crashers. your friend, Vern, who is american, despite whatever weird hallucination you had

  • July 11, 2005, 1:35 a.m. CST

    thanks grrrrrrrrrr

    by Vern

    I agree, it’s funny that THIS is the movie people are passionate enough to go to bat for, but I don’t feel like I’m taking a bashing. Pretty much any review on here gets people riled up, and I’m only encouraging it by responding belligerently to them. You reap what you sow. It’s one of those lessons I learned long ago and then forgot the next day. I gotta clarify though, my problem with this movie is not that it is so formulaic. My problem is that it’s so formulaic and then doesn’t do anything to improve on the formula or to execute the formula well. There were maybe one or two minor tweaks on the formula and I don’t even remember what they were. There were no big laughs for me. I just think it’s a lazy movie. Take a half-assed script and a mediocre director and hope that your cast can make silk panties out of a cow’s ass or whatever the saying is. As you know I’d be the first one to sing its praises if I thought it was a well made version of a formula. I sure didn’t expect this one to be Eternal Sunshine. But can I at least hope for Kingpin? Or Old School? Or, shit, even Meet the Parents for crying out loud? And no, people who like this movie are not a bunch of dumbass redneck fuckheads, except maybe that Amos guy but I doubt he works hard enough to be a redneck. And I’m not sure what you’re trying to imply about Die Hard but I think you just lost my goodwill there with that one. What’s next on the agenda, you gonna pee on my mother’s grave?

  • July 11, 2005, 1:45 a.m. CST

    What’s the big deal…?

    by twindaggerturkey

    Now, I’m probably going to see this movie (and like it, because I think Owen Wilson is damn cute) but there’s really no point in going after a guy for writing a negative review. As the Buddha says, this review is nothing. Your responses are also nothing. My responses to your responses are nothing. If you like the movie, buy the DVD.

  • July 11, 2005, 9:20 a.m. CST

    Christ, I bet Ebert doesn’t have to put up with shit!

    by JimboLo

  • July 11, 2005, 10:14 a.m. CST

    Vern, you should put out another book and just make it a collect

    by FatPaul

    Wedding Crashers could have its own chapter. Of course, wait until after you’re finished with the Seagal book. Seagalogy shouldn’t be delayed for anything.

  • July 11, 2005, 10:27 a.m. CST

    Owen Wilson

    by Neaera

    Looks like shit, can’t act for shit and henceforth should be banished from Hollywood and prevented from making further films. He just looks as if he’s reading lines of a page, and nothing that comes out of his mouth is genuine. He just cant do comedy. Or any sort of acting for that matter. I was freaking HAPPY when Ben Stiller screwed up that stupid wood thing his character made in meet the parents, I REFUSE to watch shanghai noon because he’s in it, even though I enjoy jackie chan films. In conclusion, watch garden state if you want a decent rom-com.

  • July 11, 2005, 2:45 p.m. CST

    to grrr and fat paul

    by Vern

    Grrrrr, not that it matters either way, but honestly Die Hard IS the rule book more than it follows the rule book. I mean that whole subgenre came out of Die Hard. Even the casting of Bruce Willis instead of a Stallone type was revolutionary in 1989. That’s not to say there aren’t things in it that had been done before, but it definitely put a new spin on those things. I think even Amos will agree that Wedding Crashers is no Die Hard. And Fat Paul, thanks for your continued support, that’s actually a good idea but yeah I gotta get rolling on Seagalogy. Thanks again bud. Stay Fat.

  • July 11, 2005, 5:13 p.m. CST

    Shotguns and Daiquiris

    by Garbageman33

    The movie may very well suck, but that Quail Shoot game on the Wedding Crashers website is addictive as hell. And here I thought I didn’t have anything to do at work this afternoon. I think I’ll try it tonight with real daiquiris. And real shotguns.

  • July 12, 2005, 3:43 p.m. CST

    Sky High will take me high

    by LordSoth

    It has Kurt Russel and Bruce Campbell as superhero educators?!

    How can that not be awesome!?

    What is wrong with you man?!

    This next sentence will end with a?!

  • July 13, 2005, 8:35 a.m. CST

    This is why I shouldn’t read these reviews

    by kidsidekick

    Read the review and got worried about not liking this movie. Maybe I was just getting the feeling like do we really need another Vaughn, Wilson, Stiller, Ferrel play-doh machine movie.

    Got free tickets for an advance screening last night, I have not had an experience like that before where I’m tearing up from laughing so much. The shit that happens to Vaughn in the movie is gut busting. When the younger brother comes in on him in the middle of the night, I thought I had lost it.

  • July 13, 2005, 6:54 p.m. CST

    Glad to see that producers recognize true talent like McAdams ov

    by Mr. Profit

    In a few more years it’ll be Lindsay who? McAdams was the best thing about Mean Girls. She was supposed to be the biggest bitch, and while she was, she was so fucking hot that you fucking forgave her. Then she followed it up with last years sleeper hit The Notebook. Good for her. Fuck that media whore hack who is only a smidge better than her “rival” Duff acting wise. McAdams is going places. Even if the 1st Red Eye trailer looked weak. The 2nd one looked waaay better.

  • July 14, 2005, 1:23 a.m. CST


    by Vern

    Didn’t know about Bruce Campbell in that one, bud. You may be right, I will consider taking it back. Maybe.

  • Dec. 27, 2006, 12:17 a.m. CST

    This movie sucked shit

    by webslinger48

    big time

  • Dec. 13, 2007, 12:24 a.m. CST

    So, Sin Amos…

    by The Garbage Man

    It’s been more than two years. You still in love with “The Wedding Crashers” or is the honeymoon long since over?

This entry was posted on Friday, July 8th, 2005 at 5:23 am and is filed under AICN, Comedy/Laffs, Reviews, Romance. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

31 Responses to “Vern says, ‘F–k WEDDING CRASHERS!’ Do you think he liked it’”

  1. Saw the bit in this where they talk about The Code recently. Terrible film; and now 10 years old! Vaughn and Wilson seemed a little long in the tooth for this crap back then even. The scene with Farrell was true to that, anyway. Here’s hoping they all make excellent Lifetime movies soon.

  2. Came here to see if Vern had anything to say about Rachel Getting Married, stayed to find out what else besides The Mummy is inexplicably hated around here. Not to defend Wedding Crashers; I just wanted to say that Sky High is a pretty good movie and it handily beat the MCU to the punch by several years. AND they thought to have Dave Foley and Kevin McDonald in their movie. Let’s give credit where credit’s due. They’ve figured out their superhero shit way better than most of DC.

  3. I’m surprised this review still exists, I thought the movie disappeared the moment THE HANGOVER came out. I feel like it’s even less likely I would like WEDDING CRASHERS on a return visit than I would THE MUMMY, but this definitely seems like a review where I was reacting to other people’s reaction to the movie, which is hopefully something I have moved beyond in the ensuing decade and a half.

  4. I still haven’t seen this one, although I bought the DVD 15-ish years ago or whenever it came out. In all fairness, I bought it as part of a “5 DVDs for 20€” bundle and was one DVD short, so I bought that one because it was one of those supposedly super funny comedies at that time, but every time I stumbled across it on TV for a minute or two, I tended to agree with Vern.

  5. And I still hope that you find one day a reason to review SKY HIGH.

  6. A couple of rascals is what they are, going to these weddings they weren’t invited to and finding sex partners. I mean you simply won’t believe it! But let me pose you this one question: what if these sneaky fellas happened to fall in love… for real? Then what?

  7. This is the one movie I saw at my (first) University’s campus theatre. I didn’t enjoy it much but I thought it wasn’t entirely fair to judge it given the sound in the theatre was incredibly poor (hence I never went again). A few years later I saw it on DVD, and again it wasn’t ideal circumstances (in a room with about ten other people after a night out), but it was enough to make me realise that I just plain don’t like it. I was a fan of that (ugh!) “Frat Pack” wave of stuff at the time, more so than I ever was with the Apatowverse.

    I liked the MUMMY films at the time, but I don’t think there’s much reason to watch them in 2021 when you’ve got the entire history of adventure films at your disposal.

  8. In an earlier thread where I complained about my loss of enthusiasm for many movies, I contrasted this with the fact that there was a period in the late 90s – mid-aughts where I would watch anything. This thread calls to mind some examples that will back that up: I saw WEDDING CRASHERS, MUMMY, and the truly abysmal MUMMY RETURNS all at the theatre.

    I don’t know that I’d go so far as to defend any of these films, but I did enjoy WEDDING CRASHERS a lot, because, heaven help me, I did find the leads pretty charming. And I like Rachel MacAdams. Plus, douche Bradley Cooper!

    MUMMY had some iffy CGI and certainly was not scary, but I was mildly charmed by the INDIANA JONES ish ness of it.

    Back then I was here for a diversion and loved to get out to the theaters. I think some combination of parenthood and internet brain rot and the changing theatrical market and culture (the Marvel-ification and Netflix-ification of cinema) have really transformed things for me. At this point, there is little that makes me want to get out to the theatre, and honestly not a lot I want to rent either. Very different environment and personal appetite from when I first started commenting in the AICN days. At this point, I tend to enjoy commenting on movies and other things on this site more than watching most of them. Weird, I know.

    BTW, they keep threatening to do a WEDDING CRASHERS 2, so, look out world. Can it be worse than ZOOLANDER 2?

  9. Skani- If I’m not quite in the same boat, I’m definitely at the harbour looking at that sea with admiration. There was a large chunk of my life when I would see anything that caused some kind of a rucus, even if I was pretty sure I wouldn’t like it, because I wanted to have an opinion on it. In the last three years or so there have been several highly acclaimed film’s I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t like all that much which I have happily skipped; could I be missing out on films I would actually love? Absolutely. But when I’m the kind of guy who won’t be put off by a film being made in Pottsylvania in 1919 if he’s into the concept, and stuff like that is easier than ever to see, why should I go out of my way* to say “Yeah, THE SUICIDE SQUAD, is definitely James Gunn doing the James Gunn thing, which I’m really over now and was never all that into honestly, which I could pretty much tell from the trailers, reviews and everything everybody said about the film, but I guess it’s OK, 6/10” . I wouldn’t turn it down if I was invited, as per every bloody Marvel film so far, but otherwise no. There are films I plan on giving a try which I’m as likely to have as love (PIG and THE GREEN KNIGHT come to mind), but that’s not quite the same thing. Having an open mind is great, but at some point in all that open mind film watching you’re going to develop a pretty good sixth sense for whether you’re going to get something worthwhile out of a movie or not. Anyways I’m not 100% secure in this position yet, but I’m working towards it, I think.

    *I should note HBO MAX has not hit the UK yet, so it really would be going out of my way rather than trying something for 5 mind on an app I already have.

  10. Oh man. I just got yelled at for expressing this sentiment in the PIG review, so I’m playing with fire here. But. THE GREEN KNIGHT. No movie symbolizes the ever widening schism between me and the celebrated filmatism of the day. Because that trailer seems right up my alley. A psychedelic freakout medieval nightmare horror action thriller? Sign me up, right? Except there is like a 999.9% chance that all those amazing images in the trailer will be surrounded by acres and acres of droning tedium. These A24 style slogs are the equivalent of freshman poetry: saying nothing new but saying it with maximum self-impressedness. They have a certain precocious command for aspects of craft but arrogance prevents them from making the hard choices that would mold these moments of inspiration into a compelling whole.

    The problem is that I’d be into THE GREEN KNIGHT if it was an actual psychedelic movie. Meaning an acid movie. But it won’t be. It’ll be a heroin movie. It won’t be trying to blow out your synapses with sensory overload. It’ll just be a wash of atmospheric mush with no peaks and valleys. Just something to drift off to. It’s not head music; it’s mood music.

    Critics love to complain about style over substance, but when it comes down to it, style is everything. Who gives a damn what a movie is saying if it says it in a way that irritates the shit out of you? What frustrates me about so many recent acclaimed movies is that I am down with their WHAT but their HOWs can go fuck themselves.

  11. Good to know I’m not entirely alone on some of this. It’s possible I’m just depressed, but there are other indicators that I’m not (I still work, exercise, have enthusiam and energy enough to argue with you all). Still, I honestly can’t figure out which, if any, of the personal or cultural factors I’ve identified, is the main driver. That’s one of the bitches of getting older is that it’s difficult to separate cultural change from general aging and curmudgeonliness (“Those damn Beatles with their long hair!”).

    Majestyk, I generally agree with you on a descriptive level but I don’t have the same distaste. It seems like your issue is wanting faster pacing and more intensity — and more more manic, gonzo energy, gore, flair, and action. I think it boils down to horror-action vs. horror-drama. There is a horror drama sub-genre (aka A24 aka slow-burn), and that’s not your bag. Eh?

    That said, I feel like o.g. Carpenter HALLOWEEN would serve as a fore-runner to slow-burn horror. Sure, it’s less pretentious, but it’s slow-paced, takes quite awhile to really get going, is kind of enamored of its own filmatism, and it’s essentially blood-less and kind of ambiguous. The only elements with anything approaching color or manic energy are the P.J. Soles and Donald Pleasance performances.

  12. “The only elements with anything approaching color or manic energy are the P.J. Soles and Donald Pleasance performances.”

    And that’s two more chords than any of these A24 movies are willing to play. I got no beef with slow, dreamy filmmaking. What I got a beef with are one-note movies that just pound on that one key for the whole movie. In any medium, I prefer dynamic art to static art. Art that moves from one mood to another, that rises and ebbs, that sprint and crashes. These A24 movies can work up a good vibe but then they run it into the ground after 20 minutes. They got nothing else in the toolkit and it’s monotonous.

  13. This activates the “let’s argue about MIDSOMMAR” script, but I’ll spare you and everyone else the umpteenth rehash of that. I would just invite any interested reader to watch that film. Fine to not like it, but I think the simple facts of the case will show that my client, MIDSOMMAR, has narrative twists, visual weirdness and beauty, suspense, gallows humor, and some intensely upseting and shocking moments.

  14. I understand what A24 has become shorthand for, but whenever people use their name as a slur (not just Majestyk in this case – it’s a common occurrence) I wonder which specific movies they have in mind. THE WITCH is a good example of that slow burn, low pay off approach to horror, but it seems like people don’t really complain about that one as much anymore, do they? The other two everyone knows are HEREDITARY and MIDSOMMAR, neither of which fit the boring-humorless-nothing-happens description. What are the other ones?

    I think the thing about A24 is that they’re really good at marketing, and they have a distinct design style, which allows their movies to be identified and then backlashed against. I also think it’s undeniable that they’re good at picking ’em. For a company that has existed for less than a decade to have produced/released SPRING BREAKERS, LOCKE, UNDER THE SKIN, EX MACHINA, GREEN ROOM, THE LOBSTER, MOONLIGHT, THE FLORIDA PROJECT, LADY BIRD, THE LAST MOVIE STAR, FIRST REFORMED, EIGHTH GRADE, CLIMAX, THE FAREWELL, UNCUT GEMS, MINARI and a whole bunch of other movies that some people really love is quite a feat. The only company I can think of that is comparable in going for a certain type of cool director-driven indies is Annapurna, but they’ve had fewer releases.

    But I guess I can’t be against using A24 as a shorthand for a specific type of horror movie, since I know what’s meant when people say it. It’s just kind of weird because the company mostly does a different type of movie that also has a backlash against it, that I think is a sort of reflexive anti-hipster sentiment that’s more about the type of people they imagine the movie is being marketed to or enjoyed by than the movies themselves.

  15. I’m just using it as shorthand for “slow atmospheric horror more interested in mood than thrills” because the term “elevated horror” makes me want to stab myself in the neck. There are a few movies made by A24 that I like, but that’s because not all the movies A24 makes are A24 movies. To me, an A24 movie can be made by anybody. EMPTY MAN is an A24 movie. IT FOLLOWS is an A24 movie. SUSPIREMAKE is an A24 movie. GRETEL & HANSEL is an A24 movie.

    And yes, to me, HEREDITARY and THE VVITCH are the poster children for A24 movies. It’s mere coinicdence that they happen to actually be A24 movies.

  16. The worst (real) A24 movie that I have seen so far was IT COMES AT NIGHT, which was 90 minutes of nothing happening outside of a few quick nightmare scenes and dramatic shots of doors in the dark, until it turned into the usual “People like you and me turn onto each other in extreme situations, because the humans were the real monsters all along” bullshit.

  17. Yeah, when I saw the cover of that movie, all I could think was:


    NARRATOR: It doesn’t.

  18. I appreciate and have no problem with any of that, but I am physically incapable of not pointing out once again that HEREDITARY has (SPOILERS) a shocking child decapitation (and shot of the head covered in ants), Gabriel Byrne set on fire, an Academy Award nominee giving a Cage-worthy performance that culminates in sawing her own head off on the ceiling in front of her kid, a bunch of great dark humor, etc. There are many ’80s horror movies considered acceptable and cool that have way fewer thrills. So I will never understand that reputation, no matter how many times we go over it.

  19. Vern: Sure, but as I said earlier, my problem with these movies is not with their WHAT but with their HOW. By your argument, I could list off the events of THE MUMMY RETURNS (family of old timey pulp adventurers seeks ancient tomb! Pigmy zombies! A dirigible chase through ancient canyons!) and it might sound like some shit you’d be into. But Stephen Sommers’ style makes that impossible for you. That’s the same with these A24 movies. They concern events which, in a vacuum, would entertain me, but the style in which those events are conveyed renders them unpalatable to my tastes. That’s why I extra hate these movies. There are plenty of kinds of movies that I can ignore altogether, but these movies are ABOUT things that interest me, but they’re about them in ways that make them impossible to enjoy.

  20. By the way, speaking of Rachel Getting Married… admittedly, I don’t have much personal experience with this, but it seems like the narrative goes fairly quickly from people walking on eggshells around Kim to snapping at her for being an addict (thinking of the lilac scene here). I realize it’s like an hour-forty movie, it’s already a slow-burner, things have to happen sometime, and they’ve been through this before with her, they’re all sick of her shit… Still, it seemed to me that if I were dealing with someone who’d just gotten out of rehab, I could hold it together a bit longer than they do.

  21. Or then there’s shakycam, which is a style that everyone on earth can agree sucks. The fault with shakycam movies is not in their content but in the manner in which that content is presented. You might be able to get over it sometimes, but in your heart you know this style is holding the movie back for you. I see no difference between this and my disdain for the A24 style.

  22. I just don’t see how it fits “slow atmospheric horror more interested in mood than thrills.” That to me describes THE WITCH but not HEREDITARY, which is very interested in thrills along with the great mood and atmosphere.

  23. I don’t know what to tell you. I did not find it thrilling. There was some tension leading up to the decapitation (a legitimately good moment) but then the combination of Toni Collette’s hysterics and the uneventfulness of the rest of the story just pissed it away. I was completely disengaged by the time anything started happening again so the last-minute pyrotechnics did little to sway my opinion.

    I’ll give you that the little girl’s funeral was hilarious. And I’ll even buy that it was on purpose.

  24. Okay, I will concede that HEREDITARY is the most interested in thrills of all these movies. I still didn’t like it but it’s not trying to JUST be a mood piece.

  25. Thank you. This is the greatest progress I’ve made in the Aster Wars since (apologies, I forget who it was) saw MIDSOMMAR and decided I was right that HEREDITARY has a sense of humor.

  26. Talk of IT COMES AT NIGHT being boring makes me think of the Prime original movie THE VAST OF NIGHT. Did anyone watch that? I couldn’t get past like 20 minutes. It took way too long to get to anything. I think I gave it 20 minutes, but it felt like an hour. I guess it could’ve been less than 20. It was just following a guy around a high school gymnasium with everyone talking over everyone saying dumb shit about people we don’t know and don’t care about yet – like about setting up the sound system and looking for someone or something. Some directors are adept enough to make this kind of establishing of a location and people interesting. This movie was not that. It looked bad and the audio was bad and I turned it off. I was just curious if anyone lasted longer than me and if it improved.

  27. Yes, Maggie, there was some buzz about that film, but I couldn’t get into it. It’s possible if I’d have suck it out to the hour mark, maybe it would’ve heated up, but I never got there. This is one of the big things w/ the Neflixification of cinema — watching something casually at home just dramatically reduces the barriers to disengaging, as opposed to leaving the house and plunking down $5-20, where the gravity is much stronger as far as staying in your seat and riding it out. I know there are people who will walk out of a theatre if they get bored, but I think the threshold for that has to be higher than the threshold for pausing something or setting down a tablet and then just getting off onto something else or going to bed and then not getting back around to finishing it. I feel like I start and don’t finish as many movies as I finish these days, which wasn’t always the case.

  28. If you can stay awake through The Vast of Night, there’s two (or three?) pretty amazing long-take shots that are truly impressive. But I will also admit it took me countless watches to make it to them, and I honestly don’t even remember what happens at the end.

    And yes Skani, I too, have never had so many not-finished movies in my life. Mainly because my new worst habit brought on by the pandemic is watching movies specifically to go to sleep. And by movies I mean real, “good” movies, that I should be staying awake for – Barry Lyndon, Picnic at Hanging Rock, anything Hitchcock, anything Studio Ghibli, Black Narcissus, Beyond the Black Rainbow – I hear these movies are great and the first 5-10 minutes usually are pretty great. But they lull me to sleep harder than any sleeping pill, probably because they’re interesting enough that I don’t get bored enough to start surfing the web on my phone.

    Re: “A24” movies, i also totally use that phrase as shorthand for movies that aren’t even A24 and don’t see much wrong with that. Because for me, it’s kind of a compliment since I like most of the real A24 slow-burn horror movies (I even thought It Comes at Night was pretty good), and I’m sure I’ve called multiple dumb 80s action movies “Cannon movies” that really weren’t. Hell, I’m sure I’ve referred to some Don Bluth 80s movie as a “Disney movie” too, so who cares. Btw, the absolute worst real A24 movie has to be False Positive, which is borderline unwatchable. It’s everything everyone hates about slow-burn, low-thrills, art-house horror, with nothing going for it except the promise of “wait these famous people must be in this movie for a good reason, right?” and you’re hoping there’s some kind of plot hook or reason for being, when it’s basically the same “is she or isn’t she a reliable narrator?” bullshit we all got sick of 10 years ago.

  29. The pandemic has given me the bad habit of wanting to put something on while I do something else. I HATE it when people play with their phone while we’re watching a movie and yet I’m ashamed to admit I’ve become that person. But, I always put on something I’ve either seen already or don’t care about too much. And it’s usually something other than playing on my phone (although I do that sometimes) like working on a puzzle or a coloring book or sodoku. But the bummer is more and more I’ve found myself gravitating to stuff I don’t really care that much about instead of actual quality stuff.

  30. So wait a sec, people don’t like the opening to THE VAST OF NIGHT now? That opening is fantastic. If the whole movie had been at that level, we’d be talking film of the year. The camera is beautifully choreographed, and there’s a nonstop barrage of great dialogue. (An example at random: “I don’t know what you just said, but you sound like a mouse being eaten by a possum.” You can expect a line like that, oh, every 30 seconds or so.)

    Then eventually the plot kicks in, and the plot is hardly there.

    I’m not sure how to describe this movie. Try this. Say you’ve got an audio play written for some kind of scifi anthology show. It’s full of terrific, juicy patter, but the science fiction trappings seem kind of an afterthought — like the writer is is cannibalising bits of an older script for some freeform drama. And then you give this audio play to a director who makes a movie out of it instead. And he’s a very inventive guy, with a great sense of visual geography, who nonetheless keeps this audio script pretty much as written, without the major structural changes you might expect when adapting for the screen.

    This is not remotely, I should stress, how the movie was made. But that’s what it feels like.

    It’s still very worth seeing. It doesn’t all work, but what does work is gold. I hope somebody’s giving Andrew Patterson money for whatever he wants to do next — it’ll be enjoyable, at a minimum, and he might turn out to be a major talent.

    Oh, the actors are great too. Jake Horowitz and Sierra McCormick. I’ve never seen them in anything else. I guess Horowitz is in the remake of CASTLE FREAK — was that any good?

  31. Castle Freak has the clumsiest, worst shot post credit scene to tie it into whatever shot on digital video Re-Animator remake they will inevitably make. Thumbs up!

    I recently watched The Empty Man and I thought it was excellent. It’s long but I thought it was very engaging the entire time. I liked it better than any A24 movie I’ve ever seen.

    I liked the three Fear Street movies on Netflix because they were fun, pulpy films full of color, music and teenagers that aren’t fucking stupid.

    I hate Ari Aste films.

    Also I grew up a middle class white kid so of coarse I think Wedding Crashers is funny as shit.

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