"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

Play Dirty

Man, this new straight-to-Amazon-Prime movie PLAY DIRTY is some kind of monkey’s paw shit for me. It’s the great Shane Black (THE NICE GUYS) writing and directing for the first time in seven years, returning to crime movies for the first time in nine years, and it’s based on my favorite crime series ever, Richard Stark’s Parker books. The catch is that most of what I want from a Shane Black movie (such as the quippy dialogue) I definitely do not want in a Parker adaptation, and they originally had Robert Downey, Jr. cast in the role, which seemed like a problem. Could he really seem intimidating enough to be Parker, and more importantly would he even know how to shut the fuck up with his little smart ass comments? I didn’t think he would.

But I wish I could’ve found out, because Downey got replaced with Mark Wahlberg (PLANET OF THE APES), also a poor fit but in a less intriguing way. Downey is a totally different type than the character, while Wahlberg sorta aspires to being the right type, he just doesn’t have enough of it. I know people dislike him now due to past crimes, dumbass interviews and lowered quality standards, but I’m too old to entirely let go – I haven’t forgotten that exciting alchemy of the most uncool pop rapper of the ‘90s winning us over with a great performance in BOOGIE NIGHTS, nor have I forsaken THE BIG HIT, THREE KINGS, I HEART HUCKABEES, THE DEPARTED, THE OTHER GUYS, THE FIGHTER, etc. So it’s not Marky Markophobia when I say he doesn’t seem believably cunning enough, or intimidating enough. The other characters have to treat him as if he is, but I don’t quite buy it. I don’t feel it. I don’t feel the vibrations. (read the rest of this shit…)

October 2nd, 2025 | 57 Comments »

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters vs. Gretel & Hansel

My recent revisit of THE BROTHERS GRIMM (2005) pushed me to finally get around to seeing HANSEL & GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS (2013). I had wondered whether they were kind of in the same genre and yeah, turns out they’re more similar than I even guessed. Just like Gilliam’s movie this one starts out with a fairy tale inspired childhood flashback, then tells the story of a pair of traveling supernatural expert siblings hired to help a small town where the children have gone missing. Both movies even have Peter Stormare (GET THE GRINGO) as a cartoonish bad guy (this time he’s the sheriff who gets a chunk of his nose bit off by Gretel).

The major distinction is that they’re not con artists or skeptics – as the title suggests, Hansel (Jeremy Renner immediately following a run of THE TOWN, GHOST PROTOCOL, THE AVENGERS and THE BOURNE LEGACY) and Gretel (Gemma Arterton, CLASH OF THE TITANS) grew up to become witch hunters, and this being a twenty-teens studio movie that means they wear cool leather outfits, have fancy steam punk shotguns and crossbows, do lots of slo-mo spins and flips and what not. Yes, that kind of sounds like a parody movie-within-a-movie meant to satirize Hollywood excess (like something from LAST ACTION HERO, or the Max Landis action version of Huckleberry Finn from the pilot of Jean-Claude Van Johnson). Fortunately writer/director Tommy Wirkola (DEAD SNOW, VIOLENT NIGHT) takes the ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER route of keeping a straight face and trying to make it cool instead of giving in to the temptation to prove to the audience that he’s in on the joke. I was worried for a second because there’s a joke at the beginning about drawings of missing children on milk bottles, but that was a one time occurrence. (read the rest of this shit…)

October 1st, 2025 | 7 Comments »

Jackie Brown

There are a bunch of fun movies based on Elmore Leonard books – I always like seeing what bits of his style can translate properly – but there are two absolutely great ones that are among my very favorite movies. One is Steven Soderbergh’s OUT OF SIGHT, which I got up the courage to write about for its 20th anniversary in 2018, and I bet you could guess what the other one is. Quentin Tarantino’s JACKIE BROWN has been at the top of my not reviewed list* for I don’t know how many years. It’s intimidating, you know, to try to write something worthy of a movie this good that I’ve put off for that long. But recently I took a vacation to L.A. and I was able to see a midnight show of JACKIE BROWN at the New Beverly (the historic theater owned by Tarantino since 2007), so it’s time to finally do this.

Rarely has there been a more synergistic match of adapted and adapter. The small time criminals who love to talk about other stuff, the funny loser made more dangerous by his stupidity, the protagonists who aren’t following the law either but who are our guys, the very specific regional details – all these things make perfect sense for both a Leonard book and a Tarantino movie. So this becomes both an extra-Leonardy Tarantino and a Tarantino-fied Leonard. An unstoppable combination. (read the rest of this shit…)

September 29th, 2025 | 25 Comments »

Tornado

TORNADO (2025) is not a disaster movie, and the title isn’t even (primarily) a metaphor. It’s the name of its protagonist, played by Japanese singer and actress Kōki, (yes, according to the credits there is a comma in her name). It’s set in Scotland in 1790, and she’s the disaffected daughter/assistant to Fujin (Takehiro Hira, HARA-KIRI: DEATH OF A SAMURAI, SNAKE EYES), an ex-samurai turned traveling marionette performer.

We’ll find that out later in flashbacks. But for a while we just see her in a wind storm (not tornado), running from a mob of scary thugs led by Sugarman (Tim Roth, THE MUSKETEER), slipping into a mansion and hiding as the goons storm in, pushing the occupants out of the way to search for what they say is a girl about this high and a boy about this high. We don’t have to know who she is or what they want from her to know fuck these guys, and to be thrilled by the well-executed cat-and-mouse sequences involving rotting floorboards.

It was the samurai aspect that got me to rent this on VOD, but it largely feels like a western, and it has a slow burn revenge angle to it. Don’t worry, it’s a 91 minute slow burn, not a torturous one, and it has a real strong mood and atmosphere that made it captivating to me. Director John Maclean (SLOW WEST), cinematographer Robbie Ryan (THE FAVOURITE, MARRIAGE STORY) and production designer Elizabeth El-Kadhi (ONE SHOT) have somehow concocted endlessly pleasing imagery within a grey and barren landscape. And it has a really effective score of menacing percussion, folksy strings and eerie organ by the Australian musician Jed Kurzel, who scored all the movies directed by his brother Justin (THE ORDER) as well as THE BABADOOK, ALIEN: COVENANT, THE NIGHTINGALE, OVERLORD, THE POPE’S EXORCIST and MONKEY MAN. But I wouldn’t underestimate the power of all the quiet scenes where you can hear the wind, so shout out to sound designer Alexej Mungersdorff. (read the rest of this shit…)

September 25th, 2025 | 3 Comments »

Baby Assassins 3

You know how much I love those Baby Assassins, the young women in the movie series from writer/director Yugo Sakamoto. Chisato (Akari Takaishi) is an energetic, giggly anime girl come to life, Mahiro (Saori Izawa) is her dour bleach blond best friend, they were raised to murder for money, a job they’re very good at, but that they try to just get over with so they can pursue their passions such as enjoying desserts and making soup and going to restaurants.

In BABY ASSASSINS (2021) they had graduated high school so their organization made them find an apartment and day jobs. In BABY ASSASSINS 2 (2023) they had to get out of an enormous debt because they forgot they signed up for an elite assassin gym membership and ignored all the bills. There’s plenty of absurd humor about the bureaucratic operations of this underworld, but the main attraction is obviously the excellent fights, action directed by Kensuke Sonomura (MANHUNT, HYDRA, BAD CITY). Izawa is a veteran stunt pro (doubling the lead of the RUROUNI KENSHIN movies) while Takaishi is an actress, but they both acquit themselves well in long, brutal battles. I like how in this little scene where they play fight on the beach Izawa can’t help but go into a serious fight stance and reveal the muscles she usually keeps hidden under baggy clothes.


(read the rest of this shit…)

September 24th, 2025 | 10 Comments »

Off Limits

OFF LIMITS is a couple different genres – serial killer thriller, buddy-cop action, Vietnam War movie. It centers on two military police detectives, Sergeants First Class Buck McGriff (Willem Dafoe between PLATOON and THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST) and Albaby Perkins (Gregory Hines between RUNNING SCARED and TAP).

It’s directed by Christopher Crowe, who was the writer of NIGHTMARES, THE LAST OF THE MOHICANS and FEAR, but his only other theatrical directing gig was WHISPERS IN THE DARK. He also created a bunch of TV shows (including B.L. Stryker, B.J. and the Bear and The Watcher hosted by Sir Mix-a-Lot) and (no shit) designed the logo for Cheap Trick. I would’ve guessed it was made by more of a cinema veteran because, though I only think it’s pretty good, it has the muscular cinematistic confidence and atmosphere of A Real Fucking Movie. I mean, let me give you a few screengrabs I made to give you an idea of the fuckin vibes (TFV) in this thing:

(read the rest of this shit…)

September 23rd, 2025 | 21 Comments »

Drop

After catching up with LOCKED I thought what the hell, I should also see that other recent high concept thriller I kinda meant to see. DROP is the one that Christopher Landon (HAPPY DEATH DAY, FREAKY) went and directed after leaving SCREAM 7 because he didn’t have a movie anymore after the producers (Spyglass Entertainment) fired the star for posting about the genocide in Gaza. (Specifically because she was against it.) I’m not sure what Landon thought about that but he went and worked with the… hopefully at least less evil production company power couple of Blumhouse and Platinum Dunes.

Landon usually writes his movies, but this one is by Jillian Jacobs & Chris Roach (TRUTH OR DARE, FANTASY ISLAND). It feels a little different from his other stuff, being about people in their thirties, but I think you can still feel his sensibilities in it. (read the rest of this shit…)

September 18th, 2025 | 12 Comments »

Locked

Remember the 2013 movie LOCKE starring Tom Hardy? It’s not a thriller, it’s a drama, but the gimmick is that the whole thing is Hardy driving to a hospital and making phone calls trying to straighten out a huge mess he’s made for himself and others. In my review I joked about it being the start of a franchise, but I assumed they’d have titles like LOCKE: OVERDRIVE and be about Locke making other phone calls on other drives. I didn’t know they’d just add an extra letter to the title and have a different chameleonic actor playing a different character alone in a car talking on the phone for a different reason.

Okay yeah maybe technically and legally speaking LOCKED is not a sequel to LOCKE, it’s just the Sam-Raimi-produced American remake of the 2019 Argentine movie 4×4*. It stars Pennywise/The Crow/the boy who killed the world/younger brother of Tarzan/the Northman himself Mr. Bill Skarsgård, looking like Pete Davidson with his bleached hair, tattoos, pink pullover hoodie under a jacket and vape pen. I think he filmed this right after NOSFERATU, so I bet being locked in a car didn’t seem that bad compared to doing six hours of makeup in the morning and Mongolian throat singing between takes. It probly felt like a vacation. I wonder if transitioning out of his Orlok era is also the reason his accent is less consistent here than usual. Early on I wondered if he was not playing American this time, but he settles in after a bit.

Anyway he plays Eddie Barrish, a real fuckup. Eddie’s baby mama (Gabrielle Walsh, PARANORMAL ACTIVITY: THE MARKED ONES) is on his ass about failing to pick up his daughter Sarah (Ashley Cartwright, A GODWINK CHRISTMAS: MIRACLE OF LOVE) but he’s helpless because he can’t get his van back from the garage because he doesn’t have the money he owes and he can’t get the money because he can’t make deliveries without the van. Not that he’s averse to dishonest work. When, in desperation, he steals a wallet and starts trying the door handles on parked cars it sure doesn’t seem like a first for him. But he’s nice enough to share his bottle of water with a dog locked in one of the cars – a “save the cat” moment that’s also foreshadowing. (read the rest of this shit…)

September 17th, 2025 | 3 Comments »

Honey Don’t!

HONEY DON’T! is Margaret Qualley lesbian crime comedy #2 from Ethan Coen and his wife/editor Tricia Cooke. When the first one, DRIVE-AWAY DOLLS came out last year we learned that 1) though only Coen is credited as director he considers it a directing team 2) don’t worry, she’s a lesbian (they have an unusual marriage) 3) they can make a really funny movie even if it’s not as slick as FARGO and shit.

It took me a couple weeks to get to this one, and the reviews I saw were dire, but I figured I’d still get some laughs from it. Instead I came out honestly confused what those people were talking about. It’s not just not as bad as they say, it’s straight up a good movie. To my surprise it’s more serious than the last one, still funny and absurd but an actual neo-noir/pulp/crime type deal, like a detective novel my cool building manager two apartments ago would’ve left in the free book box in the laundry room. It has fewer big laughs than DOLLS, but by design, and I think it’s much better directed – nicer looking, more seamless in its storytelling, more interesting balance of tone. I’d have to guess that what people are rejecting is not some messiness or failure but just the shaggy quality of this style of crime story where a bunch of stuff happens by accident or coincidence and nobody fully figures out what’s going on or achieves what they’re trying to (which is, of course, part of its world view and one of the main things that’s fun about it). (read the rest of this shit…)

September 16th, 2025 | 7 Comments »

The Constant Gardener (and Summer 2005 conclusion)

On August 29, 2005, Hurricane Katrina struck the greater New Orleans area.

On August 30th Kanye West released Late Registration, three days ahead of saying “George Bush doesn’t care about Black people” on a live Katrina telethon.

On August 31st THE CONSTANT GARDENER came out.

SUMMER 2005I had not seen this one before. It’s not quite my type of movie, but it’s a good one. The stylish Brazilian crime saga CITY OF GOD (released in the U.S. in 2003) had been a sensation and its producer, Walter Salles, came to Hollywood to make DARK WATER. Meanwhile its co-director Fernando Meirelles was making this British movie set and filmed partly in Kenya. Based on a then-recent (2001) novel by John le Carré (TINKER TAILOR SOLDIER SPY), adapted by Jeffrey Caine (GOLDENEYE), THE CONSTANT GARDENER is not exactly a spy movie, but a drama involving a murder mystery, a conspiracy, and international intrigue.

The first thing I noticed is that it’s kind of arty. Meirelles, cinematographer César Charlone (also following up CITY OF GOD) and editor Claire Simpson (C.H.U.D., PLATOON, BLACK BEAUTY) immediately create an aggressive style, following a brief opening at an airport with a puzzling collection of beautiful images of the aftermath of a car accident, shot from deliberately disorienting perspectives and angles, and intercut with hypnotic shots of a flock of birds.

(read the rest of this shit…)

September 15th, 2025 | 9 Comments »

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