13 ASSASSINS is a pretty straightforward and thoroughly badass samurai picture from director Takashi Miike. I know that guy’s known for making 2 or 3 crazy fucked up movies a year. I think the only one I’ve seen before is AUDITION, which I thought was a pretty good romantic comedy but not quite up to the hype as the most fucked in the head movie you ever saw. Pretty well done though. Anyway, this is different.
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Posts Tagged ‘samurai’
13 Assassins
Saturday, July 16th, 2011
Yojimbo, Fistful of Dollars and Last Man Standing
Thursday, August 9th, 2007YOJIMBO
and
FISTFUL OF DOLLARS
and – why the hell not -
LAST MAN STANDING
I’ve been doing alot of themed movie-watching lately and I don’t want that to grow stale, so I decided to mix things up a little. Three movies starring my favorite badasses, but from different years and different countries. Just a real variety of material here. YOJIMBO is about this bad motherfucker who wanders into a small town torn apart by two warring gangs, and he goes back and forth working for them, plays them against each other, rescues a woman from them then gets beaten up real bad but escapes and hides out and then tricks them some more and also I forgot to mention there’s alot of good jokes about the town coffin maker getting business from his activities. FISTFUL OF DOLLARS, on the other hand, is about this bad motherfucker who wa– hey, wait a minute!
Nah, I’m just fucking with you. Actually I thought it would be a good experiment to watch YOJIMBO and its two remakes all in the same day. See what happens. This is kind of a miracle of badass cinema we have right here. Three of the greatest badass icons – Toshiro Mifune, Clint Eastwood and Bruce Willis – all starring in the same story. Plus you got the directors: Akira Kurosawa, Sergio Leone, and Walter Hill ain’t in their league but he’s no slouch either.
You know, I’ve seen YOJIMBO before and I liked it, but it wasn’t until watching it this time that I really realized what was right in front of my nose: this is WITHOUT A DOUBT ONE OF THE MOST BADASS MOVIES OF ALL TIME (or WADOOTMBMOAT). And definitely one of the most badass characters. I mean I always think of Clint Eastwood as the very top of the badass totem pole, but you gotta take into account that the role that started that persona was based on Mifune in this movie. So he’s the grandaddy of it all. (more…)
Blind Fury
Thursday, July 12th, 2007Well they got spaghetti western versions of the samurai movies, they got American versions of Japanese horror movies, they got a black version of THE ODD COUPLE. So if it’s 1989 and you’re Australian director Philip Noyce (THE QUIET AMERICAN, RABBIT-PROOF FENCE), why not do a white version of ZATOICHI with Rutger Hauer as a soldier blinded and left for dead in Vietnam, nursed and trained in swordsmanship and now wandering the sides of American highways ready to unleash his sword-cane if it comes to it?
That Vietnam origin story, by the way, is all taken care of during the opening credits, which is admirable. No time wasted.
White Zatoichi goes to reveal his “alive” status to a war buddy played by “Terrance O’Quinn,” who people now call “so-and-so from LOST” but he is actually THE STEPFATHER. Before the swordsman gets there, O’Quinn gets kidnapped by the mafia and forced to use his chemistry skills to formulate a sea blue “designer drug.” The wife (creepy-eyed Meg Foster from THEY LIVE) gets shot right in front of White Zatoichi’s ears so he takes their son on the road to try to reunite him with his father.
This is a weird and enjoyable movie, but you know you’re in some trouble as soon as you realize this kid is gonna be in the whole movie. You can’t blame the poor kid, but he is not exactly a great screen presence. The movie was made in 1989 and he’s the usual type of spunky blond brat who starred in children’s TV at that time. Then every once in a while he gets emotional and starts crying. This is an enjoyable movie but probaly more for kids than for adults. (more…)
The Hunted (1995)
Tuesday, May 1st, 2007After reviewing Franco Nero in the white ninja movie ENTER THE NINJA, I got some suggestions to check out THE HUNTED. I’m pretty sure at least one person tried to get me to review this a long time ago, so I hope you will enjoy this and forgive me for taking so long.
Christopher Lambert plays a white businessman who, along with his colleagues, has just wrapped up a big sale one night in Tokyo. Don’t get too excited, he’s not a ninja businessman, just a regular one in a suit and tie. Christopher decides not to go utilize some geishas with his buddies, instead going to a bar to drink by himself. But he sees Joan Chen (ON DEADLY GROUND), drinks some sake with her, ends up going back to her hotel with her. At first he’s very shy and polite, doesn’t go inside, but she invites him in for traditional Japanese hot tub sex.
What he doesn’t know is that the leader of a deadly ninja cult played by John Lone and some other ninjas were waiting for him to leave so they could come in and chop off Joan’s head. Christopher accidentally takes the wrong hotel key with him so he comes back just in time to get hit with a poisoned ninja star and watch his new love get decapitated. Pretty much one of the worst ends ever to an awesome night of sex.
But what the ninjas didn’t count on is that Christopher survives. You might say that he’s hard to kill. Ninjas aren’t used to not killing a guy, especially a sissy white guy like this, so there is alot of turmoil and controversy within the cult. Heads do roll. Or at least, some guys get killed. I wish I could say heads roll literally, but if I remember right they don’t. Sorry.
In the hospital Christopher is visited by a badass samurai who insists on being the protection instead of the police. What I forgot to mention is that he saw the ninja leader’s face, which is a no no, so he’s pretty much a dead man walking. A police inspector tells him all that ninja shit is bullshit, but as he’s explaining this he is suddenly killed by an arrow. The samurai’s argument starts to seem more convincing. (more…)
The Sword of Doom
Tuesday, June 6th, 2006When the Criterion company puts out a DVD, and the title doesn’t rhyme with either THE SCHROCK or SCHMARMAGEDDON, you know it’s probaly a pretty good movie. And everybody loves a good samurai picture so I’ve had my eye on this THE SWORD OF DOOM for a while now. What finally inspired me to watch it though is the ballots for the revision of the Badass 100. It hasn’t been rated as many times as alot of the other movies, but so far every single person who’s rated it has given it a perfect 10. It seems like they like it.
Sure enough, this is a good one. It’s basically the story of a crazy fuckin bastard goin around killing people for no reason in samurai times. The guy’s name is Ryunosuke and he’s played by Tatsuya Nakadai, who I guess is in some of Kurosawa’s pictures. The Japanese title actually means “Dai-bosatsu Pass” which is the location of the opening scene where we first meet this psychotic fuck. And right away you get this feeling that something horrible is gonna happen because the opening title says something like “Spring 1860, the Dai-bosatsu Pass Incident.” Like what’s about to happen is some horrible notorious thing we’ve all heard about before. Gulp.
An old man and his grand daughter have climbed 15 miles up this mountain for a pilgrimage and they’ve stopped at a Buddhist shrine. Suddenly this asshole in a shinobi hat, Ryunosuke, approaches the old man. He asks him a couple questions and then slices him up. His eyes look crazy but he doesn’t seem too worked up about the whole thing. And it’s kind of ambiguous because, to be fair, the old man was actually praying for Buddha to let him die and come to “the other side.” So you’re not really sure if Ryunosuke is trying to do him a favor or what. Anyway, he just walks away. You know how those fuckin shinobis are. They think just because they have giant hats they can go around fileting people. Fuckers. (more…)
Zatoichi
Saturday, January 1st, 2005I’ve seen a couple of the old Zatoichi movies and I liked them, but I was excited for this one not because it was a Zatoichi film, but because it was a TAKESHI KITANO film. The great badass laureate does his usual writing/directing/editing deal while playing the blind masseuse with the deadly cane sword.
So I don’t know why but for some reason it threw me off that this really was more of a Kitano movie than what you expect when you see a Zatoichi movie. It’s like, what if Jim Jarmusch made a Zorro movie? It’s kind of weird. The character is very similar to how Shintaro played him, with a little more of the Beat Takeshi humor and for some reason with blond hair. But the feel of the movie itself is very Kitano. It wanders around like a dotted line in a Family Circus comic, gradually introducing a family of offbeat characters, without letting on too strong about which ones the movie is about. It has the usual Kitano sense of humanity, introducing a couple of dumb (one arguably retarded) characters and one crossdresser, without a trace of being judgmental.
Man, I felt dumb that I didn’t figure out that geisha was a man until Zatoichi pointed it out. The dude is blind and he figured it out before me. I feel your pain, Eddie Murphy.
The weirdest thing is that alot of the movie really doesn’t focus on Zatoichi at all. It keeps flashing back to tell the stories of the other characters like the two geishas and the rival samurai bodyguard (all of them interesting). Early on, Zatoichi goes to gamble on dice, and I thought it was going to be that scene from the first Zatoichi where he pretends not to know his opponents can see the dice, tricks them into cheating and then scams them out of all their money. Instead, Zatoichi just gambles. And gambles. And he stays there for days. It’s partly my own fault, because it took me longer than it should have to figure out what he was really doing: bonding with one of the gamblers, the nephew of the nice old woman Zatoichi is staying with. But this portion of the story is so long it’s kind of weird. It seems like the first half of the movie every time they cut back to Zatoichi all he does is sit there and bet. You want him to be onscreen more and passive less. Even though when he’s offscreen you definitely get involved in the other characters. (more…)
Red Sun
Saturday, January 1st, 2005Pretty much every day, somebody comes up to me and asks, “Vern, what in your opinion is the greatest badass ensemble cast of all time?” They expect me to go for a big cast like THE GREAT ESCAPE or THE DIRTY DOZEN. But I throw em a curve ball with the best possible answer: HELL IN THE PACIFIC. There are exactly two actors in the whole movie, and they’re Lee Marvin and Toshiro Mifune. That cannot be topped. The technology just doesn’t exist.
Here’s a cast that comes pretty close though: Charles Bronson, Toshiro Mifune and Alain Delon. I mean, that’s pretty fuckin good, right? You could argue whether or not Bronson + Delon > Marvin. But there’s other people in this movie, not just those three, and that lessens the impact. The minimalism of HELL IN THE PACIFIC is part of what makes it so great.
However, this one has something going for it: Charles Bronson is a cowboy. Toshiro Mifune is a samurai. In the same movie. I’ll pause now for you to go rent the movie.
Thanks for coming back. In case you haven’t watched it yet, I’ll explain. Bronson and Delon are pulling a train robbery. On one car of the train is a Japanese ambassador guarded by two samurai. That’s got nothing to do with the robbery but while they’re poking around, Delon notices a ceremonial samurai sword the ambassador is bringing as a gift. So he takes it, and shoots one of the samurai that comes after it. Then him and some guys pull a doublecross on Bronson and take off with the boodle. (more…)
Lone Wolf and Cub: Sword of Vengeance
Saturday, January 1st, 2005LONE WOLF AND CUB #1: SWORD OF VENGEANCE
Way back when when I first compiled THE BADASS 100 there were alot of individuals recommending for me to watch the LONE WOLF AND CUB, aka the BABYCART series. I sort of vaguely knew what they were talking about. Something about a samurai and a baby. I’ve seen the boxes before and they got kind of ugly design with some black and white pictures. I felt like, you know, I’m sure it’s good, I’ll get it some time, probaly. The truth is I get alot of recommendations and I always want to follow them but you know how it is. There are so many movies out there. You never get to watch all of them.
I gotta confess that it was the SHOGUN ASSASSIN reference in KILL BILL V.2 that finally reminded me to watch these fuckers. I knew SHOGUN ASSASSIN was a good old american style assfucking of the first two pictures in the LONE WOLF and I decided to pick up the first one, known here as SWORD OF VENGEANCE.
And right away the first question I had was MAN, what the fuck was I waiting for? It’s not what I imagined at all. This is not some cheesy martial arts type picture, it is real good filmmaking and epic storytelling and as so many of you knew before me it is absolutely classic grade-A Badass Cinema.
For all you ignorant fuckers out there let me explain what this is all about. It is the story of Ogami Itto, who was the shogunate’s personal executioner. A motherfucker so amoral that in the opening scene he chops off the head of an adorable child. Just doin his job, man. Pimpin ain’t easy. You are now about to witness the strength of street knowledge. (more…)
Ghost Dog and Titus on DVD
Monday, August 14th, 2000Well it brings tears to an old man’s eyes to point out that it has been 1 penny solid that I have been on the outside of the correctional system. 365 days of freedom. Good lord what a beautiful year. Very few brushes with the law or neighbors and many months of clarity and sobriety. It has gotten to the point where I can even wait patiently in line at a bank without much shuffling my feet or getting a sweaty forehead.
And the lord likes to bless us on these types of occasions and this week he has some doozies for me. Because GUESS WHO DOESN’T HAVE CHLAMYDIA! That’s right, thanks to all of your prayers, my test came back negative. Must be some other kind of infection. So you heard the lord girls. All ladies over 18, Vern is back open for business!
But there are a couple things in this world more important than disease-free sex, or even finishing a weekly column on time. And one of them is GHOST DOG: WAY OF THE MOTHERFUCKIN SAMURAI. Artisan home entertainment has kindly agreed to commemorate my anniversary by releasing my favorite film Ghost Dog to video as well as to the popular digital versatile disc format which I highly recommend. You see like many digital versatile discs, or “dvds” as many of us call them for short, GHOST DOG has many extra bonus type deals on it which are NOT on the tired, obsolete and embarrassing medium of the “vcr tape”.
For one, you got the documentary. It was made for the Black Entertainment Television and is made up of clips from the movie with interviews with Jim Jarmusch (writer and director), Forrest Whitaker (samurai) and Rizzo (composer). Yeah, it’s just one of those shitty promotional ad deals they make but it has some good bits. The main thing is that Jim here knows how to say things just right. He describes the music as “poetically beautiful but slightly damaged”, which pretty much sews it up. He also says that he hopes GHOST DOG is a movie where “two days later little bits revisit you in your brain” which is about the most accurate description of the movie besides “#1 movie of all time.” (more…)
Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai
Monday, April 3rd, 2000First off folks I would like to apologize from the deepest recesses of my big ol’ outlaw heart for getting this column in late. I know some of you really count on the punctuality of this particular column Vern Tell’s It Like It Is and if it is not ready for you on monday morning it throws off your whole damn week. Without my artistical Cinematic musings, my down to earth stories and advice, you are not ready to begin your week.
Oh who the fuck am I fooling, nobody knows this but this column usually goes up early Monday morning, but this time it was late. If anyone noticed then sorry bud. Remember it comes out on monday gang please read it regularly. jesus.
Anyway, the reason why I was late can be blamed on one individual named Ghost Dog and his picture Way of the Samurai. You see ever since seeing this picture I have been trying to be more open to the different ways of the individuals in different parts of the world, cultures, etc. I think Ghost Dog has a very good point that it is time people started learning from people who are different from them, from the chinese circus acrobats who swing from their hair to the dude in El Topo who has no legs who is strapped to the back of the dude with no arms.
We as americans must stop taking everything so literally man. Just cause a guy is a shaolin monk or a guy with blue hair does not mean you can’t exchange tips on how to live life. I think a cowboy or an astronaut could go out for a drink with say a ninja or a ballerina, and could learn from their ways. This does not mean the astronaut starts wearing a tutu underneath the astro-suit, or even that he does ballet moves while floating through outer space. What I’m talking about is they can get to the core of the thing, the understanding. They can learn from the philosophy or the attitude and figure out how to apply it to their own life. I mean imagine if Clint Eastwood in the westerns had learned how to look at life the same was as a ninja. I mean jesus he would be unstoppable, that motherfucker. I almost don’t even wanna think about it. (more…)
