"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

Rumpelstiltskin (1996)

The idea of a horror movie called RUMPELSTILTSKIN seemed funny enough to me in the 1990s that I got a poster for it in the free bin at the video store (“1996 THEATRICAL RELEASE!” it exclaimed) and hung it on my wall, but not enough that it ever occurred to me to actually watch it. Then a couple years ago the eccentrically curated label Terror Vision put out a fancy 4K/blu-ray special edition, and I thought, “Could it actually be good?”

Well, that depends on how you define “actually good.” I’d say I got more out of JACK FROST, which had almost the same trajectory for me. But RUMPELSTILTSKIN is one of those movies, scarcer and arguably more charming now, that take an absurd horror concept and go to town with it, knowingly silly and with some jokes but with at least a main character who treats it with complete sincerity. At the time it was easy to hate, but now it’s easier to at least get a smile out of it. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 23rd, 2026 | 5 Comments »

40 Acres

40 ACRES is a 2024 post-apocalyptic movie, set 12 years after a fungal infection killed all the animals, causing civilization to collapse. It centers on Hailey Freeman (Danielle Deadwyler, THE HARDER THEY FALL) and her family, who grow corn and weed on their farm, which they protect fiercely and skillfully. In the opening some raiders show up (mostly white, mostly rednecks), maybe thinking the Freemans will be pushovers, but at first they can’t even find them. They just hear them whistling. Next thing they know they’re being shot and sliced and chased through the corn field. When it’s over we see that even the Freeman kids were part of the battle, and they’re very proud of their headshots.

We notice some trepidation from big brother Emanuel (Kataem O’Connor, TIME CUT), though. He unmasks the last one he shot and is clearly bothered that it was a young woman. Then she turns out to be alive and he hesitates to finish the job. But his mom orders him to, so he does it. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 19th, 2026 | 5 Comments »

You Can’t Win (2026)

ZERO EXTERNAL REVIEWS ON IMDB

I watched a curious new movie that nobody else seems to know about. Just came out on DVD yesterday, no fanfare whatsoever, and I couldn’t find any reviews or even promo photos of it. It says “based on the bestselling book by Jack Black,” but I don’t think it’s trying to trick us into thinking that’s the same Jack Black from I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER. This one spent his life riding the rails and stealing, and then he wrote a memoir about it that was published by Macmillan in 1926. I admit that I never heard of it before, but it seems it was a sensation in its time and it’s stayed enough of a cult book that it was reprinted by Amok Press. Apparently William S. Burroughs read it when he was a kid and cited it as an inspiration. (This was before Encyclopedia Brown.)

That seems like a book I should read, but more relevant for this moment it sounds like good source material for a potentially interesting movie. And what really sold me on it is that it’s directed by Robinson Devor, whose debut was the excellent Charles Willeford adaptation THE WOMAN CHASER. He also did the documentary ZOO that some of you might remember me reviewing for The Ain’t It Cool News.

YOU CAN’T WIN is kind of like an evil cousin to TRAIN DREAMS. It’s another hazy, non-linear contemplation of a quiet, simple man’s life in the late 1800s and early 1900s. Both were filmed and partially set in Washington state, and IMDb says they share nine crew members, plus Will Patton (THE POSTMAN), who appears on screen this time, he’s not the narrator. Both movies include problematic encounters with Chinese immigrants (this guy gets caught trying to steal from James Hong). But while Mr. Train Dreams spent his life working what was considered an honest job and yearning to be home with his family, this Jack Black does nothing but crimes for most of his life, always riding the rails, never sticking in one place except when he gets locked up. He does have a girlfriend at one point, he finds her on a river bank crying, she seems like an interesting character who says her name is Annie but implies that’s not her real name. I believe they stick together for a while, but whether that can be measured in weeks or years I couldn’t tell you, because those sorts of things are never made very clear in this movie. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 18th, 2026 | 8 Comments »

Bloody Nose, Empty Pockets

BLOODY NOSE, EMPTY POCKETS (2020) is an incredible slice of life movie. It’s not a documentary but it sure feels like it is (you even see the camera operators a couple times). It’s kind of like a more verite take on another indie drama I love, LAST NIGHT AT THE ALAMO. It’s the story of the last day of operations for a dive bar called The Roaring 20s, from the morning to the next morning. You’re in this old place full of history, walls covered in photo collages and in-jokes, now joined by hand-written signs with messages like “Y’all don’t come back now, y’hear?” You’re spending a day and a night with a bunch of drunks and weirdos and bartenders, experiencing the power of human connection and the beauty of life in all its flaws and failures and sad endings. So much to love, so much to mourn, this is life.

I love how a movie like this creates a feeling of time. No matter when you watch it you experience the start of a day, the morning greetings, the guy who brought donuts. And eventually it’s dusk, and then it’s the middle of the night, then the sun rising, and though it was only the length of one movie you feel like it was a long day. But a good one. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 17th, 2026 | 2 Comments »

Shelter

I enjoyed the extra strength absurdity of THE BEEKEEPER, but man am I happy that Jason Statham can still make his serious movies. SHELTER is his latest, directed by Ric Roman Waugh (SNITCH, ANGEL HAS FALLEN) and written by Ward Parry (THE SHATTERING). This one’s more of a traditional action movie than REDEMPTION, but a little more grounded than HOMEFRONT. Maybe somewhere in the range of WILD CARD or SAFE. To me its familiar Statham tropes make it feel classical, not generic. These movies are like a good song or poem. They hit on themes we’ve explored a million times, but they do it with their own words and melodies.

Statham plays a guy named Michael Mason, but you don’t know that name until pretty far into the movie. He never says it, even when asked. He’s a grumpy loner living on a tiny Scottish island with only his dog (who doesn’t have a name at all). You assume this guy’s a lighthouse keeper until somebody says the lighthouse doesn’t even work. It’s always gloomy and stormy on this island, and when his friend and his friend’s teenage niece Jessie (Bodhi Rae Breathnach, HAMNET) come drop off supplies he never comes down to say hi, he just skulks around on his hill like some weird guy looking out the window of a mansion in an old horror movie. Jessie is such a sweetheart she tries to leave him presents to cheer him up but he won’t accept them. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 16th, 2026 | 8 Comments »

Heart Eyes

Last year there was a well-reviewed Valentine’s Day slasher movie playing in theaters. Normally I’d be all over that shit, but I boycotted for political reasons. You see, the production company behind it, Spyglass Media Group, were the assholes who fired the star of SCREAMs 5 and 6 from SCREAM 7 for posting about the Gaza genocide. (And being against it.) I grew up on ‘80s horror sequels, so obviously I can roll with the loss of a main character and the derailing of a storyline, but doing it for that reason was too much. They not only fired her but smeared her as having written anti-semitic hate speech and “false references to genocide, ethnic cleansing, Holocaust distortion.” I’d say they’re fucking cowards for not having publicly apologized yet, now that it’s a couple years later and the genocide and ethnic cleansing continue, but I suspect they have no guilt about it whatsoever.

I think back to 2003, when the band then known as the Dixie Chicks got into trouble for saying they were against invading Iraq and embarrassed to be from the same state as George W. Bush. If there had been a SCREAM 4 in the works at that time and then one of the stars criticized the war and got fired for it, I’m positive SCREAM would’ve been dead to me then. So it’s dead to me now. I love my “horror franchise” completism bullshit but not enough, it turns out, to stomach something like this. That’s just my personal decision for myself, I’m not telling anyone else what to do.

For that Valentine’s Day movie though I decided it was okay to watch and review now because I didn’t pay money and it’s not vying for box office dollars. So here’s my right-on-time late review of HEART EYES, which is directed by Josh Ruben (WEREWOLVES WITHIN) and written by Phillip Murphy (HITMAN’S WIFE’S BODYGUARD), Michael Kennedy (IT’S A WONDERFUL KNIFE) and Christopher Landon (HAPPY DEATH DAY, FREAKY, DROP, was going to direct SCREAM 7 but left after the firing). It’s about an infamous murderer known as the “Heart Eyes Killer,” who kills couples on Valentine’s Day, and the idea is to combine a slasher movie with a romantic comedy. In my opinion they were partially but not fully successful with each side of that coupling. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 12th, 2026 | 20 Comments »

Queens of the Dead

QUEENS OF THE DEAD is a 2025 zombie comedy written and directed by Tina Romero. Yes, that Tina Romero. The one who was in LAND OF THE DEAD.

Oh shit, yeah — and also George Romero’s daughter. She’s continuing the family business in the sense that she made a movie and it’s zombies and it’s a diverse cast and it contains commentary about our times. But she’s got her own thing going stylistically and tonally – this is flashy, neon, and undeniably a comedy. It cares about its characters and the deaths can hurt, but laughs are the priority, scares are not.

Now, I don’t want this to sound wrong, but just for context I don’t really follow or get drag. I did recently enjoy THE ADVENTURES OF PRISCILLA, QUEEN OF THE DESERT and I think that gave me some appreciation for the artistry and humor of it, but it’s not really a tradition I relate to I guess. So I have no clue how this plays to people who are closer to that world. I tried to sell a drag-savvy co-worker on it and he seemed skeptical.

But personally I was very impressed by the character credited as “ZombiQueen” (Julie J, whose IMDb “Known for” section includes Bang Bus and Street Blowjobs). She opens the movie strutting into a church, meticulously decked in gaudy rhinestones, giant blue hair, silver boots and nails, on a mission to pray to God because “after the day I’ve had I need a word with Her.” But her day gets worse. She gets a chunk of her shoulder (and costume) bit off by a zombified priest. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 11th, 2026 | 5 Comments »

Blue Moon

BLUE MOON is one of Richard Linklater’s two 2025 joints, the one that’s in English and that he didn’t sell to Netflix and that was nominated for two Oscars (actor and original screenplay). At a glance it doesn’t sound like the most typical Linklater picture, because it’s about the songwriter Lorenz Hart when his partner Richard Rodgers has just started a successful new team with Oscar Hammerstein II. But when you see it it turns out it’s very Linklater, because it’s basically a one location play starring Ethan Hawke (like TAPE) and because it’s all about listening to a weirdo carry on and show off blabbing about all the random shit he’s obsessed with (like SLACKER or WAKING LIFE).

It’s basically a bittersweet hangout movie, spending a couple hours at a bar with Hart (Ethan Hawke, 24 HOURS TO LIVE) on March 31, 1943, opening night of Rodgers & Hammerstein’s Oklahoma!. He ruminates on his past, his current failure, his dreams of how to continue, what’s going on with this war in Europe, and many of his opinions about many different things. Also he’s really excited because he thinks he’s in love with a Yale art student he’s been corresponding with who’s going to meet him here. But mostly he just tries to hold court and receive the attention he desires before Rodgers and friends show up to celebrate their triumph without him. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 10th, 2026 | 9 Comments »

The Mastermind

Kelly Reichardt’s THE MASTERMIND is in a niche that really appeals to me: the unglamorous crime tale. It’s about an art heist, but there are zero Hollywood-style thrills involved, no witty dialogue, no gun fights, not much in the way of car chases. They seem like regular people, the plan isn’t complicated at all, lots of attention is paid to the slow, mundane details of the process. It’s a period piece, set in 1970 – that’s pretty cool. But it’s not, like… ’70s New York or anything. It’s Framingham, Massachusetts. The one very smart concession to cinematic fantasy is an excellent avant-garde jazz score by Rob Mazurek of Chicago Underground. He plays cornet and I think there’s some piano but sometimes it’s just drums, and it does make everything seem pretty cool.

Josh O’Connor (one of the CHALLENGERS) plays JB, our titular ringleader. The opening scene is a really good introduction to what the movie’s gonna be like, because it’s him in an art museum during regular hours, pretending to look at the art while scoping out how things are secured, how sleepy the security guard is, etc. There’s a mom with two kids there, and one of the kids is going on and on about a code breaking puzzle involving an alien language and how to translate some of the alien words by asking questions with yes or no answers. It’s great because it’s clear this is a kid really trying to explain this idea in his own words, and getting genuinely nerdy about it. A level of kid authenticity not common film. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 9th, 2026 | 3 Comments »

Knights of the City

KNIGHTS OF THE CITY is an incredible ‘80s b-movie fever dream that’s still only on VHS, and so up my dark, garbage strewn alley that it’s amazing I never knew about it before. Gives me hope for what else could still be out there.

It involves gangs, breakdancing, and a battle of the bands. It was released in 1986, but filmed in 1984, starring and written by Leon Isaac Kennedy, between PENITENTIARYs II and III. He plays Troy, leader of a street gang and also lead singer of a band. I never caught the name of the gang, and they wait until the final act to reveal that the band is called The Royal Rockers. They’re violent tough guys who collect protection money from area businesses, and participate in gang rumbles using canes, bats, chains and switchblades. Their band rehearses in a trashed, graffiti and mannequin filled punk apartment, but their music is danceable synth-based R&B love songs.

The unspecified Florida city’s street culture is like a collision of BREAKIN’ and DEATH WISH 3, so we see endless varieties of sleeveless shirts, headbands, leather jackets, fingerless gloves, sunglasses, studded belts, raised collars, mesh tank tops, berets, wristbands, armbands, camouflage, marching band jackets, New Wave blazers, and many types of mohawks. The villain Carlos (Jeff Moldovan, BLOODSPORT: THE DARK KUMITE), leader of the Mechanics, is introduced wearing a red vest over a red Hawaiian shirt tied up Daisy Duke style. His trademarks are a fedora and a cheap fake mustache cut in two with each half glued to the side of his mouth. When he takes off the fedora it reveals that he too has a mohawk. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 5th, 2026 | 5 Comments »

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »