"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

Posts Tagged ‘Jacob Batalon’

Spider-Man: Brand New Day / The Punisher: One Last Kill

Thursday, August 13th, 2026

There’s a scene in SPIDER-MAN: BRAND NEW DAY where Peter Parker (Tom Holland, THE ODYSSEY) sees his high school best friend Ned (Jacob Batalon, THE WRECKING CREW) at the bodega. Ned doesn’t remember him due to a spell Dr. Strange had to do to save the world from multi-dimensional doom (long story, and I don’t remember it), so Peter just watches as he tells the clerk to never let him buy a certain type of energy shot that he’s addicted to. Then he asks to buy one last bottle. Then two.

Yeah, that’s sorta like the MCU these days. We all say we’re over it, then this movie has the biggest opening weekend of all time. It sure doesn’t give me the same kick it once did, but maybe my body craves an approximation, and this will do for now.

I wouldn’t go to bat for BRAND NEW DAY. It’s definitely more of the MCU episodic dilly-dallying and not the compact, standalone cinematic storytelling that used to be the goal. Seems like a lost art in the days of late stage comic book movie – is that why they gave up on doing a new BLADE? But this one has plenty that works, particularly in Peter’s relationships with MJ (Zendaya, THE ODYSSEY) and Frank Punisher (Jon Bernthal, THE ODYSSEY). The love story with MJ has been built up over three previous movies, while his even knowing The Punisher happened (I believe) off screen between movies. But Peter will long for his lost love until they meet again, and he’ll butt heads with his street vigilantism rival until they’re a mismatched buddy pair. One of those classic teams, the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man and the severely traumatized mass murdering gun and bomb freak who hides out in a squalid industrial barge. (read the rest of this shit…)

Spider-Man: Far From Home

Wednesday, July 10th, 2019

SPIDER-MAN: FAR FROM HOME continues the charming “teen comedy, but in the Marvel Universe” vibe of 2017’s SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING, but instead of situating it on the outskirts of the MCU it’s more in the middle this time. It’s pretty much an epilogue to the whole story that culminated in AVENGERS: ENDGAME, or a bridge to the next one. It starts by making light of the fictional tragedies of that movie (a hilariously awful teen-made video tribute to fallen heroes) and pretty much addressing everything I wondered about after ENDGAME (AVENGERS that is, not HIGHLANDER) pertaining to a world where half of all teens are five years younger than their ID says.

And then it’s kind of like it should be called SPIDER-MAN IS… IRON MAN 4. Peter Parker (Tom Holland, BILLY ELLIOT THE MUSICAL LIVE) is on a school trip to Europe, and his mind is on a plan to tell M.J. (Zendaya, SUPER BUDDIES) he has a crush on her, though she seems to be spending her time with Brad (Remy Hii, CRAZY RICH ASIANS), who is somebody’s little brother who grew big and handsome while the rest of them were dusted. (read the rest of this shit…)

Spider-Man: Homecoming

Tuesday, July 11th, 2017

I liked the Sam Raimi SPIDER-MAN movies (1, 3) and I liked the chemistry between Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone in the AMAZING SPIDER-MAN that I saw, but this new SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING is the first one to convince me that hey, I like Spider-Man. This is easily my favorite version.

Continuing the story of Peter Parker (Tom Holland, phone voice of Tom Hardy’s son in LOCKE) shortly after he got to fight with the Avengers in CAPTAIN AMERICA V. THE CIVIL WAR, this is an upbeat, funny slice of life in a previously unseen part of the Marvel Universe: the high schools.

Thanks to being discovered by Tony Stark (Saturday Night Live Season 11 cast member Robert Downey Jr.), Peter is now armed with a high tech costume and the prestige of being able to talk about “the Stark Internship,” but he’s still a dork. He gets made fun of even within his Academic Decathlon team (thanks alot Flash Thompson [Tony Revolori, THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL]), his best friend Ned (Jacob Batalon) talks to him about Legos in front of cheerleaders, and he annoys the shit out of his Avengers pointman Happy (Jon Favreau, THE WOLF OF WALL STREET), who doesn’t return his way-too-many calls and texts about wanting a new mission. (read the rest of this shit…)