Archive for the ‘Horror’ Category
Saturday, April 15th, 2000
I got mixed feelings about this piece because it works on one level but then in my opinion it oughta work on another level too. This is the movie version of the controversial book about Pat Bateman, the yuppie who is obsessed with designer clothes and mutilating women.
In the movie, Pat says right upfront that he has no insides, but I don’t think he really believes it. I think some part of him believes that because he has this secret life stabbing homeless dudes and chainsawing women, he is a little bit different from all the soulless, materialistic businessmen he keeps getting confused with. He has something that makes him stand out. And not to give anything away, because I’m not sure I really understood the ending otherwise I would give it away, but I think it has kind of an ironic Twilight Zone type ending that all this may have been a delusion so he doesn’t even have THAT to make him unique. The sap. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Bret Easton Ellis, Chloe Sevigny, Christian Bale, Josh Lucas, Justin Theroux, Mary Harron
Posted in Crime, Horror, Mystery, Reviews, Thriller | 53 Comments »
Monday, March 13th, 2000
First off I would like to offer up my sincerest apologies, condolences and what not for the tarditude of this particular column, which is one day late (it usually comes out early Monday, thanks for paying attention motherfucker). But I think when you find out what I have been cookin up for you you will understand why it was necessary and WELL fucking worth the wait.
You see we here at Vern Tell’s It Like It Is, and by that I mean me, have been working very hard to bring to you an exclusive, a review of a movie that almost none of the other film Writers have been able to cover. It took a lot of work to find this movie and I hope you will give a motherfucker credit for going out of his way for the art of Cinema. What you are about to read about is a small independent picture which deals with issues that are very important to me. It is a picture called Three Strikes.
What this is is a low budget “hood” comedy starring Brian Hooks and a bunch of other motherfuckers you never seen or heard of before. It is written plus directed by a dude called D.J. Pooh which, good god I feel sorry for a man with a name like that, imagine what the kids said about him when he was growing up. You don’t even have to come up with something that rhymes with “pooh,” the joke is already written.
Now the reason this movie has not been covered before today has to do with a little thing called “critics are a bunch of fucking pussies.” As you probaly know, critics have an arrangement with the publicists so that they can get passes to see movies for free before they come out. This is convenient because they can publish the review the day the movie comes out, and they don’t have to waste their piddly salary seeing Runaway Bride and what not. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: prison
Posted in Comedy/Laffs, Horror, Reviews, Vern Tells It Like It Is | 1 Comment »
Friday, February 4th, 2000
Hi there Cool Girl fans. My name is Vern and I gotta be honest and upfront about this, I am not a blond lady with big tits if that’s what your thinkin. One of my readers pointed me to that review Cool Girl did of Bruce Campbell’s show Jack of All Trades, and I don’t know if anyone else noticed this but there were naked pictures between the paragraphs. And I mean, hubba hubba, am I right? But I’m sorry to say there will be no naked pictures on my reviews and you REALLY won’t be getting a boner from them, sorry. Nope, I’m just a regular male type motherfucker seeking redemption for my past sins through Writing on the films of Cinema. Some may say that I don’t know of what the fuck I speak because, to be frankly honest, I was out of the picture for a while and missed alot of movies. Most of the ’90s in fact due to a fall I took for armed robbery and complications thereof. That is all in the past though and now in my opinion I am one of, if not THE, most important film Writers on the web, at least in my age group and social class and with my type of background, hair color etc.
Well generally my favorite type of picture to write about is the crime type picture, the action picture or especially the Badass Cinema. I like bad motherfuckers like Clint Eastwood, Charles Bronson, Lee Marvin, Steve McQueen and these type of guys, guys who would knock your teeth out just because they wanted to make their nephew a baby rattle. From the younger generation I like Chow Yun Fat of Hard Boiled and a few of the Bruces, Willis and Campbell. But hey bud I also like a good horror picture and for my first Cool Girl guest review I felt I should do the big movie this week, this Scream part 3. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Courteney Cox, David Arquette, meta-slashers, Neve Campbell, slashers, Wes Craven
Posted in Horror, Reviews | 3 Comments »
Wednesday, February 2nd, 2000
This movie is a USA Original Picture on the USA cable network. Now you may be thinking that means its not a real movie, why is vern writing about it, it doesn’t matter. Well hear me out bud. I think it does matter. Yes, I think it does matter and I am going to tell you why. Because, my friend, this is a USA Original PIcture. And what that means, in my opinion, is that they are gonna rerun this movie forever. I mean what do you think their gonna play late at night, or early in the afternoon, or at 8:00 am or pm, when they need two hours to fill. Are they gonna play Teen Wolf? Just One of the Guys? X-Man?
No. No no and no. They are gonna play Cabin By the Lake, because it’s a USA original picture. And that is two hours where they could have been playing a chuck norris movie or what have you. Maybe even van damme. So this IS important. you want this picture to be good because, let’s face it, these are the ones that count. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Judd Nelson, Po-Chih Leong, TV movies
Posted in Horror, Reviews | No Comments »
Tuesday, January 18th, 2000
Well ever since Scream 3 I have been trying to see bad sequels to movies I haven’t seen in the first place. And this one holds a particular specialness to me because it is a part 3 and I am a scholar of part 3s.
Actually, this one isn’t all that bad, for one thing it can get away with not being in 3-D. Unlike Scream 3 it has an excuse because it’s straight to video, and I mean who the fuck wants to sit at home by yourself wearing 3-D glasses. I mean give me a fuckin break.
Anyway this western doesn’t really “hang together” as the famous shoplifting critic Rex Reed might say but it does have its moments which is a hell of a lot more than you can say for most straight to video part 3s in my opinion. The opening to be specific is very strong, with an obvious Sergio Leone influence. It’s in the desert with bright, bleached out photographication and lots of heightened sound effects. You hear the wind and the rattlesnakes and the incessant clicking of guns like you just hooked your hearing aid up to a car battery. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: DTV, DTV prequels, Michael Parks, Orlando Jones, P.J. Pesce, Rebecca Gayheart, Robert Rodriguez, Sonia Braga, Temuera Morrison
Posted in Action, Comedy/Laffs, Horror, Reviews, Thriller | 3 Comments »
Saturday, January 1st, 2000
Well ever since I got out I’ve been trying to catch up with all the pictures I missed while I was out of the picture. But the truth of the matter is I never saw all that many pictures before I got in either. So I figure why only review new and recent movies, if I want to be a real film Writer I gotta study the classics.
So I turned to the American Movie Classics channel where my first classic was X directed by Roger Corman. This is the story of Dr. Xavier, who invents eyedrops that would kill a monkey but would make a man have x-ray vision. Yeah so Superman has that power plus he can fly but what the hell man, one power is pretty impressive too. Xavier uses the drops on himself, does some surgery, kills a man, and goes on some x-ray adventures. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Ray Milland, Roger Corman
Posted in Horror, Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit, Thriller | 1 Comment »
Monday, December 13th, 1999
Okay I’m gonna be up front about this. I know very well what you motherfuckers expect out of me this week. I’m not stupid. You think just ’cause I’m an ex-con I’m gonna spend this whole column gushing all over that new three hour prison movie that motherfucker Tom Hanks has.
Well guess what Jack, there is more to my life than prison. To be honest I don’t even want to revisit that territory anymore because who the fuck cares. I don’t even want to think about prison anymore. I gotta leave all that traumatic shit behind.
Well okay no that’s not true at all. Actually I just haven’t seen the movie yet. It’s hard to get three hours free to watch yet another Tom Hanks prison guard movie when you are a Writer like myself who is busy sculpting words or experiencing life which to be frankly honest is the most important element of a man’s Writing. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Bruce Campbell, Evil Dead
Posted in Action, Comedy/Laffs, Horror, Reviews, Vern Tells It Like It Is | 1 Comment »
Monday, November 22nd, 1999
This week what I saw was a piece by the name of Sleepy Hollow. This is what you call an old fashioned horror type movie based on that old story of the decapitated horseman. What he does is he goes around chopping off motherfuckers heads with an ax goin “Where’s my head? Where’s my head motherfucker give it back!” Or at least, that is what he’s communicating through the medium of head chopping.
Now first of all, if any of you like me saw halloween 20 last halloween, your probably thinking the same thing I am – could it be… michael meyers is the headless horseman? Because remember michael also got his head chopped off with an ax. And yeah nobody ever taught him how to ride a horse but then nobody taught him how to drive a car either but he was doing very well last night. Anyway I don’t want to give anything away but its not him unfortunately in sleepy hollow because it takes place in a different time period. SOrry.
Well obviously what you gotta do in a headless horseman type situation like this, even if its not michael meyers, you gotta figure out what the hell is up with this fucker and catch him. Let me tell you i’m glad this dude doesn’t get locked up in the end, i would feel bad for the inmates that have to deal with a dude with no head, that’s just creepy.
So anyway the dude who goes after him is kind of a sissy type fella by the name of Ichabod Crane. Apparently he’s some sort of cop although without a uniform or a badge I’m just going to let it slide and say, okay, this dude is all right with me. Even if he’s wearing some kind of lady’s scarf which I guess was considered less taboo at the time this takes place. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Casper Van Dien, Christina Ricci, Christopher Lee, Johnny Depp, Ray Park, Tim Burton
Posted in Horror, Mystery, Reviews, Vern Tells It Like It Is | 2 Comments »
Friday, October 29th, 1999
Okay guys I know its not monday yet but i have a new column for you – a special halloween treat for all you motherfuckers that like all the spooky shit.
what i decided to do is rent every movie i could find with the word halloween in it. This is what i got:
Halloween
Halloween 2
Halloween 3: Season of the Witch
Halloween: The Curse of Michael Meyers
Halloween 5
H20 Halloween
Now, as my regular readers know old vern has been out of the picture for a while. This is my first halloween in many years so it is a special treat. i cannot remember the last time i watched a scary movie for halloween, let alone 6 in a row. I think i have seen the first halloween movie before but this is the first time i have been able to watch the whole trilogy. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Halloween, John Carpenter, slashers, Steve Miner
Posted in Horror, Reviews, Vern Tells It Like It Is | 5 Comments »
