You’d think by now I’d learn to stop apologizing for not writing enough. But I am a polite type of individual so I say I’m sorry alot. It’s what I do man. I’m sure as fuck not gonna WRITE when I could be apologizing.

No, actually I am writing, just out of the public eye for now. I’m working on an ambitious project. I finally decided to bite the bullet and write me up a book. It’s not gonna be a collection of my works or my memoirs or nothing, although I want to do those too. This is gonna be a very scholarly type of study of the works of a specific iconic individual in the Cinematic type world. It’s somebody I’ve written about before, and I decided the topic deserved a whole book. All you film professors out there, I know you’re reading this, so leave a blank line on your syllabus. And if anybody out there 1) happens to be in the publishing industry and 2) has the balls to blow the lid off the world of film writing with me, then let me know. But right now the plan is a self publishing type deal. That means the book might be a little more expensive than I wish so save up your allowance kids. It’ll be worth it.

In the mean time I’m trying to keep my sight updated at least occasionally. I’ve seen some good movies like ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND but I figure if I’m only reviewing occasionally I should stick to the violent and badass works since those are my forte. So sorry I haven’t reviewed that one.

Meanwhile I’ve done a few early reviews for The Ain’t It Cool News, and some of the fellas in talkback actually complimented my “rants” in this column and said America needed them more often than once a month. Well, obviously I love America, so here I am boys, I’m gonna give you a new column. Because everyone who likes my column loves freedom, and everyone who doesn’t hates freedom, and that’s where the clash is.

Seriously man, that last sentence – Bush really said that to explain why some Iraqis continue to attack the foreign army occupying their country. Because they hate freedom. They are worried that if a foreign army continues to occupy their land, that it will mean freedom. So they attack that foreign army in hopes that it will lead to tyranny. They are the opposite of freedom fighters, they are freedom fighter againsters. They are fighting and even committing suicide to stop their own freedom.

That’s what Bush said. What I heard though was, “You guys are a bunch of stupid retards, you will believe any ridiculous bullshit I say, so I will say the most asinine and illogical thing I can possibly come up with, and there will not be an outcry and I will still be president. Ha ha ha suckers.”

You can forgive him for believing that because so far in his presidency it has worked pretty good. But I think the camel has been carrying way too much straw for way too long. And now, as a wise half man/half vampire once said, motherfuckers are trying to iceskate uphill.

I mean I know their poll numbers have been declining for a long time and most of their Karl Rove maneuvers have been backfiring, but I think it was Richard Clarke that finally made me believe they were going down. This guy goes out and testifies under oath about everything we always suspected was going on in the Bush administration, and they don’t even refute a single thing he says! Actually, they refuted a conversation he said he had with Bush in the situation room on September 12th 2001. They said that’s not true, Bush wasn’t even IN the situation room on that day.

And America said, wait a minute, THE PRESIDENT WASN’T IN THE SITUATION ROOM ON THE DAY AFTER SEPTEMBER 11TH? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

And they said, no, did I… no I didn’t… did I say that? I mispoke. What I meant was, he was in the situation room ALL FUCKING DAY. He would’ve been in there for 48 hours if there were 48 hours in a day. But due to bureaucratic red tape there are only like 20-22 hours or some stupid Democrat bullshit like that. But however many it was, he was there for all of them, doing all kinds of leadership stuff. He was TOTALLY in the situation room that day. TOTALLY. That’s, I think that’s what I said. That’s what I meant to say.

They sent practically the entire cabinet to the talk show circuit not to refute Clarke, but to call him a partisan. A republican! From their own administration! From the Reagan administration! A guy who was considered a notorious hawk! And now he’s a pansy liberal because he disagrees with them. And notice how they all call him “Dick Clark” instead of Richard, to make him sound like some goofball from TV’s Bloopers and Practical Jokes. The same technique they used for both Iraq wars, changing “Saddam” to “sodom” during combat. (And what’s the deal with Rumsfeld pronouncing bin Laden “bin LAY-din”? Is he trying to just seem totally out of it to seem cool? Or is he the only one who knows how to pronounce it properly?)

My favorite part was when Dick Cheney said don’t listen to Richard Clarke because this guy was totally “out of the loop.”

Yes, the VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES just told us that THE HEAD OF COUNTER-TERRORISM was “out of the loop” about what was being done to stop terrorism.

I repeat. The VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES just told us that THE HEAD OF COUNTER-TERRORISM was “out of the loop” about what was being done to stop terrorism.

I should probaly repeat that one or two more times, but instead I’d like you to go back up two paragraphs and read those again. And then pause to contemplate. Can you believe this shit? This is real. This is the America we live in today. Don’t you feel safe? Either Clarke is telling the truth, and we’re totally fucked, or Cheney is telling the truth, and we’re TOTALLY fucked.

This week of course there was the Condoleeza Rice testimony. The testimony that she so badly wanted to give, but just couldn’t, but then when a historian on the staff for the 9-11 commission faxed her photos from the Pearl Harbor commission and vowed to send them out to every major media outlet in 24 hours, suddenly she agreed to testify. I didn’t watch the testimony (I ain’t gettin up that early to watch some lady lie) but it sounds like the highlight was when she tried to explain how a memo called “OSAMA BIN LADEN DETERMINED TO STRIKE WITHIN THE US” was not really a big deal because it didn’t SPECIFICALLY say to do something about it. I mean, how was she supposed to know she was supposed to DO SOMETHING about al Quaeda cells within the US planning hijackings? Just because they had caught Ahmad Ressam coming over the border with a huge amount of explosives here in Washington state in 2000, that was no reason to take al Quaeda seriously. I mean, if somebody wanted her to STOP these terrorists they should’ve fucking TOLD HER. She’s not a mind reader.

Maybe it was a misleading title, like LAST OF THE DOGMEN or DOGVILLE. There are no dog people in either of those movies. And what about HALLOWEEN III? That’s not really a sequel to HALLOWEEN. That briefing could’ve been about anything.

My favorite moment of honesty in the testimony I’ve watched was from old Rumsfeld. There was a point when they were asking him about why nothing was done to intercept the hijacked planes on 9-11. He explained that protecting the borders is not the duty of the Department of Defense.

And he’s right, too. The Department of Defense has nothing to do with defending the United States. Why do you think they were able to make a whole separate department supposedly for doing that? I really wish they would call it something more accurate, like Department of Invasion.

I’m glad that all this coverage of the commission is finally starting to make people notice the HUGE FUCKING ELEPHANT that’s been in the room the whole time. The one I’ve been pointing to frantically all along and everyone tells me I’m a nut, there’s nothing there. Because somehow these guys really had people believing that “NATIONAL SECURITY” was an untouchable strength of the Bush administration. Even though they let the twin towers get destroyed and the FUCKING PENTAGON TO GET HIT BY A PLANE (!) while Bush was on vacation. And then started a war with a country arguably connected to the attacks, and before finishing the cleanup ran off to fight an unwinnable war in a totally unrelated country that did nothing to us.

These guys are definitely incompetent and probably insane. But they are able to take their most glaring weakness and, using the media, convince people that it is their biggest, most undeniable strength. Yes people, although it SEEMS like we have fucked up more than anybody has ever, actually what it is is we have shown Steady Leadership.

Finally, it seems, that myth is starting to fade away.

One year ago this week, they knocked that statue of Saddam Hussein down for the cameras, and Bill O’Reilly declared that it was time for those of us who were against the war to admit that we were “on the wrong side of history.” I’m sure O’Reilly wouldn’t be capable of remembering that he ever said that, but now it’s a year later and even he admits that Iraq is a horrible mess. Both major religious factions beginning to fight back, a popular charismatic leader not in America’s backpocket, mercenaries being burned alive and their bodies paraded around, civilians being kidnapped and tortured on video. That’s, you know, kind of a mess that maybe we should have, like, not started. But this is “a new kind of war” so our army goes back to the same old standbys, the main one being “fall right into their trap.” I’ll give you a few hints, guys:

1. DON’T shut down a newspaper, if you claim to be bringing democracy.
2. DON’T kill their popular leader, as I’m sure you’re considering.
3. DON’T blowup a fucking MOSQUE, no matter how badly they goad you to. That shit looks bad, in my opinion.

I saw a story on the news the other day, “Americans are beginning to worry about the cost of war.” That’s interesting, because I seem to remember us worrying about that before the war. Somehow WE knew that this would be a mess. WE knew democracy couldn’t be grown like sea monkeys. WE knew Colin Powell was full of shit when he talked about those aluminum tubes and those trailers. WE knew that if Saddam had weapons they were probaly old and useless. WE knew that catching him would have no effect on the people fighting back, because they were not connected to Saddam. WE knew that there was no terrorism in Iraq, but that starting a war there might stir some up. WE knew that invading would make the world hate us more and be a very successful membership drive selling point for al Quaeda.

WE knew alot of stuff that, unless someone is lying here, the government and the media didn’t figure out until very recently.

Now, this is probaly asking too much, but I hope America and American media will learn a lesson from Iraq. But somehow I suspect that next time this comes up the same suckers will once again trust what the government says, no matter how fishy it sounds. Because they want to believe in their team, they want their team to be the best and they want their team to win the championships. There is no questioning the team. The team RULES!

Unfortunately, this time the coach is an asshole and the whole game is bullshit. I hope we can fix this, but I’m not sure how we’re gonna do it.

–Vern