“There was some criticism that I made NASA look dumb in certain places. In fact if you heard some of these asteroid theories of what they are thinking of doing, it just sounds asinine.” –Michael Bay
ARMAGEDDON is Michael Bay’s third movie, but in some sense it’s the one where he revealed his true face to the world. There were plenty of examples of his style and character in BAD BOYS and THE ROCK, but it was ARMAGEDDON that first presented the full breadth of his trademarks: awesome awesome macho bros, pretty pretty sunsets, government employees portrayed as insufferable weiners even though they’re in the right, spinning cameras, haphazard editing all over the fucking place, chaotic mish-mashes of explosions and sparks and machinery and debris and smoke and crap, beautiful shots of people in various locations around the world, weirdly hateful characters presented as cutesy comic relief, an army of highly qualified writers seemingly locked in a cage and forced to duct tape a bunch of dumb ideas into the most unwieldy structure they can come up with that has a running time at least 30 minutes longer than the story has earned, and of course an ensemble of talented actors improvising jokes with no regard for any sort of desired rhythm or tone of storytelling. (read the rest of this shit…)
VERN has a new action-horror novel out called WORM ON A HOOK! He has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the film criticism books Seagalogy: A Study of the Ass-Kicking Films of Steven Seagaland Yippee Ki-Yay Moviegoer!: Writings on Bruce Willis, Badass Cinema and Other Important Topics as well as the crime novel Niketown.
THE ISLAND I guess was Michael Bay’s big failure. He held his head high during his public shaming as the asshole who directed PEARL HARBOR, but this time he hit the type of bump that means more to him: he made a movie that didn’t make very much money. In the U.S. I guess it only made $36 million, which would be enough for his monthly Lamborghini allowance but doesn’t even cover a third of the shooting budget. For comparison, PEARL HARBOR made $75 million on its opening weekend.
Of course I’m coming to it eight years and three TRANSFORMERSes later having heard of its growing reputation as Michael Bay’s Not As Bad Movie. So when I was looking for a dumb summer blockbuster to get me in a summer movie mood it leapt off the video store shelf into my cold, reluctant embrace. (read the rest of this shit…)
VERN has a new action-horror novel out called WORM ON A HOOK! He has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the film criticism books Seagalogy: A Study of the Ass-Kicking Films of Steven Seagaland Yippee Ki-Yay Moviegoer!: Writings on Bruce Willis, Badass Cinema and Other Important Topics as well as the crime novel Niketown.
Well, so far this summer of 2001 we’ve been having hasn’t been too hot. But at least we got that new Tim Burton movie coming out, right? I don’t know why they gotta remake PLANET OF THE APES but it’s a great cast and that guy knows what he’s doing, I’m sure he’ll do something interesting with it.
Nope. 10 years later I’m not sure I need to explain why the PLANET OF THE APES remake is no good. I don’t remember there being an argument about it at the time, or ever encountering anybody that liked it in the decade since. It was a bad idea, it was not good, let’s all pretend it never happened. The end.
VERN has a new action-horror novel out called WORM ON A HOOK! He has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the film criticism books Seagalogy: A Study of the Ass-Kicking Films of Steven Seagaland Yippee Ki-Yay Moviegoer!: Writings on Bruce Willis, Badass Cinema and Other Important Topics as well as the crime novel Niketown.
If I had to choose the better STREET FIGHTER I guess I’d have to go with the newer one, STREET FIGHTER: THE LEGEND OF CHUN LI. It’s a slick, competently made preboot with TV actress Kristin Kreuk as the young Chun Li. There seems to be more martial arts in the first 8 minutes (when Chun Li is still a kid) than in the entire STREET FIGHTER: THE MOVIE even if you watched it two times in a row. Could’ve done without Chun Li’s constant voiceover narration through the first half, though. (read the rest of this shit…)
VERN has a new action-horror novel out called WORM ON A HOOK! He has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the film criticism books Seagalogy: A Study of the Ass-Kicking Films of Steven Seagaland Yippee Ki-Yay Moviegoer!: Writings on Bruce Willis, Badass Cinema and Other Important Topics as well as the crime novel Niketown.
WAYS YOU CAN SUPPORT THE SHIT OUT OF VERN & OUTLAWVERN.COM
if that's your thing:
1. Patreon
(Crowdfunding deal where you toss me a few bucks monthly to help me take time off from the day job to write more of this good shit. You also get access to some exclusive pieces there.)
2. Buy my books from your local bookseller or somebody
(NOTE: My ten year contract has passed on the Titan books, so I only get residuals on NIKETOWN, but I would love for you to read them anyway)
EXTRA CREDIT: Review them on Amazon! That would really help me out. Unless you didn't like them, in which case forget I said anything.
3. If you ever buy from Amazon, go through my links or search engines
(you pay the same amount you were gonna pay anyway they cut me a little slice)
I also have an Amazon UK one:
(I can't get the search box widget to work anymore, so click on MOONWALKER and then search for what you want.)
4. My exciting line of fashion and leisure products
(I get a couple bucks per item, you get a cool t-shirt, mug or lifestyle item)
5. Straight up give me some money
(I held onto this Paypal donation thing you can use if you don't want to use Patreon)
6. Spread the word
Tell your friends about my reviews and my books and everything. Only cool people though please, we don't need a bunch of suckers around here.
THANKS EVERYBODY. YOUR FRIEND, VERN
* * * *
VERN’S “I RECOMMEND THE SHIT OUT OF THIS PRODUCT” CORNER:
Recent commentary and jibber-jabber
Matthew B. on The Musketeer: “I think some of the “above the material” feeling KayKay gets from the Lester adaptations might be due to George…” Jan 20, 03:49
Some Guy Taylor on The Musketeer: “I haven’t seen this since it came out on DVD. I don’t remember a thing about it. Nevertheless, seeing as…” Jan 20, 02:47
H A S S A N on Manhunt: “Watched this again last night on the 4K HK Panaroma Disc and it just get’s better and better with each…” Jan 20, 00:06
KayKay on The Musketeer: “Crustacean Love: My edition is the Penguin Classics one translated by Richard Pevear which is pretty good. Unlike IRON MASK…” Jan 19, 17:52
CrustaceanLove on The Musketeer: “KayKay: What would you consider the definitive translation of THE THREE MUSKETEERS? I’ve read it before (don’t remember which version),…” Jan 19, 17:09
CrustaceanLove on Train to Busan Presents Peninsula: “I really liked the first act of this movie. The horrific scene on the refugee ship, and then later the…” Jan 19, 17:02
pegsman on The Musketeer: “I believe that snark is the British humor he infused everything from HELP to BUTCH AND SUNDANCE with.” Jan 19, 11:53
KayKay on The Musketeer: “pegs, I fucking love movies man, but just can’t shake the snarky vibes from Lester’s films. Am willing to concede…” Jan 19, 09:32
pegsman on The Musketeer: “KayKay, I’m sure you’re right about the novels. But don’t even try to diss the Lester adaptions. That’s like saying…” Jan 19, 08:38
CJ Holden on The Musketeer: “Pegsman, believe it or not, but the name rings a bell. I’m sure I probably saw it once or twice…” Jan 19, 06:12
Felix on Seized: “Saw SEIZED yesterday. Its all right. Not an upper tier Adkins flick. But definitely better than Legacy of Lies. Mario…” Jan 19, 05:44
KayKay on The Musketeer: “Apologies in advance for the mini KayKay rant to follow: MOST screen adaptations of THE THREE MUSKETEERS have pissed me…” Jan 19, 05:32
Pacman2.0 on Until Death: “I *think* I saw this? In this period I was admiring VanDamme for trying, in a way Seagal clearly wasn’t…” Jan 19, 05:24
Pacman2.0 on The Musketeer: “I’m going to lower(?) the tone by mentioning DOGTANIAN AND THE THREE MUSKEHOUNDS, of which there is a (mercifully all-animated)…” Jan 19, 04:21
The Winchester on Until Death: “I love finding an old review through one of the current ones, and reading it and saying “This sounds pretty…” Jan 19, 04:19