They got this new extended cut of AVATAR coming out on the DVDs and blu-rays today. On the ad they showed Jake Sully in a crowded earth city, which I’d like to see. I’ve seen AVATAR twice – once in Imax 3-D when it first came out and a second time in Imax 3-D when they re-released it in the Extended But Not As Extended As the Upcoming Extended DVD and Blu-Ray Cut.
I believe that’s where they introduced the fact that the N’avi fuck by plugging their ponytails together. I didn’t really care about that though, I just liked seeing the movie again because I hadn’t given it much thought since the first time and I forgot how exciting it was gonna be when it gets into the big battle and all the great badass villain moments and everything. It’s no ALIENS but it’s a fun movie and a unique spectacle.
But because I enjoyed it so much that second time I think I need to give it more of a waiting period before I check out the new, longer version. I don’t want to wear out AVATAR. So now I’ll stick to something that is not AVATAR, and THIS AIN’T AVATAR, due to the title, is the only movie I could feel 100% confident was not gonna be AVATAR.
THIS AIN’T AVATAR is Hustler and director Axel Braun’s low budget re-imagining of James Cameron’s inter-species love and war epic, except with the war parts skipped over, and the half hour interludes of blowjobs and reverse cowgirl that must’ve been going on not skipped over. It’s played almost completely straight, very few noticeable jokes, and stays very faithful to a massively simplified version of the original movie.
Chris Johnson plays Jake Skulley with a sometimes-weirdly-accurate rendition of Sam Worthington’s Australian take on an American accent. As in the original Jake is our on-camera narrator and a quadriplegic soldier who has been drawn into what I guess must be called the This Ain’t Avatar Program because of his dead scientist twin brother. I thought he said the planet’s name as Pandora, just like the original, but I have read that supposedly it’s Panwhora. “The Corporation” are there to get viagratanium, a pile of chalky substance that they eat and get addicted to. But Jake says he’s heard stories of “ten foot tall naked babes with tails,” so that’s a good reason to be there too I guess.
The movie also has Grace (Sigourney Weaver’s character, but now played by Nicki Hunter [PUSSY PARTY 19: HOT SUMMER ORGY, THIS AIN’T GLEE XXX]) and gives her the same introduction, sitting up from her Avatar-pod-thing and being given a cigarette before complaining about the new soldier guy. Except the pod is not quite as fancy, in my opinion.
There are a few scenes at the beginning where the porn actors stiffly act out paraphrased versions of scenes from the original, but in a minimalistic laboratory set with a non-moving camera, so it kind of reminds me of some of those home made action movies from the Titan Books Youtube video contests. The only impressive thing seen on any of the sets is a naked chick Na’bi (see, they changed the name of the alien race slightly, that proves that it ain’t AVATAR) seen briefly floating in a tube.
They have the scar-faced Colonel, couldn’t tell what his name was (Korinth?), but Jake describes him as “one-dimensionally dickish,” a fair enough description of the original character. Before anybody goes out into the Panwhoran jungle the Colonel receives an epic blowjob and more from one of the female soldiers. He just unzips and keeps his uniform and boots on for the entire marathon encounter. She ends up stripped down to her low cut socks, which I’m pretty sure would never be military issue, even in the future. Who was the military advisor on this thing, anyway? Geez.
Warning: if you’re not familiar with the original AVATAR this movie doesn’t really explain the concept of how the earthlings control genetically engineered Na’bi bodies to infiltrate the native culture of the planet. If you don’t want to have to watch AVATAR to be ready for this one maybe wait for the novelization to come out.
So it just jumps into the Ain’t Avatars of Jake, Grace, and the porn version of the AVATAR character of that guy that starred in HATCHET on an indoor set of a tropical rain forest. On one hand it’s pretty impressive that Hustler was able to create or get access to a set like this for pornographical purposes, on the other hand the camera doesn’t move from this little part it’s fixed on. It’s obviously a very small set so it reminded me of a Sid and Marty Kroft show a little bit. Or HATCHET.
But I’m ignoring the real achievement here, and the only reason why this movie is worth noting: this is a porn scene with three characters in full body blue alien makeup. The real AVATAR of course used groundbreaking computerings to create these creatures, this ain’t groundbreaking but they did elaborate latex effects on their faces to give the Na’bi the facial features of the Na’vi.
Obviously the big question here is how are they gonna fuck without smearing blue all over each other? According to a Hustler press release they “used an alcohol-based paint so that it wouldn’t sweat or rub off during the film’s most important scenes.” They go on to brag that they used more than 40 bottles of the makeup and that they cost more than $50 a bottle, so “you can imagine what kind of finances went into airbrushing the actors blue!” Well, I got a calculator so I’m going with more than $2000. I’m not sure how well that backs up the much-repeated claim that this is the most expensive production Hustler has ever done, but it’s a good gimmick to say that. I like it.
Anyway, the paint seems to work. In this first Na’bi sex scene Grace has on her human style clothes (including G-string) which she removes to reveal the blue skin beneath, all done in one shot. Not because it’s trying to be like CHILDREN OF MEN, but because it’s a porno. In the real movie the HATCHET guy was a somewhat neglected character, in this one he gets to bone Grace as soon as Jake wanders off to investigate a sound. “One trigger happy marine on this force is too many. Besides, we don’t really need him here, do we?” (cue making out)
Now, I don’t want to disappoint anybody, and this may be a huge sticking point for some people, but I think the public has a right to know: the dicks are not blue. The dicks are regular flesh colored. I guess they didn’t want to risk ingestion. But otherwise the paint seems to cover everything. Toward the end of the scene it looked to me like some of the blue was smearing off of Grace’s chin, but I’m not positive.
Like I said, I saw that first extended AVATAR, so I know the Na’vi bone via ponytail. So I was thinking at first that the use of genitals in this scene was proof that this indeed AIN’T AVATAR. But as the story progresses it becomes clear that this is all accounted for. These are not Na’bi, they’re humans in Na’bi bodies, so they enjoy blowjobs. Later, when Jake and native-Na’bi Natiri (or whatever her name is, I’m not exactly sure in the original or the porn version) meet she says “This is how we connect” and shows the ponytail thing. But Jake says “This is how the sky people connect” and whips out his johnson. You could assume it’s like BARBARELLA and she’s being taught the old fashioned earth way to make love and enjoying it, but I don’t know man, it seems like she knows what to do without hesitation. She even spits on it, so they must have DVD players and porn in the jungle there somewhere, I don’t care how down with Hometree they are.
(by the way, no sign of a This Ain’t Hometree in this. So if you were hoping for a giant dick called Bonetree you’ll have to wait for part 2.)
There’s not a whole big army of Na’bi, but there’s a couple of them. Jake chases the girl through a sort of half-assed black light jungle area before confronting the tribal leaders. He defends himself by saying “You don’t understand, I was just chasing a piece of tail.” Speaking of which, the tails he mentions in the opening do not seem to exist, and the Na’bi might not actually be ten feet tall either, depending on your interpretation of the human girl who fucks a Na’bi guy and seems proportionately appropriate. I choose to believe that she is also ten feet tall, but you may think otherwise. She’s involved in the most ambitious sex scene, the traditional Na’bi “Feast of Souls” orgy of three couples going at it, 5 out of 6 of them in full body (except for penis) makeup. Actually, the one with the human partner looks like he might have blue junk. It’s hard to tell sometimes because the lighting is pretty dark.
I’m sure it’s difficult for these women to perform such involved blowjobs while wearing full makeup appliances, so to make it easier they have two non Na’bi sex scenes. The other one besides the Colonel is when Jake gets into trouble and they can’t wake up his real body in the pod. Grace goes into ER mode yelling doctor things like “Get his vitals up, now!” as she undoes his pants and starts emergency blowing and jerking him.
I would never say this if it wasn’t true, but to be honest I fast-forwarded through most of the sex scenes. So if I missed any important dialogue I apologize. Every once in a while I’d stop to check but I would just hear jungle bird noises in the background.
The story continues past what happens in AVATAR, since the entire battle is summarized in narration, and there’s some kind of twist ending that I didn’t get.
(HUGE SPOILERS COMING UP)
FIrst there’s a sign that says “Hustler Casino Coming Soon” (a joke about the Na’vi being based on Native Americans, I think) and Jake yells “Noooo! Damn you! Damn you dirty Na’bi!” before an off screen monster roar. Hopefully they won’t have to wait the four years until AVATAR 2 to do their sequel. But I hear Cameron’s is gonna have some underwater scenes, and Hustler might need a few years to figure out how to do the cheaper porno version of that.
Obviously you can’t exactly re-create the most expensive movie of all time on a porn budget, but I like all the little things they do to copy it. For example the end credits are a helicopter shot over rain forests and what not. Not bad. Also, they shot and released it in 3-D. Unfortunately the red and blue 3-D they use on home video still looks like garbage. They tried some gimmicky shots like holding things out to the camera and stuff, but it didn’t look 3-D to me at all and I didn’t want to spend alot of time experimenting since it’s a rental and I don’t know where these glasses have been.
Of course, Hustler takes a note from the Cameron playbook and argues for subtle, not-cool uses of 3-D. Rob Smith, director of operations for Hustler Video boasts, “Characters aren’t seemingly jumping out at you and there’s no need to watch the film in fear that something — or someone — might hit you at any time. That’s not the kind of movie we made. We made a film, where, when you’re watching it in 3-D, everything just seems to come alive. It has dimension, depth, and the sense that you could literally walk in to the frame at any second.” [and get fucked by a blue monster with braids]
There’s a pretty big market for porn parodies these days. A few of the ones that have been done in recent years include STAR TREK, STAR WARS, MAD MEN, THE OFFICE, 30 ROCK, BIG LOVE, TRUE BLOOD, TWILIGHT, THE COSBY SHOW, THE BREAKFAST CLUB, FRIDAY THE 13TH and THE BIG LEBOWSKI (supposedly a really well made one). There’s a very impressive-looking porn version of the Adam West BATMAN tv series, which is funny to me because the porn version beat the actual show to DVD. I’m still waiting for THIS AIN’T THE MACNEIL LEHRER NEWS HOUR or THIS AIN’T DIAGNOSIS MURDER, but most other topics have been covered.
I’m sure the covers are probly funnier than the movies. I miss the parody titles, though. If EDWARD PENISHANDS were made today it would be called THIS AIN’T EDWARD SCISSORHANDS or worse, EDWARD SCISSORHANDS: THE XXX PARODY. Makes you worry about this generation being too lazy, but I guess they put alot of work into dressing up the porn actors as the characters for the covers, so I can’t be too harsh. There is some elbow grease involved, obviously. (not a type of lube, by the way. It means effort. Look it up on your iPad or whatever, young people)
I haven’t actually watched many of these parodies, but I think they’re more interesting and mysterious when they’re like this, marketed as a parody but not coming across like they’re really trying to be funny. This might actually be a smart thing because as I noted in my original AVATAR review there is probly a small segment of society who seriously gets off on the idea of sex with these blue cat people. I was thinking more of the regular-sized-man-fucking-giant-cat-woman angle, which is neglected in this, but if somebody just gets off on the cat people this is gonna be a hell of a Christmas for that person. Congratulations, Avatar fetishists. I’m genuinely happy for you.
In fact, Hustler might not realize it, but this is a part of the Nerdening of America, as this generation of “geeks” and fandom and Saturday morning TV brains takes over, turning everything into franchises and brands and rebrands and references, and as the internet and supercable make entertainment much more specialized. Porn was not just ahead of the game technologically but also conceptually. They’ve always known niche marketing, because it’s hard to make a porno that’s gonna please people across a broad spectrum, like a Pixar movie. Instead they make movies for people who are into Asians or blondes or feet or stepping on bugs or three-ways where one of the girls wears glasses and the other one has two different colors of eyes. That’s easy to do on the cheap but now Hustler is saying shit, let’s throw some money at some of these, do it up right. If Disney will spend a hundred million to please the very small segment of society who believes that the movie TRON is awesome then why shouldn’t Hustler try spending $2,000 on blue paint for the people who want to fuck the aliens from AVATAR?
I mean it’s pretty cool, I’m not trying to be condescending. It’s not my thing, but I’m glad somebody is getting treated to their impossible dream.
There have already been porn movies based on James Cameron pictures, including THE SPERMINATOR, THE ASS-BYSS, BI-TANIC and of course GHOSTS OF THE ASS-BYSS, his 3-D Imax documentary about exploring the wreckage of the Bi-tanic. Admittedly I made up 50% of those titles, but the other two are real. Unfortunately they were not done by this same director who did THIS AIN’T AVATAR, so there’s no alternate universe James Cameron who does all the same movies but as pornos. But there are a few parallels.
Who is this director Axel Braun, who ain’t James Cameron? While he doesn’t seem to be nearly as talented as Cameron his official websight makes him sound full of himself like people say about Cameron. According to his biography, Braun (the son of old timey porno guy Lasse Braun) “received a priveleged upper-class upbringing, studying the Classics and learning five languages,” is “a proud member of MENSA” (unlike you and I, who are embarrassed members of MENSA), and spent years researching female ejaculation after reading about the G-spot in the Sorbonne in 1982. The movie THE FOUR FEATHERS inspired him to direct at the age of 7, but it wasn’t until 1997 that he fulfilled that dream by directing THE ADVENTURES OF THE G-MAN, which earned him “an incredible notoriety for being able to make all women ejaculate with his hands.” His series SQUIRTING 101 “single-handedly trigger[ed] the Adult Industry’s squirting-frenzy.”
Like Cameron, Braun knows what it’s like to struggle on an ambitious project that seems troubled but that he really believes in. He spent 8 months of 2000 creating G-SPOT CONFIDENTIAL, his bid for an AVN Award. It was shot in L.A., Dallas, Paris, Prague and London, but in Europe the footage was seized by customs and he was charged with obscenity. So he took “a 4-month voluntary hiatus” to race cars. I guess this is his equivalent to Cameron when he won best picture for TITANIC and then spent years just doing 3-D Imax documentaries about underwater exploration.
Or maybe 2003’s COMPULSION was his TITANIC. I don’t think it’s a parody of the great Leopold and Loeb-based movie, but if it is I’d like to see what they did with Orson Welles’s legendary anti-death penalty court room speech. According to the websight Braun’s COMPULSION was “an incredible undertaking, with a budget of almost $200,000” and was nominated for 13 AVN Awards, almost tying TITANIC’s number of nominations for Oscars (the mainstream equivalent of the AVN Award).
We’ll have to wait and see if THIS AIN’T AVATAR can match TITANIC’s record, but if not Braun has plenty of other ambitious projects to be proud of or excited for. He produced the Batman one and apparently is working on a version of GREASE which includes five song and dance numbers. I don’t know if AVN voters are as much of suckers for musicals as the Oscar voters, but I bet they’ll be impressed.
I hear a squirting-frenzy rumbling outside so I should probly bring this thing to a close. In conclusion, if you want to masturbate to or fast-forward through hardcore Na’vi type sex scenes (especially if the felatio and the reverse cowgirl are your favorites, since those seem to be what Panwhorans are most into) this movie will be the greatest thing that ever happened to you. Or if you just want to own two pairs of red-and-blue 3-D glasses that say “This Ain’t Avatar XXX” on them then I would recommend a purchase of this for that reason also.
VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.