I'm not trying to be a hero! I'M FIGHTING THE DRAGON!!

Vern Peels THE ONION MOVIE!!

I know what you’re thinking. THE ONION MOVIE? Are you fucking kidding me? They’ve run out of ’70s slasher movies, TV series, action figures, video games and board games to turn into movies, now they’re moving on to the fucking produce department? Well to be fair onions are a vegetable with a rich history. In Caananite Bronze Age settlements, traces of onion remains were found dating back to 5000 BC. There is Biblical evidence (specifically the Book of Numbers) indicating that onions were grown in Ancient Egypt. In fact, to the ancient Egyptians (SPOILER) their concentric rings represented eternal life. So I think with a visionary artistic team behind the camera and a decent budget an onion movie could be a real eye-opener. Unfortunately this movie has nothing to do with vegetables at all, it is based on that websight The Onion with the fake news articles and the movie reviews and what not.

I watch more direct-to-video crap than the average citizen, but even I usually draw the line at direct-to-video comedy. If MEET THE SPARTANS can get a theatrical release and you can’t then I’m not sure I trust you, even if a renowned institution such as a National Lampoon’s or an American Pie Presents is willing to put its name on the line on your behalf. In this case The Onion is only putting its name on the line due to contractual obligation. Some of their former editors wrote this thing back in 2003 but they and the directors disowned it years ago and it was sitting on the shelf until recently when somebody was moving some boxes around trying to find some of their old yearbooks or something and their ass bumped it off the shelf and it lands in stores Tuesday.

The Onion MovieI’m no expert on laughs or satirical newspapers but as it happens I *am* an expert on Steven Seagal, who appears in the picture in the role of “Cock Puncher.” The format is a copy of sketch comedy movies like KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE and AMAZON WOMEN ON THE MOON, mostly taking the form of an Onion TV news broadcast but also branching off into skits taking place in the homes of the people watching the show or behind the scenes at their news headquarters, etc. COCK PUNCHER is a new Steven Seagal movie we see advertised and it becomes a plot point when the head anchor has a fight with the corporation that owns The Onion over whether to report on unrest in Central Asia or on the phenomenon of “Cock Puncher Mania.” Then Cock Puncher somehow becomes a real person who shows up at the end to rescue the news from terrorists (long story).

Although like anyone I enjoy a movie where people get punched in the balls, this particular one is misjudged from the beginning. For starters, I think the sketch comedy movie is pretty much obsolete. When KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE came out shows like SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE and SCTV were still pretty new. Parodies of TV and movies were not as worn out as they are now. They also had more production value and tons of nudity. And more importantly they had all the various trailers and segments padding one longer section, the ENTER THE DRAGON parody A FISTFUL OF YEN. So it didn’t feel as scattershot. Maybe you could argue that a bunch of skits strung together with a couple reoccurring jokes makes more sense for today’s pea-brained Youtube addicts, but I think they would rather skip around on Youtube than rent a DVD. So I don’t know about this one. From a movie you expect more than some skits. Maybe this should be THE ONION TV PILOT.

Another factor: part of why The Onion works is because they follow every detail of a real newspaper’s format. This movie doesn’t do as good of a job at mimicking the genuine article. The head anchor seems like a real anchor from the ’80s or earlier, but not from today. Unfortunately no news broadcasts have an anchor that old or who uses that style anymore. So it would’ve already seemed dated if it came out 5 years ago.

Speaking of dated, one of the reoccurring jokes is about a Britney Spears clone named Melissa Cherry. The whole joke is about how she says her songs aren’t about sex, even when they have titles like “Take Me From Behind.” I’m not gonna lie and say that I didn’t laugh when her video showed her getting doggystyled by a guy in a blue teddy bear costume, but this is not exactly cutting edge material.

But there actually are some really good concepts in here, and a couple good laughs, even if the execution could be better. If you insist on watching it you should skip these next couple paragraphs so I won’t ruin the highlights. My favorite was the bank robbery sketch. A guy comes into a bank waving a gun around, but when they try to give him money he insists he’s not looking for a handout, he wants a job. Then it goes through his whole career working at the bank, still holding a gun and wearing a nylon on his head, and with a plaque at his desk that says “Armed Gunman.” Another good sketch is the “What About the Children Foundation” commercial where a perfectly deadpan Michael Bolton shows you how your donations can help an African child to live a better life – which turns out to mean he gets his own bourgeois house complete with a security system and spends his time protecting his belongings and ignoring the plight of other poor people in his village.

They definitely make an effort to push the “edgy” buttons, dealing with racial stereotypes and taboo topics, but usually with some smarts. One sketch finds some uncomfortable humor when a group of friends get tired of the “How To Host a Murder” game and switch to “How To Host a Rape.” See, it’s got the shock value but it also makes a point about our maybe hypocritical reactions to different types of violence. Why is the “lesser crime” so much more awful than the other? I don’t really know but I’m with the girl in the sketch who decides to leave. I think unlike Melissa Cherry this one is a concept worthy of the Onion, so they shouldn’t be completely embarrassed of this movie. Also they can be proud that the cover shows an onion with the world map on it instead of an onion with an ass coming out of it like in recent advertisements. World 1, ass 0. Your move, ass.

So as far as 5-year old DTV comedy that you watch with extremely low expectations, it’s passable, or at least gets over quickly. But looking at this thing through the eyes of a Seagalogist it’s more of a bust. As UNTITLED ONION MOVIE it hovered atop Seagal’s IMDb filmography for pretty much the entire 5 years I spent writing my book SEAGALOGY (IN STORES JUNE 10TH MOTHERFUCKERS!) and as recently as a month or two ago I was still getting emails about “Have you seen this? Seagal is playing ‘Cock Puncher’!”. I never thought it would come out. Of course it was about 2 days after the book went to press that they announced a street date. (The movie’s only mentioned in an appendix.)

Fortunately there’s no need for in-depth analysis, this film adds little to our field of study. He’s funnier than in MY GIANT but gets less screen time. Other than the obvious use of a body double in one scene (wearing a motorcycle helmet) it doesn’t mimic the style of Seagal’s real movies. Most of the trailer has a different actor playing a younger version of the character before he learns the art of cock punching. In real Seagal movies there’s never been an actor playing a younger version. The big fight scene he’s in is more trying to copy KILL BILL than any Seagal movie. It’s clear that nobody cared enough to do more than a half-assed generic action movie parody. I know most people don’t care but personally I hate that kind of shit. A movie like HOT FUZZ is kind of cool because it clearly comes from people who know and love the conventions of the movies in detail. This is more somebody vaguely familiar with “karate movies” trying to make fun of them in the same way everybody else makes fun of them. (Except with the excellent Cock Puncher concept.)

For what little he does Seagal gives the best possible performance – he delivers his lines exactly as he would if this was a serious movie and not as if he’s trying to be funny (as he did in THE GLIMMER MAN). So he doesn’t smile when he whispers “Cock blocked.”

During filming, producer David Zucker was so happy with Seagal’s cockpunching that he announced plans for Seagal to star in a full-on action movie parody. I’m so glad it never happened, not only because the modern parody film is an artform arguably on par with those advertisements they put in front of urinals in public restrooms, but also because I don’t want him to become Leslie Nielsen and not try to be taken seriously anymore. Some of you people might not take him seriously but I do, and if he had become Mr. Comedy back in 2003 we would’ve missed out on more than a dozen Seagal DTVs including keepers like INTO THE SUN and URBAN JUSTICE. In the intervening years he has not specifically dealt with punching the cock but he has certainly escalated his War On Balls, especially in that legendary stairway scene in URBAN JUSTICE. (I have always reported it as 11 consecutive kicks to the balls followed by throwing a guy down the stairs, but recent studies indicate that it is a full dozen kicks with the final one being what propels the guy down the stairs.)

In conclusion, some of it sucks, some of it is kind of funny. Just like life.

Originally posted at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/36957

View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback

  • June 3, 2008, 10:15 a.m. CST

    FIRST!

    by rboymtj

  • June 3, 2008, 10:17 a.m. CST

    Second?

    by TheTornadoKid

    I was close

  • June 3, 2008, 10:18 a.m. CST

    Anyway…

    by rboymtj

    I saw this movie a couple weeks ago, I thought it was pretty funny for what it is. I am, of course, a huge fan of The Onion.

    Was Broken Lizard involved in writing this? I could swear one of the dudes from Supertroopers is an Onion exec in the flick.

  • June 3, 2008, 10:19 a.m. CST

    Ugh.

    by The Funketeer

    I love The Onion but I know someone who works there and even he thought it was bad.

  • June 3, 2008, 10:24 a.m. CST

    Flames on Optimus = Face on HK

    by Motoko Kusanagi

    nuff said, close thread

  • June 3, 2008, 10:37 a.m. CST

    All Hail THE ONION

    by Scuzzy

    The Onion is one of the few bright shining spots on the internet. Also, their podcosts are outstanding. Their video podcasts are spot on authentic, except for the content, indistinguishable just by viewing from real news broadcasts. If I get 3 or 4 good laughs and a handful of chuckles out of this flick, I’ll be satisfied. Movies like AMAZON WOMEN ON THE MOON, KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE, and THE GROOVE TUBE are always hit and miss throughout, but usually good mindless entertainment.

  • June 3, 2008, 10:37 a.m. CST

    BIG JIM SLADE!

    by Squashua

    Havanegila!

  • June 3, 2008, 10:37 a.m. CST

    “The Onion” jumped the shark…

    by darthvedder81

    after 9/11 when they turned themselves into a left-wing/”Daily Show” style outlet. I used to read the Onion 10-12 years ago when it was mostly just absurdist comedy (and a lot funnier). Also, the “AV Club” writers are extremely pretentious and annoying.

  • June 3, 2008, 10:39 a.m. CST

    The news articles are fake??

    by Snookeroo

    Damn.

  • June 3, 2008, 10:40 a.m. CST

    Damn You Michael Bay

    by MCMLXXVI

    Damn You Michael Bay

  • June 3, 2008, 10:43 a.m. CST

    darthvedder81

    by Knuckleduster

    Maybe it’s because, after 9/11, the right-wingers became so absurd.<p> Ooooh, let’s see if we can turn this into yet another political talkback.

  • June 3, 2008, 10:44 a.m. CST

    If the movie is half as funny as the reivew, I’m there.

    by rbatty024

    That review just about killed me. “Your move, ass.” Classic. Fucking classic.

  • June 3, 2008, 10:45 a.m. CST

    Vern

    by Knuckleduster

    Have you seen Seagal’s Orange commercial? Well, of course you have. Pretty funny.

  • June 3, 2008, 10:48 a.m. CST

    No obit on Bo Diddley?

    by jack-torrance

    His cameo in Trading Places was legendary! “Burnt my fingers, man!”

  • June 3, 2008, 10:51 a.m. CST

    This is guranteed to be the longest review for this film anywher

    by Fart_Master_Flex

    Yup.

  • June 3, 2008, 10:52 a.m. CST

    It’s alright.

    by beastie

    Worth a rent. I don’t smoke up (or “smoke-out” or however it goes) but I bet it’s a hell of a lot funnier stoned. I wish I had been drinking when I watched. Nope I was sober and I don’t think the filmmakers were and that’s the problem. Gotta be on the same level.

  • June 3, 2008, 10:52 a.m. CST

    Must admit . . .

    by Nice Marmot

    . . . I laughed out loud at Vern’s description of the “Armed Gunman” bit.

  • June 3, 2008, 11:03 a.m. CST

    Glad to hear it’s got some funny bits…

    by KillDozer

    seemed like most of their office was pretty embarrassed by how this turned out.

  • June 3, 2008, 11:07 a.m. CST

    The trailer SUCKED.

    by Mosquito March

    I couldn’t believe how forced and amateurish it seemed. It actually made me lose a little respect for The Onion. They can do so much better.

  • June 3, 2008, 11:08 a.m. CST

    favorite onion newstory…

    by doodah

    pacman jones- “who does i have to kill to get reinstated into the nfl”

  • June 3, 2008, 11:09 a.m. CST

    Anyone else offended by that headline?

    by Iowa Snot Client

    I mean, what are we supposed to infer from “peels?”

  • June 3, 2008, 11:10 a.m. CST

    Vern’s desciption makes it sound funnier.

    by beastie

    The Armed Gunman skit would have been funnier with a better director.

  • June 3, 2008, 11:18 a.m. CST

    I don’t like the Onion

    by Series7

    Nor The Daily Colbert Report Show. I just don’t find any of that funny anymore. Its just boring now. And since 99% of it is just LOOK BUSH SUCKS! Its just lame and all of it is overly pretentious. I never understood its mass appeal. Its like for people who enjoy comedy but consider themselves too good for dick and fart jokes. Especially since Stewart used to be a huge stoner, now he’s someone even mom likes. <P> As for Seagal, after trying his energry drink, I’ve just been left with a bad taste in my mouth. And isn’t this movie just the Half Hour News Show on Fox News?

  • June 3, 2008, 11:23 a.m. CST

    Where is Smoove B?

    by James_O’Nasty

    Is he in there?

  • June 3, 2008, 11:24 a.m. CST

    Wow. Somebody sure does love Seagal.

    by EriamJH

    Horrifying. Truly horrifying.

  • June 3, 2008, 11:26 a.m. CST

    The Onion?

    by Annie The Pod Racer

    Let’s Get Some Shoes, betch…

  • June 3, 2008, 11:38 a.m. CST

    No love for “Loose Shoes”?

    by Drunken Rage

  • June 3, 2008, 11:42 a.m. CST

    series 7

    by Vern

    I don’t read/view any of those things on a daily basis, but seriously, you think 99% is just “LOOK BUSH SUCKS!”? Do they even talk about that prick anymore? I don’t even see him on the real news that much. Well, if it helps I don’t believe Bush is in this movie at all. You said that you prefer fart and dick jokes, there are not fart jokes but of course the dick comes up alot with the whole COCK PUNCHER deal. So I recommend this movie to you.<p>

    One thing I meant to mention: I saw an ad on TV for MEET THE SPARTANS and at the end they tagged on a little “also, THE ONION MOVIE!” So everyone out there who is involved in some sort of highly successful endeavor, just think of that ad as a possible outcome when you are about to start adapting whatever it is you do into a motion picture.

  • June 3, 2008, 11:46 a.m. CST

    this just made me laugh

    by Bouncy X

    “In the intervening years he has not specifically dealt with punching the cock but he has certainly escalated his War On Balls”

    you a funny man.

  • June 3, 2008, 11:54 a.m. CST

    Vern rules

    by WMD

    seriously, magnificent review – this is why mainstream media film reviewers are dying on the vine!

  • June 3, 2008, 11:54 a.m. CST

    Node

    by Abominable Snowcone

    You’re shitting us, right?

  • June 3, 2008, 11:57 a.m. CST

    He’s NOT kidding

    by Abominable Snowcone

    The Gillette Fusion Power razor has 5 count’em 5 blades. And probably runs on gasoline

  • June 3, 2008, 11:58 a.m. CST

    Vern

    by Series7

    Well if it’s not 99% Bush sucks anymore thats probably because I haven’t looked into those things for a while. Its not that dick and fart jokes are my favorite, its just that half the stuff on the Daily/Onion/Report are just as juvenile, but the people I know who read the Onion religiously or watch Show/Report every day act like they are too good for Dick and fart jokes. Plus I just hate how all these outlets do is try to raise awarness and pretty much point the finger and laugh, but never really do any good. They could use their outlets to do so much more, instead they like to sit around and think about how witty they are. I mean when Colbert was trying to run for President in South Carolina or whatever, it was retarded and sad. But it made front page news in South Carolina. All in all, it just not my type of comedy (I am sure the Onion movie is pretty juvenile though) and I’d rather see these talented comedians do something more interesting then just political humor, but then again it is easier then creating something original.

  • June 3, 2008, 11:59 a.m. CST

    It has batteries

    by Abominable Snowcone

    what the fuck does a disposable razor need batteries for? And if a razor can’t shave me well enough with two blades, then fuckit

  • June 3, 2008, 12:04 p.m. CST

    i want this to work

    by LegoKenobi

    but i think they are probably better sticking to spoofing print media and video shorts. these two are HILARIOUS: http://tinyurl.com/6b86ar, http://tinyurl.com/5qplha.

  • June 3, 2008, 12:08 p.m. CST

    The Onion video podcasts are hilarious

    by BusDriverStu

    I figured this would suck though.

  • June 3, 2008, 12:17 p.m. CST

    I’d like to know what’s Vern’s take on…

    by GenericGeek

    …the funny Mountain Dew commercials where Mr. Seagal unknowingly (?) beats up some punks in a convenience store. Good comedy or bad? Or is this covered in the book (which I intend to buy anyways)?

  • June 3, 2008, 12:27 p.m. CST

    Battery-operated disposable razors.

    by tonagan

    I tried one once, and all it did was make my hand numb from the vibration. How does that help? (I know there’s some sort of ribald joke in there, but I’m too tired to figure it out…)

  • June 3, 2008, 12:31 p.m. CST

    I love my 5-blade Gilette Fusion Mach Motherfucker 10 Power Exce

    by beastie

    Really, I do like it. I wanted to try it because I want to try everything new, but it really does work well.

  • June 3, 2008, 12:32 p.m. CST

    “The Onion” started here in Madison

    by Turd Furgusen

    Great Review as always Vern. I’ve been watching this develop for a while. <p>

    When my parents brought me to college in Madison there was an “Onion” front page story about Bush Sr. having a huge erection at a U.N. speech complete with pictures. My parents bought it hook line and sinker. I’ve been reading it ever since.<p>

    BTW, for some of you posters, you can thank “The Onion” for “The Daily Show”. Writers for that show got their start at “The Onion”.

  • June 3, 2008, 12:33 p.m. CST

    Wait, I got your book last week

    by Frightreviews

    They are breaking street date!

  • June 3, 2008, 12:35 p.m. CST

    I find THE ONION to be funny as fuck.

    by Gilkuliehe

    That piece of news about the guy accidently shutting down the Internet is hilarious.

  • June 3, 2008, 12:38 p.m. CST

    I’ve never seen a whole MadTV but was flipping channels

    by jim

    one night many years ago and watched a skit they did about a new razor. It had 27 blades and worked like a cheese grater for the face.

  • June 3, 2008, 12:40 p.m. CST

    Anyone who says the Daily Show…

    by Bobo_Vision

    …or Colbert Report should do something real to create change instead of making jokes, I quote Jon Stewart’s response to Tucker Carlson when asked why Stewart didn’t ask John Kerry any tough questions: <p> “Our lead-in show is a bunch of puppets making crank calls. I don’t think CNN should be taking its cues from a comedy show”…or something to that effect. <p> Its parody. They parody whatever is topical currently or whichever administration is in power, and since that has been the Bush administration for the last 8 years, that would be a valid subject to lampoon. I’m guessing its only a matter of time before some Americans suggest changing to the name of “onions” in the supermarket, to “freedoms”.

  • June 3, 2008, 12:41 p.m. CST

    Onions aren’t vegetables.

    by ZeroCorpse

    They’re herbs. Someone named “Vern” should know that. I mean, that is a farmer’s name, right?

  • June 3, 2008, 12:44 p.m. CST

    So it’s no “Amazon Women on the Moon”, huh?

    by ZeroCorpse

    I think this style of film is pretty much dead. The Onion is funny, and their Onion News Network is pretty damn funny at times, but stretching it out to movie-length might be painful.

  • June 3, 2008, 12:52 p.m. CST

    The Onion website site is only intermittingly funny

    by TallBoy66

    So it makes sense the movie would do the same, but more suck.

  • June 3, 2008, 12:52 p.m. CST

    GenericGeek

    by Vern

    The Mountain Dew commercial is mildly amusing. I don’t know, the “celebrity who is normally serious being funny” thing is kind of cheap. I would rather see him be serious and if the movie is one of his more absurd ones it’s gonna be funnier than the Mountain Dew commercial anyway. But I got nothing against it, I laughed a little when it first came on.

  • June 3, 2008, 12:58 p.m. CST

    Extra blades don’t even do anything!

    by Guy Who Got A Headache And Accidentally Saves The World

    Whats the point!? A single double edged razor does the job just fine, better actually. It’s like we’re still living in the age of magic cure all tonics!

  • June 3, 2008, 1:01 p.m. CST

    The Daily Show sucks now

    by fastcars

    Lame, unfocused, unfunny, full of mugging, ugh. I went from looking forward to it every night to not caring if I miss it. There’s bigger laughs (and sharper satire) in the first three minutes of The Colbert Report, which is consistently hilarious (and in its prime). To dismiss either one as “90% saying Bush sucks” is absurd. As for The Onion, its still funny, but I’ll pass on the movie.

  • June 3, 2008, 1:02 p.m. CST

    Reading this talkback you’d think we got an influx of rookies

    by Guy Who Got A Headache And Accidentally Saves The World

    sometime around here recently. Fucking ignoramouses, this isn’t your fucking 4chan or where ever the hell you came from, we’ve got a code of honor to our assholery here. It’s a small almost negligible one but we’ve got it. Yes, Vern uses a geocities website. Yes he likes Steven Seagal, and yes his name is “vern.” Yeah, we all think it’s REAL clever and original when you insult him on these matters, because everyone who posts reviews here should only talk about the exact same shit in the exact same way. Get with the program you fucking dipshits.

  • June 3, 2008, 1:07 p.m. CST

    Sgt. Al Powell is in a Zaxby’s commercial…

    by Alonzo Mosely

    They should continue the theme. I am sure Ellis and at least one of the agent Johnsons are available…

  • June 3, 2008, 1:32 p.m. CST

    THIS MOVIE”S LAME… but the articles are funny

    by eoneon

    i saw clips from the movie….wow! reminded me of that underground comedy movie.it wanted to be funny but for the most part wasn’t. one of my fave onion posts was about the spiking prices of vowels on wheel of fortune because they know the contestants really need them and they can price gouge. very original there.i used to love the onion clips played on the howard stern show back in the terrestrial radio days too

  • June 3, 2008, 1:33 p.m. CST

    I’ll probably end up buying this one

    by Nico Toscani

    I own all of Seagal’s other movies, including Clementine, so I don’t want my collection to be incomplete.

  • June 3, 2008, 1:35 p.m. CST

    The last good news parody show was . . .

    by Nico Toscani

    Not Necessarily the News. Everything else is a pretender to the throne! The ORIGINAL HBO original series.

  • June 3, 2008, 1:41 p.m. CST

    Believe it or not, Clooney was attached…

    by Turd Furgusen

    years ago. It’s the trufth!<p>

    Ask Smoove B.

  • June 3, 2008, 1:46 p.m. CST

    cockpuncher!

    by cheifchirpa3000

    very fnny movie! just like kentucky fried movie or amazon women on the moon.

  • June 3, 2008, 1:47 p.m. CST

    I watched it.. it was OK

    by Razorback

    I would compare it to “Amazon Women on the Moon” except that it is only 1/3 as good. The whole thing about the role playing dude is awful. The movie drags at points and every now and then is as bad as “Meet the Spartans.” Though, it also has moments where it is “Amazon” good.

  • June 3, 2008, 1:48 p.m. CST

    So when’s a Hee-Haw movie coming?

    by Spandau Belly

    Or are they going to skip right to a franchise mash-up like Hee-Haw Versus Blue Collar Comedy Tour: Requiem, or something.

  • June 3, 2008, 1:54 p.m. CST

    Cock Puncher is a cool name for a band.

    by DerLanghaarige

    Yep, I’m gonna call my band Cock Puncher.

  • June 3, 2008, 1:55 p.m. CST

    Fistful Of Yen

    by skimn

    A parody classic! Was this directed by John Landis? I’m too lazy to check IMDB.

  • June 3, 2008, 2:01 p.m. CST

    I downloaded it and deleted it in spite

    by hatespeech

    My hard drive died shortly afterwards.

  • June 3, 2008, 2:06 p.m. CST

    Thanks for the answer, Vern!

    by GenericGeek

    I think it can only help when a tough guy shows that he can laugh about himself, so I dug those Dew ads. Anyway, great review, as usual.

  • June 3, 2008, 2:07 p.m. CST

    The Armed Robber skit sounds familiar

    by jim

    or maybe its just the sort of thing Monty Python would have done, but didn’t actually do.

  • June 3, 2008, 2:27 p.m. CST

    CockPuncher is Segals best since Under Siege

    by pokadoo

    Make that movie now, Steven Segal!! Also, the Armed Gunman sketch appealed to me a lot. But I also found Pootie Tang hilarious, so maybe it’s just me. The films a bit more hit/miss than the t’internet Onion skits, but then they only last a few seconds. For fans wanting a Brass Eye/Kentucky Fried Movie hybrid. Who also like the Onion. And aren’t fussy.

  • June 3, 2008, 2:33 p.m. CST

    spaceman was also funny as hell

    by cheifchirpa3000

    i think it as made by the onion editor in like 97 or 99. so fucking funny.

  • June 3, 2008, 2:50 p.m. CST

    Node32774

    by blindambition238

    That Gilette article actually reminds me of a funny MadtTv skit where some company comes out with the Mach 27 Shaving Razor and everyone in the commercial ends up looking like the invisible man after they use it. <p> Ah yes, the 90s… (wistfully rubs with indexy finger and thumb chin)

  • June 3, 2008, 2:51 p.m. CST

    er that should say “wistfully rubs chin with index finger and th

    by blindambition238

    but sometimes I do rub my with indexy finger and thumb chin (Im typing from Chernobyl obviously)

  • June 3, 2008, 5:21 p.m. CST

    Left wing or not, The Onion’s best headline remains

    by Boromir

    the one they published after Jenna Bush’s drunken frat party escapades:

    “Jenna Bush’s Federally-Protected Wetlands Now Open For Drilling”

    The second-best on is no longer available in the archives either, as near as I can tell. Self-explanatory if you’re a true geek:

    “Bill Gates Grants Self 18 Dexterity, 20 Charisma”

    The Onion deserve immortal status for those headline alone.

  • June 3, 2008, 5:27 p.m. CST

    THE GROOVE TUBE

    by tensticks

  • June 3, 2008, 5:27 p.m. CST

    THE GROOVE TUBE

    by tensticks

    Just because no one else has said it yet. At least in the headlines.

  • June 3, 2008, 5:56 p.m. CST

    Series7

    by BadMrWonka

    if you don’t laugh at the Onion, or the Daily Show/Colbert Show, I feel truly sorry for you. what on earth DO you laugh at? Autopsy videos?

  • June 3, 2008, 5:57 p.m. CST

    Developmentally Disabled Burger King Employee

    by cripeman

    Only Competent Worker

    tee hee

  • June 3, 2008, 6:31 p.m. CST

    Where is Vern’s number 1 fan?

    by mrfan

    Where is gothamnight?

  • June 3, 2008, 7:02 p.m. CST

    The ONION on youtube is hilarious…

    by benito

    If the movie were half as clever it’d be a classic.

  • June 3, 2008, 7:17 p.m. CST

    HOLY SHIT

    by benito

  • June 3, 2008, 7:23 p.m. CST

    “Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race Of Skeleton People”

    by Anti-fanboy

    I loved The Onion… haven’t been there in a while, though I saw where Kornfeld bought it and I was bummed. That guy kept it real, fo shizzle.

  • June 3, 2008, 7:46 p.m. CST

    “Area Man Applauds Onion Movie, Severely Beaten”

    by MrMysteryGuest

  • June 3, 2008, 7:46 p.m. CST

    Tunnel Vision, The Groove Tube, Loose Shoes

    by Napoleon Park

    Kentucky Fried Movie, Amazon Women On The Moon,<p>Several of the early Firesign Theatre albums. Proctor and Bergman’s “TV Or Not TV” LP was a day in the life of a TV station from sign-on to sermonette; practically the prototype for SCTV.

  • June 3, 2008, 7:48 p.m. CST

    Are the articles here like the talkbacks…

    by Napoleon Park

    Where typos and flubs can’t be fixed once they’re posted? Or is “websight” supposed to be a joke?

  • June 3, 2008, 7:52 p.m. CST

    HOLY SHIT! Man Walks on Fucking Moon!

    by MrMysteryGuest

  • June 3, 2008, 7:54 p.m. CST

    Not Necessarily The News

    by Napoleon Park

    Someone referred to “Not Necessarily The News” as “the original HBO series”. I’m not sure what was meant by that so I won’t try to contradict or correct it. Was it HBO’s first non-movie ongoing series? it wasn’t TV’s first news parody program – there was “That Was The Week That Was” in the ’60s, for example. And I don’t believe it was AN HBO original series. well, that version was, but I seem to recall it was a remake of a British series called “Not Necessarily The Six O’Clock News”. “Not Necessarily The News” was pretty funny, though, and I thought Lucy webb was sexy.

  • June 3, 2008, 8:12 p.m. CST

    BadMrWonka

    by Series7

    I just don’t find people mugging at their own wittiness to be funny. See some of those shows Napoleon Park I think are funny like Not the Nine O’clock news. I mean I can see where they are funny, but the same shit day in and day out, I prefer to watch Letterman/Kimmel/Conan instead. Plus every co-anchor on the Daily Show is funnier then Jon, maybe if Rob Riggle ran the show…

  • June 3, 2008, 9:07 p.m. CST

    Special Olympics T-Ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game

    by ButtfuckZydeco

  • June 3, 2008, 9:13 p.m. CST

    Love The Onion, but this just sounds bad…

    by br1947

    I’d rather see “The Darwin Awards: The Movie”. Jackass was pretty close to that tho… too bad they didn’t finish the job.

  • June 3, 2008, 9:42 p.m. CST

    Best onion headline/picture

    by g-ride9000

    a picture of anna nicole smith’s freshly filled grave.<P><P>the headline reads:<P>Anna Nicole Smith finally reaches goal weight.

  • June 4, 2008, 12:10 a.m. CST

    Damn You, Damn You Michael Bay Guy…

    by rhett beavers

    Damn You, Damn You Michael Bay Guy…

  • June 4, 2008, 2:15 a.m. CST

    as long as we’re off topic

    by Vern

    I am dying to mention to somebody that SHO KOSUGI is in the upcoming Wachowski production NINJA ASSASSIN. That’s right, the guy who is in all those NINJA movies is in a new movie with the word NINJA in the title. This was mentioned in a press release/plot summary thing but I haven’t seen anybody make a big deal out of it or seem to notice. So here I am, making a big deal out of it and noticing it.

  • June 4, 2008, 2:25 a.m. CST

    Jon Stewart Makes Too Many Faces

    by christian66

    And the audience laughs like stoned hyenas. It’s not funny, kids.

  • June 4, 2008, 3 a.m. CST

    this was a funny movie, anyone who disagrees is a taffy eating n

    by angrykirby.tk

    I saw it, it was funny, some skits bomb others are excellent. the terrorist thing was really funy, in heaven you’ll get pussy, 35 u.s. dollars and a bag of pot, sweet!

  • June 4, 2008, 8:34 a.m. CST

    christian66

    by Series7

    So true. All he does is read some head line or news story and then just looks bewildered, I don’t need some self rightious former stoner turned family friendly comedian telling me people do dumb things. And all Colbert does is read something and then yells how good he is. The funniest things about Colbert is that he makes his guest sit down and he walks to them (thats a new level of arrogance) and the bit he does every night that he stole from Weekend Update… The Word.

  • June 4, 2008, 11:47 a.m. CST

    Sho Kosugi! Now that is news

    by Lone_Wolf_McQuaalude

    ‘Revenge of the Ninja’ is fantastic. Still got the theatrical poster hanging in my house. Nice.

  • June 4, 2008, 1:19 p.m. CST

    Sho Kosugi is the man!

    by Nico Toscani

    That is fucking awesome Vern! Thanks for the heads-up.

  • June 4, 2008, 1:28 p.m. CST

    series

    by Vern

    I’m pretty sure you don’t understand the premise of the Colbert Report. It is also clear that you are not very familiar with either of these shows.<p> It’s cool man, I don’t think you would like them anyway, let’s just move on. There are many things I don’t understand the popularity of either. But Sho Kosugi is not one of them. Welcome back Sho Kosugi.

  • June 4, 2008, 2:37 p.m. CST

    Like it was yesterday

    by edshrinker

    Sitting in class in Van Hise, having the instructor tell us to put away The Onion during class.<p>

    The day the new Onion paper came out was always a day to be looked forward to in Madison (BS ’94). The “real” newsrag (Badger Herald) never actually disrupted class like The Onion did, snickers and laughs from the back of lecture hall as you ignored the lecture and read the paper…<p>

    Ah….memories<p>

    Still haven’t been to the Kohl Center ( I helped build w/ tuition) in the 10 years it has been up. I hear it is the best venue in the Big Ten.

  • June 4, 2008, 2:42 p.m. CST

    And Fistful of Yen

    by edshrinker

    Was a part of the Kentucky Fried Movie…if memory serves

  • June 4, 2008, 2:50 p.m. CST

    Best Coffee Table Book…ever

    by edshrinker

    Our Dumb World<p>

    The Onion Atlas of the World <p>

    I still haven’t finished reading it, but so far, the laughs are plenty.

  • June 4, 2008, 3:28 p.m. CST

    Vern

    by Series7

    No I get the point of the Colbert report. I just don’t find it that funny. Different strokes for different folks. Its just when it comes to politics and stuff I feel like more radical things need to happen for anything to ever change. Things like Colbert/Daily/Onion just almost make it seem ok, because at the end of the day we can always just laugh at it. And the word is just a shorted version of weekend update, except instead of pictures its words, its the same gag, just Colbert sometimes stays with a topic more then one joke. <P> As for Jon, I don’t know much about how he got his start on MTV and all, but I caught an old Howard Stern TV interview of him and he was baked pretty hard and very just mellow and doopey. Now he’s some high strung schmuck.

  • June 4, 2008, 4:12 p.m. CST

    A book abour Seagal

    by hst666

    Why??? He is a horrible actor and from a few reports kind of a prick to work with.

  • June 4, 2008, 4:14 p.m. CST

    Listen here Vern, I love you like a son but don’t

    by Stuntcock Mike

    ever call wah wah guitar a “crutch” again dammit. Carry on.

  • June 4, 2008, 6:47 p.m. CST

    Series, I gotta go with Vern on this one…

    by BadMrWonka

    if you say that Colbert is “chuckling at his own witiness” or whatever…that is ridiculous. of COURSE he’s doing that, he’s mocking people who ACTUALLY do that.<p>I mean, you sound smart enough to get that, but if so, how on earth can you not get it? it’s a conundrum.<p>the Late Show funnier than daily show/colbert? I love letterman an all, but the Colbert report is pure chuckles, non-stop.

  • June 4, 2008, 6:58 p.m. CST

    Eyewitness News

    by Shan

    … is the sketch at the end of Kentucky Fried Movie. That plus Catholic High School Girls in Trouble … They don’t make sketch comedy like that anymore …

  • June 4, 2008, 8:15 p.m. CST

    SHO KOSUGI

    by Anti-fanboy

    I idolized him as a kid. Welcome back, indeed. Thanks, Vern.

  • June 4, 2008, 8:49 p.m. CST

    Series7

    by Super Nintendo Chalmers

    We get it, you don’t like the Daily Show. What the fuck does that have to do with the Onion? What exactly is liberal about “Anthropomorphic Juice Pitcher Among Dead in Jonestown Cult Suicide,” or “US Troops Pull Out Of Vietnamese Peasant Girl” or “Kitten Thinks of Nothing But Murder All Day?” I have this weeks Onion right here (because we still get a paper copy here in Milwaukee) and the main headline is making fun of Obama. Get over yourself and stop criticizing something you admit you don’t even read.

  • June 4, 2008, 8:53 p.m. CST

    Sho Kusugi

    by Super Nintendo Chalmers

    Looking at his IMDB listing, I have to say that “Rage of Honor” is a cool-ass title for a movie.

  • June 4, 2008, 10:38 p.m. CST

    The Daily Show

    by Nico Toscani

    I actually thought The Daily Show was funny when Craig Kilborn was the host.

  • June 5, 2008, 12:31 a.m. CST

    Super Nintendo Chalmers

    by Series7

    I think the Family Guy skit pretty much sums up why I don’t like the Onion. The one where Brian calls Stewey out for quoting something from the Onion. I guess you could say I dislike the people that read the Onion and act like its the end all what ever its late I’ve been up since 7 two job day. Don’t care anymore you win all political comedy news sources are comedy at its peak.

  • June 5, 2008, 12:58 a.m. CST

    Oh and fun fact to tell your friends

    by Series7

    Colbert and I share the same birth city. Though for the longest time I thought he was a kanuck (i could have swore it said that on IMDB) and could not understand why he had an American political news show. Then I heard he was from the great state of Washington D.C. It wasn’t until reading one of the free 13 weeks of the The Post and Courier the ole Piggly Wiggly thought they should buy me some time second half of last year that I find out the Colbster is actually a Charles Town native. And I still couldn’t muster up the courage to actively engage in his comedy.

  • June 5, 2008, 4:17 a.m. CST

    if it makes you feel better

    by Vern

    Family Guy is one of those things I can’t understand the popularity of. So let us be content in knowing that you hate a thing I sometimes watch and I hate a thing you sometimes quote.<p>

    In summary, THE ONION MOVIE is pretty bad but surprisingly good in parts, Sho Kosugi will be making a triumphant return to the big screen after an absence of about 15 years, and some guy wants to know why there is a book about Steven Seagal. Well hst666 if you got a better idea what I should write a book about I will travel back in time and write that book instead. Just because you asked so nicely.

  • June 5, 2008, 7:51 a.m. CST

    I guess that helps heal my vag.

    by Series7

    Like I was thinking about my problem with all these silly political outlets and why they pissed me off so much, and I realized that I was just going to come off like that stupid Fred Armisen SNL character who is so fed up about the news he can’t get a complete competent thought out. I realized that it was going to be pointless to try to argue because I couldn’t voice what makes me so mad. So I’ll agree to disagree.

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 3rd, 2008 at 10:14 am and is filed under AICN, Comedy/Laffs, Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

3 Responses to “Vern Peels THE ONION MOVIE!!”

  1. Just saw this, not going to watch it a second time because it’s not all that great but I did laugh a fair few times and in this day and age that’s probably the best you can hope for from this kind of crap.

    But if you look here:
    http://www.amazon.co.uk/News-Movie-DVD-Len-Cariou/dp/B001BADN1G/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1267205727&sr=8-1
    You will see it has been retitled NEWS MOVIE in the UK and given a “lol midgets”/”Big Red writing on white background=comedy” cover to cash in on the Friedberg/Seltzer (EPIC MOVIE etc.) wave of junk. The film may not be great, but it doesn’t deserve that fate.

  2. The thing about this movie is that it’s a lot like the Onion newspaper. The joke is made pretty much immediately, but then the story keeps goins and gradually gets less funny as they keep trying to milk a few more laughs out of it. Most of the skits here go on about three scenes too many. On the other hand, the initial joke is usually pretty great. There are a couple genuinely clever things in here which in the hands of a better editer and director might have made it cinema-worthy. Vern pointed out a few above and I also really like the “little-known stereotypes” bit, which seems like it could have been on the the Chappelle Show (which I consider to be a huge compliment). And the whole thing is worth it for the cooking bit that comes at the very end. But probaly out can watch the best parts on Youtube anyway.

  3. Just saw this for the first time in forever, and it’s definitely not as funny as I remember it being. Maybe you have to be really high to enjoy it, otherwise it really does seem like a typical episode of SNL, where the skits go on about twice as long as they should. I did have a really hard time telling when this was made, as the Britney Spears joke seems like something from the late 90s, while the terrorism subplot is obviously post 9/11. I did think it was funny that a pre-fame Kevin Federline played one of Melissa Cherry’s backup dancers though. (Also Daniel Dae Kim from Lost and Joel McHale, and Oscar winner Jim Rash!)

    Oh but one thing about watching it again w/ a clear head – you do appreciate the pretty intricate script (by the guy who wrote The Wrestler!) The way everything ties in together, and the “world-building” (can’t believe I’m using that word here) is actually pretty impressive.

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