This is kind of a misleading title because really it is about ugly drooling guys sitting around in their underwear getting drunk and wishing they could have violent sex with neighbors that won’t even talk to them and that kind of business. Which, in my opinion, is not all that happy. You know how Hollywood usually pretties everybody up? Like even the criminal element in motion pictures, most of the time they are a LOT better looking than anybody I ever worked with. And the same goes for stories, if it’s a true story chances are they’re gonna streamline it, water it down a little, gussy it up a little, make it look nice “for dramatic purposes.” But the truth is there are a lot of ugly motherfuckers in this world, and they do a lot of ugly things, like some of them call up women in the phone book and jack off while they talk about “I’m gonna fuck you so hard you’re gonna come out your ears” and what not, and coincidentally that is exactly what this picture is about, Happiness. (read the rest of this shit…)
Happiness
Goodbye, 20th Century
Well what do you know there are alot of individuals out there who think Vern is an ignorant fuck. He doesn’t know the films of World Cinema, only the latest hollywood crap or at best, the art house darlings. And I mean yeah, most of those individuals are right.
HOWEVER, I must point out that this is my second review IN A ROW of a movie that’s not in English. And this time, most of you motherfuckers probaly haven’t even HEARD of this movie. I mean how many of you could even NAME a movie from Macedonia, let alone review one? (read the rest of this shit…)
Pulp Fiction
Shit man I really can’t believe nobody told me about this movie! I’m out of the picture for most of the ’90s and all the sudden Bruce is in a classic film that is NOT a Die Hard!
This is the story of Butch Coolidge, a boxer who gets mixed up with a crime boss named Marcellus Wallace. Marcellus pays Bruce to throw a fight. Word spreads that the fix is on and the odds get out of control. Butch and his buddy in Tennessee make huge bets on the fight and then instead of throwing it, he beats the other dude to death.
He flees to a hotel to hook up with his lady friend Fabian who is French I believe. This scene is a study in contrasts because we see that this bad motherfucker who beats a man to death comes home to his lady and gets all cute on us. They’re all baby talking, rolling around on the bed snuggling and talking about “give me oral pleasure,” “will you kiss it,” etc., It’s so true to life it’s embarrassing to watch. (read the rest of this shit…)
The Executioner, Part II
When I brought THE EXTERMINATOR back to the video store I went to the action section and grabbed part 2. But it was a VHS box and the cover was just a picture of Mario Van Peebles wearing a ROAD WARRIOR type outfit, so for a second I thought I grabbed the wrong one, so then I picked up the other one next to it with the badass painted cover that seemed more right than the Van Peebles one.
But wait a minute, this is THE EXECUTIONER PART 2, not THE EXTERMINATOR 2. Where’s THE EXECUTIONER PART 1? I didn’t see one. But I decided to rent part 2 anyway. (read the rest of this shit…)
Romeo Is Bleeding
This is one of the ’90s crime pictures I had to catch up on. It came out in ’93, the year after Reservoir Dogs so it probaly just missed the raising of the standards. If it came out in the ’80s it would have seemed a little better but since then we’ve had a whole lot of far superior crime pictures and neo-noir type creations. This has the slick feel of a True Romance and the nihilistic attitude of a True Romance, but not the characterization of a Reservoir Dogs or the strong themes of honor and betrayal of a Reservoir Dogs.
Gary Oldman plays Jack Romeo (well they didn’t call him that in the movie but I’ve decided Romeo is his last name, you got a problem with that asshole? I didn’t think so) a police sergeant who, even if he wasn’t a police sergeant, would have almost no redeeming qualities. Now I think Gary Oldman is a great actor judging from what I’ve seen of him in the fifth element and the true romance. But I mean jesus. This is a guy who can play characters with no soul, no heart, pure evil. He is a great villain. But he is not a good anti-hero or everyman who you want to follow into the dark side. And we’re not going to feel sorry for him. If this movie was going to work it would have needed someone who could invest the character with some type of infectious charisma that would make you want to side with a fucking dirty pig asswipe like Jack Romeo. (read the rest of this shit…)
Another Day in Paradise
This is another happy delighty type of business, or surprise, like Maniac. Because I hadn’t heard jack shit about this picture being good and it turns out to be something very special. You see it is a crime picture about some junkie thieves who train some young junkie thieves to steal stuff, and the twist is, they are a gang who shoots up and goes on heists.
Well, I guess special isn’t maybe the right word, because it is formula genre type stuff, but this is a good crime picture because the acting and photographical worksmanship and the music and what not are all top notch and this one just really holds together. (read the rest of this shit…)
All About Eve and Three Faces of Eve
Here I am trying to better myself, trying to educated myself about the films of Cinema and I see that these two both get five star reviews from a lot of critics and hell they’re playing them back to back on AMC I’m thinking hey, the Eve series must be a pretty good series. And it is.
All about Eve is a very well made story about the New York theater type people – actors, producers, writers, columnists, wannabes. The Eve of the title is this young naive girl who’s a dedicated fan who goes to meet the famous actress Margot Channing. She doesn’t want to impose on her, she’s not some autograph seeker, but she’s seen every performance of this play so Margot’s best friend brings her backstage and before you know it she’s Margot’s assistant. And of course the movie depicts her rise from being this naive nobody to being an acclaimed but self centered actress like Margot. If you’ve seen Showgirls this is the same type of deal except without the swimming pool sex scene, otherwise it remains very faithful though. (read the rest of this shit…)
Drugstore Cowboy
If you want a good picture about junkies this is it. This is not a western like you may think it is the story of Matt Dillon, his lady and another couple who travel the Pacific Northwest region knocking down drugstores to score various pharmaceuticals. As someone who has known these type of people I can GUARANTEE you they do not have prescriptions for these items. They are addicts.
What I like about this one in my opinion is that it is an anti drug movie that doesn’t stack the deck. It makes it clear that drugs are fun when you are doing them, they make the world happy and the cowboy lifestyle as they call it is exciting. So then after being honest it goes on to deal with the negative side. (read the rest of this shit…)
Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs
Well, in the tradition of Scream 3 I have been watching bad sequels to movies I haven’t even seen in the first place. This is the sequel to Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine which is supposedly a good “spy spoof.” What a spy spoof is for those of you who are too young, they used to have movies like James Bond 007, which is about a secret agent who gets laid ALL the time and goes on adventures around the world and what not, with little devices and what not. You know what I mean. So these james bond pictures were so popular that spy spoofs became a pretty huge genre. What they are is they are in the same style as James Bond but they are a little more campy and fun, more entertaining, funnier, sexier, better, etc. But sometimes you can also take them kind of seriously even though they’re mostly for laughs. For example the best one was the Flint pictures, Our Man Flint and In Like Flint starring James Coburn one of the few who I would want to play me in a movie. This guy is also in 1998 Oscar winner Affliction and 1999 Outlaw Award Winner Payback. Anyway Derek Flint is this secret agent who has a team of beautiful gals working for him, and he flies around the country to teach ballet, he is a master of karate and can meditate so deeply his heart stops. And he has to stop a plan about this evil cold cream I believe. Well I don’t know man, it’s hard to explain to you kids with no context, you don’t know what james bond is obviously you’re not gonna know what the fuck a spy spoof would be like. Sorry. (read the rest of this shit…)
Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story
As I have said before many times the Bruces are some of the best action stars in my opinion: Bruce Willis, Bruce Campbell, and in this case one Mr. Bruce Lee star of Enter the Dragon and The Chinese Connection etc.
There have been many fine biographies of this particular Bruce, among them Bruce Lee: The Man the Myth starring Bruce Li, who also starred in one called Dragon Story. In The Man the Myth Bruce is depicted as a nationalist always out to prove the superiority of chinese kung fu over thai boxing, japanese karate, and fat Italian-American guys. Bruce Li at times looks similar to Bruce Lee although the karate or kung fu I guess is not as good. He has a good haircut and pants in my opinion but still does not capture the essence of the man. (read the rest of this shit…)
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