"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

How to Make a Monster (2001)

Some of you will wonder why I choose to watch this kind of crap. The answer is because of the French.

This one is from a series of movies made for cable called Creature Features. They have special effecting by Stan Winston (director of A GNOME NAMED GNORM) and are all based on the premises or titles of old movies produced by Samuel Z. Arkoff. They got SHE-MONSTER, DAN AYCKROYD VS. SPIDERMAN and many others. The one I’m waiting for is actually TEENAGE CAVEMAN directed by Larry Clark, the pervert who did KIDS and BULLY and ANOTHER DAY IN PARADISE where the main kid wears his pants so low you can see his fuckin pubes. Jesus, Larry! (read the rest of this shit…)

June 12th, 2002 | 1 Comment »

SIFF: OUTLAW VERN Sees PISTOL OPERA and MISSING PERSONS!!

Hey, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab.

I’m giddy. I get to publish reviews by Outlaw Vern and Clarence Beaks, two of my favorite AICN contributors, in the same day. Vern’s in Seattle, checking out the scene at the Seattle International Film Festival, and has the following report to file:

Dear Harry and Moriarty,

Vern here. I saw two more movies at SIFF and here is what they are.

MISSING PERSONS

First of all I saw MISSING PERSONS which is a low budget computer animated feature done by two twin brothers named Matt and Dan O’Donnell. At least I think there are two of them, they are twins. And no these are not the creepy american twin animators who speak with british accents, you’re thinking of the Quay brothers. This is a completely different set of twin animators, as far as I can tell.

The credits only list these two guys, and then the songs, so apparently they did the entire thing themselves (all the animation, all the voices, even apparently designed the software, etc.) so it’s pretty impressive. On the other hand, for this reason it is not always up to the technical standards expected by most grown adults who watch cartoons. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 11th, 2002 | 2 Comments »

FBI takes advantage, To Afghanistan and Back by Ted Rall

Man I can’t believe this shit. I was too slow to see it coming. When FBI people right and left were coming forward to admit they blew it in regards to this whole September 11th deal, who woulda thought they would use it to their own advantage? Yeah, we knew alot of things, we didn’t do shit, 3,000 people died. The only way we can prevent this from happening again is if we get rid of all those stupid “don’t spy on your own people” and “probable cause” rules.

If you step back and take a look at it, you see that there is no logic in this. They had information that they refused to act on (whether out of incompetence, laziness, or pressure not to screw up the pipeline negotiations with the Taliban – take your pick) – so the way to fix this problem is to get more information to not act on? It makes about as much sense as the sport “rollerball” in the movie Rollerball (2002). (read the rest of this shit…)

June 7th, 2002 | No Comments »

Outlaw Vern Reports On BIGGIE & TUPAC From SIFF!!

SPOILER ALERT !!

Hey, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab.

Vern is one of my very favorite Internet writers about anything, much less movies. A reformed outlaw who channelled his energy into writing about films after his last stint inside, he’s been a constant presence on the web for the last few years, and he’s got a voice all his own. Here he is with a look at the new documentary from the always controversial Nick Broomfield:

Dearest Harry and Moriarty,

It has been a while since I’ve had my works printed on your page there (ain’t it cool news) but this time I got somethin that I think will move your heart. I know how much Tupac and Biggie Smalls mean to you young people today so I’m sure both of you are very anxious to see BIGGIE AND TUPAC, the new documentary about them from Nick Broomfield (who directed the Heidi Fleiss picture and maybe more in this vein, KURT AND COURTNEY). Because Tupac means to a young man like Harry or Moriarty the same thing Bob Dylan or Johnny Cash meant to their dads, only with more tattoos and brighter colored suits. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 3rd, 2002 | 23 Comments »

Undercover Brother

I’ve always been a man who enjoys this one kind of movie hero, let’s call it the counter-hero. The counter-hero is the type of hero who fits the usual mold of the action hero or super hero or what not, but who represents a set of values closer to yours or mine than of the assholes you usually see in movies.

For example you got Snake Plissken or Roddy Piper in THEY LIVE, who are sort of an anti-Rambo. They go around by themselves and take on armies and blow shit up but they aren’t doing it in the name of the american government or military conquest or nothing. Snake is the anarchist Rambo, Roddy is the anti-alien-republican Rambo. John Carpenter pictures are full of these type of characters. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 1st, 2002 | No Comments »

How High

What this is is Bob Dylan’s son decided to direct a completely retarded pot comedy starring Method Man and Redman. Now those names may sound like a couple of cartoon comic strip heroes but really they are just two rappers who found that music was too limited a form of expression to communicate their message. Now they are speaking in the language of Cinema, and the dialect of Friday.

Or that’s what they’re trying I think. The mentality is more along the lines of worthless attempted-comedy garbage like Revenge of the Nerds and Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back. This is one of those movies where established adult music stars are playing teenagers, like House Party or Purple Rain, the movie where Prince is driving around on a motorcycle wearing fluffy scarves and purple leather coats with tails, but still lives with his parents. This is also one of those movies where the stuffy college dean and rich boyfriend and nerdy hall monitor dude either a) are the butt of some outrageous joke and they get so mad steam practically starts sprayin out their ears or b) get stoned, lose the starch from their collar and show that, believe it or not, they really know how to party! (read the rest of this shit…)

May 22nd, 2002 | 1 Comment »

Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones

STARWARS VOL. II: ATTACK OF THE CLONES

a.k.a. YODA VS. DRACULA

This is a picture that most people already have an opinion on, that will never change, whether they’ve seen it or not. This is only one of those opinions.

First of all, I enjoyed this picture. I laughed at some of the cornball speeches, the sometimes stiff acting, and a couple bad puns. But you know, I can get into this space ‘n robots shit sometimes, and for one main reason: Dracula. As you know from my review of Lord of the Rings Part 1, I enjoy any picture where some dude has a duel with Dracula. This one raises the bar by making the dude be a little green space-elf/Shaolin monk. (read the rest of this shit…)

May 16th, 2002 | 36 Comments »

Waking Life

It took me a while to get to this one because 1) cartoons are only for children and 2) it wasn’t nominated for the best animated feature oscar so it must not have been any good. so I watched Jimmy Neutron instead.

Actually that is all bullshit. I know this movie was beloved by critics and people alike. I even talked to one dude who hates all Richard Linklaters other movies but liked this one. As you probaly already know this is a movie that Linklater shot on digital video, then had computer animators paint over the video in their computer programs and turn it into surreal computer art type business. What the plot is about is this kid is dreaming, but he can’t wake up, and everywhere he goes people talk to him about free will or lucid dreaming or show off that they have some wacky quirk like they pretend their car is a boat. (read the rest of this shit…)

May 8th, 2002 | 31 Comments »

Spider-Man

Spider-man, Spider-man. Sam Raimi, Spider-Man. Bruce Campbell cameos. Spider-man. Spider-man. That is a song I Wrote.

Anyway. This is a picture by Mr. Sam Raimi only it is based on the popular children’s comic strip, “SPIDER-MAN”. If I remember right what that was about was a nerdy kid who gets bit by a magic spider so he puts on a red and blue bodysuit and swings around on webs saving people. This works on account of he now has magic spider powers to climb up buildings, make wisecracks, etc. My internet research indicates that the webs actually did not shoot out of his wrists, as any logical person might assume, in fact they were shot by mechanical laser watches or some stupid shit that Peter Parker invented and this apparently is the building block on which all Marvel Comics are built and should never be altered if Sam Raimi doesn’t want to face a fate similar to that of Salman Rushdie (i.e. years of fear and hiding, followed by a cameo in Bridget Jones’s Diary). (read the rest of this shit…)

May 3rd, 2002 | 37 Comments »

Whoops, that’s right, we DID know there would be terrorist attacks. Our bad.

Hey, remember when I was a paranoid conspiracy nut? And I was saying this ridiculous stuff about Bush knowing about 9-11™ in advance? Not even a year later now and even the mainstream press admits… whoops, if I wasn’t right, at least I was closer than they were.

At the beginning of the Enron scandal the Bush regime said they’d had only a half dozen meetings with Enron. Now that they need to distract us from this one they’re saying at least 60. And who knows how toned down that figure is.

If we can expect the same pattern in the “whoops, we were totally lying when we said 9-11™ was out of the blue” scandal then it’s hard to imagine the horrors they will be confessing to in the coming months. (read the rest of this shit…)

May 1st, 2002 | No Comments »

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »
  • Hey bud, thanks for reading.

    Don't feel obligated, but here are some

  • WAYS YOU CAN SUPPORT THE SHIT OUT OF VERN & OUTLAWVERN.COM

    if that's your thing:

  • 1. Patreon

    Toss me a couple bucks a month, support the good shit, also get access to a bunch of exclusive writing. This is my primary source of writing money that has allowed me to cut down to part time at the day job. Thank you!

  • 2. Buy my books from your local bookseller or somebody

    click here for my Amazon author page

    (NOTE: My ten year contract has passed on the Titan books, so I don't get residuals on them like I do WORM ON A HOOK and NIKETOWN, but I would love for you to read them because I'm proud of them)

    EXTRA CREDIT: Review them on Amazon! That would really help me out. Unless you didn't like them, in which case forget I said anything.

  • 3. If you ever buy from Amazon, go through my links or search engines



    (you pay the same amount you were gonna pay anyway they cut me a little slice)

  • I also have an Amazon UK one:

    (I can't get the search box widget to work anymore, so click on MOONWALKER and then search for what you want.)

  • 4. My exciting line of fashion and leisure products

    (I get a couple bucks per item, you get a cool t-shirt, mug or lifestyle item)

  • 5. Spread the word

    Tell your friends about my reviews and my books and everything. Only cool people though please, we don't need a bunch of suckers and/or chumps around here.

    THANKS EVERYBODY. YOUR FRIEND, VERN

    * * * *

  • Recent commentary and jibber-jabber

    • Kevin W on Trancers: “Tim Thomerson always struck me as a synthesis of Clint Eastwood and Bruce Campbell, and it’s weird that he was…” Dec 23, 06:40
    • Jasmine on Teen Wolf: “I Love it.” Dec 23, 02:39
    • bastardjackyll on Trancers: “One of the great VHS covers from a time when one mostly chose a movie to watch based on the…” Dec 22, 20:44
    • Muh on Trancers: “It’s amazing to me that at one time, movies like this, Metalstorm, Eliminators and Troll were released in movie theaters.” Dec 22, 18:33
    • Anthony on Trancers: “Trancers Trancers 2 Trancers 3 All three are good B movies I love Jack Deths score it’s an iconic score…” Dec 22, 17:19
    • Peter Campbell on Trancers: “I’ve always adored this movie. It was a video hit in the UK in the 80’s so its one that’s…” Dec 22, 15:05
    • Mr. Majestyk on Trancers: “I also watched TRANCERS for the first time this year. I’ve slowly lowered my standards to the point where I…” Dec 22, 11:57
    • CJ Holden on Superman (2025): “You’re welcome. Check out some of their other stuff. This isn’t even their wildest video! And when you are at…” Dec 22, 11:46
    • CJ Holden on Trancers: “One fun thing about the whole aging thing is that the generation after me apparently has the “problem” of looking…” Dec 22, 11:42
    • Ben C. on Superman (2025): “CJ, thanks for the link, best music video I’ve seen in awhile!!!!” Dec 22, 11:03
    • Muh on Trancers: “Been a long time since I saw this movie and forgot he intended to stay in the body. Man, this…” Dec 22, 11:01
    • Muh on Trancers: “Burt Young was 35!!!!!! when he was in Rocky. And never aged a day after that because he already looked…” Dec 22, 10:59
    • Bill Reed on Trancers: “Okay, this sounds like my kind of thing. I see the poster all over the place, but it kept making…” Dec 22, 10:39
    • Miguel Hombre on Trancers: “I had my own ‘I’m getting old moment’ a few days ago when I stumbled across the fact that I’m…” Dec 22, 09:00
    • CJ Holden on Trancers: “This is indeed one of those really fun b-movies that feel like a 12 year old watched TERMINATOR and a…” Dec 22, 07:36

  • Recent Commented on Posts

  • Most Comments