"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

Things That Kinda Bother Me

Well friends I haven’t written much lately. Sorry about that. Between my computer dying again and my morbid fascination with Trent Lott apology speeches I haven’t had much time for anything. Admittedly I’ve had my own Brian DePalma fest here since I saw the great FEMME FATALE but I don’t feel like I have much to say about those pictures other than OBSESSION, SISTERS, DRESSED TO KILL and BLOW OUT are all pretty good.

I hope you’ll understand. I would update this fucker every day if I could, but only if I thought I could do a good job. I’d rather let this thing collect dust than get in a routine of adding garbage that’s not very inspired. Which some would argue is what I do anyway, but fuck them.

I did get started on a column called “THINGS THAT KINDA BOTHER ME,” and thankfully one of those things has now been somewhat rectified: that Bush appointed Henry fucking Kissinger as head of the “independent” 9-11 commission. (read the rest of this shit…)

December 17th, 2002 | No Comments »

Drumline

I don’t know what the deal is with this movie but I gotta admit I kinda liked it. Basically it is your formula movie about young kids competing in something, like LOVE AND BASKETBALL or KARATE KID or WORLD’S BIGGEST GANG BANG or that kind of thing. But in this case instead of sports they are competing at marching band.

The main kid is Nick Cannon who I just looked up on IMDb. I guess he was on the “nickelodeon” kids channel and even had a show named after him. So basically he is an unknown. He is real good as a prodigy on the drum. Not the drums, just one drum that you carry around. This kid is real good, especially good at memorizing and picking things up fast, but you find out later that he can’t read music. Still, he gets a scholarship to this college and goes to this marching band and finds out it’s alot more strict than he expected. They got a curfew, they got a drum major that hates him, etc. (read the rest of this shit…)

December 14th, 2002 | No Comments »

Vern Is TOUCHed By Michelle Yeoh!!

Hey, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab.

Vern rules. If you don’t know that by now, then here’s your chance to figure out why.

Fellas —

I know you ran a couple reviews of THE TOUCH starring Michelle Yeoh before, but I thought I’d throw in too. I mean look harry you and I go way back, just give me another chance to commune with those talkbackers you got. I’ve been practicing and I think I can win em over this time. The secret is not to mention that I’m an award winning Writer and then I really think those fuckers might take a shine to me. Don’t print that part harry, thanks bud. (read the rest of this shit…)

December 2nd, 2002 | 1 Comment »

Femme Fatale

Brian De Palma has gotta be one of the most controversial directors there is. Not because of the content of his movies but because of the reactions to them. It seems like anybody who knows who he is either hates him or loves him. Mostly hates. But they’re wrong.

The reasons for hating him: the movies are too good. I’m sick of seeing movies that are so clever and well made. Why does every Brian De Palma movie have to be a masterpiece or an interesting failure? Why are his movies so stylish? It gets old after a while. De Palma has a recognizable style, I’d rather not be able to tell the difference between one movie and any other movie. His style is too fetishistic, thrillers aren’t supposed to be personal. It’s too hard to tell where the movie is going, it makes me uncomfortable. How DARE he surprise the audience with the beginning and ending of a Mission Impossible movie? I wanted to get exactly what I expected and nothing else. His camerawork and editing is distracting because it is too inventive. If he’s such a great director, why hasn’t he done a movie about world war 2 or retards? Also why is he so into Hitchcock. It’s almost like he admires Hitchcock, he does so many homages to him. I noticed part that was like a Hitchcock movie. Since I spotted it I have every right to be angry. I hope I get a ribbon. (read the rest of this shit…)

December 1st, 2002 | 11 Comments »

Solaris (2002)

Well that young bald man Steve Soderbergh is still on a roll. He just keeps hittin em, bam bam bam and even when they’re not a home run like THE LIMEY or OUT OF SIGHT they’re still real good. Hell, even FULL FRONTAL, he just squirted that one out like a soft ice cream, and it was pretty good ice cream too. This one is a little more of a sunday. It’s not my favorite soderbergh movie but that’s like saying “that’s not necessarily the greatest blowjob I ever got.” This guy has never made a bad movie. Go ahead, try to find one. You can’t. You would have to make a fake movie and put his name on it. But he didn’t make that one, you did. You can’t fool me. Fool me once, shame, shame, you can’t fool me.

First of all let me make it clear that I am ignorant on the topic of Solaris. I have not seen the legendarily long and boring and brilliant Russian version by Mr. Tartavsky. Also I have not read the book which is according to the credits what Mr. Soderbergh’s version is based on. But I did see this movie. So that’s my background on that one. (read the rest of this shit…)

November 27th, 2002 | 1 Comment »

Friday After Next

I really don’t have much to say about this movie, so instead I will rail against our modern consumerist society. thanks for your understanding.

I really feel old when I show up to a movie 10 or 15 minutes early. Sure I like to think I’m young in the heart and all that shit, but I still remember when moviegoing was a pleasant experience. Sure I am thankful for the innovations of digital sound and automatic ticket machines. But it’s time to dump the rest of the cineplex baggage. These chains are all going chapter 11 anyway, why not jettison the extra weight?

So I walk in there, the old man, and I let this CD pretending to be a radio station introduce me to the latest contemporary R&B products. I’m pretty sure they have a camp somewhere where they raise these kids to groom them into soul-less, personality-less test tube warblers with prefabricated sexuality. They keep them naked in cages until the cameras are ready, then they throw each of them a plastic bag containing 1 (one) wireless microphone headset (does not work), 1 (one) pair white leather pants (low riding), one (1) $200 boutique t-shirt (one sleeve only), and 1 (one) rhinestone cowboy hat. (read the rest of this shit…)

November 22nd, 2002 | 1 Comment »

Far from Heaven

FAR FROM HEAVEN is the lovingly crafted new film from Todd Haynes (VELVET GOLDMINE), about an upper class socialite house wife (the great Julianne Moore from JURASSIC PARK PART 2 and ASSASSINS) dealing with the shameful prejudices and social pressures of the time. When she discovers that her husband (one of the Quaids, I think Randy) kissing a man, she tries to be loving and understanding about it. Her friends joke about her liberalism and call her “Red” but she naively deals with it as a medical problem, and brings him to a doctor to be “cured”. Soon she strikes up a friendship with her black gardener (the president from that stupid tv show 24) and again tests the limits of her liberalism when she finds that both whites and blacks scorn their innocent relationship.

Part of what makes it work is that the styles of acting, the dissolve-heavy editing, and the music by Elmer Bernstein are all taken directly from the films of that time period. It’s as if Haynes had travelled back in time and created a movie that he wishes they could’ve made back then, dealing with issues no one wanted to face, ones that are still embarassingly relevant today. It’s all a perfect re-creation of the melodramas of Douglas Sirk. (read the rest of this shit…)

November 22nd, 2002 | 1 Comment »

Vern reckons that ADAPTATION is absolute genius it darn near looks like!

Hey folks, Harry here… Both Moriarty and Mr Beaks have seen ADAPTATION and are set to write reviews that declare it just about earth-shatteringly gob-derned whipperwill brilliant, and I lay here simmering in jealousy, because I haven’t seen it yet. I’ve been uga-bugga beating my chest about this one and carving “SEE ADAPTATION” in granite for the past year and a half. My fingers have bled, in an exisstential manner of speaking, over this one. Vern loved it. Vern’s better than both Moriarty and Mr Beaks, because Vern doesn’t fondle octogenarians. Yeah. Here’s Vern… MUST SEE MOVIE!

Boys —

You fellas will not believe what movie I saw today. It was ADAPTATION, the new picture by Spike Jonze and Charlie Kaufman starring Nicolas Cage as twin screenwriters hired to write a script about themselves being hired to write a script about flowers. Actually only one of them is hired and he’s not supposed to put himself in the script, it’s just supposed to be about flowers, and then his brother lives in his house and is taking a screenwriting seminar, and he’s better at picking up women. You know, it’s kind of like WES CRAVEN’S NIGHTMARE, only with Nicolas Cage playing fat twins. I don’t know it’s hard to explain it man. You guys already know anyway. (read the rest of this shit…)

November 20th, 2002 | 10 Comments »

‘R Xmas

The two strongest feelings I have about Abel Ferrara’s latest are “that was pretty good” and “what the hell?” I will cover these two feelings in order.

This is the story of Christmas for a rich couple in New York in 1993. We see them videotaping their young daughter’s private school Christmas play, trying to get her the most in demand Christmas toy, and that kind of business. Then they put her to bed, some fellas come over and they start filling up baggies of cocaine.

So the idea I guess is that drug kingpins aren’t that much different from any of the other rich fucks in new york. I mean you pretty much like these people. They really do care about their daughter and want to make her happy, even if they think they have to do it by buying shit. They have lots of old ladies sitting around the house and they hug and kiss them alot. When it comes down to it, their family life really is more important to them than their drug empire, although they don’t know how to live like a regular working class individual. And one thing that’s refreshing is that other than the fact that he sells drugs, the husband never shows a dark side. You never see him being ruthless. He doesn’t only SEEM charming and innocent, but have a furious anger hidden beneath. As far as we see, he’s just a sweet, romantic guy. Come to think of it, this guy is BETTER than the other rich fucks in new york, if a little superficial. (read the rest of this shit…)

November 19th, 2002 | 2 Comments »

Half Past Dead

I don’t know how to explain my fascination with Steven Seagal, but you can read my review of ON DEADLY GROUND and maybe you’ll understand. I don’t think the dude is exactly advancing the cause of Badass Cinema with his works, but I still enjoy every new chapter of his saga.

This time around we find Seagal working with a young rapper named Ja Rule, stealing cars for some European guy. BUT NEVER FEAR. Although Seagal may SEEM to be a mere car thief (or I guess, since he’s Steven Seagal, an ex-CIA black ops car thief), it is heavily implied in the opening scene that he MAY actually be some kind of undercover FBI agent. I don’t want to give anything away though, who knows if he really is undercover or not. Nobody really knows until they themselves have seen the movie. (read the rest of this shit…)

November 16th, 2002 | 20 Comments »

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »
  • Hey bud, thanks for reading.

    Don't feel obligated, but here are some

  • WAYS YOU CAN SUPPORT THE SHIT OUT OF VERN & OUTLAWVERN.COM

    if that's your thing:

  • 1. Patreon

    Toss me a couple bucks a month, support the good shit, also get access to a bunch of exclusive writing. This is my primary source of writing money that has allowed me to cut down to part time at the day job. Thank you!

  • 2. Buy my books from your local bookseller or somebody

    click here for my Amazon author page

    (NOTE: My ten year contract has passed on the Titan books, so I don't get residuals on them like I do WORM ON A HOOK and NIKETOWN, but I would love for you to read them because I'm proud of them)

    EXTRA CREDIT: Review them on Amazon! That would really help me out. Unless you didn't like them, in which case forget I said anything.

  • 3. If you ever buy from Amazon, go through my links or search engines



    (you pay the same amount you were gonna pay anyway they cut me a little slice)

  • I also have an Amazon UK one:

    (I can't get the search box widget to work anymore, so click on MOONWALKER and then search for what you want.)

  • 4. My exciting line of fashion and leisure products

    (I get a couple bucks per item, you get a cool t-shirt, mug or lifestyle item)

  • 5. Spread the word

    Tell your friends about my reviews and my books and everything. Only cool people though please, we don't need a bunch of suckers and/or chumps around here.

    THANKS EVERYBODY. YOUR FRIEND, VERN

    * * * *

  • Recent commentary and jibber-jabber

    • Anne on Teen Wolf: “Teen Wolf really feels like a pure 80s time capsule awkward, fun, and full of that Michael J. Fox charm…” Dec 23, 02:45
    • Jasmine on Teen Wolf: “I Love it.” Dec 23, 02:39
    • bastardjackyll on Trancers: “One of the great VHS covers from a time when one mostly chose a movie to watch based on the…” Dec 22, 20:44
    • Muh on Trancers: “It’s amazing to me that at one time, movies like this, Metalstorm, Eliminators and Troll were released in movie theaters.” Dec 22, 18:33
    • Anthony on Trancers: “Trancers Trancers 2 Trancers 3 All three are good B movies I love Jack Deths score it’s an iconic score…” Dec 22, 17:19
    • Peter Campbell on Trancers: “I’ve always adored this movie. It was a video hit in the UK in the 80’s so its one that’s…” Dec 22, 15:05
    • Mr. Majestyk on Trancers: “I also watched TRANCERS for the first time this year. I’ve slowly lowered my standards to the point where I…” Dec 22, 11:57
    • CJ Holden on Superman (2025): “You’re welcome. Check out some of their other stuff. This isn’t even their wildest video! And when you are at…” Dec 22, 11:46
    • CJ Holden on Trancers: “One fun thing about the whole aging thing is that the generation after me apparently has the “problem” of looking…” Dec 22, 11:42
    • Ben C. on Superman (2025): “CJ, thanks for the link, best music video I’ve seen in awhile!!!!” Dec 22, 11:03
    • Muh on Trancers: “Been a long time since I saw this movie and forgot he intended to stay in the body. Man, this…” Dec 22, 11:01
    • Muh on Trancers: “Burt Young was 35!!!!!! when he was in Rocky. And never aged a day after that because he already looked…” Dec 22, 10:59
    • Bill Reed on Trancers: “Okay, this sounds like my kind of thing. I see the poster all over the place, but it kept making…” Dec 22, 10:39
    • Miguel Hombre on Trancers: “I had my own ‘I’m getting old moment’ a few days ago when I stumbled across the fact that I’m…” Dec 22, 09:00
    • CJ Holden on Trancers: “This is indeed one of those really fun b-movies that feel like a 12 year old watched TERMINATOR and a…” Dec 22, 07:36

  • Recent Commented on Posts

  • Most Comments