Archive for the ‘Reviews’ Category
Monday, June 25th, 2012
Sometimes, in a man’s ongoing journey toward a fuller understanding of his world, he must watch the POLICE ACADEMY series of films. That’s all I really have to say as far as an explanation.
If you are not familiar with the POLICE ACADEMY saga, I know it must sound like a very scholarly law enforcement procedural, but don’t expect THE FRENCH CONNECTION. Or even POLICE STORY. In my opinion this is more of a “comedy” type of series than a serious analysis of law and order. I guess it’s trying to be a version of ANIMAL HOUSE but with cops instead of non-cops, and more of a “not good at all” type of approach than what John Landis chose to do.
(read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Bobcat Goldthwait, David Spade, Kim Cattrall, Sharon Stone, Steve Guttenberg
Posted in Comedy/Laffs, Reviews | 121 Comments »
Thursday, June 21st, 2012
An Avenger and a Throne-Gamer butt heads over a suitcase of money in this mediocre DTV thriller
Wasn’t that awesome? I wrote a headline.
Chris Thor Hemsworth plays Sam, a Chicago knucklehead who thinks the Lord is smiling on him when a suitcase full of money is thrown over an overpass and lands on the hood of his station wagon. He’s not a streetwise tough guy of any kind, not a guy that knows how to handle the situation. He’s just a dipshit who thinks since nobody saw him take it as far as he knows he can just live off the money and there will be no consequences. At first his wife Leslie (Victoria Profeta) is nervous about it, but she decides to go along with it anyway. They pay off their debts in cash, buy a new Range Rover, a new house, new furniture, new TV. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Chris Hemsworth, DTV, Glenn Plummer, Mike Starr, Sean Bean, Stephen Milburn Anderson, Victoria Profeta
Posted in Reviews, Thriller | 142 Comments »
Wednesday, June 20th, 2012
There’s alot of big movie anniversaries this summer. Everybody’s celebrating 30 years since the Summer of ’82 shit like E.T., THE THING, BLADE RUNNER, CONAN THE BARBARIAN. And I’ve been trying to commemorate the important summer of ’87 ones like PREDATOR and ROBOCOP. Little did I know that there was another movie, originally released July 9th, 1987, worthy of that kind of respect, but that I never saw before.
Geez, man. What have I been doing these last 25 years that was so god damn important I couldn’t be bothered to watch EASTERN CONDORS? Nothin, that’s what. Why did nobody convince me to watch this one before? This is my new favorite movie until further notice. The only legitimate reason to not watch it is if you’re worried that it will be hard to find another action movie to watch after that, because not many hold up to the EASTERN CONDORS standard of fun. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Corey Yuen, Hong Kong action, Joyce Godenzi, Sammo Hung, Vietnam, Yuen Biao, Yuen Woo-Ping
Posted in Action, Martial Arts, Reviews, War | 59 Comments »
Tuesday, June 19th, 2012
Back when I saw the insane Lee Daniels mother-fucking assassin movie SHADOWBOXER I admitted that Cuba Gooding Jr. was good in it, but made fun of the generic covers of some of his other straight to video movies. Back then one or more people stood up for WRONG TURN AT TAHOE. I don’t think I believed them.
Since then I liked Gooding in HIT LIST, and started to realize that I was unfair to dismiss him as a DTV star. Just ’cause he did all that mugging on all those trailers for comedies I never saw doesn’t mean he can’t do other shit. I even kind of liked him in RED TAILS – not a popular stance, but an honest one. And I can’t continue to hold that ugly purple shirt from BOYZ N THE HOOD against him. It was the ’90s, it was a different time. At least he wasn’t wearing Zubaz.
(read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Cuba Gooding Jr., DTV, filmed in Spokane, Franck Khalfoun, Harvey Keitel, Miguel Ferrer
Posted in Action, Crime, Reviews | 13 Comments »
Monday, June 18th, 2012
Yeah, CHRONICLE. I just shouldn’t watch these found footage movies, I guess. It doesn’t matter how good they are for their genre, I always think they pale in comparison to actual movies. But technically this isn’t a found footage movie, because they never claim that anybody found the footage, and they sometimes switch POVs from the one character’s camera to another character’s, or to security cameras. So it’s a footage movie.
(read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: another fucking found footage movie, Dane DeHaan, fake Seattle, Michael B. Jordan
Posted in Comic strips/Super heroes, Reviews | 52 Comments »
Wednesday, June 13th, 2012
Y.K. Kim is a motivational speaker, author of books with titles like Winning Is a Choice and The New American Dream. He sells a 5-CD set called U.S. National Exercise that boasts “It’s amazing! You can even exercise while driving without any extra time!” On his websight he’s quoted as saying, “Success: 1% is the idea, 99% is action. Put your goals into action, never and ever give up until you achieve your goals.”
In 1987 his goal was to make an action movie.
(read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Drafthouse Films, ninjas
Posted in Action, Reviews | 32 Comments »
Tuesday, June 12th, 2012
Daniel Bernhardt is a Swiss martial artist and model who appeared in a Versace commercial with Jean-Claude Van Damme, then was hired to play the lead in the BLOODSPORT sequels. So it’s only natural that in 1997 he inherited Van Damme’s frequent collaborator Sheldon Lettich, who had already directed LIONHEART and DOUBLE IMPACT (plus the great Mark Dacascos capoeria-‘n-teaching movie ONLY THE STRONG). But I’m sorry to say the substitute is not as good as the real thing. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: a guy who looks like Steve Guttenberg, Brian Thompson, Daniel Benhardt, DTV, Robert Englund, Sheldon Lettich
Posted in Action, Martial Arts, Reviews | 40 Comments »
Monday, June 11th, 2012
Now that GI JOE: RETALIATION has become GI JOE: PROCRASTINATION that means the big Bruce Willis movie of the summer to hold us off until EXPENDABLES 2 will have to be Wes Anderson’s MOONRISE KINGDOM. Bruce plays Captain Sharp, head of the Island Police, New Penzance Township, charged with the task of capturing a fugitive – Sam (Jared Gilman), a disturbed young orphan gone AWOL from the Khaki Scouts of North America, Troop 55, to run away with his also disturbed pen pal/girlfriend Suzy (Kara Hayward).
(read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Bill Murray, Bob Balaban, Bruce, Bruce Willis, Edward Norton, Frances McDormand, Harvey Keitel, Tilda Swinton, Wes Anderson
Posted in Bruce, Comedy/Laffs, Reviews | 76 Comments »
Saturday, June 9th, 2012
Okay, we’ve had high hopes for this movie for a long time. We’ve tried to avoid finding out too much about it. We have a sense of trust because of its connection to an all-time great movie by this same director but we also hope this is gonna be something new we’ve never seen before. So it has this weird combination of known quantity and total mystery.
Well, it’s a little more familiar than I was hoping but I also think you should just see it fresh so come on man, don’t read this review until you’ve already seen it. This is gonna be all SPOILERS.
(read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: aliens, Charlize Theron, Damon Lindelof, Guy Pearce, H.R. Giger, Idris Elba, Jon Spaihts, Michael Fassbender, Noomi Rapace, Ridley Scott
Posted in Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit | 758 Comments »
Thursday, June 7th, 2012
You know what, I’m not sure we do. I don’t want to give that little bastard the satisfaction.
Director Lynne Ramsay’s gritty reboot of the PROBLEM CHILD franchise is a beautifully shot, cryptically edited suspense story about a woman (Tilda Swinton) who just can’t seem to connnect with her son (Ezra Miller). Even as a baby he’s a total asshole, almost Michael Meyersian in his silence and lack of emotion. Nobody else seems to notice – the doctor says “I wouldn’t worry about it,” the dad (John C. Reilly) seems to think she’s being paranoid. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: evil kids, John C. Reilly, Lynne Ramsay, Oscilloscope Laboratories
Posted in Reviews, Thriller | 50 Comments »
