Archive for the ‘AICN’ Category
Friday, September 28th, 2001
Hey, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
Which version of this movie did he see? He mentions the lesbian sex that dominates the third act, as other reviewers have, but he doesn’t go on and on about how hot it is, as other reviewers have, so does that mean Vern is just a classy guy, or is it possible he saw the original TV pilot?
Either way, AICN’s favorite outlaw has come up with something worth your time, a peek at what David Lynch has been up to…
VERN SAW MULLHOLLAND DRIVE
(includes the spoilers)
First off let me say I feel like a grade-a asshole sitting here Writing a movie review when so many innocent people died here this month and so many more will be dying in other countries soon. But I guess somehow you gotta get back to your life at some point and I’m afraid reviewing movies is about the best I can muster for this world. I speak on behalf of myself only but, let’s face it, even the best film Writers are basically just wasting your time. or at least that’s what the talbackers say about me, and I’m one of the best film Writers in my opinion, so you do the math. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: David Lynch, Justin Theroux, Naomi Watts
Posted in AICN, I don't know, Reviews | 15 Comments »
Thursday, August 9th, 2001
Hey, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
God bless Vern. He’s proof positive that anyone can turn their life around if they try. For those of you who haven’t enjoyed his writing here or on his own website, Vern’s a former convict who has channeled his post-prison energy into writing movie reviews. He loves bad-ass films, but he’ll write about the most surprising stuff sometimes. In the last few days, he’s sent me two great reviews, so I decided to run them together. I’d agree with him on one, but not the other, and I’ll let you figure out which one I mean. Vern… take it away.
GINGER SNAPS
Harry, I guess I don’t read your sight closely enough. I never heard of this picture other than it was playing the seattle international film festival and some people said it was good. I didn’t know what it was about but I remembered the title so I pulled it out of a box of garbage like wishmaster 3 and children of the living dead. This was a box of artisan entertainment’s straight to video garbage that not even my video store connection was going to consider watching. They were just gonna dump em off to charity.
So this is the story of the teen horror picture that almost got away. The one that played a couple film festivals and then got dumped straight to video in the US by Artisan Entertainment, due October 23. I mean you can understand with all the high quality pictures showing this summer there’s really no room to put another really good one out there. What good is another good movie. They are so abundant right now what really is the point, right? Can’t think of more than one or two good ones off hand, but I’m sure I’m forgetting something.
GINGER SNAPS is not a movie about cookies. It’s GINGER SNAPS as in THE SNAPPING OF GINGER or GINGER FINALLY SNAPS or THE STORY OF GINGER ACTUALLY SNAPPING. This is a horror picture for the strong independent women. That doesn’t mean it’s for pussies, ’cause it’s gorey and intense. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Ben Affleck, Canadian, Jason Lee, John Fawcett, Kevin Smith, Mimi Rogers, self-indulgence, werewolves
Posted in AICN, Comedy/Laffs, Horror, Reviews | No Comments »
Wednesday, July 25th, 2001
To: harry@aintitcool.com
From: outlaw_69@my-deja.com
Cc: moriartyaicn@yahoo.com
Date: Wed, 25 Jul 2001 00:35:48
Subject: Vern sees BROTHER
——————————————————————————–
Dear Harry and the boys,
My name is Vern and I am a scholar of the Badass Cinema. I take my job very seriously and I would stake my entire academic reputation on this here claim: Takeshi Kitano is a Badass Laureate.
For those of you who are not familiar with Badass theory, the Badass Laureate is the highest category of Badass. There are many Badass individuals who have proven themselves through their works. I’m talking about gentlemen like Jet Li, Dolemite and Chow Yun Fat. Like Lee Marvin and James Coburn and Toshiro Mifune.
I’m a fan of the Bruces (Willis, Campbell and Lee). I enjoy asskickers of all types and nationalities. But none of these guys are Badass Laureates. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Badass Laureates, Takeshi Kitano
Posted in AICN, Crime, Drama, Reviews, Thriller | No Comments »
Tuesday, June 19th, 2001
Hey, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
Sounds like Vern got cheated out of a screening of BATTLE ROYALE, and maybe that’s a good thing. He’s a reformed man after being a guest of the state, but who knows what’ll happen when you lay bare the blackest heart of man against man. I’d much rather be in a theater with Vern during a warped little character flick like GHOST WORLD, Terry (CRUMB) Zwigoff’s adaptation of the Daniel Clowes comics. I can’t wait to see this, and thanks to the always-appreciated efforts of Vern, we’re getting a little early peek…
This is a story about an individual named Vern who is standing in an alley outside of the Egyptian theater in Seattle, Washington where the world premiere of a movie is about to take place. There is a line around the building and I’m standing next to this dumpster that smells like piss and I’m thinking, this must be the line for Battle Royale. Battle Royale is this movie everybody’s talking about. It’s this week’s Chopper. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Brad Renfro, Illeana Douglas, Scarlett Johansson, Steve Buscemi, Terry Zwigoff, Thora Birch
Posted in AICN, Comedy/Laffs, Drama, Reviews, SIFF | No Comments »
Saturday, June 16th, 2001
Hey, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
It has come to my attention that some of you are less than thrilled with the stylings of Vern, one of our infrequent contributors. That’s a damn shame. I think Vern rules. I would print Vern reviews if he was just talking about what he had for lunch. I am pleased as fuck (see, I can say it, too) to print this review of a film I adore, SCRATCH, which I reviewed before Sundance, and I also wrote about the SCRATCH live event at Sundance, one of the highlights of my year so far. We’ve also had glowing responses from John Robie, Monki, and others as the film has played at various festivals like South By Southwest and the current Seattle Film Festival. That’s where Vern saw it. Check out what Vern’s got to say, and if ya don’t like it, then as the great Kurtwood Smith once said in the also-great ROBOCOP, “Bitches… leave!”
So everybody keeps telling me Vern, you’re in Seattle. You gotta go see this movie called CHOPPER. It’s about this Australian ex-con maniac. It’s right up your alley Vern, come on bud watch it. And I REALLY want to see this movie. So somehow I end up missing it and seeing a documentary about moving records back and forth on a turntable to make weird freaky type noises that the kids do now. Which they call scratchin.
SCRATCH is a good one though, boys. The movie starts out with a basic background on the rapping music, breakdancing and etc. Then it moves into today’s “deejays” who are the folks who just… I don’t even know what these fellas are doing. But it’s two records and they just… whicka whick scratchety fresh, is basically the noise they make. Hard to explain. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Doug Pray, music documentaries
Posted in AICN, Documentary, Music, Reviews, SIFF | No Comments »
Thursday, June 14th, 2001
Hey folks, Harry here with that sick bastard Vern and his fascinating look at that sick bastard, ED GEIN… well, technically it focuses on that Steven Railsback film that we premiered at BUTT-NUMB-A-THON 2 last year as the ender… The film is definitely not for all tastes, but for those with an eclectic bite… well, it hit the spot. Here’s Vern… a cousin of some sort to Moriarty (20 times removed I believe)…
Hey boys I got a new one for you. There is a movie coming to video called ED GEIN, about this sick fuck named ED GEIN. If you like movies about a guy running around in the moonlight howling and beating a drum and wearing a lady’s privates for his clothes, then this is the movie for you. But more about that later. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: biography, Chuck Parello, Steve Railsback
Posted in AICN, Crime, Drama, Reviews | No Comments »
Monday, February 19th, 2001
SPOILER ALERT !!
Hey, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
Vern watches this stuff so you don’t have to. Remember that.
CI2 by Vern, king of straight to video garbage
So here’s the deal friends. The year: 1782. The land: France. An author burdened with the handle Pierre Ambroise Francois Choderlos de Laclos puts the feather to the pulp, or whatever they did back then and over there, and he comes up with a decadent little novel by the name a Les Liaisons Dangereuses. Or Dangerous Liasions, for americans. The novel is about this manipulative gal and the sexual games she plays with this fella Valmont. I’m going to call this gal Catherine Murneaux for the purposes of this piece because that’s what they call her in the movies. Not sure about the novel I’m still catching up on some of the Donald Goines and Iceberg Slim books, working my way towards the pre-French revolution works and what not. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Amy Adams, DTV, DTV sequels, Mimi Rogers, Roger Kumble
Posted in AICN, Comedy/Laffs, Drama, Reviews | No Comments »
Monday, February 5th, 2001
Hey, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
If you haven’t checked out VERN’s website yet, follow the link at the bottom of his story. He’s a serious sumbitch, and he deserves your attention. And, no, he didn’t threaten to shank me unless I gave him a good intro. With a pen this sharp, who needs a toothbrush with a razor melted into the tip?
Hey boys it’s me, Vern. Remember I am the ex-con who has done a couple reviews for you, etc. I Write in the vernacular and then about 75 people complain about it in talkbacks. But as an acclaimed Writer on the films of Cinema I THINK a motherfucker knows what he’s talking about. (In this case me being the motherfucker.)
So I haven’t been in touch with you boys in a while but here’s what’s up. I got hold of a copy of THE CROW: SALVATION which is part 3 for the Crow series. Miramax made this picture and dumped it off in one theater in Spokane, Washington or somewheres. Nobody and their mother saw it so they said, forget it, straight to video for this one. There was some Crow fans on the internet trying to start a petition or something but, fortunately, they failed. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Bharat Nalluri, DTV, DTV sequels, Eric Mabius, Fred Ward, Kirsten Dunst
Posted in Action, AICN, Crime, Fantasy/Swords, Reviews | 12 Comments »
Saturday, September 23rd, 2000
Hey folks, Harry here with a look at THE EXORCIST: THE VERSION YOU’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE that has opened up in over 600 screens across the country…. Now, some of you good folks are concerned that it will never play in your little neck of the woods… Well, this rerelease is being handled in a ‘platform’ manner. What this means is this… between now and the middle of October, you will see THE EXORCIST open on more and more screens nationwide… the word has it, that it’ll be on around 2000 screens when all is said and done. Meanwhile, the reports I’m getting from this release thus far is that all nighttime screenings in San Diego have already sold out (according to ‘surfbrat’) I just got back in Austin from the World Premiere of this version… Which is actually a bit different than the test marketed film that played in Austin. But more on that later… Here’s Vern… now be really afraid… he’s scary…
THE EXORCIST: THE VERSION YOU’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE
Dear Harry and friends. Last night I went to a promotional screening of the big movie for this coming weekend. Now it is not often that ol’ Vern is allowed to see a picture before its official release, so I decided to throw you boys a review and see if it sticks. I hope you are willing and able to share it with all your fine readers.
Now, alot of motherfuckers are familiar with the 1973 William Friedkin directed Catholicsploitation picture known as THE EXORCIST. But are you familiar with THE EXORCIST: THE VERSION YOU’VE NEVER SEEN? (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Ellen Burstyn, Linda Blair, Max von Sydow, William Friedkin, William Peter Blatty
Posted in AICN, Horror, Reviews, Thriller | 31 Comments »
Thursday, July 27th, 2000
SPOILER ALERT !!
Hey, everyone. “Moriarty” here. One of my favorite critics on the web right now is Vern, a guy who tells it like it is at his website, Then Fuck You, Jack. He’s got eclectic tastes to say the least, and when he recommends something that’s off the beaten path, I’ve found it’s normally worth the effort to check out whatever he’s excited about. Let’s see what’s got him in a lather now.
Hey there Harry, Morry, Father Geek and etc.
Remember me, it’s Vern. One of if not THE most established web based ex-con Writers on the films of Cinema in the past 7-8 months.
Well boys today I have something important for you, ol’ Vern is gonna tell you about a movie series everybody in your clique will be talking about a ways down the line. While you guys have been running circles around the New Line Cinema trying to find out what’s going on with these hobbit movies you never even realized that it was all just a distraction from the REAL franchise New Line is trying to develop. Not LORD OF THE RINGS but just THE RING. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Japanese horror
Posted in AICN, Horror, Reviews | No Comments »
