Archive for the ‘AICN’ Category
Friday, September 23rd, 2005
SPOILER ALERT !!
Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with our own Vern who tells ya’ straight about David Cronenberg’s A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE, a film I was scheduled to see last night, but I ended up sneaking into a test screening for a much anticipated horror flick instead. I figured I can see HISTORY OF VIOLENCE much sooner than I’d see this other film, so I ditched out of the screening. I’m dying to see it, though!
Now Vern’s review doesn’t go into any deep spoilers, but he talks about a little bit of stuff not in the trailer, so I went ahead and smacked a spoiler warning for the purists out there. As always, Vern did a bang-up job and wrote a piece that had me laughing along. Enjoy!
Harry and friends,
First of all Moriarty, to finish up that debate we were having over in your talkback, porn is not boring. At least not if you’re jerkin off to it. And if you’re not jerkin off to it you’re not giving the picture the respect it deserves. That’s like doing a crossword puzzle during a subtitled movie and then saying the movie didn’t make any sense. I know Alberto Gonzales recently declared a “war on porn” one of the administration’s highest priorities, but don’t write off the merits of hardcore porn without giving it a fair chance. Let’s show some class here, bud. That’s first of all. Second of all, I got a review of David (JASON X) Cronenberg’s excellent new picture A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE starring Viggo Mortensen. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: David Cronenberg, Ed Harris, Josh Olson, Maria Bello, Viggo Mortensen, Viggronenberg, William Hurt
Posted in AICN, Drama, Reviews | 35 Comments »
Friday, August 26th, 2005
Ever since that documentary LOST IN LA MANCHA, Terry Gilliam has a reputation as the bad luck director who can’t finish a movie without the Lord dropping down on him like a bag of cinder blocks. I heard he writes his shooting schedules under a ladder on the 13th day of the month. It’s been what, six years since FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS, he’s been trying to make movies since then but this is the first one to make it to the screen. People figure it’s a miracle if he can shoot a scene that is not interupted by an act of God, let alone finish a whole movie and have it released in theaters. So in that sense, THE BROTHERS GRIMM is a miracle. Because it is a finished movie with credits and everything. They even made a poster I think.
As far as actual entertainment value though it’s maybe a little less miraculous, in my opinion. The main problem: the first hour. A man of my knowledge and insights, I oughta be able to put my finger on it more than that, but all I can say is I was bored as shit for the first half of this movie. Nothing really painfully lame or anything but it’s just not involving and not in the usual Terry Gilliam way where he overwhelms and disorients you with his powerful imagination rays. It looks like a Terry Gilliam movie, it seems like an okay premise for a Terry Gilliam movie, but it just doesn’t click. It’s not funny. It’s not that clever. And takes for fucking ever to get going. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Ehren Kruger, Heath Ledger, Matt Damon, Terry Gilliam
Posted in AICN, Comedy/Laffs, Fantasy/Swords, Reviews | No Comments »
Tuesday, July 26th, 2005
Harry here with Vern’s uncovering of the greatest America has to offer. This time it is BLAST starring… ah hell, I’ll just hand it over to Vern – he’s who you come to AICN desperate for something new to read…
Boys –
You know how it is with me, every time I get a screener for some shitty straight to video movie I get this idea somewhere in my brain… what if this is it? What if this is THE ONE? The one I’ve been looking for all these years? Well today we’re here to discuss BLAST, which is not the one. But it is one of those rare surprisingly competent ones. Destined for a Not As Bad As You Would Think award from the Direct to Video Academy of Well Who Are We Kidding There Is No Art Or Science In These Things.
Basically BLAST is DIE HARD on an oil rig. Or maybe UNDER SIEGE on an oil rig, but not ON DEADLY GROUND. Anyway the important thing is instead of Bruce or Seagal, we got wisecrackin Eddie Griffin. You know, from MY BABY’S DADDY. Now look, I wouldn’t watch 99% of the shit this guy has made. But I do think he can be funny. I’m more of a POOTIE TANG man, but I liked him in UNDERCOVER BROTHER. And his standup movie/family documentary DYSFUNKTIONAL FAMILY was funny. Here, he has a couple good smartass lines, but mostly plays the action hero. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Anthony Hickox, Breckin Meyer, Die Hard on a ____, DTV, Eddie Griffin, Nadine Velazquez, Steven E. de Souza, Tiny Lister, Vinnie Jones, Vivica A. Fox
Posted in Action, AICN, Reviews | No Comments »
Friday, July 8th, 2005
SPOILER ALERT !!
Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with our man Vern who is… mighty unhappy with a certain Vince Vaughn/Owen Wilson comedy right now. You see, he… well… Shit, Vern can tell you…
Boys –
First off, congratulations on the kid, Moriarty. I hope he doesn’t have too many problems being named after some freak from FORBIDDEN ZONE. But congratulations and in my opinion some credit should also go to the wife, who I bet performed some of the more difficult aspects of the birthing process unless there is something Harry is not telling us.
Second order of business, I saw some movie called WEDDING CRASHERS. Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn play a couple of dickheads who like to sneak into weddings because somehow it causes them to automatically get laid. When I first saw the trailer for this one I felt insulted. It seemed like one of those premises that would maybe seem funny when you first think of it but then you would realize before you got a chance to even write it down that it was not funny enough for anybody to actually make or especially watch. The trailer didn’t show any of the plot but I assumed it would be one of those generic romantic comedies where the protagonist lies and tricks people but then to his surprise he meets someone who he really falls in love with, and there are montages and flirting and laughing and they become close but it’s all based on a lie so then suddenly she finds out the truth and he has to admit that he’s a scumbag but then he publicly humiliates himself and proves to her that he really loves her and then… oh shit, what if in this one they got MARRIED AT THE END? Would that be ironic or what? The hunter becomes the huntress, or whatever. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Christopher Walken, David Dobkin, Dwight Yoakam, Isla Fisher, Owen Wilson, Rachel McAdams, Vince Vaughn
Posted in AICN, Comedy/Laffs, Reviews, Romance | 31 Comments »
Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005
Hi, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab…
I’m working on my review for this one now, having seen it earlier tonight. For now, I’ll leave it in the always-capable hands of Vern:
Fellas –
Well the Batman fans have their good Batman movie to get excited about, the Star Wars fans have their good Star Wars movie to complain and make rape metaphors about*, and now comes the actual, genuine most anticipated movie of the summer. In my opinion.
[*and no, this is not a license to talk about Star Wars in the talkbacks. you even THINK about mentioning Hans shooting whatsisdick the hutt or what have you, even in a relevant comparison to the works of George Romero, you’re fuckin fired]
There’s not much of a rumbling in the media, there doesn’t even seem to be as much excitement on the internet thing here as you’d think there’d be. But some of you out there know what I’m talking about. We’ve been waiting for this movie a long god damn time. I mean how many false alarms can you live through over the years, the guy saying he almost has the money to make another Living Dead movie? It starts to seem like a pipe dream. How many Resident Evils and 28 Days and Haunted Mansions can go by with us saying “fer chrissakes you morons, just give George Romero some money for a living dead picture and make the world a better place for all creeds, colors and stripes.” (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Asia Argento, Dennis Hopper, George Romero, John Leguizamo, Robert Joy, Simon Baker, zombies
Posted in Action, AICN, Horror, Reviews | 2 Comments »
Tuesday, June 14th, 2005
Hey folks, Harry here with Vern chiming in on the latest film from Alex De La Iglesia – who one day will be paired up with a perfect project that will launch him into world wide infamy – and goddammit, I wished it had been his FU MANCHU movie he wanted to make! Do yourself a favor and track down DIA DE LA BESTIA or 800 BALAS… then you won’t be able to stop tracking down all his films. Here ya go…
Boys –
Remember me, your friend Vern with one last review from SIFF, which is what I call the Seattle International Film Festival for short. That is the festival we have over here, in Seattle.
I didn’t see too many this year but the one I couldn’t miss was FERPECT CRIME because it was by Alex de la Iglesia. I went in knowing nothing about the plot or even the correct title. The schedule and tickets called it EL CRIMEN PERFECTO (THE PERFECT CRIME) which adds an extra THE and corrects a purposely incorrect spelling. So let that be a lesson to those who enjoy giving pointless and unsolicited advice about spelling to us artistical types. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Alex de la Iglesia
Posted in AICN, Comedy/Laffs, Reviews, SIFF, Thriller | No Comments »
Thursday, June 9th, 2005
SPOILER ALERT !!
Ahoy, squirts! Quint here… Now, of the three main editors of the Movie News of AICN, only one hasn’t seen this movie yet… Yeah, me. So, who’s the one dealing with all these spoiler-ific reviews? Yeah, me… At least I was having fun running around Chicago’s dastardly and evil O’Hare airport, missing connections and having good times while the Austin screening of BATMAN BEGINS was rolling… Anyway, this is all to say that I haven’t seen the movie. I didn’t read the script. I want there to be some surprises in the movie for me, so I haven’t read any of the below reviews. I’m sure they’re great, but I’m gonna be selfish on this one. If BB’s as good as everyone and their mother is saying it is, I want to be as fresh as possible come next week. So, be warned. There could be tons of spoilers below.
We have a couple regulars to start off. Our main man Vern and Ghostboy. Vern is first up to bat! ZING! He also has some personal information to share with his mass of fans! Enjoy!
I got two thrilling stories for you today boys. First up is my review of this new Batman picture. Second is an unrelated, earth shattering movie scoop that you have not seen on access hollywood, E.T. – The Entertainment Tonight, the Michael Jackson trial re-enactments, or any of those shows. Possibly it was in some newspaper column in a city called Rochester, but I have not confirmed that yet. Anyway enough preamble let’s get down. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Christian Bale, Christopher Nolan, Cillian Murphy, David S. Goyer, Gary Oldman, Katie Holmes, Ken Watanabe, Liam Neeson, Mark Boone Junior, Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, prebootquels, Rutger Hauer, Tom Wilkinson
Posted in Action, AICN, Comic strips/Super heroes, Reviews | 15 Comments »
Wednesday, June 1st, 2005
SPOILER ALERT !!
Hey folks, Harry here… I hate Vern… he see MAN IN SUIT first! I hate Moriarty… he see MAN IN SUIT firster! I wanted to see MAN IN SUIT firstest!!! ARGHHHHHHH!
Boys –
I don’t know if you’ve heard the news yet but apparently Godzilla is retiring. I know, I thought it sounded kind of sudden too, but according to the Toho Studios over there in Japan – actually they probaly never said this, but it was reported in magazines here so we’ll pretend it’s true – this is ABSOLUTELY gonna be the VERY LAST Godzilla movie. EVER. The final chapter. The final nightmare. I don’t see how they could ever go back on their word on something like that, so they will probaly just have to start making domestic dramas, or find some new young and edgy giant monster, start him off small and hopefully build him up until all the kids are like, who the fuck is Godzilla? Sounds lame to me, just a ripoff of (new more extreme giant monster from Toho studios). (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Don Frye, giant monster, Kane Kosugi, Ryuhei Kitamura
Posted in AICN, Horror, Reviews, SIFF | 10 Comments »
Sunday, May 22nd, 2005
SPOILER ALERT !!
Hey Folks, Harry here with the man-god Vern and his preview look at URBAN LEGENDS 3: BLOODY MARY. Ya know… some folks have all the luck, Vern has the rest. Now, behold as he unveils to all of us – the films we’re dying to see are always in front of his eyes. Now here ya go…
Hey fellas,
Vern here on the straight to video beat. Usually I prefer the real whacked out bad ones (Seagal) but as a Positive individual and an idealist it is my duty to report when I manage to see one that’s surprisingly decent. Don’t get too excited, I’m not really recommending this picture. Standard direct to video rules apply. Probaly shouldn’t rent it, but if you’re stuck in a hotel somewhere and it’s on cable, and you don’t want to spring for the porn, it’s not that bad. Competence is a quality that is rare in the world of DTV sequels, so it’s worth applauding. Good job on the competence with this one, guys. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: DTV, DTV sequels, Mary Lambert
Posted in AICN, Horror, Reviews, Thriller | No Comments »
Sunday, May 8th, 2005
Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with everybody’s favorite outlaw, Vern, a bloke that has a certain way about him… a certain quality in his written adoration of action stars and their direct-to-video adventures. I can’t get enough of this guy. You tell me Steven Seagal or Van Damme or now Snipes has a new direct-to-video actioneer out I don’t think I’d bother to read the whole title, but damned if I wouldn’t read a 2,000 word review on it if it were written by Vern. I have a feeling that Vern’s reviews (negative or positive) are better than most movies he’s reviewing. Anyway, here’s the man himself. Enjoy!
Dear Quint –
Or whoever’s home. I got an important dispatch for you from direct-to-video land. This one is regarding one called 7 SECONDS which I only care about because it stars Wesley God Damn Snipes.
That’s right, Wesley’s gone DTV. This is actually his second. The first one was called UNSTOPPABLE which is a good title for a Wesley Snipes film, except in that one his character really was pretty stoppable. Or at least nobody was really trying to stop him from doing anything, as far as I could tell.
[Before I go any further, I want to say upfront that this is gonna be an essay about Wesley Snipes as much as a review of 7 SECONDS. So I don’t want to see any wiseasses asking where the review is. But I probaly will.] (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: DTV, Simon Fellows, Wesley Snipes
Posted in Action, AICN, Crime, Reviews, Thriller | No Comments »
