I was a child of the 1980s, but not of HBO or Showtime. That’s probly why I never saw DEATHSTALKER (1983) until last week. Still, I knew the idea of DEATHSTALKER enough to be excited when I read that it was getting a rebootmakemagining from writer/director Steven Kostanski, the Canadian goofball who gave us PSYCHO GOREMAN, FRANKIE FREAKO, the makeup effects for IN A VIOLENT NATURE, and more. My hopes got even higher when I learned that it would star Daniel Bernhardt, one of the great henchmen of the JOHN WICK era but not usually a leading man since his days headlining the BLOODSPORT sequels. He was fun in the ‘90s but now he’s more distinguished, he has a giant sword, and there’s goblins and magic and shit everywhere. Some things do get better.
I asked around, and it does not seem to be a controversial statement that the remake is way better than the original. I kinda enjoyed catching up with that one, it has more flavor than some of the other CONAN cash-ins, and Lana Clarkson is in it pre BARBARIAN QUEEN, but I’ve already pretty much forgotten it. People seem to be fonder of DEATHSTALKER II, which is played for intentional laughs (but also a little chintzier). I’d say Kostanski’s is way better than both, and kind of pitched in the middle of them tonally. It definitely has some great jokes in it but overall seems to be sincere in its goal of having a great time with the swords and the sorcery. It’s a swordablast.
Kostanski told Bleeding Cool that he chose DEATHSTALKER off a list of Roger Corman properties available to reboot, and he confirms my suspicion that he wanted to use his creature effects skills to make the movie promised by the Boris Vallejo poster, which famously depicted a monster not in the movie. This really doesn’t follow the story or mythology of the original, it’s more like the DEATHSTALKER you imagined from seeing that video box or hearing about the movie from an older brother. Mix that with idealized memories of KRULL and THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER and hey, why not random bits of cool horror movies? I like that the 1983 movie has more random pigmen and things than many of the CONAN cash-ins, but it can’t compete with the amount of elbow grease these people put into their movies. If you get high on practical effects, this is a SCARFACE-sized pile of them.
At first I thought yeah, this is cheap but with some style, using this Pyunian yellow and orange tinting. Then it would go onto a set so elaborate that I questioned my initial assessment. There’s just such a reserve of elbow grease (and perhaps corpse dummy leftovers from previous FX work) that you never go very long without seeing something really cool. You know how in RETURN OF THE JEDI, when there’s an establishing shot of Jabba’s Palace they throw in a weird puppet frog creature to make it more interesting? And you know how most movies don’t do that kind of stuff because it’s too much work? DEATHSTALKER 2025 has a shot like that. It has stop motions shots. It has a reconstituting body like Freddy Krueger’s resurrection in A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4: THE DREAM MASTER, and little flying guys like the dream demons in FREDDY’S DEAD: THE FINAL NIGHTMARE.
And there’s definitely a ton of ARMY OF DARKNESS influence here, but Deathstalker’s not quite as buffoonish as Ash. When Kostanski lets the filmatism worship him he’s aware that it’s over the top, but that doesn’t make it a joke. In the opening, a knight is downed by an army of Psycho Goreman/Power Rangers looking beasties called Dreadites. He has no chance against them, but someone who does comes strutting in in glorious slow motion, his face mostly obscured out of respect. He swings his sword and kicks and slays the Dreadites with more skill than any previous Deathstalker (at least in parts 1-2, I haven’t seen 3 and 4 yet). Then he reaches down and takes the knight’s hand… so he can take the rings from his fingers. He finds a large amulet hidden under his chestplate, and takes that too, as the man protests with his final breaths.
That’s only part 1 of his entrance, because then he visits a tavern and stands at the bar with his back turned to us as one of the patrons gives him a Just How Badass Is He? speech that begins “There’s not a one among us who’s stared into Hell the way he has.” His name is first spoken by a two-headed troll who storms in looking for the amulet. Electric guitars wail as he turns to the camera, then flames come up, then the logo.
You know that phrase “dudes rock”? Movies also rock. This particular one ends with a new rock ’n roll theme song courtesy of Slash, who’s also an executive producer.
Deathstalker realizes that assassins are gonna keep coming after this amulet, so he tosses it in a river. Then all the sudden it’s in his pocket again – he can’t get rid of it. (I wonder if that’s what happened with Dirty Harry’s badge when he tossed it at the end of his first movie?) Toralva (Tanya Saari), a seer with a metal box locked over her head, tells him to find a wizard named DaedeWad who can read the engravings on the amulet. He’s a little goblin guy locked in a treasure chest in a cave. “Um, yeah, I’m Daedelad Parsaneon, son of Amax the Wise,” he says. “But everyone calls me Doodad.”
Doodad is played by Laurie Field, with the voice of Patton Oswalt (YOUNG ADULT) and he’s a familiar fantasy movie archetype – the little guy sidekick, like Hoggle in LABYRINTH or Gwildor in MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE. But since it’s a famous actor’s voice dubbed over a little person wearing makeup it also reminded me of Nick Nolte as Kuiil on The Mandalorian and Peter Dinklage as THE TOXIC AVENGER. But since the voice is Oswalt the real precedent is just RATATOUILLE. If you liked RATATOUILLE you will love DEATHSTALKER.
This is pretty much the tone I wanted from MACHETE – exaggerated, knowingly absurd, but not a parody. I don’t think of it as a straight up comedy, but I admit it’s debatable, and maybe you’d disagree. There are at least two times where somebody sees Deathstalker in action and says “Oh, wow” in such a natural way I couldn’t help but laugh. I also got a kick out of Deathstalker’s horse running away and him whining “Damn it!” and then the horse never being seen again.
Similar to THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK or PREDATOR: BADLANDS you have the hero carrying this little guy around on his back. It becomes a quest to translate the amulet and stop the evil Nekromemnon (Nicholas Rice, LUCKY NUMBER SLEVIN) and his Dreadites from using it to end the world or whatever. They meet a thief named Brisbayne (Christina Orjalo, “Little Girl on the Bus,” 16 BLOCKS) hiding in a pile of bodies (though we saw her earlier at the tavern, looking cool under a hood, a reference to LORD OF THE RINGS). They reluctantly work together and earn each other’s trust, but she works for an untrustworthy guild led by Grendul (a fun guest appearance by Nina Bergman, star of a recent Bernhardt classic, HELL HATH NO FURY).
I do believe the best fantasy movies have a strong story (CONAN THE BARBARIAN), not just vibes (CONQUEST). This has just enough. But as always the things that stick in your imagination are the various strange encounters, like when they get attacked by a weird guy called Scarabus (Troy James, Baba Yaga from HELLBOY) who fires a spinning blade from a chain in his hand and has a crystal bolted to his face that makes him see in something like Predator heat vision. Or when Deathstalker sees a woman’s face rise up out of the ground and he says, “Oh, hello. What are you doing down there?” before it splits open and a slimy snake mouth snaps at him and he leaps away saying “Oh shit!” There’s also the pigman (Jon Ambrose, THE RETIREMENT PLAN) who squeals as Deathstalker rips his jaw open, and there’s the dialogue scene with giants fighting in the distance, and the guy with a brain face behind a metal grill, and the cool stone warrior who switches between different visages like Man-E-Faces from Masters of the Universe, and so much more.
I love when Doodad does a spell to summon a wraith – a rotting monster torso that flies around screaming. Okay, yeah, impressive magic, but Deathstalker is right to ask, “How is this helping? God damn it. What is this?”
The most emblematic scene has got to be the one in the swamp. It’s great monster work, a really funny joke, but also am I crazy to think it’s pretty sincere? They get captured and marched through a swamp, where Doodad warns of “vengeful spirits that have forgotten the joys of music or the warmth of a brotherly hug.” Of course when the spirits show up (they are cool Swamp Things) he stops them by playing a flute and telling Deathstalker to hug them. The monsters enjoy the hug and wave goodbye. A big laugh that also establishes a relationship that will be crucial later on. In a way, Deathstalker is also a Friendstalker.
Since I gave a pretty positive review to RED SONJA last week I need to say that this is about ten times better than that one. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a lower budget, but that’s never a problem here because all the handmade detail gives it so much more production value than a semi-adequate-ish CG shot. I’m not an anti-CG guy, but any one of the rubber dudes in this adds more value than the digital minotaur in that one.
I also think it’s fair to say Bernhardt runs circles around the previous actors in the role, not just because he can do the action so much better – he also gives a far more compelling performance. He’s in great shape, but being older is much more interesting than just being beefcake, plus he’s gotten really good at the deadpan comedy, and has a good big brother or cool uncle chemistry with the very likable Orjalo.
(By the way, I was excited to read in that above-linked Kostanski interview that he was thinking of an older Deathstalker and then happened to be watching BLOODSPORT 4: THE DARK KUMITE.)
In the end, somehow, I cared about Deathstalker learning to work with others. But even if you hate emotions and bonding and what not you will enjoy seeing heads get chopped, sawed and smooshed. We all like that kind of stuff, right? Actually my friend Matt Lynch found this movie annoying and turned it off about two scenes in, and I guess I can understand that. But I think some of you will be on its wavelength, and I know for sure that all true fantasy fans will never again worry about George Ramrod Martin finishing Game of Thrones, and won’t even bother to hold on to their dumb old Tolkein books, because how do you keep ‘em in the Shire once they’ve journeyed to the Kingdom of Abraxeon? There’s a new Lord in town and he has a sword that’s way bigger than the one from THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER and has one extra blade.
