July 29, 2005
I reviewed STEALTH when it came out and, though I was alone on this, I really enjoyed it. I didn’t believe I was entirely receiving it in the spirit intended, but maybe it sorta knows what it’s doing? Doesn’t matter – death of the author. These days director Rob Cohen is disdained for allegations of sexual assault, but back then it was just for the quality of his movies. Since I only knew about the movie part I was okay with him, ‘cause I always liked DRAGON: THE BRUCE LEE STORY and THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS started a run of increasingly stupid movies that I got a kick out of (after this there was THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR, ALEX CROSS, THE BOY NEXT DOOR and 
).
I was pretty excited to return to it, expecting my original verdict to hold true, but I hyped myself up too much. This time it had a few laughs but the aerial spectacle (involving lots of animation and green screen cockpit acting that might’ve been a little ahead of its time) gets pretty repetitive. I did like that Cohen has virtual shots going through the circuitry of the jet, repeating his trademark move from THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS.
This retrospective makes me think that despite our many catastrophic societal faults we have at least advanced a little in the ways men and women are portrayed in movies. Between Johnny Storm in FANTASTIC FOUR, the wedding crashers in WEDDING CRASHERS and this it’s becoming clear that the charming ladies’ man who doesn’t see women as human beings until he falls for the right one but that’s okay that’s just what guys are like was maybe a little too prevalent back then. Ben (Josh Lucas, HULK) and Henry (Jamie Foxx in his first movie to come out after his Academy Award winning role in RAY) get to go around getting laid by different babes at each port, because Ben is in denial that he loves Kara (Jessica Biel in her first movie to come out after playing Whistler’s daughter in BLADE: TRINITY). But Kara, since she’s pining for Ben, saves herself for him. It’s bullshit. If she was sewing wild oatmeal or whatever too I would be all for it, but the movie’s need to keep the woman chaste as if she wouldn’t be forgiven like the men offends me. I am offended.
I always enjoy Biel’s presence, I think she’s probly the highlight here. I forgot she got pretty buff around then. Too bad she didn’t ever get to be the lead in a real action star type of movie. She was a little early for that I guess (see previous paragraph).
There are two aspects of the movie that I do think play better now. Number one is just the fact that Ebon Moss-Bachrach, now beloved from playing Richie on The Bear and recently playing The Thing in THE FANTASTIC 4: FIRST STEPS, plays the computer expert repairing the sentient jet fighter EDI. He has weirdly less screen time or dialogue than you’d think for that character but it turns out he’s the one who has the movie’s most memorable dialogue exchange with Lucas:
“He downloads songs from the Web.”
“Yeah? How many?”
(checks screen.) “All of them.”
(The song playing is “Make A Move” by Incubus and Ben says “At least it’s a good song.” There are three other Incubus songs in the movie and the score is by BT. So I’m not exaggerating when I say it was released in the year 2005.)
Aspect that aged well #2 is the cautionary tale about technology part. At the time I thought it had a trace of relevance for such a dumb movie because it was about drone warfare and the dangers of being able to kill people from a distance. That’s still true, but what feels more timely is the discussion of artificial intelligence, when genius inventor Keith Orbit (good name) explains, “Once you teach something to learn, you can’t put limits on it. ‘Learn this, but don’t learn that.’ EDI’s mind’s going everywhere. He can learn from Hitler. He can learn from Captain Kangaroo. It’s all the same.”
Spot on, right? Two decades later we have generative a.i. that is just a slurry of data, some real, some absolute bullshit, it has no clue how to discern between them except when juiced by its billionaire owner, and he grew up in apartheid South Africa so he likes Hitler way better than Captain Kangaroo. It’s a real mess. #KeithOrbitWasRight
Oh wow, I don’t remember noticing this – the screenwriter was W.D. Richter (INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS, BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, director of BUCKAROO BANZAI). No credits since. That’s interesting.
Anyway, I can’t really recommend this one highly anymore. Maybe in another 20 years.
August 5, 2005
THE DUKES OF HAZZARD is a movie I never saw until now. I also haven’t seen STARSKY & HUTCH (2004), but I believe this is in a similar vein of doing a comedy riff on the old show, sort of trying to capture its appeal but without much sincerity. It’s directed by Jay Chandrasekhar (SUPER TROOPERS, CLUB DREAD), screenplay by John O’Brien (CRADLE 2 THE GRAVE and yes, STARSKY & HUTCH), story by O’Brien and Jonathan L. Davis. (No other credits but I don’t think it’s the guy from Korn.)
The approach was just to set it in 2005 and pretend some things are just kinda backwards because Hazzard County is out in the boonies. But now that I think about it maybe that was also the approach of the show and I was too young to get it. When the early scenes here were about delivering moonshine and trying to get laid I thought wow, I don’t think I really followed what was going on in that show. (Extreme T.M.I. warning but I remember Daisy Duke causing sensations in me that I didn’t understand. So I was not old enough for this level of sophistication.)
Anyway Seann William Scott (THE RUNDOWN) stars as Bo Duke, with Johnny Knoxville (last seen in LORDS OF DOGTOWN) as Luke Duke, and although I don’t remember the specific characteristics of their television origins, I believe these versions are more modeled around the actors’ comic personas than around the show, with Bo as a well-meaning buffoon and Luke a cocky horndog who has climbed out of more women’s windows than anyone you ever met. The all important role of Daisy is played by Jessica Simpson, the pop star most of us knew about for being on a reality show where she appeared to be cartoonishly stupid. I do not think she’s good in this (the accent is a struggle for one thing) but she was willing and capable to do the scenes where she strategically shows off her legs and what not to turn men into jelly when needed. The modernization was mainly to have her comment on the fact that this is the job she’s always stuck with (which I guess did make me chuckle a little in one part).
One choice that I bet was suggested by some dumb executive who wouldn’t let it go is that “These Boots Were Made For Walkin’” is used as Daisy’s theme song and then Simpson does a cover of it for the end credits. It’s updated as a modern pop song (produced by Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis) but also as a country song (fiddles and what not). I actually kinda like how it works with the drum machines but then the redneck parts come in and it’s too much random shit mixed together. I don’t like it.
Of course the biggest question was what they were gonna do about the flag. For those not familiar, on the show the Duke boys have a beloved orange car called “the General Lee” and it has a Confederate battle flag painted on the roof. When I was a kid my brother and I both had toys of this but I definitely thought that flag was “the General Lee symbol” – symbol for the car, not the guy, ‘cause I didn’t know who he was.
In the opening they’re driving the car and I kept craning to see if it was there and then finally they show the roof clearly and phew – just plain orange. No pro-slavery flag. Okay, that’s settled.
Actually, it’s not! Later the General Lee has been in the shop and their mechanic Cooter (David Koechner, DIRTY WORK) soups it up for them. But while they’re driving to Atlanta people keep yelling at them about being late to a Klan rally and shit, and they’re very confused until they look at the roof and see that Cooter put the flag on it. They don’t seem to be into it, and know it puts a bullseye on them, it’s kind of like when John McClane has to wear the racist sandwich board in DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE. It’s a pretty funny joke and also an interesting note that twenty god damn years ago even a dumb lowbrow movie like this knew that we all agreed that it was bad to wave the flag for the army that tried and failed to overthrow the country because they didn’t want slavery to end. Now somehow some motherfuckers act like it’s undecided or there’s some ambiguity about it. Nope. Sorry guys. Even the fucking good ol’ boys know.
Within the first couple scenes of this I thought “Oh I see, they’re kind of trying to do a Hal Needham movie.” Then I remembered that in fact Burt Reynolds was gonna be in it (as Boss Hogg). Then I wondered if maybe the show was trying to be a Hal Needham movie too and I just didn’t know what that was back then. Anyway, the bloopers on the end credits pretty much confirmed the first part.
So in honor of Hal Needham I should mention the stuntwork – second unit director is Dan Bradley (FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 2 and 3, MONKEYBONE, SWORDFISH, THE BOURNE SUPREMACY), stunt coordinators Darrin Prescott (SKY HIGH, and Hugo Weaving’s double in the MATRIX sequels) and Scott Rogers (also SKY HIGH, and SPIDER-MAN 2). According to IMDb Chad Stahelski was Knoxville’s stunt double and David Leitch was assistant fight coordinator. I also read that Knoxville initially turned down the role but changed his mind in part because he wanted to work with Bradley. Anyway, I’m sure everybody had fun making cars go off jumps and shit.
THE DUKES OF HAZZARD got horrible reviews but did make $111 million at the box office and might have been profitable (though you know… cost of marketing, etc.). Unsurprisingly it didn’t do great in other parts of the world. I actually feel sort of comforted if the rest of the world doesn’t know what the fuck the deal is with this. I didn’t enjoy it much, but it has moments, such as the jokes about Boss Hogg’s suit when he visits the jail. Some guys think he’s a pimp and tell him he should have a feather on his hat. Another guy tells him you’re not supposed o wear white after Labor Day. Willie Nelson plays Uncle Jesse – always a plus to have Willie Nelson in any movie.
You could do worse, but that doesn’t mean you need to settle for this.
NOTES:
Summer 2005 connections:
Like SKY HIGH, released the week before, it has Lynda Carter and Kevin Heffernan in it.
Like HERBIE: FULLY LOADED it has a plot about a famous NASCAR driver coming to a small town to race a local champ.
August 19th, 2025 at 8:01 am
I don’t think I ever heard of Rob Cohen’s allegations, but at this point it’s hard to keep track of who turned out to be a piece of shit.
Never saw STEALTH, but one dude from the advertising agency that I worked at back then really loved it. I was pretty fond of the BT/David Bowie song from the soundtrack, although it kinda baffled me that Bowie collaborated with a B-list producer on such a seemingly dumb movie, but I guess Bowie always did what he wanted so why not?
I do remember seeing DUKES on TV once, but being absolutely indifferent to anything that happened on screen. The show was actually a bit of a childhood favourite and when it last year or so actually was shown on Saturday afternoon again (Those nostalgic shows are these days more or less that work ratings wise on German daytime TV), it actually held up to my surprise. Okay, it was always a bit low brow, but the show commited to being silly and formulaic and it was what it was and still is.
My point is: I was not against a movie adaptation and not even changing certain things about it, like making it a bit raunchier or turning Roscoe P. Coltrane into an actual sinister villain (Played by M.C. Gainey!) instead of the loveable goof that he was on the show, but this and the first GARFIELD live action movie are the only two movies that I remember watching with a blank scare, completely detached from anything that happened, because nothing in it caused any kind of reaction.
One random memory that just popped up: An early review on AICN from someone who claimed to be in the US military and having seen it at an early screening for the soldiers. I know, accusing everybody of being a plant was kinda of a running gag on that site back then, but that review felt so strange, with the worst part being the writer going gaga over the car jumps, calling them the best that were ever put on film, even better than the big one in GONE IN 60 SECONDS.